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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask have you ever had a crush while married?

68 replies

youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:14

Or in a serious relationship.

I mean a real crush, where you think about them often and even have the occasional dream. I guess this is bordering an emotional affair and, while I am feeling extremely guilty, I would like some views or experiences that indicate how normal this is or how to deal with it.

We work together, have become friends through work. We have each other's numbers same as we all do at work. We message occasionally same as we all do at work. We have a lot in common and the conversation is so nice and refreshing and reminds me of my old self.

Thankfully, he seems completely disinterested and is also married. I love my husband, I wouldn't want a thing to change. Since having the DC I have enjoyed going back to work and feeling like I have some of my old life back, so I wonder if this is just a harmless crush- now that I'm enjoying some freedom again.

Or has anyone found that it can be more serious? I wouldn't risk my family for the World so please tell me if IABU and what I should do?

OP posts:
Numbkinnuts · 16/07/2018 10:19

Yes.

Move on. It will only end in tears.

Hope you sort it out x

Branleuse · 16/07/2018 10:22

im always having mini crushes where i get heart flutters about someone for a few weeks/months but I never do anything about it

Original poster
youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:22

Thanks numb, I have been feeling that this is right, hence posting. I appreciate the straight talking.

Everything I have is too wonderful to lose. It may only be a harmless crush now but who knows where these things can end up. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:23

Branleuse thank you it's nice to know it actually is normal! We're only human after all, but it's how we deal with it that matters.

OP posts:
MonaLisaSimpson · 16/07/2018 10:24

Everyone has crushes. If it's starting to take your life over you need to completely take a step back. Only engage with this person about work.

I say this as someone with ASD who gets obsessive about people!

peachgreen · 16/07/2018 10:25

In my previous relationships, yes, all the time. With DH, no, not once. But I appreciate it could still happen. The difference is that I would immediately distance myself from said person and avoid them as far as possible.

Numbkinnuts · 16/07/2018 10:26

It is normal. We are human.

It nearly cost me my marriage whilst the other party carried on as normal with his wife.

X

Toogoodtobeforgotten · 16/07/2018 10:28

Ah be careful of what you wish for!

I was married for 16 years - met someone - developed almighty crush (he also in long-term relationship and I did not perceive that he felt the same way).

Then ... I must have been leaking out the signals, and my crush then informed me he'd developed really strong feelings for me and wanted us to make a life together.

And Reader, that's exactly what we did. 7 years later, I could not be happier. It was painful at the time (not least for our respective partners where this all came completely out of the blue) but it was completely the right thing to do.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/07/2018 10:29

who knows where these things can end up.

Usually with broken families, aggrieved spouses, sprinkle a lot of bitterness and heartache on it and that's roughly where these things end up.

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 10:30

It sounds harmless enough at the moment but I would guard against it going further. Relationships - including friendships - flourish when they are fed and while attraction can feel inevitable, it isn't - there is always choice involved. Keep your conversations professional and don't share personal feelings, don't text about non-work related matters, don't indulge in fantasies etc.

You aren't doing anything wrong and it's not at all unusual to have the odd crush. But make sure you're in control of managing it and stopping it from going any further.

Numbkinnuts · 16/07/2018 10:30

Usually with broken families, aggrieved spouses, sprinkle a lot of bitterness and heartache on it and that's roughly where these things end up.

Spot on !

Original poster
youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:34

Exactly vladmirs what I was suggesting, it is only a harmless crush now but it could become more. And I know what isn't what I want.

Toogoodtobeforgotten that is really wonderful news for you that you are so happy. When I think of how I want things to be I am so happy with my life and family.

But when we see each other at work I can't help the occasional chat and I'm certain from the outside it would look flirty, even if I am certain at the time it's not

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 16/07/2018 10:35

Yes, it was enjoyable.

I wasn't interested in anything coming of it.

It passed.

Hideandgo · 16/07/2018 10:38

Never since the day I met my now DH. 12 yrs ago. I’ve feel lucky that I was and am very clear that he is who I want to be with. I hope I always feel like this.

fassone · 16/07/2018 10:39

Yes.
A ring on my finger didn’t make me asexual.

Original poster
youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:42

A ring on my finger didn’t make me asexual.

Ahhh thank God someone has said this!!! I have been feeling like I am completely unnatural and like no happily married person has ever felt this way but me

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 16/07/2018 10:47

No, I can honestly say I haven't (in 16 years). But I'm not self righteous about it and would think it's relatively common/ normal. However many of those crushes don't have the opportunity to flourish into something more, but work crushes are potentially quite dangerous as you spend so much time together and have work in common. I would be distancing myself I think and of there's anything in your marriage that needs addressing then please do so, so that you don't weaken your resolve or begin justifying anything to yourself. It's positive he doesn't seem to have any interest, but things can change.

RosieWoodChelt · 16/07/2018 10:48

I can so associate with OP. In fairness, my DH is hardly affectionate and hardly here so the spark as long gone. I do have massive crush on a guy I know and he is the one in my mind in terms of imagining intimacy. Tread carefully OP but you are not on your own. So many of u really want that other special one to be in our lives.

mademybed123 · 16/07/2018 10:51

Yes, I have, yes I am.

It's very innocent really, as it is online. But honestly, my feelings probably go beyond simple friendship.

Life can be complicated.

NameChangingParanoid · 16/07/2018 10:51

I had this, my marriage wasn’t great at the time, I realised where it was heading & put distance between us - just not worth it.

Homebird8 · 16/07/2018 10:55

The secret of happiness is not to want things you can’t have. I think internalising this will be key to your happiness.

tigercub50 · 16/07/2018 10:55

I had one over quite a few years but I wasn’t happy with DH then (he suspected the crush actually but has no idea how strong my feelings for the guy actually were). It was mutual & I loved it! I have never been so affected by anyone before or since. He used to look at me with such tenderness & longing, sometimes I could hardly bear it. Things are loads better in my marriage now but I still think about him sometimes. I don’t see him anymore & really miss that feeling of anticipation when I knew that I was going to see him. Enjoy OP but just don’t let it develop.

Original poster
youropinionspleease · 16/07/2018 10:57

Thank you so much for all of these helpful and non-judgemental responses.

The ridiculous thing is that if I really imagine us kissing or more, it feels awkward and I don't really like it.

The thing that is exciting to me is that we have a lot of things in common that me and my DH don't. We can have conversations that me and DH can't. That is the bit that feels wrong.

But I love DH because we are different. So perhaps I should enjoy finding things in common with others, so long as it doesn't take over.

I just googled emotional affair and a description is that it starts to affect your actual relationship. But this isn't even close to happening, so now is a good time to create some distance and take a step back

OP posts:
RosieWoodChelt · 16/07/2018 10:57

I feel the same mademybed123 Yes it is a crush but in reality I would act on it and sleep with him if had the chance. Am being a realist I guess.

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/07/2018 10:59

Yes I’ve had crushes.
But have never and would never act on it.

We are only human, and I think it’s perfectly normal to see a man you find sexually attractive and get the fanny flutters.
My mum always used the phrase: “it’s fine to browse the menu, just don’t order from it while you’ve still got food on your plate”

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