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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a baby when I'm not 100% sure

51 replies

Khaaan · 14/07/2018 22:33

DH and I are early 30s, he has wanted to start a family for a while but I've been more unsure, going between yes, no and let's wait awhile. He is now also more on the fence (or says he is because he knows how unsure I've been) and is leaving it up to me to decide. I don't particularly want children right now but also can't imagine never having children, should we just go for it considering it could potentially take us a while to conceive?

OP posts:

coconutpie · 14/07/2018 22:48

You may conceive on your first cycle of trying - how would that make you feel?

butlerswharf · 14/07/2018 22:50

If you're not sure at the moment I'd wait.

WanderingTrolley1 · 14/07/2018 22:51

I’d say no. It’s bloody hard work when you’re 100% you want them!

Original poster

Khaaan · 14/07/2018 23:00

@coconutpie, absolutely terrified lol, but everyone gets a bit scared of something so life changing surely?!

@butlerswharf, that's been my feeling for a while now and whilst I'm still unsure the thought of leaving it too late is also pretty scary

@WanderingTrolley1, the hardwork bit is what puts me off, I love children (work with children for my job) but this means I've seen just exactly how hard being a parent can be.

OP posts:

AndCallMeNancy · 14/07/2018 23:07

I wasn’t that sure if I wanted kids at your age. I wasn’t a bit broody. I liked kids but it seemed like such hard work. My DH felt similar. We had a dog at that point and I think looking back he met a lot of my maternal needs, if that makes sense.

However, just after my 34th birthday we decided to go for it having spoken to couple of older couples we know who hadn’t had kids and both said to go for it, that they regretted it. We figured it was more likely that we would regret not having kids than we would having them (although that does obviously happen). I got pregnant straight away. I was excited at points of the pregnancy but did also feel quite ambivalent at times and was really scared I wouldn’t be a good mum. Then I had my lovely daughter and it was the best thing ever. Being a mum is wonderful and I really love it. We knew we wanted more straight away. It was an almost primal need. When she was 18months old we started trying again for number two but it has never happened. We’ve tried for over 2.5 years now and had three cycles of IVF but no second baby. It’s likely now that it will never happen, I’ll be 40 next year. Whilst I know I’m so lucky to have my DD and I am so thankful for her, not having another has brought me great pain and sadness. And guilt that I haven’t been able to provide a sibling for my daughter.

It’s your decision but if you think you might want a child I would make the decision and remember that whilst fertility is very individual, it does drop off quite dramatically for a lot women after the age of 35 - I am a good example of this unfortunately.

Gravelballoonface · 14/07/2018 23:21

I didn't really want children - I'd not totally written it off but I really wasn't keen. I'd been married for almost 2 years to the most lovely man in the world, and he wanted kids but was happy to 'wait'. He's 5 years older than me and had said once that he didn't want to be an "old dad", so when I turned 32 I suggested we start trying. The thing is (and which I'd never, ever admit IRL), I still didn't want children. I was just desperate to keep DH - not that he'd made any sign at all of going anywhere!! It took 5 months to fall pregnant, and I spent the pregnancy terrified...of birth, of not loving my child, and of being a crap mum.

Our child is now 16 months old and I'm 6 months pg with number 2. This pregnancy is totally different, because I know how fiercely I can love a little person. I can't wait to meet another one! I had a fabulous birth and became a total earth mother - babywearing, still breastfeeding, gave up work altogether. I'd NEVER have believed ANY of this a couple of years ago.

To be honest, I'm regularly haunted by the fact I took a ridiculous risk. I didn't want children at the time, and I'd advise anybody who knows this to stick to their guns until they're ready. I was foolhardy and weak.... but I'm thankful every single day that it worked out, and my child(ren) have two loving, devoted shattered parents!

Original poster

Khaaan · 14/07/2018 23:34

@AndCallMeNancy and @Gravelballoonface, thank you for such insightful answers. I can be quite indecisive with bigger decisions, for example I must have tried on around 50 wedding dresses before settling for one that I ended up loving but was a case of "Aargh this will do" in the shop, similar story when we were looking for our first house, probably viewed around 20 before finding one we both liked. I worry that I'll waste all of my potential child-bearing years dithering and then it will be too late.

OP posts:

sayanythingelse · 14/07/2018 23:54

Why not just come off contraception (if you're on it) and see what happens?

I was in the same position as you although we had TTC previously and nothing happened. I wasn't too fussed though as I was still on the fence but i stayed off contraception and thought if it happened, it was meant to be. My DD is nearly 7 months old now and she's amazing. She makes me so glad that I "accidentally" got pregnant.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 15/07/2018 01:12

* i can be quite indecisive with bigger decisions, for example I must have tried on around 50 wedding dresses.* Yes. Exactly the same as starting a family!!

Appleandmango22 · 15/07/2018 02:15

khaaan I’m shit at making decisions and regret 90% of anything I’ve ever had to choose/decide on in my life.
I always wanted children but wasn’t sure when. Eventually after we married we just decided to ‘see what happens’.
I fell pregnant quickly but had a mmc. I fell again and went through all of the will I be a good mum, how will I manage, what if I regret having children blah blah. I now have a 6 week old baby girl. I absolutely adore her, and couldn’t imagine my life without her. It’s not been easy, trying to breastfeed for me has been a real low point, to the point of severely affecting my mental health. And I’m sure the older she gets there will be more difficult points to come but I’m very glad I have her. It is something you have to go in to 100% sure it’s what you want.

Original poster

Khaaan · 15/07/2018 10:02

@Marriedwithchildren5 I am extremely aware that deciding on a wedding dress is nothing like deciding whether to have children. The fact I couldn't even decide that makes me even more unsure of myself.
I don't have very strong gut feelings when it comes to decisions I just have to be logical about things.

@Appleandmango22 I'm not sure I want children right now but I think I'm pretty sure I'm not someone who never wants children IYSWIM

OP posts:

CaliforniaLoove · 15/07/2018 10:24

Marriedwithchildren5 I am extremely aware that deciding on a wedding dress is nothing like deciding whether to have children. The fact I couldn't even decide that makes me even more unsure of myself.
I don't have very strong gut feelings when it comes to decisions I just have to be logical about things.

Appleandmango22 I'm not sure I want children right now but I think I'm pretty sure I'm not someone who never wants children IYSWIM

Could have written both of these sentences! No advice, but solidarity OP!

India1819 · 15/07/2018 10:30

I could have written the OP. We’re at the point of trying now. I’m not 100% sure I’m ready, but I do know 100% that I definitely want children at some point and time is not on my side. Is anyone ever really ready?!

Original poster

Khaaan · 15/07/2018 11:07

@CaliforniaLoove and @India1819, so glad others feel the same! I can picture us with primary school age kids and loving that but the ages either side are the bits that worry me. Teenage years I can think well that'll be a while away and everyone learns as they go along but the thought of suddenly having a baby to look after is scary!

OP posts:

DoubleHelix79 · 15/07/2018 11:33

I was in a similar position. I was 36, husband the same age. Wasn't 100% sure I wanted kids, but felt I would be sad not to have had any. DH left it completely up to me. Financially and career wise we were as ready as we would ever get.

Got pregnant pretty quickly. fairly ambivalent (occasionally terrified) all through pregnancy. As soon as DD was born it really felt like the right choice. I'm glad we did it. Exhausting and bloody hard, but the right choice.

I guess you just have to just take a conscious, rational decision at some point. Some women feel very maternal, others don't. Didn't mean you won't be happy having childen.

Original poster

Khaaan · 16/07/2018 07:38

@DoubleHelix79 I love children, it's the babies and labour bits that worry me the most I think. I suppose I've got to see that as just something I'll have to get through to end up with children and hopefully I'll end up enjoying the baby stage, or at least not hating it when it comes to it.

OP posts:

BrownTurkey · 16/07/2018 07:51

I think so, if you want them one day then you are probably as ready as you will ever be and more likely to regret delaying.

DoubleHelix79 · 16/07/2018 07:52

DD is 16 months now and I do enjoy her much more now. She was seriously hard work the first 6 months. Difficult sleeper (day and night), lots of screaming despite no apparent physical reason. Both DH and I had six months parental leave and even with both of us there we were exhausted.

It felt like it would last forever while we were in the middle of it, but looking back it wasn't actually that long. From six months on she gradually got happier and more interactive and she's now happy, chatty and generally lovely.

I also got a more out of the baby stage than I thought I would - it's brilliant to see the little ways in which they progress every day.

I think as long as you don't go in expecting instagrammable happiness at all times you'll just get through the difficult bits and then start enjoying them more.

Some babies also seem to be super laid back - our little nephew has been sleeping and eating well and is generally relaxed. SIL and BIL seem quite cheerful and well rested every time we see them sigh

sparklewater · 16/07/2018 07:59

I never felt really ready, I'm not sure anyone does.

Your work probably means you know more about children than most so are going in with eyes wide open! Not a bad thing. It is totally different with your own though.

I'm still not very good at the new baby stage, but it doesn't last long so don't let that put you off!

Kids are fun. Your own kids are more fun

speakout · 16/07/2018 08:04

I don't think anyone decides on parenthood with full knowledge.

Before you have kids you have no idea what it really means to be a parent.

We all just walk blindfold off the cliff, even when kids are planned, even when we are real;y keen to become a parent.

You don't really know what you are signing up for.

We many have a notion, an idea, things we have heard, seen others become a parent, but that only gives a glimpse of what things are really like.

It's a roller coaster with no end.
It will turn your life upside down.
It will be painful ( and not just the birth)
It will be thrilling.
It will cause you to re evaluate your life.
It will have you on your knees.
It will show you what real love is like.

If you embrace it it will transform you.

slowsloegin · 16/07/2018 08:06

How old are you both?

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/07/2018 08:09

i stayed off contraception and thought if it happened, it was meant to be.*

But... Not being on contraception IS trying for a baby. If you're fertile, of course you will conceive if you stay off contraception and are having sex. I mean, if it helped you deal with the psychological burden of choosing to have them and are glad you did, great, but frankly it worries me to see people ascribing great significance to getting pregnant when they aren't using contraception. Once you start having unprotected sex, you are trying.

AnneElliott · 16/07/2018 08:11

I never really wanted kids, but agreed to come off the pill at 27. DS (now 12) is the result. Best thing I ever did, and in some ways I think I had it easier than friends who were desperate!

As I had no or low expectations so in some ways want a let down when there were tough days. Some of my friends found that really hard, as they'd wanted kids for so long, and the reality was a lot harder than they imagined.

FairyLightFiend · 16/07/2018 08:14

OP - it could be me writing all of your posts!!! You are definitely not alone in feeling like this! I can’t get my head around not having children at some unspecified point in the future, but I also can’t get used to the idea of how much a baby would turn my world upside down!

DryIce · 16/07/2018 08:17

I was in this same position a few years ago; didn't feel the urgefor kids, but were in our 30s and thought it was something we'd want to do eventually. Basically we couldn't imagine being 50 and not having
kids. So we decided to go for it. Got pregnant immediately and were still not sure. I spent most a lot of my pregnancy periodically freaking out about how I'd ruined my life.

Then we had him a year ago, and I can honestly say I haven't regretted it for a second. Turned out it was definitely the right decision for us, and I'm even pregnant again!

The thing is, for everyone like me I bet there's someone who went for it half heartedly and then turned out it was the right decision or the right time. And I don't know how to tell which one you are unless you go for it!

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