To ask have you ever had a crush while married?

[youropinionspleease]

Or in a serious relationship.

I mean a real crush, where you think about them often and even have the occasional dream. I guess this is bordering an emotional affair and, while I am feeling extremely guilty, I would like some views or experiences that indicate how normal this is or how to deal with it.

We work together, have become friends through work. We have each other's numbers same as we all do at work. We message occasionally same as we all do at work. We have a lot in common and the conversation is so nice and refreshing and reminds me of my old self.

Thankfully, he seems completely disinterested and is also married. I love my husband, I wouldn't want a thing to change. Since having the DC I have enjoyed going back to work and feeling like I have some of my old life back, so I wonder if this is just a harmless crush- now that I'm enjoying some freedom again.

Or has anyone found that it can be more serious? I wouldn't risk my family for the World so please tell me if IABU and what I should do?

Lots of posts on here about men having emotional affairs, I wonder how many people agree it’s ‘fine’ then? Is that not massive double standards?

It’s be devastated if my Dh had a crush on someone at work/hobby etc. It ok to acknowledge someone’s attractive, it’s ok to have female friends. But a crush is different. I think that needs nipped in the bud OP, to be honest.

People do develop 'crushes' but as long as you never plan to act on it it is harmless. It is when you want to act on those feelings that you have issues.

To be honest, I still haven't really worked out what an emotional affair is.

Yes :) With someone at work, I was sure he didn't feel the same way and is in a relationship and has kids. I'm married with kids
I had no intention of acting on anything, it was just nice for a bit of day dreaming escapism, made the working day a bit more enjoyable
It passed within a month, but still makes me smile when I think back - the silly girlyness of it, like being a teenager again!

I used my pent up "frustrations" to my husbands benefit of an evening IYSWIM - so a win win

As long as you don't act on it, just let it pass. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can't find other people attractive, a celebrity crush (looking at you Ryan Reynolds wink) or a real person...

Of course I have. I’m human.

I’ve always had to have someone new that I ‘fancy’ and love romance (or the idea of it).

Been with DH many years but he works away most of the time and my little ‘crushes’ are harmless and lift my spirits, so to speak. Often it’s just someone from a series on Netflix, it’s not always real life.

The major thing is that I would NEVER act on it, besides slight flirting. As soon as things start become a bit obvious, I draw a line under it.

It’s when the line between having a ‘crush’ on someone and starting to fall in love with them becomes blurred that it’s unreasonable.

Agree with the poster who said they are often a diversion when stressed

Quite stressed at the moment and trying to bury my head in the sand and have developed a crush on someone who i come into contact with through work. I know I would never usually find him that attractive but at the moment quite happily think of him and great times we could have rather than my reality

all the time. about other parents at school, people at work.i never ever act on it though and they just go away.

Yes all the time. I always have a crush on the go. Makes work easier.

*I used my pent up "frustrations" to my husbands benefit of an evening IYSWIM - so a win win"

This is awful
The idea of my husband getting turned on by someone at work then coming home to 'give me the benefit'

I used my pent up "frustrations" to my husbands benefit of an evening IYSWIM - so a win win

not envy

@thenewaveragebear1983 I certainly don't think emotional affairs are ok. Thats why I made sure to stay away from one.

However, a crush isn't exactly something you can help. It's if you do something about it that it's wrong.

I used my pent up "frustrations" to my husbands benefit of an evening IYSWIM - so a win win

Win win for you, maybe ItchyKondera but how awful for your DH. I hope he never finds out

To my mind, a crush is one-way, an EA is two-way. Crushes you can't help, EAs you can. Crushes are feelings (which won't go away if you suppress them ime) while EAs are actions (just not actual sexual contact) that you can choose not to do. Crushes can be harmless as long as you keep it to yourself. EAs always create devastation - whether they're exposed or not, the rot will set in.

I had this with a colleague. Realised it was dangerous, left my job and distanced myself from the person. Focussed on my marriage rather than my crush and we are doing better than ever.
Turns out crush was a bit sleazy when I viewed from a distance.

You know what to do!

Sorry but I don’t agree. An instant attraction is something you can’t help. A crush you can- you can allow yourself to feel that way, or not, and surely the process - attraction, crush, emotional affair, physical affair- occur in that order. They develop through nurturing the feelings. Surely you can see the difference if your partner said someone at work was attractive, compared with ‘I’ve got a crush on someone at work’?? It’s no different to having situations where you can’t have relationships with people for other reasons- Ie. Tutor/adult student, Doctor/patient etc. Just control yourself.

The point I made was about how quick mumsnet is to shout LTB about men having emotional affairs. Surely they all start with harmless ‘crushes’??

Yes but only ever with people who I have minimal contact with and no chance of it ever becoming anything outside of my head so I never worry about them become no dangerous.

However, as you are in quite close proximity to your crush you need to take proactive steps to make sure it doesn’t stray into an affair.

Alligator I like that summary. Although maybe even though the crush is one way, EA is 2 way, that doesn’t mean a crush is harmless. It would be very hurtful to find out someone you loved had a one way infatuation on someone else, surely?

It's happened to me recently. Every time I read about shitty abusive husbands on MN, I imagined it was him. Did the trick. Reminded me that I don't know him at all really.