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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a babys first Xmas should be special

51 replies

3istheMagicNumberr · 17/07/2018 22:36

OH wants to go on holiday at xmas with his parents, I do not want to go.
It will be our babys first Xmas and I wanted it to be special at home, I also don't fancy going abroad with a baby that will be crawling or just walking by then... also would mean we don't see any of my family over the Xmas period.
He has said he will still go even if I don't AIBU to think this is so wrong? He just says I can go if I want and DD won't even know it's Xmas anyway

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 18/07/2018 02:59

He is totally in the wrong to say he’ll go without you, but at the same time, your baby will not remember this Christmas. Your baby’s first Christmas will be when they are 3 or 4, so I wouldn’t worry so much about this one. And especially not in July!

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2018 06:54

It's not ok for him to go without you obviously. Do you think he actually would? Your baby doesn't even know what christmas is but I can understand why you want to be home together and make it nice.

WarPigeon · 18/07/2018 07:01

I often look back to my first Christmas with fondness. I am always saddened that the fuckers didn’t let me open my own presents though.

Forgottencoffee · 18/07/2018 07:27

I’d be annoyed at not being able to see my family but the baby thing wouldn’t bother me. It was DS first Christmas last year and he was confused AF. He was 9 months old and didn’t have a clue what was happening. It was also stressful trying to time everything around him.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Look forward to an age when they are old enough to realise what is happening

Argeles · 18/07/2018 07:29

It should be special, and family should come first over Christmas, as I believe they always should.

I think you should really put your foot down on this op.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 18/07/2018 07:39

Given you had split last month and don't like your in laws, I don't think him going away with them alone is the big issue. He will need his family when it all goes pear shaped again.

A baby has no idea of the day so it's an ideal time to go away at Christmas. We started traditions when the children were old enough to actually know it was Christmas.

Original poster
3istheMagicNumberr · 18/07/2018 08:10

I do understand baby will not know it's Xmas but I will, as will my family who won't get to see us.
I know plenty of people who go all out for a babys first birthday, the baby is none the wiser what day it is but it's a memory of a special day... this to me is what Xmas is, and yes it might sound mad to some people but I can't wait for Xmas with a baby.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 18/07/2018 08:15

But why are you fighting over Xmas, with someone you’ve been back with for less than a month, when it’s July?

Surely this disagreement is not important compared to trying to develop a workable relationship?

This is simply your view of what you want - it’s not more right than his.

ShatnersWig · 18/07/2018 08:19

Probably also worth mentioning you don't like your inlaws, as you had a thread stating that fact last month too

"Selective editing" of facts tends to produce the answer you want to hear, rather than honest opinion

CherryPavlova · 18/07/2018 08:24

It’s a very synthetic memory. It’s entirely irrelevant to the child.
You need an adult to adult conversation and compromise if you’re going to survive as a family.
Why should you get your way over his? (and vice versa). It’s one day a year and unless you’re Christian it’s not even particularly special when you celebrate. You could maybe sort dates so you saw your family just before or just after Christmas Day itself.
Are your parents very frail or elderly? Is it the only Christmas they will get to see the child? That might change things but if they’re likely to be around a good few years, they’ll get over it.
Is it that you don’t want to go abroad with a baby because you’re worried about their health? Is your relationship so fragile you worry about spending time together?
Both of you need to practice being adults and giving rather than taking; putting the other person’s needs and wishes ahead of your own sometimes.

Original poster
3istheMagicNumberr · 18/07/2018 08:27

All i wanted was peoples comments on Xmas, i could easily have answered swayed in my favour by mentioning everything that has gone on but that wasnt relevant it was just peoples opinions on Christmas.
To the mumsnet police, everything hasn't been said here as it would if been quite outing, so thanks for that... no wonder people change names on here.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 18/07/2018 08:30

Pre baby we avoided as much of xmas as possible. We went away for DD’s first xmas with friends. She was 2 months old. We’ve carried on the tradition of having very little to do with xmas and it’s been bloody brilliant. No arguments, no stress. We do what we want to do and bugger societal expectations. I highly recommend it.

ShatnersWig · 18/07/2018 08:33

Because the other bits are totally relevant. Previous posters are right in that the baby is too young to have a clue about Xmas, so it's not about the baby but about you. And if it's about you, then it's going to be even more about you and not the baby if you don't like your inlaws. Then when you add in the fact that you were split from the father but all of a sudden appear to be back together and talking about Xmas, and he's issuing ultimatums....

It's all incredibly relevant.

happypoobum · 18/07/2018 08:46

OK, so if you only just got back with him, has this recent behaviour made you wish you hadn't bothered?

If you don't like ILS then I wouldn't be going on holiday with them any time of year.

This all sounds like too much hard work.

PolkerrisBeach · 18/07/2018 08:47

This is not about the baby - they won't remember a thing. Personally i'd love to go away for Christmas and miss the whole thing but you have to compromise with your other half and that doesn't seem to be happening.

petrolpump28 · 18/07/2018 08:50

Christmas? It's July

GameOfMinges · 18/07/2018 08:54

The baby won't give a shit, so you should do what suits you as parents best. I must say I didn't much enjoy travelling with a newly mobile baby. Plane with a smaller one is fine and once they're old enough to shove in front of a tablet it's fine, but 9 months to about 2.5 is the hardest to travel with imho.

And because it's such unrelentingly hard work being on holiday with a child in this age bracket, AdaColeman is very right that if you do go, time to enjoy the trip must be carved out for you. You're not going to be the one chasing a waddling death wish of a 10 month old round the resort or town square or whatever while everyone else enjoys themselves.

Frankly though if he's going anyway and the relationship isn't that great, you wouldn't BU to stay at home and have Christmas with your own family.

Hadjab · 18/07/2018 09:36

It should be special, and family should come first over Christmas, as I believe they always should.

So what’s your definition of family? Do his not count?

HectorlovesKiki · 18/07/2018 09:49

One of my most cherished memories is of our DD's first Christmas, she was one year old & our only child at the time. The real coal fire was on, Die Hard was on the TV, "Let it snow..." was playing, the tree was sparkling and the atmosphere was of pure joy. Of course, baby won't remember it but she was part of that beautiful scene, much loved and part of the magic. We were at home where everything baby needed was accessible and we were all really chilled out. I'm glad we stayed at home that year. Just saying...

Readyfortheschoolhols · 18/07/2018 09:54

Have you posted before?
Your dh isn't very nice if his dps come before you and his dc.
For the record my exh never saw the dc at Xmas. He chose to be with his dps.
Notice i say exh.

OneStepSideways · 18/07/2018 09:58

I wanted my baby's first Christmas to be special too, but it was a letdown. She was mildly amused by the tree lights but oblivious to everything else. We were sleep deprived and too tired to cook, we took turns napping and she cried most of the day with reflux.
Not at all magical.

Once they're over two it's more fun, they get wildly excited and can take part in traditions.

In your shoes I'd have the first Xmas away. It's unlikely Xmas at home would fulfill your expectations so why not mark it as special in a different way, with family on hand to help?

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 18/07/2018 09:58

A baby's first Christmas is just another day. The first time they get what is going on at Christmas is special.

I wouldn't want to be bothered travelling far with a baby either so yanbu in wanting to stay at home.

MrsAidanTurner · 18/07/2018 09:59

To the mumsnet police, everything hasn't been said here as it would if been quite outing, so thanks for that

I know op! And with daily mail breathing down all our necks people will stop posting.

Do what you want, he says he will go without you - let him, Have a lovely xmas with your family and baby doing exactly what you want. I agree he really doesn't sound nice.
my first babies 1st bday was all about me really, dd slept through it.

Mousefunky · 18/07/2018 10:04

It’s special for you, babies have absolutely no idea what is going on. Depending on their age (I.e 2 months or 10 months), they’ll mostly just sleep through it and play with boxes and wrapping paper instead of the toys.

Ellisandra · 18/07/2018 11:54

The status of your relationship is incredibly relevant if you want useful answers, and it’s hardky outing to be in an on/off situation - it’s hardky unusual.

I think you should start a thread on Relationships tbh - not because I don’t think AIBU is a good place for advice, but because I really don’t think you can answer this about Xmas outside of the context of your relationship.

Imagine this were him:
“GF and I went getting on, we’ve been back together less than a month, I don’t know where it’s going. She’s pushing me about Xmas, in July. I have an opportunity to go away, which I’d love to do - but she doesn’t like my parents, wants to see hers, and is into a load of “baby’s first Xmas” that I just don’t get. I’m not going to make her go on holiday with me - I’ve said I’m fine to let her take baby to her parents, whilst I go away with mine. TBH, I don’t even know if we’ll still be together then - AIBU?”

Doesn’t sound so awful.

I think if you’re trying to make a troubled relationship work, then I’d really question his commitment that he wouldn’t want to do what you want for Xmas. But... I’d say exactly the same about you!!

You both want to do what you want to do. That’s why I think Relationships and talking about the wider context might help you make a decision.