To have a baby when I'm not 100% sure

[Khaaan]

DH and I are early 30s, he has wanted to start a family for a while but I've been more unsure, going between yes, no and let's wait awhile. He is now also more on the fence (or says he is because he knows how unsure I've been) and is leaving it up to me to decide. I don't particularly want children right now but also can't imagine never having children, should we just go for it considering it could potentially take us a while to conceive?

I waited till almost 40 and I reached the point where it was a choice between having a baby now or never being able to have one. Ideally I’d have wanted another ten years to be ready. Maybe I’d never have been ready.

Anyway I got pregnant and was hysterical with worry at the seriousness of it all. I had several days while pregnant where I cried because I was afraid that I couldn’t cope. I had several similar days after giving birth. I am definitely not a natural mother. But I LOVE my son more than I could ever have anticipated. I know he won’t be little forever and we’re going to be good friends as he grows up. I still have an occasional wtf! moment but they’re getting less. Despite having struggled to come to terms with motherhood I wouldn’t be without my son for the world, I just love him so much. Can’t say it will be the same for everyone but that’s my experience.

If you're 31 or 32 and unsure, unless you'd want a large family once you're ready then I'd probably give myself a bit more time to make the decision. Six more months isn't likely to have a significant impact on fertility. I will say though, I don't think any human ever has been really ready to have a child! Even the ones who thought they were!

Also if labour is a worry, worth remembering you can have an ELCS. Lots of Trusts are very bad at allowing this but NICE guidance is clear that you should be offered one after appropriate counselling and most women who kick up enough of a fuss seem to get what they want in the end.

If you know you both want children at some point and you are in a good place - health, relationship, financial etc., then why not just do it. It is such a momentous decision that analysing it too much will give you too many reasons not to do it. You both want children, you are in your early 30s. It may not happen straight away. Sometimes you have to just close your eyes, hold your nose and jump off the cliff.

It is a difficult decision to make.

I was desperate for dd1 (had her in my early 30s) which was surprising as I wasn't a maternal person in the slightest. I was much more unsure about having a second. In the end, similar to another pp, I decided I'd probably regret not having a second more than actually having a second and time isn't on my side as much anymore (I'm now mid 30s) we decided to try. I fell pregnant immediately and tbh, I have found this pregnancy difficult to cope with particularly as I have had bad morning sickness and exhaustion. I'm still very ambivalent about the pregnancy and cried this week because I'm starting to show (I know I sound awful). So in one sense I would be reluctant to advise getting pregnant if you're unsure because of how I feel in the same situation.

However, whilst I know plenty of women who have easily conceived in their late 30s/very early 40s, I also know 3 women who have suffered with secondary fertility and have reached the point of resigning themselves to having one child. I'm the only one out of my oldest group of friends to have a child, and 3 of those friends have started trying for a baby over the past year or so and they are all having difficulties either falling pregnant or being able to continue with the pregnancy and, not surprisingly, are getting quite down about it. One friend has confided that she wished she'd starting trying earlier.

The trouble with not thinking you are "someone who never wants children" is that we've spent our lives in a world that believes that people (especially women) who "never want children" are unnatural and uncaring and have something wrong with them.

You think "I'm not unnatural, I'm not uncaring, I don't hate children, therefore I'm not one of those people, therefore I must want children".

It's not at all as obvious as that.

You can quite like children and still not want them to live in your house and be entirely your responsibility.

What would be different if you waited 1,2,5 years? Are there things you want to achieve or experience before having children? If there are concrete things, buying a bigger house, going on a one in a lifetime trip, I'd start planning them now with ttc afterwards as the end goal. If there isn't anything you'd want to change before having babies, I'd get going now. Don't wait to feel ready, you probably never will!

I'm a bit younger than you (20s) but I didn't want kids for a while. I liked them and did want them one day, but not for a good few years.

Just a few months after deciding that, I got pregnant despite using contraception. I was VERY ambivalent about it at first. I wasn't particularly happy. I even briefly considered abortion, but after much thinking and soul searching I decided to continue the pregnancy. I became excited, although I was still terrified of the changes that would come.

I ended up miscarrying. I was far more devastated than I thought I would be, and it wasn't until I lost the pregnancy that I realised how much I really wanted a child.

That was back in April. In late June I found out I was pregnant again, this time with a very much wanted baby. I'm now six weeks gone and over the moon, though I'm still terrified!

Just writing to say that I know the feeling of ambivalence you can have surrounding kids. When I was younger I wasn't sure if ever wanted them. It's certainly a big decision, probably the biggest you'll ever make.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

him letting you decide is a cop out. i wouldnt countenance that. kitchen worktops yes. baby no.

You said you can't imagine never having children, so you definitely want them at some stage, it's just a case of when. Is that correct?

If so, as you're in your 30s, I'd crack on and start trying if I were you. You might get pregnant straight away, but but might find you have fertility issues. Better to find out if you have issues when you're 32 or 33 rather than 37 or 38. If so, you might find the choice is taken out of your hands permanently.

If you’re 100% sure you want children eventually, but aren’t sure when. then that’s one thing. But if you aren’t sure you want one at all then, for the love of God, no, don’t do it, would be my advice! It’s such a huge commitment, financially, emotionally, physically and then oh lord the lack of sleep. If I’d felt persuaded into it by anyone, I’d probably have been livid with them when my newborn just wouldn’t sleep.

Also, the planet is overpopulated. Time to stop coercing people into having dcs they aren’t sure about imo.

There are people who have a child and do regret it - I know two in RL. It's one of those tabboos and it's rarely talked about.

I also know people who had children more because parnter wanted them only for father to fuck off fairly quickly- luckly they'd enjoyed being a parent.

Thankfully I'm not one of them - I was very keen to try but few months into pg I had massive freak out WTF had I done. I found DH who was totally on board very distant. That didn't change till baby was born.

It's been way harder and had more impact that I had forseen - despite that for me it's been the best thing I've ever done.

There's never a perfect time for a baby. If your early 30s you do have some time - closer to 40 the less time.

I though we'd be trying years for pg - I had some menstrual issues that could have been indicators of underlying problems and you heard alot in media about people struggling with fertility - yet 4 months first - first time with second and4/5 months with third. You could be pg much quicker than you think.

Personally I think it would be better to be sure as you can be - but even then you can't be sure what you are getting into - how your body copes with pg and birth and babies temperments will always be unknowns.

Is there anything else "big" in your personal lives that you want to achieve in the next couple of years - career change, big promotion, move house, start a business? If so, do that first.

Do you have a bit put by in savings, life insurance, health insurance? If not, do that first.

Have you sat and talked about how you see things working once a baby is here? Who will look after it, who will bring the money in, or how these tasks will be shared (DON'T fall into the trap of you doing all house, all baby and working part-time)? If your dh expects you to be a SAHM and you want to continue to develop your career, or if you want to stay home and expect him to be the main earner that's worth talking about now. How is money to be shared? If baby is in nursery and gets sick, who'll take a day off and take care of it? Ultimately you won't know how it'll work til the baby is here but it's worth being on the same page now, or at least understand where you have differences.

^^Once you've done all that then think again about how you feel. If you've already done all that then sorry, I have nothing to offer by way of advice.

I was like you, had a baby anyway. Spent about 18 months bitterly regretting my decision - like suicidal at points. Then suddenly it all got better and now he's 3.5 and I'm so happy I did it.

So not sure that helps really!

The baby stage is fine, if you have help. I found that I didn't need any help, my DH worked away from home, but I didn't do much in the first year. Expectations are different theses days. Your First is a shock because of the intensity of everything, including emotions.

Is your DH pulling his weight with the Housework, already? Is he caring towards you when you are ill? Is he willing to financially support you? Will he give up hobbies etc for the first six months, if needed and then fully co-Parent? What is his thoughts about the role of a Father?

You need that sorted out first.

Test your fertility, you may have another five years, or you may not.

Every Woman who naturally carries a baby to term over 40 must be on here, if you believe the stories, because the statics say otherwise.

IVF is available, but even from the outside it doesn't seem an easy option. I've had relatives who've had it.

I was unsure too - not whether I wanted any, but unsure as to timing. It never seemed the right time, had just changed career, moved home etc etc. BUT, I knew I wanted them at some point, and due to EXH's previous history knew it had to be via ICSI IVF (so we would only ever have 3 goes max as couldn't fund it ourselves). So I went with sooner as I knew maternal age could end up being the decider in that particular situation (I was early 30's). I specifically mentioned I was terrified at the thought of multiples - a risk with our IVF as they would transfer 2 embryos at that time. I regarded it as a practice run - the doctors were very "this is just to get the meds dose right". I fell pregnant. With twins.

Was the best thing ever. I discovered I had no issues with body changes (and there were lots!) in pregnancy, I enjoyed it hugely. Birth was CS due to odd lie but was ok - not marvellous but not traumatic, recovery ok (not great, but ok) and i discovered that I really really enjoy babies (I never expected to - was one of those who makes a baby cry by looking at it previously, never wanted to cuddle other people's children etc).

I made a rational choice based on biology, and it turned out to be a great decision on all counts!

Thank you everyone who has replied, too many to @ but it's much appreciated, I've read all the replies a couple of times and I still feel like it's about as clear as mud

I think at some point I am just going to have to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

The thing I thought today was if I was a lesbian and my partner said "Let's have a baby, I'll carry it" I would be all for it, which I suppose sheds a light on which bit I'm most hesitant about!

Carrying the baby and birth are the easy bits!

Its the next 20 years that are tricky.

I would say, don’t try unless you are completely sure it’s what you want.

I know for me when I was approaching 30, it was an overwhelming feeling that I wanted a baby, having not been particularly interested in having children before. I felt nervous too about labour, but I would have done anything to have a baby. (Labour was miles better than I thought it would be too, bonus!)

Being pressured into having a baby, could lead to resentment. Having children can test the strongest relationships.

Good luck OP, but do what’s right for you it’s the biggest decision you will ever make.

Write a list of all the (achievable) things you’d like to do child free. Then spend the next 12 months doing them. Then start trying to conceive when you’re 31. You’ll regret putting it off any longer if you find you have fertility problems and if you want a second then you have to factor that in as well.

My pregnancy was a pile of shit. I loved growing my baby but I felt so awful from 6 weeks to 36 weeks. But I'm still considering doing it all again so it can't be that bad.

Most people don't have the problems I did though and like yogagirl I found labour a lot lot easier than I thought it would be. In fact when the midwife told me the baby was out I told them they must be mistaken as it hadn't hurt anywhere near enough for her to have been born already. I had inhaled an awful lot of gas & air by that point though.

It took 10 years to conceive her though. So what would be worse trying now and conceiving straight away or leaving it and then struggling to conceive for years and possibly requiring treatment (which is being funded less and less)?

Ha! Be very careful with the "it might take us a while" thought. The only reason we started TTC when we did, was this thought. I got pregnant immediately - I had two years in my head.

As soon as I was pregnant I realised how ambivalent I actually was to having a child. I'd always thought I wanted two, but never really considered it properly.

I love my baby, but do frequently wonder whether we did the right thing. My husband was desperate for children however, and if I'd known when we met that I probably didn't want kids, we would never have married - which is a thought that horrifies me!

A baby takes large amounts of money and time. And steals your sleep. And requires a level of selflessness that I sometimes resent. Don't have one while you're ambivalent! There's still plenty of time.

Like everyone has said you don't just need to think about now, it's future children. I was 33 when I fell pregnant with my first. Was terrified as it happened straight away. I thought that wasn't that old but have recently had a second and 2.5 year age gap and I'm 37. If I hadn't fallen pregnant quickly both times and wanted a larger age gap I'd have easily been looking at 40. Which can be a bit of a risk if you want more than one. I know a few people who wanted more than one and couldn't due to age.

I'm not sure that leaving it longer will really change your mind on anything. You'll probably never be 100pc sure you want children or that you don't. As there are pros and cons to having kids and remaining child free so it's often not a straightforward decision at any point in your life. Just make the decision either way before its made for you by biology would be my advice

I remember being told that 80% of couples who have regular unprotected sex wil conceive within 2 years statistically but a number of those pregnancies will be early (or later of course) miscarriages. There's also the 20 percent who don't conceive. You will never be ready so why not start trying without all the pressure of being desperate that leaving it later can bring. Applying too much logic to a natural process might not be that helpful. If you are pregnant straight away then brilliant and if not then you have time on your hands.

Just posting from the other side- it's ok not to have kids. You can still lead a fulfilling life without them.

If you found out you couldn't have children, how would that make you feel?

I have the same desire as you to gather all the data and figure out the right answer logically. You can't do that with this one though, as so much of the upside is impossible to know until you've experienced it yourself.

I wasn't sure I lived my wife, and nearly lost her while I tried to figure that out. I wasn't sure I was ready to have children. But we did, and it's the best thing ever. It could be for you too, if you can allow your heart to overrule the residual uncertainty you will always have in your head.