I think DS is stealing from us. What do I do?

[catweasel44]

Last week there was £20 missing from my purse. DS has taken £1 for the shop from it a few hours earlier. I rang him from the supermarket so daunt was missing and he 'found it' in the floor.

Today, DH has had a pile of cash on a windowsill from an eBay sale for a few weeks. Today he went to bank it and there was £60 short. Once again, DS 'found' £40 although £20 is still missing.

I don't know what to do. He has denied taking it obviously. And I can't prove that he did but it does seem a remarkable coincidence that he seems to find it whenever anyone notices it missing.

I just want to cry. He's 12. I feel such a failure as a parent and am at a complete loss.

If it isn't him, accusing him would be awful. I want to believe him, but I don't want to be blindly stupid about it either.

I also don't want to let my own sadness over the whole thing get in the way of dealing with it.

I feel at a complete loss.

Do you get the Child Allowance if you do maybe give him a monthly allowance from this for clothing, trainers and spends. It’s not nice to have money go missing and he should at least ask before he helps himself.

user1457017537

Child Allowance is for the household budget, not pocket money. If the OP can afford pocket money, fine, but it doesn't matter whether she gets this or not.

I'm shocked so many people think it's normal to steal such large amounts. Picking up a few loose coins maybe, but not notes.

What could he be spending it on OP?

My parents rarely left money lying around, but I remember helping myself to coins here and there. My friend visited her mother's purse so often that one day she found a note in it telling her to go to confession and stop behaving like a knacker (sic).

Don't leave money around, and make clear to him that he is not to touch your purse without you present. Also tell him that if he needs money he should talk to you.

I did this about the same age. It was a phase I grew out of - helped by a large dollop of embarrassment when my Dad confronted me.

There's nothing wrong with me or my morals as an adult so don't worry about that. It is, unfortunately, quite normal and you've not failed whatsoever.

I never stole from my parents. It was unfathomable but sadly DD has stolen from me. It’s gut-wrenching.

Was just coming on here to reply in a similar vein to Summersnake

My parents were really bad with money. My DM constantly bought and bought and bought expensive clothes and beauty products she never wore/used to make herself feel better while I lived in hand me downs and cheap supermarket shit (and it was really shit when I was younger, not like now).

I had to beg for pennies, and even then I wouldn't get anything more than 50p. I resorted to stealing so I could actually feel like a normal kid and fit in with my friends. I would have understood if we were poor, but we were far from it.

What is the situation with you OP? Does he receive pocket money? is it enough if he does? Is there anything big that he has asked for that he may be squirrelling money away for?

What could he be spending it on OP?

£60 is a few KFCs and Costas. It's a lot of money, but no need to jump to "drugs" or anything concerning. It's probably bits and bobs.

@Mintychoc1 No one is saying it’s right but it is very common, hence helpful posters saying it’s “normal”. Normal, but heartbreaking. I never stole as a kid from my parents but my sister did. As far as I know, my 42 year old sister is not on the rob now.
My son did it and it was awful. He’s 15 and doesn’t do it now, but I’m far more careful about my cash and I still get a horrible jolt, if I can’t immediately account for any money.
Just talk to him and tell him how it would break your heart if you thought he was stealing from you.

I used to help myself to money lying around the house at that age. My parents would get me anything I wanted, but I had no pocket money and I hated having to ask and explain what it's for. I grew out of it (possibly helped by my mum giving me a totally over the top bollocking)

Our 12 year old steals from us. We are on a really strict budget to ensure we pay off debt and build some savings and we were withdrawing cash weekly to help us stick to it. Ds1 stole so many times from wherever we hid it that we now have had to completely change what we do with any money we have. He is unrepentant. Tbh though this is minor on the list of Ds1 issues and I hope you are not dealing with the other things we are... The only way to deal with this is to remove all temptation and try to get him to understand why stealing is wrong. It feels rubbish knowing you cannot trust your child (and it feels like an impossible job to change their thinking).

I agree with Pengggwwyyn and other posters; this is typical/normal, whatever you want to call it. Please don't feel a failure as a parent, it seems to me it's a bit of a rite of passage, understanding the power of money and what it can do - but without the knowledge to go with it of the rights and wrongs.

Your son will get it, he'll grow up. I'd move the bulk of loose money out of temptation and a windowsill is no place for it anyway, too easily seen and you don't want to be a target for break ins.

I'd leave some money around, make it clear that he has his own money and that if he needs more he will earn it - but that you trust him not to take what isn't his.

Try not to fret.

I stole from my dad and stepmum for years as they never fed me enough and I was constantly hungry and needed to buy food. I wouldn’t dream of stealing these days. I did it out of necessity. Maybe there’s a reason your son has been doing this xx

sacredgeometry what's the bathtub method?

Our 20yr old son has stolen over £5000 in three weeks, opening his own accounts online and putting in my credit card details which he managed to get hold of, despite me taking my purse to bed every night for three years, after a less expensive episode previously. Had opportunity to work, but preferred to stay home and do this. Great GCSEs, then dropped out. Supported, supported, forgiven, embraced etc. Have two younger kids to protect from the distress this causes to whole family. But grieving. Right now, don’t know where he is as we finally threw him out. Did we do the right thing? It’s destroying me.

My DS1 did this..started at the same age, the odd £5 here or there which I couldn't quite account for. Once I got suspicious it became clear. Unfortunately not until he had stealthily stolen several hundred from my pound piggy bank! He was 15 then.
He wasn't doing drugs (did smoke tho), and mostly it went on crap to impress his friends. We got a combination safe and kept all money in there. He grew out of i shortly after (he did get pocket money too) and has been an honest guy since. It was horrible tho, not being able to trust him.
It's a lot more common than you'd think!

Sorry, thought it was a new thread. Did not intend to hijack this one.

OP I remember doing similar at that age - not that amount but it was many moons ago so an odd pound or two was worth much more.
I kept 'my' money in a trinket box on the unit in the living room ( starter Crime syndicate 101 ) and got well tumbled when I stole the exact change from a tenner from my dads pocket.
They confronted me, poor things thought it was because I felt pushed out by the new baby, in reality I was just a bit of a gobshite who wanted more money to buy bits of tat with my mates.
Got a Saturday job the next year so had my own.
Have a conversation about trust, put all money out of sight, and by that age, start showing him your outgoings a bit more, let him see exactly how much things cost.
If £20 goes missing - let him know that's £20 worth of biscuits, crisps, treats coming off the food shop that month until it's 'found'

I used to steal 15p from my parents for my horse riding lesson because they could barely afford it and I darent tell them it had gone up. Ok so about 1977 but he situation is the same.

I opened up the communication with mine, why do you need money? Where are you going? You can go, but you need to load th dishwasher to have the money etc.

The new when you are 13 get a paper round, 15 work in the chippy, 16 chain store retail.

As far as I know they have never stolen any money from me. I don't keep cash so they would have struggled anyway.

Does he get pocket money?

I used to take money out of my parents’ coat pockets. When they found out, they sat me down and asked me how much pocket money I thought would be fair, as I clearly felt what I was getting wasn’t enough. My pocket money was upped by a relatively meagre sum, and I was so amazed at their reasonableness, I never stole from them again.

I remember taking money from my Mum's purse at around the same age. I am completely ashamed of it now and even was a bit at the time but same reasons as other posters.

I got very minimal pocket money and what I did get, I only got if I did a ridiculous amount of chores. I never got bought anything additional e.g. the things that help you fit in with peers, and only got clothes for birthdays or christmas and even then it would only be one or two things. I always felt embarrassed and self conscious and I think there was definately some resentment about this.

My DS also got caught out a couple of times when he was 11/12 stealing money. We hid all money from around the house and he had to pay back some of what he had taken. He has never done it since as far as I know.

I think it comes at an age when they are starting to experience a bit of freedom e.g. being allowed to the shop on their own and having money to spend and getting to choose what to spend it on is exciting. Along with that perhaps you need to review what spending money he gets and whether he has enough for clothes, weekly spends etc.

I did it a few times - took the odd tenner from my Mum’s purse & also pound coins from my Dad’s stash of change in his bedroom drawer. I don’t know why as I was always very well provided for & got a reasonable amount of pocket money as far as I remember. DD9 went through a phase & we had a little chat. She still occasionally explains away having extra money by saying she found it.

I stole from my parents around that age, and grew up to be a very honest law abiding adult, it's really so normal!

You're not a failure as a parent, just don't leave money sitting around for the next few years.

I don't think your DS is exactly a crime mastermind, and don't take this to heart so much. A lot of kids do it, and if it's handled in a reasonable way then it will just be a phase.

Stop putting temptation in his way. Keep all cash inaccessible. Don't send him to take money from your purse if he needs some, emphasise that it's your personal property, and that he isn't to go near it.

I suspected one of mine was taking money. I did the 'lecture' in an oblique way, rather than direct accusation (I didn't have cast-iron 'evidence' either), threw in the 'trust' issue, instigated a small weekly allowance and it never happened again.