To think because she is elderly it doesn't mean this

[Worzil10]

My DM is 85 years of age brain is still sharp but has problems with arthritis she sees her other 2 DD my sister's more than me because I work they don't.
I try to visit but get nagged all the time anyway one of the things being that she never sees me.i also have health issues and suffer from depression aibu to think that she is capable of calling me or visiting me sometimes she can get here in any one of my sister's cars easily .so aibu because of her age.

I'm really sorry to contradict a pp but I would say even these days, 85 is old.

Is the barrage of personal remarks the first thing that greets you and then stops, or is it dripped through the visit? Just block those comments out. 'Never' 'are you doing your rude old lady act again' 'didn't your mother ever tell you not to make personal remarks' anything to get through it. Then talk about something else.

Imo with elderly people going more often for shorter periods might work better?

Why not see if you can do things with your mum when you go over e.g. have a regular movie night or pamper session. That was you both have something to focus on rather than each other.

Has your mother always been like this? If so I’m surprised you didn’t stop contact years ago. If it is a recent development I would explain that you find it hurtful. As PP have said if you otherwise have had a good relationship with her you will miss her when she is no longer there.

I get it but you need to adjust your approach if you want this phase of her life and your relationship with her to go smoothly.
She's scared. She's asserting pointless sorts of authority over you because she's losing authority over the most important thing- her own existence.
Strongly suggest you find a way to suck it up /laugh it off. And find a way to visit more.
A bit of an out there suggestion- is Skype/FaceTime possible? Won't be a substitute in her eyes for real visits but it might help. Or just call her more often. Save up anecdotes to tell her that she might enjoy or be distracted by.
It's really hard . I really understand.

All those comments and you pick up on that!

You sound petty with your treatment towards your mum. She’s an old lady fgs, just be nice.

just be nice
Couldn't that also extend to her mother? Should she not just be nice too?

Of course but I don’t have her mother’s telephone number to tell her that!

Excellent suggestion from BlacCloud on page 1.

Jeez, all this guilt trip about when mothers gone. Pleeez.

Georgie
Clearly you have no idea what it feels like to be criticised for your entire life. Can you not understand that the ops age is not the issue?

Worzil
Does your mother like to hold court? Mine is like this. Then accuses me of being secretive. Basically any time I ever talk about myself, she turns the conversation to her so I don’t bother. I have, however started to talk over her when she interrupts me. Several years of therapy is now paying off!

My mother is 10years younger than yours and drives. She visits me as I’m too ill to visit her. Her health is far better than mine.

I agree with pp, who said short and frequent visits. Your mother doesn’t drive. Yes, she has her faults. But bottom line she would like to see you. Somewhere beneath all that shit she loves you in her own way. I would hold onto this.

As for how to react? I definitely wouldn’t tell her it’s hurtful. That probably won’t stop her and may make it worse. She’s competing against you and trying to control you. You need to be the adult. As for lipstick, you thank her for her opinion, go and adore your reflection in mirror, flick your hair/brush an eyebrow and say you rather like it. And your weight? Tell her it’s none of her business, you’re happy how you are. Rinse repeat. If she pisses you off too much, tell her she seems rather distressed/upset about x (eg your weight) and ask her if she’d rather you didn’t visit her again. Hopefully that’ll shut her up.

Unless and until you assert your authority she will do this to you. And if you do this, expect it to get worse before it gets better. Right now you’re avoiding the issue and hiding rather like a child (which i think is what Georgie was getting at but missing the issue). It won’t solve anything for you. Best to try and make peace with your mother before she dies. I have read people mourn the death of the possibility of the relationship that never was once their less than ideal parent passes.

So get your big girl pants on and visit her every couple of weeks for an hour or two.

Worzil, my mum was very difficult at times, but I wish she was still here to nag me.

@Vitalogy - because it's a big deal when you lose your mum and the final years are difficult.

Has she always been this grumpy? If it has developed over recent years it could be a sign of dementia. Dementia isn't just memory loss, it can completely change someone's personality. MIL used to be sweet and loving. Now she is aggressive and belligerant - all due to alzheimers.

@bellinisurge Yes I understand that. But I don't think a child should be beholden to it's parents. I would hate to think my son would feel this way about me.

@Vitalogy - of course no one wants their children to think and feel like this about them but end of life can be scary and, spoiler alert, mums are humans too. They get scared. They act up. Particularly when they are at the end of their lives.

Not all mums are saints who run round after their children their whole lives

Just because someone is old doesn't mean they are nice

Dementia is always brought up on these threads but it sounds like she’s nice to the other DSs and I don’t think dementia is selective.

Has she always been like this OP, more critical of you than the others?
If so, I think it’s really important to pull her up on it every time she does it. I disagree with mummy about glossing over it. It gives them permission to carry on, like all bulllies. I think she knows she hurts you but enjoys the control she has over you. The thing is the comments still hurt, however old the person is. My father is in his 90s and he’s much nicer to me since I’ve pulled him up on it. He’s been rude to me all my life, so it’s definitely not age related.

Ignore people who say she’s your mum, you’ll miss her when she’s gone. If she’s never been there for you emotionally, then the chances are you won’t miss her much. But you will need to grieve for the fact you’ve never had a mother that’s there for you. People who’ve had loving parents who’ve recently become crotchety never get this.

I agree that telling her that you find her comments hurtful probably won’t stop her making them, and might encourage her.
How long are your visits? Does she dive right in with unpleasant comments?
If it builds up over a visit, keep the visits short - maybe she can’t keep polite behaviour up for longer periods.

You do need effective ways of blocking her comments. You can tell her that visits and phone calls end when she starts making rude and unpleasant remarks, so how long you are with her is up to her.

Good luck! It can be exhausting coping with a goady parent.

If she's never been nice to the op, that's a different matter. The op gave the impression that it was always low level stuff that never amount to an NC situation. That is unlikely to change. If the op can't tolerate it anymore, she can go NC and live with the emotional consequences.
Or she can suck it up and hope for an air clearing conversation in her mother's lady years . Or not.

Later years not lady years

Not necessarily dementia, but as people age many do lose their filter. If they think it, they say it, even if it is inappropriate or downright rude.

Also personalities are magnified. If someone made the odd personal remark, you will find yourself bombarded with them. Or someone a bit focused on their own health will become a fully fledged hypochondriac.

Cutietips
*I disagree with mummy about glossing it over”.

I’m absolutely not telling op to gloss it over. . I was very clear that op needs to assert her authority. If ops mother has always treated her horribly and if she has narcissist tendencies, going at it like a bull in a china shop is not going to work. She’s a woman and will probably turn on the water works and paint herself as the victim.

What I’m suggesting is to manage her mother. It possibly worked better with your father because you straight talked him and generally men respond better to straight talking. I tried what your way with my mother many many many times. She then used what I said as a stick to beat me with and it damaged our relationship further and she became increasingly vicious and abusive.

It really depends on whether or not ops mother is a narcissist and seeing as she hasn’t come back we cannot know. The method that I’m suggesting is how to manage narcissist.

Reading this with interest. Not wanting to hijack your thread OP, but my mother sounds like yours. I am struggling at the moment to know how to handle it too. It's a case of do you make endless allowances and allow an old woman to make you feel like shit for the sake of your conscience, or do you call her out and probably make everything worse? I wish I knew the answer. A lot of the comments here have given me food for thought. I think it's easier if it's something your mother has developed in old age, another if she has always been unpleasant.
My mother seems to have a split personality. There is a kind and nice person there somewhere, but she has a really unpleasant alter ego, and you never know which you will get. It is deeply unsettling.

Mummy you might be right about the difference between the genders. Or it may be that different approaches work differently with different people. I think we’ve both experienced similar upbringings. My mother was like this too, though, so double whammy! I didn’t ever address it with her (as I hadn’t had any therapy while she was alive so was still in FOG, but would do now.

Taking on board your second post, I’d therefore recommend the OP tries different approaches. I agree not to say it’s hurtful though, even if she does respond to straight talking.

Cutie
I’m not trying to make you agree with me either. Sorry you had a shitty double whammy. Mine was sort of similar too in so much as my father lived vicariously through my brother and my brother is my mother’s golden child. Nothing I could ever have addressed with him either as he died when I was in my teens. .

When she moans at you about not visiting her more often, tell her that the reason you don't visit more is because of the critical comments, and tell her how it makes you feel. As her mind is still sharp she should understand this. Did she ever visit you or has it always been you visiting her because if it has, then I can understand the resentment, but unfortunately that's not going to change now.