To use the word "naughty"

[speedymama]

DTS are 3 yo and go to nursery. This weekend they chastised me and DH for using that word. They did something that I had asked them not to do and I told them to stop being naughty. DT1 retorted with "don't say naughty, I'm not naughty, you can't say naughty". So I responded with "well stop misbehaving then!"

I spoke to the nursery about this and they confirmed that they are not allowed to use the word naughty because it labels the child rather than the act. Now I'm all for positive parenting but there comes a time when you have to just tell how it is. I don't call my boys name but I do point out their bad behaviour and I also praise them when they are being good. In fact, I praise more than I chastise.

As a child, when my parents told me that I was being naughty, I took notice. Now my 3yo DTS read me the riot act. Well, I will not be dictated to by a toddler and if that makes me a dinosaur in terms of modern day parenting, so be it.

So am I a recalcitrant, anachronistic, old fashioned dinosaur who refuses to indulge the latest fads in parenting as dictated by a bunch of pinko liberal, arm wringing, bleeding heart busybodies?

"Almost nothing upsets a child more & makes them feel more insecure than seeing a parent cry."
is that true? i remember seeing my mum cry and knowing that if i gave her a cuddle it would help, and that she would explain to me why she was sad etc etc. i never reflected any of that onto myself. not that my mum cried a lot, i should say, but we had a lot of deaths in the family, including a young cousin, and i do remember seeing her upset about that. it would have been weird not to, imho.

No indeed. Naughty step sticker charts etc complete bollocks.

Oh I don't agree Annie, I think it's healthy for a child to see their parent cry at some point.Obviously not all time!
My dd has seen me cry, it didn't upset her, she was concerned about me and I explained to her why I was sad and that I just needed to have a little cry to make me feel better.
A good message to give her I thought,no?

I want her to know that if she feels like she needs to cry, is upset etc then its perfectly norml and ok to do it.

I don't like labelling. However, we are a million things, aren't we. So, I'm funny, I'm sad, I'm generous, I'm optimistic, but I can also be obnoxious, in a bad mood, and naughty (but I don't like this word, and luckily I can use Italian terms that mena a bit more to me). My children as well.

agree with bored. Parents should show their feelings so children understand that parents get upset/sad/angy etc. But it should be made clear why the parent is upset so the child cannot presume it is their fault.

ProjectIcarus - I'm massively offened. NOT!

I do have to have a clear conversation with DD1 about her behaviour and use key words and I'm never sure what goes in really! I seriously thought helping her to understand that hitting people made me sad was better than tlling her it made me cross as tbh I wasn't cross with her, I felt sad so without sitting and having a long think I reacted on instinct at that moment, it was a then and there moment. Her samcking people made me feel sad. I also talked about using kind hands and makign people happy and always cuddle her after and say 'that was a nice cuddle wasn't it, that makes mummy happy' to reinforce the whole message.

Ohh this discipline lark is hard work!

ProjectIcarus - completely agree about naughty step, sticker charts etc. Children learn from parents what is and what isn't desirable behaviour from role modelling and clear and reasonable explanation IME.

I suppose there are degrees.

You are naughty for hitting.

Hitting people is naughty.

We use kind hands when we touch each other.
X is sad because her face is sore.

I think the last one leaves room for the hitter to make amends in a natural way.

My mother used to cry quite a lot in front of me and I think it made me anxious and tearful.

My daughter has never been one to cry - she's very robust. But she hates to see me cry.

well I don't use a naughty step but I do use the count to 5 thing and it'll all be over and we will move on from this bad behaviour moment and I have given her time to chill out in her room when she has started to get hard to handle and is screaming 'no' at everything and everyone. The school give her 'time out' when she smacks / pushes / shouts too much and I reinforce this at home but only have to say 'that's not nice, no more, finish pushing or Charlotte has time out' and that usually works, don't have to follow through.

TC, what do the school say to your daughter when she smacks others?

Interesting annie. As you say it depends on the overall package doesn't it? I think it is important for children to see their parents experience all kinds of emotions so that they can understand that all kindsof emotions are ok.

And what about this 'forced apology' that someone bought up? What about making your child say sorry for hitting? I make DD1 apologise to her sister if I'm in the room and witness it.

mind you, i cried big sploshy tears last night when i was reading Peepo! and it was the anniversary of my dad's death (god, that book just gets me). dd just kissed my cheeks and we agreed it was a kinda melancholy book and i told her it made me miss her grandpa (who she never met). i'm sure none of it went in as she's only 17 months, but equally i don't think she was at all upset by it. she didn't look upset, iykwim? just kept shouting 'again again' so i don't think she was overly traumatised.

CD - not sure of the exact words they use tbh, I think they might use 'sad' themselves, really not sure but I do know they give her time out for it. Not always easy to use out of school when you are in restaurant, a party, the car.

TC - maybe you could say to dd that she shouldn't hit people because it hurts them?

What a mad thread this is!

that would be me with the forced apology.

Personally I hate it. Quite possibly unreasonably. Not sure why. Probably because dd used to apologise because she thought she should and now just chants "sor-ry" in a meaningless fashion.

Ah yes PI, I agree there!

LOL at this thread too, it's good, but mad!
I'm now dreading having to tell her off, it's all going to come out as utter gobbledigook and I'm going to either burst into tears under the strain or pmsl! Which will be less damaging?!

I think there are lots of things we say to our kids that if we actually think about what we are saying and what we are trying to convey, it doesn't always make sense.

Why do you have to tell her off though TC? Think about it more like saying what you want her to do rather than what you don't want her to do.