Will you turn into a good MIL?

[stroppymiss]

Or will you be batshit crazy like the ones you hate now

I suspect I'll be batshit.

I hope so, though I have form for worrying about things to an extent that I stress others out, which I have to work hard to keep hold of.

We're staying with my in-laws at the moment. They've been brilliant with DD and would have her all day if we wanted, clearly both care that I am fed and comfortable (we don't have a language in common) and broadly respecting my parenting decisions. I hope I manage the same.

Hopefully I can strike a balance between my DM and MIL!

DM is very overbearing. Always right (according to her) and thinks she can control you with money.

MIL is so laid back it's ridiculous. Won't get involved in much, which can be just as annoying as DM's over involved-ness. Not very independent so gets on my nerves.

Hopefully, for both my children and their partners, I will be just the right amount of caring and involved. Happy to pay for things and expect nothing in return. Will neither insist on being present for the birth of grandchildren (DM) nor go on holiday around the due date of first Grandchild (potentially MIL this year!)

I have years yet to perfect this though ;)

I would say I am.

I don't ever give opinions or turn up unannounced. I always try and compliment DIL in various ways. I don't take sides between DS and her, but if asked try and remain neutral. I offer help in many ways which is appreciated. I always ask DIL what clothes/toys etc she'd like for GC before buying too.

She's not perfect and I do turn a blind eye to some things as I guess she does with me but on the whole we get on well and I'd like to think that we're friends. I've taken her away for a nice long weekend to London recently as she's been stressed out with work and we had a really good time.

It's not all gloom and doom like it appears so often on MN.

Yes. I wouldn’t dream of being as rude as mine is to me or assume I a parenting expert who must dispense unlimited amounts of nonsensical unwanted “advice”. It’s about being respectful even if you do disagree.

I hope so. My plan is to be helpful when asked and to offer no advice or input at all unless it is specifically requested.

I would hope so.

I get on perfectly well with my MIL and despite a couple of niggles I could do without, I consider myself quite lucky. She does live abroad though so I don't have her around all the time. Might have been different in that case but we do get on.

To be fair my MiL is a nice person but I don't think she gets how bloody annoying her "suggestions" are or her questions (usually about whether or not we have a cleaner) or acting like her home is her own and cleaning things that have already be cleaned and rearranging furniture is.

I don't ever give opinions

I see this a lot in the "how to be a good MIL" advice but to me I don't think you can say you're friends if you never offer an opinion on something. My friends and I give each other our opinions on things all the time! That's what friends do. There's a way of doing it that isn't overbearing or presuming you're right, but to never do it seems a bit "forced" for want of a better word? I don't want to feel I have to put on some sort of act for my DIL to like me. Nor would I want her to do so for me. With my daughters partner I'm just me. We don't agree on everything but that's ok, we still get on fine overall.

I don't have GC yet but if and when I do, I won't go against the parents wishes but say for example, they're complaining the child won't sleep I might say have you tried x,y,z? If they don't want to try those things that's fine but I'm not going to sit in silence feeling I can't ever say a word that could be misconstrued as interfering.

Friends and DIL are two very different things though. I don't give opinions to DIL regarding things to do with her and DS because that could turn into taking sides. I listen to them both and try to be neutral. It works for us and I'm happy with that.

I hope I will be. I have six children, so whether they get married or have long-term partners, I figure I must end up being a good MIL to at least one of their future DPs. I can't get it wrong with all six, I hope!

Well no, I wouldn't get involved in relationship issues between them but if they're talking about something practical and I feel I have a valid opinion to offer then I will offer it. Up to them if they take it, same as anyone else.

If it's something like " what colour do you think we should paint our kitchen " I'll give an opinion. I'm not some feeble little wall flower but other bigger issues I stay on the fence as I think it's easy to become the baddy if one of them don't like what I've said. It makes for an easier life!

Batshit. But rightly so as no one will ever love my little boy or understand him the way I do.

Like I say, I wouldn't get involved in relationship issues for the same reason as you but I would say stuff related to my GCs if I felt I wanted to. So, as an example, a friend of mine was weaning her baby, she started talking about a "tasting menu", which I had never heard of! But apparently meant offering a different fruit or veg each day to see which ones baby liked. I said something like "oh but isn't that encouraging fussiness?" she said her mum had done that with her so she wanted to also. Fine. No argument over it.

Now I could see some perceiving that as interfering with parenting, or questioning mum's choices! I didn't say anything further to my friend about it but yes I probably will have some questions over their child raising, not in a critical way but there are bound to be things that come up like the above and yes I will speak my mind. I won't be forceful or tell them that I think they're doing the wrong thing but if I'm surprised or concerned about something I'm going to ask the question.

I hope so. I will try to be like my MIL who is lovely. She modeled herself on her MIL whom she loved.

My mother could be a fair bit more opinionated than MIL but dh still loved her and got a kick out of her.

I have the in laws from hell and really don't get on well with my mil. I'm going to try so so hard not to be like her. I have a daughter and a son and just hope I can be the kind of mil my mum is to my husband and my brother's wife. She's low maintenance and respectful of boundaries. My mil on the other hand still thinks my husband is 5 and is so over invested in everything it's enough to make anyone feel suffocated.

Storm there are definitely ways around saying things where GC are concerned. DIL will sometimes ask me about something say for example to do with her child not sleeping or having tantrums etc and I will give anecdotes from when mine were younger and how I dealt with such things instead of saying things like " I wouldn't do it that way " or " you're making a rod for you're own back " etc because at the end of the day she is the mum and will do things the way she sees fit. Tbf she gets things right pretty much all the time and is a lovely mum.

I'm a step MiL - double whammy. I never comment on anything, bite my tongue frequently and remain in the background as much as possible. She probably barely registers that I exist. I expect that will end up being wrong, though.

I agree with you GreatDuck and I obviously misinterpreted initially what you said about not giving opinions, I guess it's more that you don't give unwanted opinions! Which does make you a good MIL!

I like to think that i will mostly follow that line too. Although I may slip up at times!

I have 2 DCs, a girl and a boy.
My DS is very much “my little prince” - Gavin & Stacey style.
My best friends tells me all the time “You are going to be the mother in law from hell when he grows up and brings a girl home”

I’d like to say she’s wrong....but she’s not.

Yes, because I have a life of my own and don't live through my DC. We are friends and I happily accept that they have different views on things than I do. I literally couldn't bear the thought that I was somewhere that I wasn't wanted, however saying that, will be happy to help out where and when needed.

Lastly, I don't believe that they owe me anything, we had children because WE wanted them, not for what they could do for us.

I might be more than a little bit batshit, but I'll work hard not to be. I do suspect that I will lose my two boys to partners who, quite reasonably, want to spend more time with their own families. DS1 and DS2 are pretty much all I have that's good at home right now, although some of that might be because the youngest is 5 and doesn't leave me much time for building my own life.

If I put myself in my kids' place, I would think twice about wanting to bring my own family to such a dysfunctional home. I always visit other people instead of inviting them to mine because I know what it must look like to a visitor. Some DILs might find that intrusive instead of seeing that I'm trying to spare them from something.

When DS1 started seeing someone for the first time, it was obvious that he loved her nice, normal family and the way they all got on together. He was suddenly talking all the time about these great conversations he'd had with a "friend's" dad, and how their mum couldn't let someone into the house without feeding them until they cried uncle. When they broke up, he told me that he'd liked her family more than he liked her.

He didn't bring her here. It was a glimpse of the future.

I think it can be hard if you’ve not seen a good mil role model