Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think because she is elderly it doesn't mean this

65 replies

Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 00:15

My DM is 85 years of age brain is still sharp but has problems with arthritis she sees her other 2 DD my sister's more than me because I work they don't.
I try to visit but get nagged all the time anyway one of the things being that she never sees me.i also have health issues and suffer from depression aibu to think that she is capable of calling me or visiting me sometimes she can get here in any one of my sister's cars easily .so aibu because of her age.

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 17/07/2018 00:18

I think at 85 your mums done enough running after you. Time to give her a rest.

Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 00:24

Mmmm she has always had a tongue on her though.Grin

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 17/07/2018 00:25

Confused not sure what your point is.

NeverTell9871 · 17/07/2018 00:30

Yes she could call, but then again you could stop complaining and just go visit. Yep, might be annoying and she might bug you but you'll regret and you'll wish you were being nagged once she stops.

Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 00:34

Yes I do visit but then I get that lipstick is awful,you need your hair doing, when u going on a diet etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 00:36

My point is that she bags me abt never seeing me and that she could never rely on me for anything but she never gives me any thought by calling me

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 17/07/2018 00:36

Would she say different things if she came to your house? Confused

Either tune it out and change the subject or if you really don’t like it then stop visiting. She is who she is, she won’t change just because she is seeing you in your house rather than hers.

NeverTell9871 · 17/07/2018 00:38

I agree with @AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale. Either suck it up and stop contact. Really, at 85 years of age, she isn't going to change now

NeverTell9871 · 17/07/2018 00:38

Sorry, that was meant to be OR stop contact. Not 'and'

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 17/07/2018 00:44

She’s your mum, you’re supposed to ring her, not the other way round. Like I said, at 85, she’s done enough running after you. Nobodies perfect, but I’m sure you can look past a jibe about lipstick to spend some time with your mum. My Nana is 90 and whinges about everyone. Puts us all in our place. I’ll miss her bollockings so much when she is gone. Hopefully not soon.

Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 00:50

When I ring her she gets impatient so easily if I ask stuff or misunderstand something. oh well maybe I should just suck it up

OP posts:
Takfujimoto · 17/07/2018 01:16

Next time she nags at you to visit ask her why you'd want to do that when all you get is criticism and complaints?

BlackCloudofGloom · 17/07/2018 01:56

A lot of older people keep complaining because they have so little of interest in their lives that they have nothing new to say. So GIVE her something new to say. When you go to see her, tell her you're preparing to research your family history and bombard her with questions - ask her about her childhood and all the old family members, does she remember all their names and dates of birth and who they married and where they lived and what they died of, what were their hobbies/ pets/ appearance/ personalities etc, what were their houses/ furniture/ cars/ gardens like etc. Make lots of notes - once she's gone you will have the information for future generations and hopefully it will give her plenty to say without criticising you. And you might even start a new hobby with a little help from Ancestry! As far as not visiting often enough goes... you could phone her, or have a stack of postcards and jot a few words and post one on the way to work once a week so she doesn't feel you're not thinking of her. Make the most of her last years, even if she is a crabby old cow - I wish I could have my Mum back.

AngelsOnHigh · 17/07/2018 01:56

I really feel for you Worzil10.

Doesn't matter what age someone is, there is no excuse for rudeness.

Don't just suck it up. Point out to DM that you are also entitled to be treated with dignity and respect and you don't appreciate her deregotary
remarks about your personal appearance.

Say it in a non-threatening, conversational way.

85 is not old these days and she sounds like a pretty nasty woman.
There is a theory that elderly people , like toddlers will play up with the person they feel safest with.

How often do you hear people say that their DC are perfect at school and with other people but play up at home.

If your mum doesn't change towards you, then just try not to take it personally and distance yourself from her to preserve your own wellbeing.

heartsease68 · 17/07/2018 02:02

How awful.

I think you have to make a decision that in your own mind, she's already gone. You're never going to get any needs met and she's never going to act like a civil human being.

Treat her the way that will give you peace of mind after her death when you are looking back.

Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 02:13

She is my mom so I would never sever contact but I feel as if she don't really need me at times because other 2 sister's always there and I sort of wish she could have been more like a mother emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 02:14

Has for the bombarding questions for a family tree she would just get impatient with me

OP posts:
Topseyt · 17/07/2018 02:45

Pull her up on these criticisms every time she does it. Say that it is hurtful, that snide comments about your weight and looks are very off putting and hardly make you feel comfortable or welcome.

Yes she may well get upset at having this pointed out to her,but age does not give her carte blanche to simply be rude.

If she criticises your lipstick then close her down by saying "well I like it and that's what matters".

If she asks when you will be going on a diet then say bluntly that this is a rude and personal remark as well as hurtful. Point out that you don't have to sit and listen to this and suggest that she stops right now.

I get that you won't stop contact. I wouldn't either (I have parents in their eighties too). Pulling her up on some of her behaviour is an option though. 85 is old enough to know better too.

thebewilderness · 17/07/2018 02:50

I am so sorry.
My mum constantly criticized me too. Sometimes I could turn it into a joke about her passing it down from her mother. It hurts though no matter how many times we tell ourselves that is just their way of going on.
Be the best person you can be and you will have nothing to reproach yourself for.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/07/2018 03:07

If your mum is 85 you must be at least in your 40s, but you sound very young and immature. ‘It’s not fair!!!’

Coyoacan · 17/07/2018 03:55

My mum went to my 92-year-old gran's birthday party and came back raging, but then they never could get on. It is hard, I'm sure. Could you make a joke out of it, if only for yourself to laugh at. I think she is too old to cut off contact with.

fieryginger · 17/07/2018 05:01

My mum can be like this, I've always pulled her up on it and she's more careful than she used to be.

She's in her mid 80's and can be a real moaner about the family, her health, everything. It can be unpleasant to visit her at times. But sometimes, she's not like this at all, and my old mum is back.

I know she's not going to be around forever, I'm just trying to focus on her good times.

I wonder if they get scared when they're really old and anxious about death? I definitely think it can be a factor with my mum, if she's not been well.

Original poster
Worzil10 · 17/07/2018 05:22

What exactly isn't fair Georgie ?

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 17/07/2018 05:40

Hello Worzil Did your DM used to visit you when you were both younger or was it always you visiting her? Have you only recently moved away or has it been a long time?

Vitalogy · 17/07/2018 06:03

I think some posters have been harsh with OP.

Don't forget to take care of yourself OP, if that means cutting down contact with mother then so be it. You'll end up resenting her and what good will that do. Sounds like mother wasn't there for you in the way you needed when growing up.

You could try PP suggestion with calmly explaining that her criticism of you is hurtful, if that isn't met with some understanding from her than I'd go the low contact approach.