Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be tell DH that his MIL is selfish?

78 replies

itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 20:09

So I’ve just had an argument with DH as we are in the middle of a miscarriage and MIL is causing a whole load of fuss over how she feels.

When DH told her what was happening she literally made him spell it out dispute it being obviously horrible for both of us and then even though I’d said I wasn’t ready to talk and wanted to go home ASAP she said she needed to talk and she needed hugs from us to calm her down.

She now phones DH and tells him she needs to see him after he finishes work on Monday as she needs to spend time with him and needs to make sure he is ok.

I pointed out that I’ll have been at home looking after our other kids all day by that point and will probably still be in a bad state myself and that I’d appreciate him coming straight home from work. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and I think he is a pushover for his DM and she is a selfish bag.

Am I being unreasonable? I recognise my emotional state isn’t great and my judgement is shot.

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 14/07/2018 20:42

I wouldn't be able to forgive dh if he put comforting his mum before comforting me in such a horrendous situation. You so obviously need him more. She is being unbelievably selfish, and he needs to unquestioningly put you first here.

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 20:44

GreatDuck good advice on the bath to calm down front I’ll be doing just that.

I Just spoke with him again and he says he’ll just go over a bit earlier when he drops the kids off with her at the end of the week to see her for a bit then. I’m honestly just shocked at the level of insensitivity. My own mother who is not known for her tact has recognised that it’s best to back off and give us some space for a while.

I don’t think I’ll contact MIL directly as she may well start to cry (standard reaction to many things) and then I’ll feel like a shit and it’ll all get worse.

OP posts:
MentalUnload · 14/07/2018 20:54

Invite her over to babysit while you go on a date night. Then she can be sure DH is well and you both get a breather.

haribosmarties · 14/07/2018 20:57

wow shes actually insane!

Im so sorry for your loss Flowers

show your husband this thread and hopefully he will realise his mother is being truly batshit and any reasonable woman and indeed man, anywhere would not be happy with this and label her as selfish

Inertia · 14/07/2018 20:59

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your hormones are absolutely not to blame for your reaction- I'd say you were being overly restrained, under the circumstances.

It's unreasonable to simply call your MIL selfish- it takes a very carefully crafted kind of utterly self-centred narcissism to make your miscarriage all about herself. I'm astonished by the spectacular lack of any kind of empathy or tact- you're going through a traumatic event, yet she demands you hug her to make her feel better?

Your husband really does need to get his priorities right here. You absolutely need his support. MIL's feelings should be a very long way down his list of priorities.

InfiniteVariety · 14/07/2018 21:01

Your MIL sounds hideously self-centred but your DH sounds incapable of being firm with her - he needs to say "No, I'll be going straight home after work on Monday to help out at home, emotionally & practically".

TheSkyAtNight · 14/07/2018 21:04

She's a selfish piece of work. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Qcumber · 14/07/2018 21:07

@ethylred how completely disgusting. What 'other side' could there possibly be to this story. Do you think there is any situation where a woman who has just suffered a miscarriage should not be her husband's priority. And trying to pick apart her post as well. You are a vile person.
OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Obviously you're not being unreasonable in wanting your husband with you at this time. I'd back off from (ignore) MIL and concentrate on yourself. Take it easy x

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2018 21:10

I think that's horrible. I know I'd be upset and sad at the loss of potential grandchild because of miscarriage, but my grief would be nothing, NOTHING, compared to the grief of my son and DiL. And I certainly wouldn't expect my son to comfort me at the expense of his wife!!! In fact, I'd see my 'job' as providing whatever I could to comfort her myself! And that would include leaving them in peace.

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 21:14

inertia you’re right the hugging thing was creepy and awkward. I’m not a touchy person and I was trying hard not to be upset in front of my children before we told them the news privately and her words were “can I have a hug? Oh come on cheesy please I need it” which of course made me feel like a prick and I hugged her even though I just wanted to get home and cry in the shower.

And DH needs to learn to stand up to her certainly. It’s not been as much of a problem recently as it was at the start of our marriage so I had kind of thought we were past that stage.

I don’t spend that much time with MIL due to the way my shifts work out but I’ll be avoiding time together for a while I think.

OP posts:
IntercontinentalButtCrack · 14/07/2018 21:15

Oh lawks, definitely don't contact her yourself. Stay well clear, look after yourself and your kids and dh first. Your emotional wellbeing trumps hers on this occasion.

I get it. I had a grief hijacker parent. It's grim as fuck. I also have a partner who recognises the unreasonable behaviour but complies with it anyway. Very annoying and frustrating.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2018 21:16

I’m so sorry. Your dh is being an arse. It really is all about you. She needs to butt out. Idk if your fil is around. But even so she should be taking strength from other family members or friends. Not her son.

IntercontinentalButtCrack · 14/07/2018 21:16

She needs to see that circle of support thing, where you support inwards and dump outwards. For this one, you are in the middle, and she in not.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 14/07/2018 21:17

So sorry for your loss op Flowers I actually can't believe anyone would make someone else's miscarriage about themselves? That's beyond selfish, she's being nasty, manipulative and narcissistic.

Your DH is being a total dick, he needs to put you and your well-being in front of his mothers fake feelings. It's your miscarriage, not MIL, you who will need both the practical and emotional support from your DH. If he can't put you first in this situation when on earth can he? He knows his mother is not feeling an ounce of what you are, he knows she is being manipulative but he choses to put her above you.

katmarie · 14/07/2018 21:17

I'd be avoiding her like the plague. Going back to your original AIBU, given what you're going through there'snot really anything you could do that would be considered unreasonableright now. Telling your husband that you need his support more than your MIL does right now, is positively rational compared to some of the things you could quite reasonably be demanding right now.

Take care of yourelf, and I'm truly sorry for your loss. It's shit, it really is :( x

Willow2017 · 14/07/2018 21:18

Tell your dh and your mil when she has a mc then she can ask for comfort till then she can sod off.
Cant believe you and dp are actually giving her the time of day over this.

Your dp needs to tell her it stops now and you are both going to comfort each other at home alone. He will let her know how you are both doing when it suits you both.

So sorry for your loss.

LeighaJ · 14/07/2018 21:20

You should be your husband's priority right now. They are both being selfish!

Original poster
itseasybeingcheesy · 14/07/2018 21:26

You know what else is a bit sick?

All the Ads on this thread are now funeral service ads. Probably because the word loss has been used so many times and grief.

I don’t know whether you all see those same ads or if it’s just me? Fucking ads Angry

OP posts:
Topseyt · 14/07/2018 21:32

Your MIL is a self absorbed twat and your DH is an arse for pandering to her.

When I had a miscarriage I would have been furious if my DH had prioritised comforting his mother over me. It wouldn't have happened though, as neither were that stupid.

Topseyt · 14/07/2018 21:34

I should have added there that I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

Flowers for you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/07/2018 21:35

I'm so sorry OP

Only a selfish self-centred person could make someone else's miscarriage about them and their needs. You need him there for emotional and practical support. I think you've been very restrained!

Qcumber · 14/07/2018 21:37

Fuck targeted ads OP :( x

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2018 21:39

You must be such a nice person op. I can’t imagine feeling like a shit because someone like that cried. You should probably think you’ve said the wrong thing and been a doormat if she DOESNT cry.

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2018 21:39

She thinks it's all about her

Anon12345ABC · 14/07/2018 21:43

I don't think I would have been able to restrain myself from telling her to sod right off at her ridiculous reaction. This isn't happening to her. She gets no right to claim any sort of grief from it. Your DH needs to grow a pair and support you, the one its actually happening to. Your twat of a MIL needs zero support here. I wouldn't have hugged her either. What a twat she is.

Sorry for your loss.