Disappearing friend has made contact

[samidolls]

What would you do?

One of my best friends had basically dropped off the face of the planet since I had my son, and now today after 6 months has got in contact apologising for not being In touch. (I had been in touch with her since but never got anything back)

We've know each other since school, and been friends for nearly 20 years, then the last I heard from her was my baby shower, nothing when he was born or any time inbetween. (Even though her mum brought us a card round from her parents when he was born!)

I wasn't asking for much, just a text or something but I basically gave up on her, I wondered if maybe babies were an issue for her, perhaps something that she wanted but wasn't happening so she was struggling?

We had talked in the past about her wanting kids relatively soon but they weren't ready yet.

So what do I do? Say nothing? Or go back and act like it's fine? Or do I call her out on it?

In he messages she apologises for being "a shitty friend" and says there's no excuse?

I'm really not sure where I stand. I'd kind of just written her off, and was beyond expecting her to be in touch.

I'd definitely try and find out the reasons she disappeared for so long.

As you said, could be an issue with babies. She could be trying and struggling or she could have suffered a loss/es. It's still a bit off to just disappear without word but I'd hear her out before you decide what to do.

I'd meet her & see what she had to say for herself.

If she has a genuine reason, then maybe you can go forward but if not, at least you can tell her & have closure.

I would find out why she wasn't in contact for so long. Something really drastic could have happened in her life. You never know. Once you know what her reasons are I would then make a decision. Or come back to mn and ask for some more opinions then hope all's ok.

I wouldn't "call someone out" on something they have already apologised for. I would be glad to see an old friend, and grateful for the apology.

I have old friends who vanish and return and I have done the same myself. Maybe if I were still genuinely hurt after seeing such an old friend a few times, I would try to talk about how I felt, but most likely I would just leave it.

If you love and miss her then meet her. Life is way too short.

When you meet give her a hug say it’s been too long and ask her about her year. If you want to be her friend don’t linger on the past.

I would accept her apology and ask, with kindness, what had happened. But not 'call her out on it'.

I’m with GeekOne here. Life’s too short.

Babies can be a bit divisive. It shouldn't but it can alter friendships. I can think of two that changed when I had twins. It was their choice not mine.

I agree with the above poster, don't call her out when she has apologized. Could she be wanting a baby but her partner isn't ready or vice versa. Could she have had a miscarriage recently or be struggling to conceive? Was she worried a baby would change your firendship?

Lots of things and emotions may be going on and in the great scheme of things 6 months out of 20 year friendship is not a lot of time. If you want to, contact her and say that you missed her and wondered what had happened.

Good luck OP and co gratulations on the birth of your son.

if you have been friends for 20 years, let it be.
she will prob tell you one day. i would just take it at face value and pick up where you left off.

I would also accept her apologies with grace. You obviously care a lot about her otherwise you wouldn’t let her back into your life. Perhaps think of all the qualities she has and remember she may enrich not just your life but that of your baby. A child can never have too many people, who care about them. Show her kindness and forgiveness. She will explain why she stopped contacting you when she’s ready. It was obviously a big reason for her.

Surely you reply saying 'great to hear from you, I was worried about you, where have you been? '

And see what she says.

Accept her apology and move on. She may have been facing a personal problem she didn’t want to share - cancer, relationship problems, or for whatever reason, couldn’t face being aroung a baby (infertility issues). We had a friend drop out of circulation for si,Ilan reasons.

Whatever her reasons, it must have been hard for her to get back in touch after all this time. This suggests that your friendship must mean something to her, if it still does to you, what do you lose by seeing her again.

"I wouldn't "call someone out" on something they have already apologised for."

Neither would I. You have nothing to lose by meeting her.

It might not be anything to do with you or your baby and might be something totally unrelated that has caused her it of character behaviour. Better not assume it's all about you until you've spoken to her - you might end up looking self absorbed if you go in with that.

One of my closest friends did this. It was very hurtful. She told me some years later she was very jealous and unable to cope with those feelings. Tbh, she's been a wonderful friend in so many ways over the years, and since that disappearing act, it sort of balances out. So I guess your reaction depends on whether you think the friendship itself is worth overlooking something like this. At least she's admitting it was shitty.

I'd nae bother. I had a friend from primary school who did things like that several times, I always chalked it up to 'she was under stress' or I'd search around for some other explanation of shitty behaviour. I finally realised it was because she was the important person in our friendship, and if I was hurt by being dropped every so often that was just too bad.

She'll do it again, and probably at some time when you need her most.

I would reply with what a PP said, hi great to hear from you, I was getting worried, how have you been? Or Hi it's great to hear from you, I was worried I had upset you, how are you? Something along those lines. You don't loose anything by replying.

Surely you reply saying 'great to hear from you, I was worried about you, where have you been? '

Yep. Why are people so quick to take everything personally? Or to assume that x person is a shitty person/friend/colleague?

Don't ignore her as you still see her mum and you don't know what went on behind the scenes.

I would send her a text back saying "nice to hear from you, hope you are OK" and leave it at that. Let her know you are still friendly but don't do any running. Let her do it.

TwoGin has it right. If she's never done it before then cut her some slack. If it's something she does regularly, that's different.

Always good for an opinion mn!

I've gone back with this
That’s ok, I figured there was probably some kind of reason and you’d be in touch when you could.

I’m good thanks, what’s been happing with you?

I know it’s school holidays soon so we could have a catch up then?

She's a teacher so thought school hols would be the best option.

Maybe calling out was the wrong way of putting it, but I would like to know why she has been out of the picture for so long especially when she has been meeting other friends new babies (oh the joys of Facebook), it is very possible I could have been the problem, and if so I can only do something about it if I know!

We'll see what happens. I'm not sure who said it but I think it's a pretty good way to look at it that 6 months in 20 years is not a long time!

God I’m amazed you even noticed when you have had a newborn 6 months is nothing, it can fly by. If you genuinely love/like her, just let it go and see why comes out in conversation.

I bet she's now pregnant herself!!

That's maybe why she's in touch