To think this about consent issues when someone has an affair.

[DryGrass]

A cheater continues to have sex with their spouse during their affair.

The cheater knows full well that their spouse would not consent to sex if they knew the cheater was shagging someone else.

Given that there's a promise not to shag other people in the marriage service, it would be reasonable not to have to check before each shag.

So the cheater has knowingly had non consensual sex with their spouse?

So is that sexual assault?

Just to be very clear, I'm not claiming anything or thinking to go anywhere with this. I'm just interested in viewpoints.

You cannot withdraw consent after the event. Imagine how devastating that would be in terms of revenge rape claims.

Understand your frustration but I think you are trying to use a sledgehammer to crack a walnut tbh.

I don't know at what point a betrayal becomes an assault.

I'm no expert but I'd imagine an assault would have to be: a) physical; i.e lying doesn't count and b) non-consensual; i.e at the exact moment of it happening you don't/can't give your consent.

It wasn't non consensual sex. You agreed to have sex with him. Just because you didn't know he was having an affair it doesn't make it non consensual.

Stop calling it that! There are genuine people out there who have been emotionally and physically hurt from non consensual sex!

I'm not trying to DO anything. I'm processing my feelings as per my last post.

I'm with you OP. I don't quite know how exactly to frame it, but to deceive someone into having sex is definitely a violation. I'm not at all surprised your feelings overlap with the feelings you had after your assault.

@drygrass - I agree with what you’re saying. It’s basically deceiving someone and exposing them to STDs.

However, I don’t think it would be possible to police or enforce.

It is actually quite insulting and hurtful that you would compare actual sexual assault with being cheated on.

You really need to give your head a wobble.

I think, OP, the overlapping feelings you have from your two experiences may be of hurt, disgust, anger and betrayal.

Premier if you read my posts, you'll see that I've been the victim of sexual assault.

Have you had any counselling to help you deal with the previous assault? I understand to some degree where you're coming from by the way and get your point. I just think you're taking your emotions down a rabbit hole. I'm sorry you're going through this and doubly sorry you're the victim of a previous sexual assault. Please don't mistake my comments as being unsupportive, you have my absolute sympathy (for what it might be worth).

No, that would open a whole new avenue of revenge claims of rape. It would very much come down to one persons word over another and could ruin lives.

I am sorry that you have experienced what you have but what you are saying is wrong.

FangAche calling your MIL a bitch wouldn't give you an STD though.

It’s basically deceiving someone and exposing them to STDs.

And that’s the same as forcing someone to have sex with you? Really?

Yes but change the lie from being faithful to wearing a condom

“It wasn't non consensual sex. You agreed to have sex with him. Just because you didn't know he wasn’t wearing a condom it doesn't make it non consensual”

It’s difficult because it seems that consent can be conditional when it comes to contraception

Just to add I don't think it could be criminalised or policed but I do support the idea that the betrayed spouse has their consent violated. And I have been raped.

I'm going to leave this thread now and hide it as I seem to have to keep repeating stuff I've already posted.
So for the last time -
I have BEEN the victim of sexual assault in the past and I am definitely not trivializing it.
I have no intention of doing anything about taking this further.
Thanks to those who have bothered to read my posts and respond thoughtfully - whatever your opinion was.

I think you have raised a good question OP.

And I’m sorry that both of these men have violated and let you down so badly.

It was GBH back in April when that man had unprotected consensual sex knowing that he had HIV.

It's not sexual assault .. it's more of a scam .. sexual assault is saying no before the fact - not regretting having said yes

I know what you're getting. It's the feeling of violation that's the common thread between this and sexual assault. As you say, it's not completely the same, but there's that overlap in response/feeling.

DryGrass
I’m sorry you are getting some harsh replies. I can see exactly what you mean but I’m not sure I think it’s sexual assault. I can see why you asked.
It’s sort of similar to a couple agreeing to have sex where both agree to use contraception but one secretly doesn’t. The other person would have had sex willingly but would not have done so if they knew there was a chance of pregnancy.

@DryGrass I think I understand what your getting at. You are not trivialising sexual assault but you feel violated. Hope I'm not putting words in your mouth but it's like when men 'stealth' by gaining consent for sex with a condom but secretly remove it.

I think our sexual offence laws are overdue an overhaul.

I think there are two different responses here. Legally, the answer is no - this wouldn't count as sexual assault.

But the emotional impact is akin to a violation of consent. You might not consent to sleep with a man who you knew had multiple sexual partners, and for very good reasons. And if you have been deceived, and are having sex under circumstances you wouldn't have agreed to, then from an ethical and moral perspective it IS a consent issue. That is one of the reasons being cheated on feels like such a terrible betrayal. You've been tricked into something you wouldn't have agreed to.

So YANBU to feel like, from your experiences, these things are comparable.

You dont need to 'give your head a wobble'. Its not sexual assualt,
but you wouldnt had consented had you known the truth. He has taken that decision away from you. I'd feel violated too.