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Original poster

Can’t get this child out of my head

111 replies

EWAB · 18/07/2018 16:14

Son is in this football club. It is run by the guy who ran after school club at primary. When he was asked to join I declined as I was working and couldn’t have done drop offs etc. This other mother stepped up and has taken him for last two years. I have never been.
Yesterday I was delighted that I had broken up and could collect them from this end of term party.
I arrived and there was my son in a new shirt that I hadn’t seen before but suddenly my son appeared next to me. The boy in the new shirt w him. I was stunned and son said “Everyone says that! I think he looks like B.” B is my nephew.
We leave I get son and friend in car and there getting into her car was this woman my brother used to go out with. She didn’t see me. I don’t know how I kept it together. I felt sick last night. There is no one in the world I can talk to about this. My brother is now married. I am convinced this is his child.

OP posts:
foxyliz26 · 18/07/2018 17:20

I know what you are going through ,but please don't rock the boat for this kid

As far as everyone was concerned I have always been gay (although I secretly had a daughter at 16 )
it usually affects me around her birthday ,I did a bit of digging after watching Long Lost Familes about 2 years ago and found out where she lived , now as a grown up young woman

I asked two other lesbians to go with me to a gay bar one night and saw my daughter purely by accident , she is the spiiting image of me , she kept starring at me too

I left in floods of tears , have now told my G/F and a few other lesbians , my plan is do nothing if she wants to find me am sure she will

wellBeehivedWoman · 18/07/2018 17:20

I don't think you can do illicit DNA tests... I think (and hope!) they need consent from the subject.

Have you all lived in the same area a long time OP? I mean like generations of your family? If so it might just be that he is distantly and historically related to you through a connection a generation or two back!

YearOfYouRemember · 18/07/2018 17:22

I feel you must tell your brother what you've seen and met HIM make the decision as to whether he moves forward with this. It's not for you to decide for him. He may not have any idea she was pregnant. A child deserves to know his father.

Playing with peoples life's like this isn't right.

glamorousgrandmother · 18/07/2018 17:33

I think you should stay out of it - what good can it do? If the child's mother wanted your brother to be involved she would have done something about it by now.

Sunnymeg · 18/07/2018 17:38

It could be very difficult for everyone if this woman doesn't want to be discovered. By your own admission you haven't been able to get to the football club before. She may have had her mind on other things and not seen you or recognised you. My son is the mirror image of one of my Ancestors whose photo I found when I researched my family tree. People have always remarked on how DS doesn't really look like either myself or DH, but are amazed when I show them the photo of my Great Great Grandfather as they are the spit of each other. Is there any possibility that you might actually be related to this woman or her partner? It may seem a long shot bearing in mind the other factors but you may want to consider it.

ADastardlyThing · 18/07/2018 17:40

Wtf secret DNA testing on some random kid? Absolutely bonkers suggestion. Only the most nosey of parkers would stoop that low.

Pretty sure the mum could track your bro down if he was the father. This is literally none of your business.

Butterflykissess · 18/07/2018 17:45

I literally wouldnt give this a second thought. Hmm at the suggestions of stealing DNA!

GlitteryFluff · 18/07/2018 17:45

Tricky situation.
I think I would have to talk to my brother about it. I couldn't sweep it under the carpet but everyone's different. Thanks

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2018 17:45

Genetics don't work like 'oh she's probably married to someone who looks like your brother...' although they can be completely random. None of my five children look anything like me. Three are very much like their father's family and the other two look like my brother's children.

Pythonesque · 18/07/2018 17:46

Through primary school, in a class of 16-18 boys, my son and another were similar enough that his mum and I both did regular doubletakes at pickup. And two others were pretty close in appearance as well. So I'd probably focus on the coincidental side of this rather than dwelling on other possibilities.

loveyoutothemoon · 18/07/2018 17:46

Speak to your brother, see what he says. Maybe he knows?

pastabest · 18/07/2018 17:49

I would say to your brother 'I saw X at football the other day, she has a son who is the absolute spitting image of son and DN. In fact DN and XSon look so similar they could be brothers, how funny is that!'

And leave him to come to his own conclusions.

Although after nearly a decade on MN and the cynicism that comes with it I suspect your brother is probably aware of the child and has chosen not to have anything to do with him...

ReadingRiot · 18/07/2018 17:50

I agree with pastabest

Iused2BanOptimist · 18/07/2018 18:01

It's hard to clamp down on the curiosity but you should absolutely stay out of this, say nothing, do nothing. Think about it a moment. You don't know the family set up of the boy but who knows who is meant to be his father, probably worst case scenario is there is an innocent husband who believes the child is his. Then there is your married brother. OK he was single at the time. That's not to say his wife would welcome news like this. This has the potential to wreak havoc on two families. No one will thank you for that. And will you feel happy at the end of that? Of course you won't.

mittensofsteel · 18/07/2018 18:04

If he is your nephew your brother might be devastated if he finds out you knew he had a secret son and you didn’t have him.

I would mention the (unbelievably enormous) coincidence to your brother and see where he goes with it.

ozymandiusking · 18/07/2018 18:08

This is absolutely nothing to do with you! Leave well alone.
You mustn't go upsetting people unnecessarily.
It's wrong.

ProudThrilledHappy · 18/07/2018 18:08

If the child's mother wanted your brother to be involved she would have done something about it by now
this^

Ds has never had a relationship with his biological father, and is quite happy with the explanation that he was conceived with a ‘donor’ because I wanted a baby. I said this instead of that his “dad” did not want to be involved.

I have since heard that bio parent has a much younger ds, who he is involved with. We have luckily not crossed paths but I would be very angry if someone tried to force a relationship between ds and this person when DS is perfectly happy.

Confusedbeetle · 18/07/2018 18:09

Stay well out of it

Butterflykissess · 18/07/2018 18:10

If he is your nephew your brother might be devastated if he finds out you knew he had a secret son and you didn’t have him.

she doesnt know though.

glamorousgrandmother · 18/07/2018 18:13

This has the potential to wreak havoc on two families. No one will thank you for that. And will you feel happy at the end of that? Of course you won't.

Exactly.

Singlenotsingle · 18/07/2018 18:14

Anyway, it's not that easy to get a DNA test, even if you wanted to (which you don't, do you?) I think you have to get a scraping from the inside of the cheek. That's not going to go down well, is it? Leave well alone.

Storm4star · 18/07/2018 18:18

I do think it could be just a coincidence. When I lived in a different town, some friends there would sometimes ask me why I didn't say hello to them when they'd seen me, and it was always somewhere I hadn't even been. It seemed odd but I thought nothing more of it until one day turned around at a bus stop to look straight into the face of my double! It really freaked me out! I was wearing a distinctive t shirt that day and she was even wearing the same t shirt! I wish I'd said something to her but I actually went into shock i think! It was really unsettling. Anyway, there is absolutely no way this woman was closely related to me. I won't bore you with detail but it just wouldn't be possible and yet she looked like my twin. I think children can look even more alike than adults, so it probably is just a coincidence.

YearOfYouRemember · 18/07/2018 18:24

So the mother has all the say about this child that is half hers but in most cases she'd be expecting the man to cough up.

Doubletrouble99 · 18/07/2018 18:27

I think you should definitely tell your brother. The idea that you should leave well along is just mad in my opinion. I am adopted and would have been devastated if that had happened to me. If you DB's ex hadn't wanted to be found surely she would have moved away.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 18/07/2018 18:35

Storm4star intrigued by your assertion she couldn't have been a long lost twin or something. How could you know? Surely you only have what you've been told.
Judging from the comments here people are more than happy to live with a lie as long as it isn't upsetting anyone.

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