Teenager alcoholic

[KittyVonCatsworth]

My DSD is 18, lives with her mum half the time stays with me and my STBXH the other half. STBXH and XW had a very unpleasant split about 8 years ago and DSD has been drinking since (yep, age 10).

This has progressively got worse over the years and she now drinks a minimum of 8 cans and 2 bottles of wine a day. It is the first thing she does in the morning.

We’ve had lots of issues with drugs, men (not boys), missing for days etc since she was 13.

Last week she arrived at ours unexpectedly after a row with her mum. I’ve kept her busy so she’s not drinking as much, talked to her and spent all my time with her. Yesterday I asked her just to have 1 bottle of wine which she did. I went up to bed about 11pm. About 2am I hear her rattling about in her room and her on the phone. My STBXH was in the room next to me but he normally doesn’t hear a thing once he’s asleep. It transpires that she’s creeping out of the house. I didn’t intervene at this point as it’s not my place and I don’t want to ruin our relationship. I hear her coming back 20 minutes later anyway so I went back to sleep.

I wake at 9 this morning thinking she was in bed. Her dad and I are in the kitchen and she walks through the door absolutely hammered, covered in grass, lost (v expensive) handbag clutching a bottle of vodka. She’s absolutely out of it just not with it at all. Doesn’t know where she’s been or who with or won’t tell us. I’ve packed her off to bed to sleep it off as my in laws are due back in a few hours.

What on earth can I do to stop her? I’m so terrified that this beautiful, kind, smart girl is going to end up dead, raped or on the streets very soon. She’s 18. She knows she’s an alcoholic and we’ve made countless appointment with the doctor and she doesn’t go. I don’t know what else we can do 😢

She needs to go to the appointments. I know she's an adult but if she won't do the adult thing, someone can drive her there and take her into the doctor's room.

And OP x This must be an incredibly stressful time for you.

Oh gosh OP, what a sad situation, I don't really have any advice but could somebody like AA or similar give you any help/advice?

Thanks rose. My STBXH has tried once to physically carry her out to one appointment and she screamed the house down and was fighting to get him off her, which I kind of understand. She then just disappears for days afterwards and breaks contact with us.

I’m just at a loss. I love her as she’s my own but don’t have the right to treat her if she was mine iyswim. Selfishly, we’re the only constant she has; her mum has some MH issues and they’re volatile when they’ve been drinking and we can’t tell her about mine and her dad’s split just yet as I think it will send her totally off. It just seems a helpless situation for her with only one outcome and she’s so much more than this.

What an awful situation, poor girl.

Would she be willing to have some counselling? May sound terrible but if she’s been running off and getting drunk since age ten then I highly doubt she hasn’t already been raped.

I mean, maybe don’t make alcohol the focus of the appointment, but rather her unhappiness.

We tried counselling when she was 15 and on meow meow(?), she went to one session and refused to go to anymore. I don’t think AA will be something she’d go along with. I’m so angry at ourselves as we should’ve done more when she was still, legally, a child but she’s so stubborn and any sign of intervention she was off, gone. Now she’s an adult we have even less to no control.

How has she got to this stage? Why has no one been parenting her?

I know she’s an adult now but how the fuck does a ten year old, even a 14yo etc have the freedom and wherewithal to drink like that?

If she really is drinking two bottles of wine and 8 cans a day she will die. She needs residential rehab and I am absolutely appalled that there hasn’t been an intervention by social services before now.

Fission, that’s what I think too. She’s certainly got into states that she can’t consent anyway. She does tell me about the lads she’s been with, she’s currently seeing a 42 year old who just calls and texts for sex. He called day before esterday and we had a chat about how he was treating her and she turned him down. Stupidly I thought I’d got through to her that she deserved better than that.

I do think there’s underlying depression there and she’s told me she’s anxious. She’s in bed just now and I don’t know if noes the time to speak to her. Normally I avoid conversation with her when she’s drunk as she lashes out but I don’t think I e got anything to lose now.

I’m afraid I have to agree with TokenBritPoshOfCourse. It shouldn’t have got to this point but that’s stating the obvious isn’t it? How does she afford all this alcohol? My understanding is that people have to want to change don’t they. I don’t know anything about rehabilitation facilities in the UK (cost, ease of access etc) but this seems like a sensible option. However, getting her there and keeping her there might be a different story. I hope someone comes along soon with some sound advice. Good luck OP, what a devastating situation.

That’s been a massive problem, the lack of parenting. Her DM is an alcoholic and DSD and her have drank together since she was 12. My STBXH has worked away since he left the DM only returning to where we live 3 years ago, this is when we started joint custody. He’s buried his head most of the time, tried to tell me she didn’t have a problem when it’s been clear for the past 3 years there is and actually bought her drink (4 cans or so) in the hope that it controls it. He also thinks that coming off it cold turkey will damage her??! Like that amount isn’t already!

I contacted a rehab about 60 miles away a couple of years ago, it was going to cost about £16k which was doable at the time but STBXH didn’t want to send her there as a) it would be a waste of money if it didn’t work b) if she ran away it’s miles from home.

SS were involved briefly due to no school attendance but it didn’t go further.

I know she’s an adult now but how the fuck does a ten year old, even a 14yo etc have the freedom and wherewithal to drink like that?

If a child wants to escape the family home then they will usually find a way. Alcohol has probably been given to her/ bought for her by adult males.

Oh sweetheart x
I was in that place (age 10-21) and when I fell pregnant I went cold turkey and haven’t touched drugs or drink since. They were dark times and I didn’t have anyone, I felt very isolated so the attention and being the party girl filled the void.
I would have loved to have someone like you back then.
Obviously everyone is different but I’d sit down with her, tell her you love her and you and her dad splitting up isn’t going to effect your relationship with her.
Ask her why she does it? Where’s does she see herself in the future? What does she want from life? Suggest she stays with you for a while and go cold turkey, lots of distractions and in a place with no access to alcohol or drugs. Or reduce the amount over time and the money saved to go towards something she wants.

I can't help but think it sounds like there's been some grooming going on here op.

I don't really have a solution for you but it must be an incredibly difficult situation. Do you have other children in the house?

For your own relief get yourself to a relative of alcoholics support group. It will help you to talk to others in the same situation and realise that some of the things you do to help are actually making it worse (obv unintentionally) I've been where you are, albeit with a grown up relative, and the groups are a lifesaver

Do you have the same GP as her? If so, then a conversation with them may be a starting point. Alternatively can you give a rough idea of where you are? There may be specific services which could be of more use.

Drinking that amount, she will probably do better with a supervised withdrawal of some sort rather than cold turkey.
It’s worth remembering that having drunk from such a young age, she will have very little wherewithal in terms of framing ‘normal’ reactions to life without alcohol. What she has learned is that the reaction to anything - good, bad, happy, scary, sad - is to go and get shitfaced.

She may well have learned this from her mum, and it may well have been mum who gave her her first drinks.

It’s unfortunate that this wasn’t addressed earlier, but it’s not insurmountable. She will do better if she wants to do it, and it may take several attempts.

@ TokenBrit, I think you have led a very sheltered life. There’s a limit to how helpful it is to berate the op for past omissions, they’re trying to find a way forward.

Greenyoga, there’s a general apathy to life with her. When I’ve asked her it’s ‘because I’m bored’ and what she sees for her future she’s just like ‘dunno, living on the dole as an alky’ so there’s a huge awareness of where’s it heading.

We had a pregnancy scare last week. When she told me it was 2 months since her last period we discussed what she’d do and she said she’d abort because she couldn’t have a baby as an alcoholic. Thankfully she came on later that day.

We tried reducing it and what she saved I went halves with her for a pair of expensive sunglasses that she wanted. But it just goes back to how it was in a ‘fuck it’ way. She goes back to her mum’s and gets back on it. I’m not blaming her mum, she had to raise DSD for a few years pretty single handed when STBXH was working away.

I think I might try Al-Anon just to get some perspective and suggestions but it’s just so helpless and frustrating. I feel I can’t leave just now as STBXH attitude is to stick his head in the sand, let it build up and then he’ll explode (one of the reasons why we’re splitting). If I moved away I just think contact will be lost, from her. We couldn’t even get her to visit us when we were 20 miles away.

Thanks everyone xx

I wasn’t trying to berate the Op, sorry if it came across that way. It just sounds like her ex and his ex are an absolute clusterfuck. It’s a horrible situation.

I really haven’t had a sheltered life, I was actually in this girls situation although I was late teens, and it really was down to poor parenting, so it touched a nerve.

Sorry @Token, as soon as I posted I started thinking about apologising.

There are more kids in this girl’s position than people realise. Starting drinking at ten or so, often first given alcohol by a family member, whilst perhaps not common, isn’t really rare.
It’s so damaging and alcoholism is such a hard thing to tackle. I think sometimes it’s worse in young people as their bodies are stronger and they still feel invincible,

So she was sexually abused by adult men at the age of 13?

Hmm no wonder she’s seeking solace at the bottom of a bottle.

No, please don’t apologise, I didn’t take offence ❤️

I agree, the parenting has been toxic at best. They’re 2 people who shouldn’t have got together let alone have a child together.

We were talking about her mum and dad’s split last week and she has this massive feeling of abandonment from her dad after the split - he worked away afterwards. There’s a lot of anger in her towards her mum and dad. I think because they were so involved in destroying each other she’s felt torn and a little bit lost. I believe the amount of boys and men she’s been with has been to replace what should’ve been her parents love and attention and also looking for a father figure.

I sympathise with her so much because I could’ve gone down a similar path, I was so close but like greenyogagirl I had a child early in live which turned my life around. So I do kind of get it but I was lucky. I don’t know how to help ‘fix’ her.

@cold - you’ve hit it on the head with the emotions. Happy, sad, scared, excited, nervous every emotion is a reason to drink. It’s like she’s hiding from feeling anything. Then she feels guilty that she’s let everyone down and anxious about what she’s done and depressed when she has to take another drink to stop the shakes, pain and sweats in the morning.

I’ve been to our GP and they’ve asked if we can get her to see him, which we’ve tried. I’m going to let her have a couple more hours kip and take her up some lucozade and a bacon sandwich and try and have a heart to heart with her.

if shes drinking that much /day the chances are shes alcohol dependent and coming off alcohol cold turkey could be dangerous , she needs to detox with medical advice and can be given medication;[if needed] to combat the withdrawel symptons but she really needs to see the Gp

If she's really drinking at that level for a sustained period then she needs to be detoxed medically as she is physically dependent on alcohol . It could be extremely dangerous for her to go 'cold turkey'.

She has to want to engage with alcohol services. If she doesn't, there is nothing anyone can do.

Poor girl

OP, I would say that you sound like the one sensible, reliable adult in her life. Almost without doubt, other than death, all the other fears you have for her will already have happened.

You have little power other than to be there for her in any way you can. Write to her, maybe and say you want to be there and will help any way you can? You can try to persuade her to see her doctor and offer to help her with the appointment. She also urgently needs an STI check.

Get support for yourself because it sounds like a situation that could end up very sadly. I feel for you so much. Poor girl.

@matilda, thank you...don’t misunderstand me, we can have our spats too! She’s bloody messy and I can nag her, she thinks I’m embarrassing when I go out to Tesco looking like a tramp so it’s not all lovey dovey!

We did an STI check a few months back when she had to get Day survey to remove a rancid condom that had got lost in her. She was so drunk when she had sex that she didn’t realise the lad had one on and it had come off. It was only when she started getting chronic pelvic pain that she allowed a doctor to go near her. I know that she has unprotected sex normally. It’s like she’s on borrowed time.

I like the idea of writing her a letter though. I can be clumsy with words and she can be defensive, which anyone would be I suppose but writing it down will allow me to word it and her digest it without confrontation. Thank you xx