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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should they have just apologised??

76 replies

Uddhsosihnx · 16/07/2018 22:26

Hello i did start a thread but it dissapeared...
To sum up as the last one was long
My ex and father to my son (19mo) remarried when he was a few months old.
His wife always seemed pleasant enough and despite the circumstances I have tried hard to maintain a co operative parent relationship.
The last time DS stayed at theirs i ask how he is in the morning and get sent some pictures and a message (on fb messenger) stating ex was still asleep DS is fine.
However 2 of the pictures are of DS in the sink with no clothes on or bubbles or toys to cover anything and preserve his modesty
So i reply saying he looks like he has had a great time although I have said to ex I dont want naked pictures of my children being taken (i see no need?!) And i especially dont want them sent over the internet or shared anywhere else.
His wife replies saying 'well lets just accept that everyone is different eh'
I was furious at the assumption her opnion was equal to mine never mind more important especially re something like this
Its all spiralled now with ex blocking me after i demanded they deleted the photos
AIBU?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2018 23:20

Yanbu.

Ceebs85 · 16/07/2018 23:20

You need to apologise and let this go.

You've hugely over-reacted. I sent my DP a photo of our daughter in the bath this evening because thats a normal thing to do

Keeoe · 16/07/2018 23:21

You'll "take it from there"? What on earth are you planning to say/do? Good god, my daughter ran around the beach naked until she was at least 4. Contrary to popular belief, there isn't a paedophile disguised as a house behind every bush, hacking your WiFi hoping that you'll be receiving a nekkid pic of your toddler. Lighten up a bit - it'll be a long childhood otherwise!

Rocinante1 · 16/07/2018 23:21

@TheTroublesomestTribble

I wanted vaccines. My ex didn't. Should the no have won there?

What a ridiculous rule to suggest.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 16/07/2018 23:22

Ask yourself. If you were still in a relationship and he sent you this photo would you still have been as outraged?

Can't speak for the OP, but yes, I would be if DH took pics of DD naked on his phone (for whatever reason). It's a huge violation of her privacy, hence he would never do it...

towbar · 16/07/2018 23:22

Well I wouldn't be happy with that either op
I don't have any bath/naked pictures of my kids.
You asked them not to take any, or send them via internet, and they have thrown it back in your face with 'well lets just accept that everyone is different eh'. yanbu

Nicknacky · 16/07/2018 23:23

the And I think you have issues if you see something wrong with a naked baby whose parents are taking normal photos of them.

Mintychoc1 · 16/07/2018 23:24

Toddlers don’t care about being covered up. Any more than newborns care. When kids reach an age when they don’t want to be naked, they let you know. You are projecting your prudery on a child who doesn’t care if his genitals are visible or not. It’s a photo of a baby in a bath, nothing remotely abnormal. Your reaction is bizarre.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 16/07/2018 23:25

I wanted vaccines. My ex didn't. Should the no have won there?

I'm as pro vaccine as they come, but yes I do think the 'no' gets the vote in 'this situation.

Then again, I would never have had DCs with someone unless I was fairly sure we were on the same page.

Short of a court order, e.g. In the case of life-saving medical treatment, I stand by my point.

GabsAlot · 16/07/2018 23:27

its not on the internet you keep bringing it up but its not relevant

if you sound half as neurotic as you do here to your ex im not surprised hes blocked you

Rocinante1 · 16/07/2018 23:30

@TheTroublesomestTribble

We met on a biomedical science degree course. Up until he completely changed his mind, he was pro vaccines. Our first kid got them, we split before I knew I was pregnant with my second. He had a new, hippy girlfriend by the time vaccines came around again and went all "no vaccines".

His decision was made to keep his girlfriend happy and not made in the best interest of the child or even in accordance with our education. But his opinion should have won and my youngest child should have been left unprotected, in a world were diseases are coming back because so many idiots don't vaccinate so herd protection no longer exists? Just because the no should win. I don't think so.

My ex had a complete personality shift when he met that girl; I wouldn't have chosen to have kids with that version of him. But that's hardly a reason to risk my child dieing from a preventable disease.

Mintychoc1 · 16/07/2018 23:31

There is no similarity between this photo and photos of babies crying or ill. A happy baby, in a bath, who has absolutely zero concept of the taboo of public nakedness, being sent to a parent - what could possibly be wrong with that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2018 23:33

You’ve got some making up to do OP and I doubt they’ll send you anymore photos or give you updates on what he’s up when he’s with them.

You’ve ruined the coparenting relationship as it was but you’ve got a chance to be sensible and work together.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/07/2018 23:36

So your ex controls his ex to the extent his ex is not allowed to let her partner bathe his children yet you get no say whatsoever in whether they take naked pictures of your child.

I can see why he’s an ex.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 16/07/2018 23:38

poster Rocinante1

I don't want to derail the thread, but to answer your question...I'd agree that he's a tool for thinking that and wholly unreasonable, but it is still his right to hold that opinion and to block the vaccination of his DCs.

If something is not mandated by law, then unless both parents agree, the 'no' wins.

Personally, I believe vaccination should be a legal requirement, and therefore the issue you describe should never arise, but this is probably a discussion for another thread, no?

Rocinante1 · 16/07/2018 23:44

@TheTroublesomestTribble

But it's not a legal requirement. Many necessary things are not a legal requirement, and your blanket rule of "the no wins" is just plain dangerous. And telling OP she is in the right because "no should always win" is not helpful... given her behaviour here, that kind of comment could end up with her making all sorts of demands and expecting to win.

If someone says a child needs extra tutoring in a subject, but one parent says no... They don't get extra help with a subject they struggle at? Swimming lessons... "I'm afraid they will get hurt so no" and then they don't learn to swim? I can go on.

If you agree with OP for an actual reason then it's great to voice it, but to say she should win the argument because she's the no? That rule cannot be applied consistently in the best interest of the child.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 16/07/2018 23:50

The problem is, 'what is in the best interest of the child' is a very elastic concept with no clear definition, and many interpretations.

I can't help but read into your posts, which are quite strident, that you actually mean my opinion of 'what is in the best interest of the child'

TheTroublesomestTribble · 16/07/2018 23:53

...the simple answer is, don't reproduce with a bellend.

The reality is, very few people undergo a seismic personality change post break up. IME, once a knob, always a knob.

Some are very good at hiding their latent twattishness until it's too late though, that I'll grant you.

Rocinante1 · 16/07/2018 23:57

@TheTroublesomestTribble

No I don't. My ex saw the kids once a month, and eventually stopped seeing them completely. But even when he was barely around, if he wanted or didn't want them to do/have something and he has a fair reason, then I would be inclined to agree. But that's the point... You need to be open to discuss and listen to each other.

When someone refuses to listen to another point, it becomes a huge problem. And if you live by a rule of "no wins" then no one will ever listen to the other persons opinion.

OP refused to listen to her ex, and clearly badgered them with her own point until they blocked her, all over something with no long lasting affect and which was actually innocent. She might be in the right, she might be in the wrong... But coming on and saying "no should always win" is silly.

Using that, the father has said no to deleting the photos... guess that means he wins on the argument over keeping the photos.

Bibesia · 16/07/2018 23:57

If something is not mandated by law, then unless both parents agree, the 'no' wins.

This rule simply doesn't work, not least because even the most together parents can't consult each other on every decision, let alone separated ones. Does "no" win on every dietary decision, for instance? Or as to choice of school? Or whether the child joins a particular club?

Also, of course, it's not practicably enforceable either. If OP tried to stop her child going to his father for this reason, for instance, the courts would be extremely unimpressed.

Gemini69 · 17/07/2018 00:07

I don't believe you are being unreasonable in your request OP.... I do however believe that your Ex's Wifes response was unreasonable... and very snidey Flowers

Rocinante1 · 17/07/2018 00:08

I have another one! My dad, but manly man, is terrified of crabs. No idea why! Just hates them and I remember his panic vividly from a trip to the sea life centre as a child. They have the touch pool, so you can touch stuff.. and they had crabs! I was all up in there, my mum was taking photos but my dad pulled me back and said no. Because he didn't like them... no other reason. A phobia that affected him - sad for him but why should that ruin my day when he didn't even need to go near them? He said no, mum said yes... and I got to hold the crab!

But, he should have won that argument? And possibly passed on a phobia to me? Make me think there was something to be scared of?

melonscoffer · 17/07/2018 00:11

Are you objecting because it was your ex's wife sending the picture while your ex was still in bed?
Had she just taken them, was she bathing your son withour your ex being awake?
If you have/had an agreement with your ex saying naked pictures are a no no then his wife needs to know and join in the status quo.

helacells · 17/07/2018 00:19

First of all he is pillock for remarrying when his child was only a few months old, seriously why do so many men do this, can't they wait a few years? Also she is his stepmom and has no right to be taking or sending semi nude pics of him. You are definitely not being unreasonable, I would be livid.

Nicknacky · 17/07/2018 00:23

Fuck me, why shouldn’t he remarry?!

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