I think DS is stealing from us. What do I do?

[catweasel44]

Last week there was £20 missing from my purse. DS has taken £1 for the shop from it a few hours earlier. I rang him from the supermarket so daunt was missing and he 'found it' in the floor.

Today, DH has had a pile of cash on a windowsill from an eBay sale for a few weeks. Today he went to bank it and there was £60 short. Once again, DS 'found' £40 although £20 is still missing.

I don't know what to do. He has denied taking it obviously. And I can't prove that he did but it does seem a remarkable coincidence that he seems to find it whenever anyone notices it missing.

I just want to cry. He's 12. I feel such a failure as a parent and am at a complete loss.

If it isn't him, accusing him would be awful. I want to believe him, but I don't want to be blindly stupid about it either.

I also don't want to let my own sadness over the whole thing get in the way of dealing with it.

I feel at a complete loss.

This is going to get me flamed but... it's normal, OP. You need to remove the temptation, because leaving stacks of notes on window sills round your house and expecting your 12 year old to resist pocketing some of it is...well, a bit foolish.

Sorry, autocorrect was all over the place. To clarify, I told him to take the £1, then noticed later £20 was missing.

I agree about the money on the windowsill - DH is always having a go at me about leaving bags in the car etc.

But even so, I still wouldn't expect him to take £60!

I did similar as a kid. Because i was smoking and needed the money to buy cigarettes (not at 12 but a bit older) my dad found out and punched me.

I wanted attention more than anything and that was lacking. Tell him you know that he's done it but that you love him and explain under no uncertain terms that its not acceptable. Try the bathtub method when you have the talk.

Best of luck

No. It is a lot for him to take. But how much was there?

He'll have taken a tenner or £20 at a time not thinking anyone would notice.

Hi OP I think it could just be a phase but take away all temptation to do this.

He could be getting bullied at school and handing the money over there

You have to dig a bit

Talk to him, OP. Does he get pocket money, is it similar to what his friends get? Do you know what he might want to spend it on?

Pengggwn - it's normal to steal from your parents? I never did and I would hate to think DS would.

I stole money at the same age...my parents kept me rediculously short of money and I had to ask for every 20pence,so I stole to buy tampons ,deodorant,food,toothpaste ,school stuff....if I would of had enough money and not been so tightly controlled how I spent it( I had to ask for every single sanitary towel) I would never of stolen...I've always made sure my kids had enough money and never had to justify what they want itfor...not implying anything in your situation op.just explaining why I did the same at the same age x

Agree with pp its normal, disapointing but totally normal.
My now responsable and trustworthy dd1 came to me a few years ago when she was 19, apologised and tried to give me over £200 that she apparently took from me when she 12-14. I didnt notice and I suspect a lot of the perfect parents who will come along in a minute and claim there teenagers would never do just havent noticed either.

I would go along the lines of telling him you won't be mad if he took it but he should own up if he did, then try and find out why. I would also be more careful not to leave money lying around.

Ginger1982

I think it is, yes. I did it. Not loads of money, but the odd pound here and there. Obviously I am not saying it's okay, but it doesn't make the OP a bad parent, just a parent who needs to correct a behaviour.

Never leave money lying around the house. Put it in the bank PDQ, as soon as you get it. If you dont, people (including DC) think it's not important, it's up for grabs. Yes, speak to him but remove the temptation.

I also stole money at about that age. I was never given any money and I stole it to buy second hand Pokemon cards so I could join in at school. I felt dreadful when I realised how serious it was a few years later.
Remove temptation.

It's quite common. Several possible reasons for it - smoking/alcohol as has already been said, paying off bullies, or buying friendships are all common causes of petty theft

This is what parenting is all about. Unfortunately.

I stole money from my mums purse when i was a little younger than your DS. All my friends had money to buy sweets from the shop by the school and i didn't. I just wanted to fit in. My mum was so angry when she caught me but agreed that i would start getting pocket money so i was the same as the other children. I never stole again. I wasn't set up up for a life of crime. Talk to your DS and sort it out. You haven't failed with him at all.

I don’t think it makes you a failure I agree with other posters that it’s common hide all money from now on

Does he get an allowance? (Not going to call it pocket money as that sounds too immature for a 12 year old!)

I also stole from my parents at that age. I also didn't get pocket money and wanted to get magazines like my friends. I don't think they noticed as it was the odd couple of pounds here and there.

Yes I stole money too as I was never given any and all my friends had money to buy sweets after school, cake from the canteen etc and I was lucky if I even had lunch

Mine started at about 9 "picking up money that had been dropped", moving on from the odd 5p in the street to £5 notes left in the house. I explained it was stealing, and that I hadn't thought of him as a thief, and made him pay it back by deductions from pocket money. I think he'd thought of it as taking money that was lying around rather than stealing from me.

Younger one started at a similar age, but I was prepared and caught it a bit quicker.

Both of them are now totally honest decent young men.

I think sometimes even kids that get pocket money (or an allowance) see a few quid here and there lying about and just pick it up. They aren't even always going to spend it, they just know money is valuable stuff to have and they like the feeling of 'having it'. Even just to buy rubbish to show off at school about.

I think it's almost a natural thing, like taking the extra slice of cake off the side, a sort of immature greed instinct. And they do normally grow out of it, and, yes, even those mums who say 'oh my little treasure would never do that, they know it's wrong' may have misplaced money, but small sums they didn't even miss.

I did too at that age
I'm a pillar of the community now though (chartered accountant, charity trustee and sports club treasurer)
£20s are a fair amount though that you'd miss!