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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this about consent issues when someone has an affair.

51 replies

DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:02

A cheater continues to have sex with their spouse during their affair.

The cheater knows full well that their spouse would not consent to sex if they knew the cheater was shagging someone else.

Given that there's a promise not to shag other people in the marriage service, it would be reasonable not to have to check before each shag.

So the cheater has knowingly had non consensual sex with their spouse?

So is that sexual assault?

OP posts:
Original poster
DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:03

Because it very much feels like it.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 15/07/2018 17:04

Cheating is shitty but you're seriously clutching at straws making it a consent issue.

CanIhavedessertfirst · 15/07/2018 17:06

What ToGood said. Imagine if cheating was made a consent issue... I kind of think to make consent an issue here you're making a mockery of real consent incidents.

Original poster
DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:07

I'm not clutching at anything. I'm trying to sort out my own feelings in my own head.

OP posts:
CanIhavedessertfirst · 15/07/2018 17:07

TooTrue, even

Dontaskmeanything · 15/07/2018 17:07

You could say that about anyone not being honest in sexual relationships but no, not a consent issue.

LunaTrap · 15/07/2018 17:08

I think affairs violate consent. The betrayed spouse makes decisions based on the belief that they are in a monogamous relationship- things that can have life changing consequences such as TTC, not thinking they need to use condoms, and making huge financial decisions. If you know that your spouse would not have sex with you if you told them the truth then it isn't true consent IMO.

Aridane · 15/07/2018 17:10

No, not sexual assault

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 17:10

So the cheater has knowingly had non consensual sex with their spouse?

So is that sexual assault?

It really cheapens non-consensual sex to try to claim an affair is sexual assault.

Affairs are horrible but this is an utterly bizarre conclusion to reach.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2018 17:11

If only it was...there would be no affairs.

Especially when you get an STD as a result...it would definitely feel like assault.

Original poster
DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:12

I have been the victim of sexual assault by someone I know. There's quite a big overlap in my feeling about both situations. I'm trying to process this.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 15/07/2018 17:12

'm trying to sort out my own feelings in my own head.

And that is completely understandable. You have been betrayed, lied to, your trust has been shattered in a way that very few people can ever forgive. What do you hope to achieve though by trying to label this as sexual assault? It certainly isn't by any legal definition so where would you go with it even if some people choose to agree with you?

HubrisComicGhoul · 15/07/2018 17:13

I don't know, if you are having non barrier protected sex, you are doing that on the condition that both party's have no STD risk. Having unprotected sex, when you know you could pass something on, is a little too close to removing a condom in the middle of sex. It's breaching the spirit of consent, if not the actual word.

Sitranced · 15/07/2018 17:13

You're confusing the two separate issues.

LunaTrap · 15/07/2018 17:14

I think breeching the spirit of consent is a good way of putting it.

Original poster
DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:15

Purple I don't mean the sex he had with her, I mean the sex he had with me while the affair was going on is non consensual.

OP posts:
FangAchePartDeux · 15/07/2018 17:16

Imagine this scenario:

My DH probably wouldn't have had sex with me last night had he known I called his MIL a bitch when chatting to a friend yesterday.

Did I sexually assault him, and therefore should I be in prison? Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 17:16

I know what you meant. Its still a ridiculous comparison. It is not sexual assault. Horrible, scummy behaviour, yes.

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 15/07/2018 17:18

This reminds me of what a friend said. A guy she was seeing slept with her but then turns out he didnt want anything more than sex. she was saying she felt raped as she wouldnt have consented had she known! I was like wtf!

FangAchePartDeux · 15/07/2018 17:18

*his DM, not his MIL

GloGirl · 15/07/2018 17:18

I think these is something hidden in this. E.g. I do feel it was a form of assault that the police officers undercover used their fakes credentials and backgrounds and beliefs and seduced, married and had children with unsuspecting women.

I also think to the very rare issue I've read about with a couple of people who lie about their sexual organs before they have an intimate relationship with someone.

I don't know at what point a betrayal becomes an assault.

FangAchePartDeux · 15/07/2018 17:19

she was saying she felt raped as she wouldnt have consented had she known! I was like wtf!

Wow! I think "used" might have been a better word!

Original poster
DryGrass · 15/07/2018 17:19

I wouldn't go anywhere with it TooGood. It's only just occurred to me to think about the sex we were having during his affair and the thoughts just came out of nowhere. The physical feelings I had in response to those thoughts overlapped hugely with the ones I felt before (though there were differences) and I haven't read anything about that so I thought I'd just ask.

OP posts:
putonyourdancingshoes · 15/07/2018 17:21

No, consent to sexual activity is made on the basis of what you know/feel at that specific time. You cannot claim assault if you later find out that was happening.

putonyourdancingshoes · 15/07/2018 17:22

Exceptional circumstances like coercion, drugs aside.