To think because she is elderly it doesn't mean this

[Worzil10]

My DM is 85 years of age brain is still sharp but has problems with arthritis she sees her other 2 DD my sister's more than me because I work they don't.
I try to visit but get nagged all the time anyway one of the things being that she never sees me.i also have health issues and suffer from depression aibu to think that she is capable of calling me or visiting me sometimes she can get here in any one of my sister's cars easily .so aibu because of her age.

My brother thought my late father was disappointed in him and didn't respect him. The opposite was the case. Only towards the end of dad's life did he try and say this to my brother. My sister and I always made him actually say it - didn't come naturally to dad - he always praised me. As I was the baby , it seemed to come easier to him. Maybe your siblings could have a word about how her attitude makes you feel.

Some nice comments on here thanks.
She has always been a bitter lady because she feels her life isn't how it should have been. My dad always got it in the neck as well and he used to occasionally tell her off for getting at me. She has upset my sister many a time. I do love her but feel that she hasnt ever been there emotionally but she can't see past her own issues.

I feel as if she doesn't need me if that makes any sense because all her needs are tended to by my 2 much older sisters.
Also my nieces are good to her.
I have tried to tell her how lucky she is really compared to some elderly she has had 4 kids who support her well and people always visiting her and taking her out.
My dad was a decent husband always worked and provided but she always held things against him from the past.

My poor dad died last october

I have made a lifestyle change that she hates but which has made me happy and she always gets at me constantly abt it.
Oh and she bombards me as soon as I walk in and then it dribbles along.

If I have been ill she doesn't ask are u better and I may mention it but she will say oh yes sister mentioned something.

What would happen if you replied (in a neutral not accusatory tone of voice) when you are criticised for not coming often "I might come more often if I knew I wouldn't be criticised constantly when I do come"

OP, it sounds as though you are the family scapegoat and your sisters are the “golden child”, of all standard abusive families. Your role is to be criticised and belittled, in comparison to your “can do no wrong” sisters. If this is the case, your mother will always be rude to you and nothing you do will ever be enough.
I never met a nasty old woman who hadn’t also been a nasty young woman, apart from the odd dementia related personality change.
If your mother has always treated you with this utter lack of consideration, affection or regard for your feelings, then you owe her nothing. Start to consider your own feelings for a change. If you’d be happier not seeing and being insulted by this nasty old woman, then don’t go.
If she asks why you’ve stopped visiting, tell her that you’ve had enough of her rudeness.
Take back some control of the situation.
And to those who say you’ll feel guilty when she dies - I didn’t. I would have cheerfully danced on my similarly abusive mother’s grave, and have not missed her once in the 25 years since her unlamented demise.

Apologies if your situation is not like this, but I found enough similarities to want to give you some support and a heads up. I hope you find a happy way forward, OP.

Perhaps you need a suitable response to her bombardment when you walk in then....
How about ‘hang on - how about a friendly greeting before you start insulting me’.

sorry for your loss OP.

It really does sound like the problems lie within your mother and nothing you have done wrong. So really, you’ll never make her happy because we can only be responsible for our own happiness. If she chooses not to see the blessings she had from a caring husband and four caring children, there’s not much you can do about it.

If you have made a lifestyle choice that makes you happy, she may be jealous. People who have these narcissistic traits are often furious when someone has something they secretly would have wanted or even just the fact that you have found contentment where she never did.

Babdoc sorry you experienced this too. I agree with what you say.

Mummy, yes I’ve read your story and your brother has really had a lot of the affection and support going in your family. However, you seem to have a much more balanced life, so that’s a big v-sign to him!

You're an adult and you can choose how often you want to see her. She sounds like she's not pleasant to be around and, mother or not, I wouldn't be inclined to run around after someone who never appreciated it and who always had something horrible to say. So no, YANBU. Not at all. There is a relative I plan on cutting out of my life too (I know that's not what you were saying). But basically, don't feel obliged just because she's your mum. I mean she may not be able to make the travel (depending on how far away you live) but a phone call would be nice. I think she could easily manage that!

My mum has Alzheimer's and it's actually made her a nicer person than she was
She could be a nasty manipulative selfish so and so, she never wanted to know about others and couldn't give a nice word without a caveat if her life depended on it.
She however doted on my brother which was and still is painful as he's rather like her.
She is so much nicer now, it's like she's had a personality transplant and bizarrely this year (the year her Alzheimer's has really gone down hill) was the first time in over 20years that she sent me a birthday card. It made me cry.
It makes it easier to help care for her (I do this as an example of being a nice human being to my kids and because it's a horrible disease rather than any obligation to her as my mother)
Family isn't an obligation, it's a part of our lives we get whether we like it or not. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's awful more than often it's a bit of everything. OP you are not alone in not having a perfect relationship with your parent as this thread shows. How you deal with it is up to you but just remember there isn't a perfect right way and you may never make the other person happy no matter what you do.

@wonkylegs you're so lucky!! My gran always had a few nasty things to say but she could stop herself. Now she has no filter and tbh I find her unbearable to be around. I mean she had an awful mother, so she turned out well considering. She'll "whisper" about people who she sees out and it's like "Did you actually just say that?". She's turned into a petulant child. And I know, I know she can't help it, which is why I still go to see her, but it's difficult.

I have tried to tell her how lucky she is really compared to some elderly She probably doesn't feel very lucky! She knows she's exceeded the expected life span for her birth year, she knows that from now on it's a downward spiral, that her health will probably be worse next year than it is this year, and worse still the year after that. And she can see all autonomy over her life gradually slipping away from her.

Sorry for your loss OP.

of course no one wants their children to think and feel like this about them Some make it very difficult not to feel this way. Granted in a lot of cases if they were in clear of mind they wouldn't, no.

but end of life can be scary and, spoiler alert, mums are humans too. They get scared. They act up. Particularly when they are at the end of their lives. Certainly. But the children/child should take a step back if taking care of parents is at their detriment. OP sounds like she's at the end of her tether, a long endured one at that.

She probably doesn't feel very lucky! She knows she's exceeded the expected life span for her birth year, she knows that from now on it's a downward spiral, that her health will probably be worse next year than it is this year, and worse still the year after that. And she can see all autonomy over her life gradually slipping away from her. That's life. It doesn't give you the right to make those around you miserable.