Disappearing friend has made contact

[samidolls]

What would you do?

One of my best friends had basically dropped off the face of the planet since I had my son, and now today after 6 months has got in contact apologising for not being In touch. (I had been in touch with her since but never got anything back)

We've know each other since school, and been friends for nearly 20 years, then the last I heard from her was my baby shower, nothing when he was born or any time inbetween. (Even though her mum brought us a card round from her parents when he was born!)

I wasn't asking for much, just a text or something but I basically gave up on her, I wondered if maybe babies were an issue for her, perhaps something that she wanted but wasn't happening so she was struggling?

We had talked in the past about her wanting kids relatively soon but they weren't ready yet.

So what do I do? Say nothing? Or go back and act like it's fine? Or do I call her out on it?

In he messages she apologises for being "a shitty friend" and says there's no excuse?

I'm really not sure where I stand. I'd kind of just written her off, and was beyond expecting her to be in touch.

I dont care what excuse someone has. That is not ok.

Does she like to be the centre of attention?

Tbh you could have really needed a good friend with such a life-changing event in your life and she wasn't there for you. I would think very differently of her.

I’m with geekone.
I’m afraid to say I was this friend, had depression and self esteem issues and didn’t see my group of friends since school for about 3 years, none of them had any idea what was up with me but welcomed me back like we’d seen each other last week, be kind OP and hope you have a lovely get together

I do think it is OK to ditch a shit friend though.

I used to live abroad and friends were really important. My DH and I had a falling out once and although we lived together we effectively separated for about 6 weeks. We were friends with a couple and I told the wife that we were having problems. From that moment on they dropped us to "stay out of it". It blew over, DH and I got back together and a year later she called me and asked if I was OK. I said thanks but its been a year and there is no need to call again.

I drop in and out of people’s lives. Sometimes when there are big changes I need time to adapt. But I like to be allowed some space. We’re friends not lovers! The quality of your connection and the time you have together is what counts. Let her be!

I bet she's now pregnant herself
This is what I was thinking

TBH I cant be bothered with people like that, if they are friends they just wouldnt do that, right?

OP use this opportunity to be blunt - tell her you know she had time for everyone else and not you, so what was the problem?

Tbh you could have really needed a good friend with such a life-changing event in your life and she wasn't there for you. I would think very differently of her.

^I agree. My friends were invaluable when my DS was born.

Your friend just disappeared. If she was having a hard time a simple text to you would have been the right thing to do.

Does it really matter? Do you have other friends too? Do you think you could just accept her as she is, and she accept you as you are, and enjoy the time together when you do meet up. I have lots of friends who have come and gone in my life, and come back again. I also have very good friends who I see a lot of. Some friends with whom I was once very close, I haven't seen or heard from in a few years (whilst some huge life events were happening for us both). I know that it will be fine when we see each other and we will just pick up pretty much where we left off, as we accept each other. Yes, I could have made more of an effort. maybe they could have too. But, meh. Life is too short to make a thing of it. Let it go.

I've been your friend. In fact, I was worse, I didn't get in contact again even when I was feeling better. Just seemed too difficult to send the first message.

Sorry I think that’s unforgivable to not bother when someone has their baby , you feel so vulnerable at that time . I’d tell her to do one .

6 months is nothing.

I have friends who I drift in and out of contact with and may not hear from for over a year.

People are busy, life gets in the way.

She effectively ghosted you , who does that to a good friend who has just given birth .

OP does not say she tried to contact friend & didn't hear back, which would be ghosting.

Just that the friend has not taken the initiative to contact her.

When you are all older & wiser (like me) you will see that not rushing to be in contact the moment someone has a baby really isn't a big deal.

And who knows what reasons the OP's friend may have had for not being in touch. Never rush to judgement.

OP's response was perfect.

She's a schoolteacher - there's your answer. Speaking as a schoolteacher who loves her friends very dearly, I know there are times when I have to step back and not meet up in the evenings/go away at weekends when others do. I just can't, because of the sheer volume of work. It's no coincidence that your friend has got back in touch now, as the summer holidays are looming; she can see light at the end of the tunnel and wants to see you. Don't make a big thing or asking why she's been out of touch, just ask her how her term went and she'll probably answer your questions by telling you how all-consuming and stressful it has been.

I’d give her a chance. Meet up with her when you can; find out if she’s ok. If it emerges that there’s a problem affecting your friendship, see if it can be sorted. If it’s nothing personal and her life’s just been busy or stressful, be there for her as much as you’re able to be.
If she’s the sort of person who goes off the radar sometimes, bear that in mind in the future. Some friends will always be more reliable / present than others, but that doesn’t negate your relationship with them.

She did extinct she said she got in touch and never heard anything back in first paragraph .

I stopped reaching out to friends when I got very very depressed. It wasn't something that I planned, I just didn't have the energy to engage.

That’s an excellent response. 😊

Of course I would want to know why, this wasn't the actions of a good friend.

6 months?!!! It's only 6 months? That's just the blink of an eye.

I've been the disappearing friend. The reason for that I have disappeared out of people's lives is that I have a severe health problem that I don't tell people about. Personally I wouldn't ask her why she hasn't been in touch. I would see if she brings it up herself, or at least give the friendship some time to settle before thinking about asking.

6 months is nothing.
I have friends who I drift in and out of contact with and may not hear from for over a year.
People are busy, life gets in the way.

6 months?!!! It's only 6 months? That's just the blink of an eye.

Yes. If I, and most people I knew, treated 6 months of silence as heinous I wouldn't have any friends I'd known longer than the last 18 months, and wouldn't be speaking to any relatives at all. (And several of my relatives wouldn't be speaking to any of their family members either.) Most friends are early 40s now so maybe people having incredibly busy periods or going through stuff (whether they stay silent, or suddenly need more contact during something like a divorce) will have happened more often than it has for people 10 years younger. And time just feels quicker than it used to.

Unless someone specifically said they'd be there during something, people at this stage in life shouldn't have to apologise for merely not being in touch for a while. It's just life. Also know quite a few people who don't use various social media sites which makes expectations different. (Social media has probably changed expectations generally, for people who grew up with it.)

You pick up where you left off and say what's been happening like it was a week or two - there's just a larger quantity of stuff to say, and see if the person responds.

Friends who are teachers I don't even initiate contact with outside the holidays - they are under so much pressure as it is.

Posters are ignoring the fact that the friend admitted she'd been a shitty friend. So not getting in touch was a deliberate choice, she knew she was being mean and chose to do it anyway. The friendship would be over, for me.

Give her a chance to at least explain herself. I still miss a friend that I lost contact with after I had DS. I was struggling with him and my world narrowed down to just coping for quite a while (he was later diagnosed with ASD), and when I surfaced again she wouldn't return any of my attempts at contact. So I haven't seen her for over a decade, and now I've moved country I'll probably never hear from her again.

Sometimes you also grow apart from people.

You change or they do, and it just doesn't fit anymore.

I agree re 6 months being short. But in this instance if they were a close friend and hadn't even asked how I was after having any life change such as a baby, that to me would incline me to put them on the back burner.

People are busy. I am busy. But that's why friendships and relationships require effort to maintain the bond. Different ones require different levels. If this was an acquaintance then this is all fine. A close friend? I'm not so sure about that really.