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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disappearing friend has made contact

77 replies

samidolls · 16/07/2018 07:49

What would you do?

One of my best friends had basically dropped off the face of the planet since I had my son, and now today after 6 months has got in contact apologising for not being In touch. (I had been in touch with her since but never got anything back)

We've know each other since school, and been friends for nearly 20 years, then the last I heard from her was my baby shower, nothing when he was born or any time inbetween. (Even though her mum brought us a card round from her parents when he was born!)

I wasn't asking for much, just a text or something but I basically gave up on her, I wondered if maybe babies were an issue for her, perhaps something that she wanted but wasn't happening so she was struggling?

We had talked in the past about her wanting kids relatively soon but they weren't ready yet.

So what do I do? Say nothing? Or go back and act like it's fine? Or do I call her out on it?

In he messages she apologises for being "a shitty friend" and says there's no excuse?

I'm really not sure where I stand. I'd kind of just written her off, and was beyond expecting her to be in touch.

OP posts:

sockunicorn · 16/07/2018 09:46

@BECOMFI12 i think your message back was perfect. I would definitely ask her why she left (so dont let it lie). But i think everyone makes mistakes and wrong choices. this was hers. She clearly regrets it and has come back. So one more chance wont hurt :). As long as shes honest with you and you still want to be friends then i think you can move past it.

Eveforever · 16/07/2018 09:52

Juells I would possibly still call myself a shitty friend even if I knew there had been a good reason for me disappearing. You can make a shitty job of things because you don't care and you can make a shitty job of things because you have too much on your plate. Admitting she was a shitty friend could basically mean nothing.

ichifanny · 16/07/2018 09:58

I agree Juells she is aware she purposely avoided the OP that’s pretty cold treatment at an important time in your life . Sometimes I don’t see my best friend from months to the next and we don’t demand of each other BUT she has never ignored me around an important life event or refused to reply to texts or phonecalls .

MoltenLasagne · 16/07/2018 10:01

Not being in touch for 6 months because you're busy is one thing, not responding to texts or calls from a friend for 6 months when you know that she has been through a major life event is completely different. She may have a good reason for that behaviour, but treating a friend like that is shitty, mitigating reasons or not.

Loonoon · 16/07/2018 10:17

This bewilders me. 6 months is a blink of the eye in friendship terms. I have friends I don’t see or hear from for literally years at a time. Then at some point one or other of us will make contact. The second we reconnect it’s as if we had spoken the day before. For me that is part of being/having a certain type of good friend, when there are no demands or expectations but the emotional connection remains strong.

ittakes2 · 16/07/2018 10:21

You need to speak to her and then decide. My good friend did not contact me for a while when I was going through a bad break up. Turns out his mother had been diagnosed as terminally ill and given a very short time to live - he didn't want to dump that on me when I was already in distress. He'd just found out his mother was dying and he was thinking of my feelings. If you have been friends for that long - I think the friendship is worth fighting for or at least giver her a chance to explain and for you to tell her how you feel.

EveHen · 16/07/2018 10:22

Good on you for messaging back in a friendly way. There could be any number of good reasons that she hasn't been in touch - one difficult one could be that she is trying to conceive herself and having trouble? Or there are other things going on in her life that she didn't want to trouble you with when you are busy with a newborn? I agree with Loonoon though - 6 months is not too long, although I am sure you would have appreciated the support over the past few months.

sprinklesandsauce · 16/07/2018 10:22

I think you should give her a chance if she has apologised and acknowledged that she has been a bad friend. It could be baby related as others have said and she couldn't deal with it. I have had friends go through similar.

CocoaGin70 · 16/07/2018 10:36

I think I'd proceed with caution. True friends don't hurt you.

Whatever the issue is/was, you'd known her for 20 years and being ghosted without any explanation is pretty mean.

To text someone "for X reason I just can't be around you at the moment, I just need some time and I will explain it all to you when I can" is far kinder than just vanishing out of your life.

Jux · 16/07/2018 12:50

...the friend admitted she'd been a shitty friend. So not getting in touch was a deliberate choice, she knew she was being mean and chose to do it anyway. The friendship would be over, for me...

Juells, I see where you're coming from, but sometimes life takes over and before you know it, 6 months have happened and you look at it and realise that you've not been in touch. You remember what was going on in your friend's life and know you should have been there, and probably would have been there except that life happened and you missed it.

So, yes, you admit your fault. You apologise. You also hope that your 20 years of friendship counted for something and that your friend is good enough to accept your apologies and then you're both OK again and speaking.

For all we know, op was so caught up with her pg that she missed all the signs that her friend was going through something, perhaps something really, really dreadful. Perhaps the friend wanted to tell op and lean on her and needed her support far more than the other way about but op just failed to notice those signs that no matter how full of news you yourself are, your friend needs you to shut up and pay attention. Perhaps the apology for being a shitty friend should actually be coming from the op.

OK, just examples of why I completely disagree with your stance that OP's friend would be "dead" to you.

I will add that in the middle of moving house 150 miles away, coming to terms with my (new) profound disability, coming to terms with the fact that my dh was abusive in every way but physically, grieving for my mother and my brother, I let my best friend down. She was undergoing a massive change in her circumstances, she had so much awful shit landing on her doorstep and I let her down. I didn't jump on a train, land on her doorstep and hold her hand through the awful awful stuff she was suddenly having to navigate.

And then, I was soooooo ashamed that I'd let her down I was too scared to contact her even though I knew that all I had to do was say sorry and she wouldn't even expect that much. I was so shamed by my actions that I couldn't contact her for 5 years. I had been going to counselling for nearly a year when I got the guts to send her a message apologising. She welcomed me back like I was the prodigal son. (I have to add that I don't deserve her. That's what emotional abuse does to you, btw.)

So don't write people off. 6 months really is the blink of an eye.

KateGrey · 16/07/2018 12:58

I’m probably in part that friend. We’ve got two children with disabilities and we’ve had a horrid time with the youngest and school and I’ve become quite depressed. I’ve not heard much for a good friend who is ironically a teacher and senco. It has been a really tough and depressing year along with a member of our family being diagnosed with cancer.

Give your friend a chance. Sometimes I think you can overinvest in a friendship. Sometimes it’s better to take it for what it is and enjoy what’s on offer.

Magicpaintbrush · 16/07/2018 13:20

This exact same thing happened to me!!

I got pregnant the same week I got married. One of my best friends responded with a one word text when I told her I was pregnant and then I didn't hear from her again until my DD was 8 months old, so more than a year and half of silence for absolutely no reason. We hadn't fallen out, but she just suddenly didn't want to know. She was very much the type who liked to be the centre of attention, could be very manipulative and quite thoughtless, and I instinctively knew her sudden absence was a jealousy/resentment type thing. I eventually received an email from her which was very sheepish and regretful in tone, wanting to meet up, but frankly I was so hurt by her behaviour that it was too little too late. She had been a bit of nightmare in the years leading up to that point (she threw a drink in someone's face because they supported a football team she didn't like - it was stuff like that all the time, never paying her own way but sponging off people even though she had money of her own, chatting up my other friend's boyfriends, massive attention seeking, unreliable etc) and this was the last straw, so I basically told her to stick it, that she would never meet my daughter and would never see me again, and she hasn't. And although there are times when I wonder what she is doing now and what became of her, because despite everything I do actually still care about her, my life is less stressful without her in it. I think my other friends and family were relieved actually as none of them liked her and I had already forgiven her for so many things, chance after chance after chance.

Mousefunky · 16/07/2018 13:30

This obviously may not be true for her but I had miscarriages last year and they were so heartbreaking that I just couldn’t have dealt with a pregnant friend or friend with a newborn baby. It was far too raw at the time that I would break down crying seeing a pregnant woman or baby in the street ffs. I am currently having a healthy pregnancy but I have a close friend who also went through multiple losses so I have been very careful not to ‘rub it in her face’ so to speak as I know how it feels, I would also totally understand if she couldn’t bear speaking to me for a while. Maybe she experienced losses or infertility and she didn’t want you to deal with her jealousy so walked away?

KateGrey · 16/07/2018 13:37

I’d also look at what the friendship has been like in the past. If she’s always been a good friend there maybe a reason behind it. Having a baby can be a lonely time and sometimes you get too much time to think whereas other people are rushing along and very busy and it tends to highlight lack of contact.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 16/07/2018 13:37

I think you've been too nice. What is the point of friends if they're going to ignore big things in lifelike having a baby! It's not that it's been 6 months if no contact but the ladt time the op saw her was at her baby shower! She then went on to have her first child and the friend completely ignored that it had happened. Who needs friends like that??

I would find out her reason and only on that basis would decide how to proceed.

I had a friend all set to come to my wedding then just didn't turn up. That's fine stuff comes up, but she failed to even text me at any point to acknowledge that id got married! Not even a congratulations text. I would have accepted that. Just what was the point of knowing her if not to share life events? She was a massive drama llama who demanded blood, sweat and tears from her friends. Maybe she didn't like the attention not being on her for once.

AlessandroVasectomi · 16/07/2018 15:50

If she wants to renew your friendship, then you could be a good friend by just picking up where you left off. No need for recriminations. And what if she does explain the lack of contact somehow? Do you tell her off blah blah blah? A good friendship would weather this hiccup and would be worth reviving.

WomanWithAltitude · 16/07/2018 15:53

I wouldn't "call someone out" on something they have already apologised for. I would be glad to see an old friend, and grateful for the apology.

^ This

Meet up and see how it goes. If the friendship picks up again, great, if it fizzles out, well at least you gave it a go.

You don't have anything to lose, and people can drift out of contact for all kinds of genuine reasons, it doesn't make them bad people.

TeasndToast · 16/07/2018 17:13

20 years ago I would have said give her a chance.

Life’s experiences have taught me that life is too short to waste on rubbish people. My advice is to fill your life with everything and everyone that brings you happiness and ruthlessly dismiss anything that makes you unhappy.

greendale17 · 16/07/2018 17:28

Life’s experiences have taught me that life is too short to waste on rubbish people

^I agree

Fairyliz · 16/07/2018 17:28

My friend gave birth and on the same day I miscarried my child. I was only eight weeks pregnant so hadn't told anyone (other than DH of course!)
Had been trying for three years by this time so as you can imagine it was hard being around newborns.

I know it was only a little blob at the time, but it was still my baby.
Is it possible that something similar happened to your friend?

Nikephorus · 16/07/2018 17:39

Posters are ignoring the fact that the friend admitted she'd been a shitty friend. So not getting in touch was a deliberate choice, she knew she was being mean and chose to do it anyway. The friendship would be over, for me.
I've struggled at times to keep in touch with friends - it's not that I don't care, it's just that the thought of meeting up is a step more than I can manage (I'm like that at the moment). I'd admit that I'd been a shitty friend but it wouldn't mean that I didn't care about them, just that circumstances were against it. Luckily the couple of friends I have recognise that life isn't always that simple and don't cut me off - they're happy to say that it's fine and they're around if I feel up to it (as one did recently and it made me feel so damn good)

Openup41 · 16/07/2018 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOtherProfile · 19/07/2018 07:30

Did she reply to you OP? Or maybe she will take another 6 months to do that

Original poster

samidolls · 19/07/2018 08:06

She did and thanked me for being so understanding, said she had had stuff going own but she had let friendships slip and wished she hadn't.

We chatted for a bit and spoke about meeting up in the holidays. When it come to it I'll let her get in touch to arrange the meet up, but otherwise I'm happy to resume the friendship

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 19/07/2018 08:12

That's great. Hopefully you can pick up and carry on being friemds. I think the dynamics do change anyway when children arrive.

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