To ask have you ever had a crush while married?

[youropinionspleease]

Or in a serious relationship.

I mean a real crush, where you think about them often and even have the occasional dream. I guess this is bordering an emotional affair and, while I am feeling extremely guilty, I would like some views or experiences that indicate how normal this is or how to deal with it.

We work together, have become friends through work. We have each other's numbers same as we all do at work. We message occasionally same as we all do at work. We have a lot in common and the conversation is so nice and refreshing and reminds me of my old self.

Thankfully, he seems completely disinterested and is also married. I love my husband, I wouldn't want a thing to change. Since having the DC I have enjoyed going back to work and feeling like I have some of my old life back, so I wonder if this is just a harmless crush- now that I'm enjoying some freedom again.

Or has anyone found that it can be more serious? I wouldn't risk my family for the World so please tell me if IABU and what I should do?

Life can be complicated

Yes it can. Even without getting into the complexities of human nature

MyBread your mum is wise! I will remember this

In the past with boyfriends, but genuinely not with DH, but I'm quite happy with other aspects of my life too. This seems to be more about 'feeling yourself' than your relationship, where did you lose yourself and how can you get that back without this man?

FASH you are SO right.

I guess when I became a mum. I used to go to gigs, read all the time and loved looking after my body, so I always looked slim and healthy. Yoga, swimming, running and weights at the gym. I loved it.

Now I have a mum tum, haven't read a book in months and if I went to see a band now, the bit I would genuinely look forward to would be the peace and quiet of the hotel at the end of it. And the kettle in the bedroom.

I do feel like motherhood has changed me in so many amazing ways for the better, but I also miss the me I used to be. Physically and mentally.

The connection I have with my colleague is obviously allowing me to indulge in being the old me. Perhaps I really need to work on the relationship with myself as that's the one I've been neglecting.

Of course!
I've been very happily married for over ten years but I'm only human and occasionally encounter the odd individual who gives me the fanny gallops. I'm pretty sure DH has too, I definitely know he used to have a little crush on the girl who worked in our local shop as he used to go all red and mumbly when she served him. I would never act on it, I just tend to perv from a safe distance.
100% disclosure, if I do find them invading my thoughts to regularly, it's usually because life's going through a bit of a shitty or stressful patch and I'm needing a bit of escapism. So allow myself a few day dreams but then things pick up and I'm back to reality and glad of it as I genuinely like my life and adore my DH.
Just because you're married doesn't mean you're suddenly immune to hot people. It's just how you deal with it and where your loyalties lie really.

fanny gallops

Anastasia what an amazing post! I really loved your funny realism, all of that is so relatable.

And I am very stressed at the moment! I work full time, study for a degree in the evenings, have 2 DC and we are mid house move and stuck messing about with contracts at the moment.

Escapism is the right word! Thank you

No. I have done in previous relationships and it was a sign that the relationship was on its last legs.

These things don't just happen. No one accidentally gives someone their phone number or spends all day obsessing about them.

If my husband was doing this I'd be shattered and heart broken.

I speak from experience. If an outsider is making you feel good in a way you are not getting from your current relationship, you need to take a step back and think about why that is. After the experiences I've had, if I were to find myself in the situation you are in now I would stop communicating with the colleague outside of work and focus on working on my relationship, with DH and myself. Because people don't look elsewhere if they are truly happy at home.

Sometimes I look at people and find them attractive. I may even think about someone in an 'in another life' kind of way. But I personally have made a decision to commit to one person emotionally and physically and if I'm not feeling good in myself, 'missing old me' etc (been there), that needs sorting out - not indulging on those feelings with someone else. If I feel a bit of chemistry with someone else I just keep my distance - of course nothing wrong with having friends but let's not be naive about it. Regular 'harmless' messaging and subtle flirting is emotionally investing in someone else. And it's easily done, especially when you need a little boost to the ego or self esteem.

Yes, an ex manager of mine. We are both married to other people. I am about 99% the feelings were reciprocated. We certainly talked about how important it was NOT to have an affair, but never talked about how we felt about each other. We made an effort not to allow things to boil over; there were no late night messages, no inappropriate meet-ups, nothing outside of work events. We did our best to avoid each other as much as possible to be honest, especially around other people.

He moved on to another job before lines were truly crossed. We are still friends and talk ocassionally. I still have some feelings for him. They will never be acted on.

I love my husband very much. That was the key in avoiding my 'crush' really. I love and respect my husband so stayed away from the man I had feelings for.

@youropinionspleease

I could nearly have written your post myself :( Have been with my DH years and never felt like this about anyone before.

I wouldn't act on anything but it's a feeling I've not experienced previously.

I've had people I fancied and dreamt about them, I've never had a situation where I would remotely consider even a flirtation in real life though. If I did I would remove myself from the situation it's never going to end well.

I should say obviously there's been people I've found attractive before, but to the level where I feel like I'm a bloody school girl...

justalittle it seems like we've all been there to be honest!

I'm on this thread to distract myself to be honest. But like PP have said, it comes and goes so this little infatuation will pass.

Failing that I will need to get a new job and move house!! (Luckily, both of which we are currently doing) That will solve this for me I'm sure.

I had a mini crush on one of DH's best friend's brothers once. It went on for a few months, but then the more I discovered, the more I realised he was actually an arse.

Apart from that, no.

I had this, I say it was an EA if I mention it on here as it went on for a while and it’s easier than explaining but in reality it was just a one way thing! I’d have died if my crush ever found out (very bloody school girl!)

I’m happy with my OH in a ‘rest of my life’ way but my crush was the idea of what I wanted when I was younger.

Just a dreamy Adonis shaped piece of candy. And honestly, almost every woman I know at work swooned after him (he’s not there anymore thankfully!) Even my gay manager would say all she wanted to do was hold him 😂

In reality, I knew he’s not what I want in life but fantasy can become quite heavy on the heart I think.

I haven’t had anymore crushes than that though, before or after.

Yes (no longer married but this isn’t why)

I often get crushes when I am in the honeymoon period I am more sexual gain more attention give off different vibes and find more men attractive

I think it’s perfectly normal and also to fantasize about what you are missing

But be careful we can all get carried away keep it a a nice daydream you will soon move on

Yeah this is the only one, besides the guy who plays captain hook in once upon a time.

He is certainly an Adonis shaped piece of candy.

Yes. But I stopped talking to them unless necessary and kept my distance.

Nothing wrong with an attraction but bad if it moves past that. Only you can control that.

I suppose this sounds a bit strange, but I tried to imagine it the other way around, if my DH suddenly got a lot of attention.

At first I think it would be really nice and flattering for him. I think he's so sexy and I'm certain other people do too. He's a really handsome man.

But if he actively started seeking attention, I would be hurt I think. Sad to think he didn't get enough from me.

I have to admit that I'm often wistful about the feelings of that kind of attraction, but I've never associated them with one individual - I.e. I've never actually fancied anyone since dh. But I sometimes fantasize about feeling that way again - butterflies in my stomach, the excitement of a text or phone call, the passion of sex with a new person etc. I often wonder how I'd feel about all of these feelings being reignited by someone. I'd like to say I'd stay faithful, but boy I miss those times. I totally love my dh, there's nobody else i want to be with, he's loving and affectionate, he's my best friend etc. But it's just not the same after 16 years and two dc! Not sure if feeling like this is normal or not. Just pleased I've never found anyone else attractive in that way tbh (with he exception of tv characters of course )

Yes, of course. A work colleague was helpful to me at a tough time in my life and we had a very good rapport. I think we were both aware there was a mutual attraction.

But. I think we were also both aware that we had no intention whatsoever of acting on it. We maintained boundaries, kept it professional and it passed by itself. And I never mistook it for something it wasn't, i.e. some kind of sign from fate. It was just projection and gratitude.

Yep, first time it happened I was engaged to DH and I dealt with it by walking away from the place I was having contact with my crush (temp job). Had one or two since and have handled it the same way, connections with people who aren’t your partner are bound to happen over a lifetime, what matters is if you allow the bond to develop and create the opportunity to act on it. My Dad had an affair that destroyed my mother so I guess seeing the fall out of betrayal up close gave me a perspective that allowed me to see through the fog of infatuation

It's completely normal. I think it's not just that you fancy them but that you see qualities in them that you would like for yourself. So maybe work on those.

It's much safer to have a crush on someone on TV as you'll never be able to act on it!

theyoni I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are so right that those experiences shape your perspective.

I wouldn't jeopardise the happiness of my family. I don't create opportunities to socialise, if we have a drink after work I strike up a conversation with someone else and focus on that.

If the drinks are going down too well I make my excuses and leave. I am very careful. I have taken the other path in a previous relationship and that was devastating enough. I was much younger then and wondered if it might be an age thing, but it seems that this is part of human nature (at least for many of us). But it can be managed well and avoided