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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a babys first Xmas should be special

51 replies

3istheMagicNumberr · 17/07/2018 22:36

OH wants to go on holiday at xmas with his parents, I do not want to go.
It will be our babys first Xmas and I wanted it to be special at home, I also don't fancy going abroad with a baby that will be crawling or just walking by then... also would mean we don't see any of my family over the Xmas period.
He has said he will still go even if I don't AIBU to think this is so wrong? He just says I can go if I want and DD won't even know it's Xmas anyway

OP posts:

Firstnameterms · 17/07/2018 22:39

I must admit this is only special for you not your baby. They won’t give a shit.

However I do see your point about taking a baby away and not seeing any other family. That would make me sad.

Your partner is an arse for thinking it’s ok to go without you. There needs to be some kind of compromise. Can you do Christmas again with family when you get home?

Some might say that a holiday at Christmas IS special!

cariadlet · 17/07/2018 22:42

He's right that your DD won't know that it's Christmas and the first Christmas won't be special to her - but that doesn't mean that it couldn't be special for the 2 of you.

He's a selfish idiot for saying that he'll still go away with his parents even if you don't. He's not a kid; he's an adult with family responsibilities. The decision about where and how to spend Christmas has to be a joint one.

dontlikebeards · 17/07/2018 22:45

I would go on holiday, Christmas only becomes special when children are old enough to understand what is going on. I found Christmas with a baby a complete anti-climax.

Ellisandra · 17/07/2018 22:47

It’s not about the baby, it’s about you.
It’s lovely to start traditions - stockings and all that, if you like. Baby won’t know it’s special, and won’t remember it.

So he’s not wrong for not caring about all that and preferring to go away. And you’re not wrong that you do care. The problem here is that you’ve committed to having a child with someone that you can’t mediate and compromise with.

I think you need to sort out what your objections actually are. I see that you might want to see your parents, maybe you don’t want to be stuck with his. But I personally think that not wanting to be on holiday with a crawler / Walker is just a fairly lame issue.

What would work for both of you? Can’t you see your parents over the period? You seeing yours doesn’t trump him seeing his. If you want to do “baby’s first Xmas” stuff - just bring your stocking or whatever and do it abroad. (my 11 month old spent their first Xmas morning arriving from an overnight flight to Jo’burg)

I’m unimpressed by him just cutting off discussion - but without some background, it could be because you were equally unwilling to compromise.

Tinywhale · 17/07/2018 22:48

I would go on the holiday, the baby will be oblivious about Christmas. It at least gives you bargaining power for a couple of years time when it’s less oblivious.

ICanOnlyLaugh · 17/07/2018 22:50

My baby was 4 months old at Christmas, I wanted to be close to my own bed, washing machine and change table! Oh and a comfy breastfeeding chair. Stuff the rest.

When he says he’ll go without you, I assume he means he’ll take the baby too?

ReadingRiot · 17/07/2018 22:51

It depends what you mean by special. It will be special because it's your first Christmas with baby but baby will have no interest at all in presents etc.

There's no reason not to go on holiday but I wouldn't have wanted to go away and deprive my own parents of seeing DGC at all over the Christmas period

Merryoldgoat · 17/07/2018 22:52

The baby will have no clue and you’ll go to lots of effort and they’ll just sleep or play with the wrapping paper.

However, there is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to fly with a baby and to think your OH would entertain going without you is very strange.

I’m guessing there’s a backstory? That’s just not normal to spend Christmas separately when you are a family (without extenuating circumstances).

TroubledLichen · 17/07/2018 22:53

I would go on the holiday too, baby won’t have a clue, it can still be special with the GPs there AND most importantly it means that as you’ve done the ILs this year, next year you can do Christmas with your family and it will be much more special as I’m guessing your baby will be about 1 this year so 2 next year?!

LeighaJ · 17/07/2018 22:54

He's being selfish and a twat. It's special even if your baby won't remember it. Just like their first smile, giggle, fart are all special and baby won't remember them. Then there's crawling, walking, talking, which also won't be remembered.

Ellisandra · 17/07/2018 22:56

It would appear that at least part of the backstory is that 1 month ago OP was posting that she was a single parent recently split and now with less stress.
I’m not trying to trip you up OP and there’s a difference between dripfeeding and not writing an essay.
But I think you just want us all to say you are right... but I think it changes opinions whether you’re with him or not, and if you are, whether there has been recent turbulence. It explains why he’s taking the position of “I’m going, whatever” if you’re not actually together, or are back together but it’s not working.

LeighaJ · 17/07/2018 22:56

Her family wouldn't get to share in the baby's first Christmas just his.

Everyone's really looking forward to our baby's first Christmas, guess we're all just weird.

Topseyt · 17/07/2018 22:58

It's true that your DD won't know it is Christmas, she won't have a clue what is going on. He is right on that, but that is where it ends because he is still behaving like a dick

He is saying that if you don't do as he wants then he will do it anyway and sod whatever you want. Almost as if he has forgotten that you are parents now, including him.

Slydiad · 17/07/2018 22:59

YAN necessarily BU not to want to spend all of your baby's first Christmas traveling and with your DH's family instead of at home and with yours, but YABU to think that the baby is going to know what you're doing for Christmas, or know what Christmas is, or find any particular way you spend it more special than any other way.

OTOH your DH INBU to want to spend time with his family over the holidays and introduce them to the baby. You each want reasonable, but different, things! This is just one of those areas where everyone has to compromise. Maybe a day or two with each family and a day or two by yourselves? Maybe rotate where you spend Christmas yearly?

BackforGood · 17/07/2018 23:01

Your baby won't know it is Christmas, so, in that, he is right. However that sounds a pretty immature way to talk through a difference of opinion.
Does he not consider you to be a family now? Does he not realise that Dad's don't just bog off with wider family for a holiday, without both parents agreeing that is the right thing for the 'new' family, at that point ?
That seems to be the issue, as far as I can see, not the decision as to if you go away over Christmas or not.

BMW6 · 17/07/2018 23:03

Well, he's right - your baby won't have the faintest idea that there is anything remotely special going on.

Compromise is the key.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/07/2018 23:24

Whilst I do agree with all those saying DD won't know. The point is we start creating our own family traditions when we have a family. And our children learn about these because the traditions go back further than their memories.

I find it sad he wouldn't want to be there, starting traditions which will go on for years.

Unless there's something significant, like one of his parents is seriously ill or something?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/07/2018 23:28

It sounds like you have very different ideas about family- you see the three of you as your main family unit and he still sees his parents as more important.
Obviously, the first Christmas is special for the parents and the baby is mainly oblivious, but he seems worryingly willing to miss that. Are you surprised by this attitude, or is this typical of him?

AdaColeman · 17/07/2018 23:36

It sounds as though you and the baby are quite far down in his list of priorities, when really you should be first.

Is he always this selfish and self centred?

If you do decide to go on the holiday, make sure that you do things you enjoy, leave him with baby while you go for a swim, sit the baby beside him for meals while you eat your own meal uninterrupted, go on day trips leaving him with the baby, otherwise it will be no holiday for you at all.

DamsonPie · 17/07/2018 23:37

I agree that baby won’t know the difference, first Xmas is special for the parents and grandparents though. Why should he deprive you and your parents of that special experience! If his parents want to go away and not see the baby at Xmas that’s up to them. But it isn’t fair to take the baby away from the rest of the family so his parents are the only ones who get to share that special time.

RunMummyRun68 · 17/07/2018 23:41

What? You were split up last month? Now back together? And stressing over Xmas?

Concentrate on the here and now

Seasawride · 17/07/2018 23:44

Beware op the first thing you do for Christmas becomes a tradition. For good or bad.

Choose wisely

Duskqueen · 18/07/2018 00:11

I think YANBU it should be special and photos taken. My DD doesn't actually remember her first Christmas, but loves to look at her photos from it and talk about it, she is 4. I am not in any of the photos because I took them and she always asks where I am and I have to tell her that I am the one behind the camera, but there are photos of everyone else. How will your DD react when she is older if you aren't in them (as you will be the one taking them) and Daddy isn't in any either?

LoveInTokyo · 18/07/2018 00:16

Your baby won’t be aware of any of it.

But irrespective of the baby, your OH is being really unreasonable saying that he will go away without you if need be. Who does that? FFS.

Wellthisunexpected · 18/07/2018 02:55

It'll be no less special because you are on holiday. Baby won't give a shiny shit.

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