To use the word "naughty"

[speedymama]

DTS are 3 yo and go to nursery. This weekend they chastised me and DH for using that word. They did something that I had asked them not to do and I told them to stop being naughty. DT1 retorted with "don't say naughty, I'm not naughty, you can't say naughty". So I responded with "well stop misbehaving then!"

I spoke to the nursery about this and they confirmed that they are not allowed to use the word naughty because it labels the child rather than the act. Now I'm all for positive parenting but there comes a time when you have to just tell how it is. I don't call my boys name but I do point out their bad behaviour and I also praise them when they are being good. In fact, I praise more than I chastise.

As a child, when my parents told me that I was being naughty, I took notice. Now my 3yo DTS read me the riot act. Well, I will not be dictated to by a toddler and if that makes me a dinosaur in terms of modern day parenting, so be it.

So am I a recalcitrant, anachronistic, old fashioned dinosaur who refuses to indulge the latest fads in parenting as dictated by a bunch of pinko liberal, arm wringing, bleeding heart busybodies?

think so tc

But it does make me sad when she samcks other kids, not cross, i'm sad about it!

It's the ONLY time I ever use the word with ehr, I NEVER use sad other than when she has samcked another child, which btw only started 1 week ago!

ProjectIcarus - which one do you think so to? !!

kind hands - one handed bf here sorry if abrupt.

I don't think saying you are angry is the same as saying you are disappointed or sad.

Anger comes (generally) from fear and frustration - Something a small child understands very well. Saying 'Mummy gets annoyed/angry when she has to ask you lots of time to do is IMO just giving honest information to your child and tells them you are having a reaction to their behaviour.

Obviously the best solution to the above scenario is not losing your temper, the second best in my opinion is the above example, the worst one is pretending you aren't annoyed or trying to behave as if you aren't until you can't take it any more and then exploding.

I think the problem with saying that a child's behaviour makes us sad is that it is often not an honest reponse but one that tries to get a reaction or to make a child behave in a certain way. Saying we are angy is usually honest because it is so much less acceptable to be angry so we generally only say it if it is true.

This is so funny and very mad!

Next time she comes homw with her report saying she's smacked again I think i'll just throw myself under the bed and not come out till DP gets home and he can deal with it!

TC - if it does actually make you sad - I think that is fine to say actually.

ProjectIcarus - thanks - yes I think you're rright actually. Think concentrate on positive behaviour rather then go back over negative. OK, thanks

208 messages to discuss 'naughty'!!!

FGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop overanalysing ffs

sheesh

FGS

ffs

ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TC, say what you like!

My Mother shouted loud enough for the whole street to hear, I don't think she was toxic!

i'd have thought that's what you'd say, yes, tc. it's a lot to think about isn't it?
personally i don't think i'll have a problem saying 'stop doing x or y' and then when the child doesn't warn her that i'm goiing to get upset with her if she doesn't stop. that's my friend's approach and it works well. but then she doesn't threaten to get upset very often, so probably choosing your moment is key. the sad thing just gives me the heebie-jeebies, tbh. and the disappointed thing, well, it's pretty negative i reckon. i don't remember my parents doiing it. that's not to say i didn't want to disappoint them, or that the thought of their being disappointed didn't alter my behaviour, but i'm glad they didn't have a special face for the occasion.

as it happens, dd is very fond of pretending to cry at the moment (she says 'cry, cry' like a total drama queen) so the most efficient way to get her to be careful when climbing dangerously on furniture at teh moment is to say 'be careful, you'll cry cry if you fall' and that seems to stop her. she's too yougn for much huge disobedience at the moment, so we've got it all to come. thanks for the email btw.

OO - we're discussing 'sad' now actuallY

Oooh only just caught up with this, I don't think I explained what I meant very well! I don't have a problem with telling a child that for eg hitting another child willmake them sad or will upset them. Of course they need to know and understand that their actions have consequences and effect other people.
It's the vague 'calm down or you'll make mummy cry' 'stop shouting or you'll make mummy sad' thing I have a problem with and I hear it a lot.I just can't help but think those kids are going to grow up feeling too much responsibility for their mums feelings. So if mum is upset they automatically think it's their fault dykwim?
I grew up with it, took me until my late teens to learn that my mums feelings arn't all my fault.

I told dd2 she was a pain in the arse yesterday (under my breath and it was 3am so justified imo)

honestly, you are all fab mums, stop fretting about so much

Aha - hello and you're welcome

see, that's what i think happened to DH, bored. it pretty much stinks, i think.

yes, OO, but did you say that her being a pain in teh arse was making you sad...?

and that is Bonkers, anniemac. why can't parents cry? mind you, my mum blubbed when John Lennon got shot...

Her inablility to sleep in her own cot was making me very sad

naughty cot

did you both hit the cot in order to teach it a Valuable Lesson?

The reactions people have to this are interesting. I read parenting books and examine my behaviour and how it impacts my children because my parents were mostly appalling frankly. I have to read books etc because I have very little
idea what a nice normal way to parent is.

I suspect that those whose parents were pretty much fine don't do this because they have a nice framework built in.

Those who have children with special needs possibly examine things more closely because the one size fits all parenting style well, doesn't fit.