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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be tell DH that his MIL is selfish?

78 replies

itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 20:09

So I’ve just had an argument with DH as we are in the middle of a miscarriage and MIL is causing a whole load of fuss over how she feels.

When DH told her what was happening she literally made him spell it out dispute it being obviously horrible for both of us and then even though I’d said I wasn’t ready to talk and wanted to go home ASAP she said she needed to talk and she needed hugs from us to calm her down.

She now phones DH and tells him she needs to see him after he finishes work on Monday as she needs to spend time with him and needs to make sure he is ok.

I pointed out that I’ll have been at home looking after our other kids all day by that point and will probably still be in a bad state myself and that I’d appreciate him coming straight home from work. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and I think he is a pushover for his DM and she is a selfish bag.

Am I being unreasonable? I recognise my emotional state isn’t great and my judgement is shot.

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 14/07/2018 21:44

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

I would withdraw from interacting with her for a while.
And every time your husband tells you that you are unreasonable just ask him why her feeling about this are more important then yours.
It's you and your body going through this and you need him around to be there for you and your children.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/07/2018 21:50

She’s beyond selfish and your husband is a twat for pandering to her, his priority should be you.

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 21:52

To those that have said I sound rational, kind, nice. I’m no more those things than anyone else I’m just very susceptible to guilt and I’ve got a lot of anger and bitterness regarding this miscarriage. I'm alternating between being an average parent and being a shit parent right now and and taking it out on my husband too even though he’s also grieving and a very non-confrontational person.

You’re all being very kind and helping me to calm down and stop seething and self doubting over MILs behaviour. I’m writing her off for a while I think.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/07/2018 22:10

I'll go for what Kalinka said.

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2018 22:17

I'm not getting funeral ads OP. It's airlines, holidays, cruises, new luxury apartments for sale, and school name tapes for DC clothes!

TheBigFatMermaid · 14/07/2018 22:31

Unreal that she thinks that you, the person actually having the miscarriage is less important than her. Even more unreal that you partner, the person who is losing the baby too, thinks that it is ok to pander to her, rather than support you. Sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, xx

AtomicSquirrel · 14/07/2018 22:32

Christ, he sounds like a right mummy's boy. Has he always been so easily manipulated by her? This is your loss and you need to be there for each other. She'll get her turn but she must wait.

daughterofanarchy · 14/07/2018 22:39

I’m so so sorry for your loss OP. Your Dh needs to be supporting you (and your other kids) through this awful time. His mum isn’t the one experiencing the Emotional, physical trauma that you are having to endure. I appreciate she may be upset of course but at this point you are the one who needs to be helped and supported.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 15/07/2018 12:30

@itseasybeingcheesy

You know what else is a bit sick?

All the Ads on this thread are now funeral service ads. Probably because the word loss has been used so many times and grief.

I don’t know whether you all see those same ads or if it’s just me? Fucking ads Angry

We're so sorry about this, OP - doesn't sound right at all and we're going to investigate. We'll really need to see some of the ads in order to track them down. Do you remember any names and if you get the opportunity, would you mind sending us some screenshots? You can email them over to [email protected].

Flowers
SparkyTheCat · 15/07/2018 12:52

Flowers OP very sorry for your loss, and re MIL you are not BU at all - my DM's the same. Haven't even told her UI about my own mmc/fertility issues, for same reason. Unfortunately such people rarely grow up and acquire an empathy chip; what you can however do is adjust your expectations of their behaviour and manage accordingly. I find it helpful to keep interactions light and impersonal so there simply is nothing to latch onto. With a bit of luck, they quickly figure out you're a poor source of supply and go looking elsewhere for their drama fix. Would that be workable at all for you in the future? Lots of BrewCake and more Flowers

Wolfpac · 15/07/2018 13:27

Wow! Completely selfish of your MIL. There is no need for her to make this about her! Sorry for your loss xoxo.
What is it with all the threads on MN about MIL's?!?!

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 15/07/2018 15:38

lornaMumsnet thanks for that. I managed to screenshot one and have emailed it over. Can’t remember the names of the others and they haven’t reappeared yet.

Thanks all for the advice and kindness

OP posts:
Nuttyella7 · 15/07/2018 19:16

Sorry to hear about your loss. Your DH sounds like a mummy's boy or he is quite close to mother. Maybe he is the one that needs his mums attention to make him feel ok with what's happened, like how she comforted him as a kid and he felt safe. If he doesn't see what's wrong with what he is doing then you must be able to see where I am going here.
No one is asking you to be of the same view because quite obviously you don't share the same love, bond and emotions they do. It's not nice or easy what's happened to you, but try not to build up too much resentment over this. He was her son before he became your husband, yes priorities change but that kind of love cannot be competed with.

Jlo7 · 15/07/2018 21:02

My MIL is like this, that's why we don't tell her ANYTHING

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 15/07/2018 21:12

I'm RAGING on your behalf. Actually furious. I am sorry for what you are going through, and having been there it IS ALL about you just now and nobody else xxx

cadburyegg · 15/07/2018 21:17

I’m so sorry OP.

I had a miscarriage last year. It was a bit traumatic - I was in and out of hospital and the doctors for a few weeks due to complications. One night I had to go to A&E - I was told by the ward staff to do so immediately and not to go by myself as they were worried about internal bleeding. Our toddler DS was asleep in bed and so DH asked MIL to come over to sit with him so he could take me to hospital. She totally flipped her shit and told us that we just had to “get on with it” and couldn’t possibly help as she had to go to the doctors the next day herself, because she was ill with a cold. I ended up being admitted overnight and mil spent all the next day telling DH about the antibiotics she was given. She made the situation all about her, posting memes on Facebook along the lines of “no one cares about me” “I’m totally alone” etc etc. She had a miscarriage herself and kept telling DH that she just had to get on with it and wasn’t lucky enough to have her husband at the hospital with her. On the day of the miscarriage DH told her that he had run me a nice hot bath and her reply was along the lines of how jealous she was of me. The whole thing went on so long I got an infection. She came to visit that week and all she said to me was “oh you alright now then?” As if I was recovering from a cold or something. She couldn’t understand the fact that I was ILL! I had been off work for several weeks by then.

Flowers for you. Sorry for my above moan, but I do understand. It’s a distant memory now but I haven’t forgotten it as you’ve probably gathered. The only thing I gained comfort from is that despite my awful experience she clearly has more problems than I do if she can’t be empathetic or helpful in what was an emergency/family bereavement.

SoozC · 15/07/2018 22:00

Sorry for your loss OP. I had a mc last autumn, it is harder than people think until they go through it themselves.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare - her needs do NOT outweigh yours here. She is being awful. I hope you can grieve in peace and I know it sounds hollow now but it does get better, honest. Take care Flowers

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 17/07/2018 21:17

Hope you're doing ok - thinking of you. X

UndertheCedartree · 17/07/2018 21:25

So sorry about your baby Flowers
YANBU atall. Take care and look after yourself

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 18/07/2018 14:51

Thanks ladies for the kind words and thinking of me.

I’ve avoided MIL completely and just hid indoors since Saturday really.

Still ongoing with m/c I honestly thought it would be over quicker and I’m shocked by how long it’s taking and how much there has been to lose.

OP posts:
Bathtimebliss · 18/07/2018 16:43

I’m sorry for what you are going through OP completely insensitive of your mil ...
I was in the same position once ... I had a Missed Miscarriage and had to have a d and c as nothing was happening naturally at 12 weeks , just so happened the day after my mil was moving ... she kicked up a right stink that my dp chose to stay with me and look after myself and my other 2 young children ... apparently I was fine as “ it happens to women everyday” !
We have since gone NC due to many other awful situations.

Rest up and take care of yourself , do not blame yourself either .

RochelleGoyle · 18/07/2018 17:33

YANBU at all OP! I'd be bloody fuming if I were in your position. Does h Ed honestly think that mummy is more fever ing of his attention than you?! I wouldn't be letting this go until he'd made it very clear that he understood the error of his ways. Unbelievable!!

Lizzie48 · 18/07/2018 17:52

I'm so sorry, @itseasybeingcheesy that's an awful thing to have been through. ThanksThanks

Your MIL is a very self absorbed individual making it all about her. My DM is like that. Since DSis and I told her about the SA we suffered as children at the hands of our F. She cries whenever the past is mentioned and has asked me not to talk about it so as not to ruin her time with her grandchildren.

Some people are unable to see how self centred they are.

summerloving33 · 18/07/2018 18:02

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP and I totally hear you on the MIL. We had similar on one of our losses, we happened to be living with her at the time and her reaction to our loss was annoyance because we were pregnant and hadn't told her. She then proceeded to get drunk and give me and earful on being more careful in future. The next day I applied for a mortgage with DH. I cannot believe she expects your husband to go over to mind her when you're the one that needs minding. I love the PP suggestion asking her to come over so you can go on a date night even if it's just down to the local takeaway or for a drive. I found that helped take my mind off what was happening

Omzlas · 18/07/2018 18:48

So sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you

If all you've called her is 'selfish' or similar, I take my hat off to you

She's a cockwomble of the highest order and I would have called her FAR worse, to her selfish fucking face

Hugs OP, be kind to yourself