Teenager alcoholic

[KittyVonCatsworth]

My DSD is 18, lives with her mum half the time stays with me and my STBXH the other half. STBXH and XW had a very unpleasant split about 8 years ago and DSD has been drinking since (yep, age 10).

This has progressively got worse over the years and she now drinks a minimum of 8 cans and 2 bottles of wine a day. It is the first thing she does in the morning.

We’ve had lots of issues with drugs, men (not boys), missing for days etc since she was 13.

Last week she arrived at ours unexpectedly after a row with her mum. I’ve kept her busy so she’s not drinking as much, talked to her and spent all my time with her. Yesterday I asked her just to have 1 bottle of wine which she did. I went up to bed about 11pm. About 2am I hear her rattling about in her room and her on the phone. My STBXH was in the room next to me but he normally doesn’t hear a thing once he’s asleep. It transpires that she’s creeping out of the house. I didn’t intervene at this point as it’s not my place and I don’t want to ruin our relationship. I hear her coming back 20 minutes later anyway so I went back to sleep.

I wake at 9 this morning thinking she was in bed. Her dad and I are in the kitchen and she walks through the door absolutely hammered, covered in grass, lost (v expensive) handbag clutching a bottle of vodka. She’s absolutely out of it just not with it at all. Doesn’t know where she’s been or who with or won’t tell us. I’ve packed her off to bed to sleep it off as my in laws are due back in a few hours.

What on earth can I do to stop her? I’m so terrified that this beautiful, kind, smart girl is going to end up dead, raped or on the streets very soon. She’s 18. She knows she’s an alcoholic and we’ve made countless appointment with the doctor and she doesn’t go. I don’t know what else we can do 😢

OP I can only tell you my experience. My DM is a recovering alcoholic but she got to the point where she was told that she had weeks to live and she had to stop, if not it would kill her.

She had to do it in hospital because she was also told coming off cold turkey could kill her so I wouldn't do that with your DSD, if she wants help get medical help.

Also and this is the big thing, she has to want to do it. My DM was in and out of rehab but she didn't want to do it, she was only doing it to shut people up. She knew she was an alcoholic and she didn't care. Your DSD has to want to come off the alcohol.

My DM was depressed and that's why she was drinking, she'd suffered massive trauma and that's how she coped. Your DSD is obviously struggling with something and if you can get to the bottom of that, maybe you can start dealing with the alcoholism.

Thanks for sharing your story @what it’s frustrating that they see it but seem to be powerless to stop it doesn’t it? I hope your mum came out the other end

I’m not alone trying to deal with this, my MiL and SiL are also really helpful and have done a lot to help and support her. Sometimes their approaches are a little odd and I’ve been poo pooed when I’ve suggested depression, they’d rather land it all at her DM door which is unfair. They have been great but as a step parent they have the trump card. I have to do things stealthly iyswim.

Where’s her money coming from? I think I’d take a tough love stance a stop all funding for anything until she sought help. I’d also make sure I had no alcohol in the house at all. It must be a nightmare.

We don’t keep alcohol in the house now. She found what she thought was alcohol and it was grenadine! She’s on JSA so gets about £60 a week I think paid fortnightly. She got paid it yesterday. She’s lost her bag with her passport and card in it so she won’t have immediate access to her money, if they’ll be any left anyway.

A long time ago I had a brief fling with a teenage alcoholic, to my shame I was no place to help her. My feeling was she was desperate for someone to tell her it could get better and she could change. A little bit of hope went a long way. She had a very real problem being on her own, the situation you describe where she was moving about through the night brought it all back. Even an hour or so would have her drinking herself into a stupor, even though it make her throw up blood.
Can you be really honest with her? Your relationship with her dad is over but your relationship with her is forever. Your scared for her and will do anything to help. I don’t know how much you can commit but if she’s anything like this girl she’s desperate for something solid in her life. Can you both camp out in the living room for a while so if she feels lonely your there? Alcohol is an escape and her parents have been ignoring it and her.
It’s an awful thing to watch.

@phlewf yes, that’s it. She hates being alone. I’ve spent many nights cuddled up on the bed with her when she’s been in tears and when she’s asleep to make sure she doesn’t choke on her vomit.

Even 30 minutes she can do a lot of damage. We went on holiday and left her in the hotel whilst I picked up my DD from the airport, when we got back literally 30 minutes later she was at the bar, absolutely hammered being leched over by one of the locals. It’s just fucking heartbreaking.

My feeling was she basically had the emotions of a child, and you’re right, fucking terrifying. I have guilt about not helping but I was in a bad place and would have dragged us both down.
I wish I had any practical suggestions.

@phewlf hope you’re in a better place now. Thank you xx

There's a documentary by director Carol Morley about her experiences as a teenage alcoholic (also promiscuous). It's called The Alcohol Years. It's arty rather than info-driven and far from definitive, may be no use, but thinking of it I wonder if there's something creative that could offer a lifeline to your DSD. A way to channel and express what's going on on her that will make life less "boring" and give her a healthier addiction, like Carol with her art/filmmaking. On one level your DSD is an alcoholic and all the usual rules apply, that no one can really help her until she wants to change etc. On the other hand, she was a young child when this began and still is very young. She's seen so little of what the world has to offer and had her choices severely compromised by her mother's influence. While horrible and shocking, it feels like there's more hope for her than someone later in life if she can get the right help. incredibly hard though I know.

Are you able to tell us if mum drinks as well

Thanks pinkdelight, I’ll definitely have a look at that with her...it definitely beats bloody Love Island! I can’t blame just her mum, her health and MH are seriously compromised. She’s very toxic to DSD, the relationship is very turbulent; either best drinking friends or sworn enemies. Her DM sister and the grandmother also gang up against her and can be very vitriolic towards her. The only one from that side of the family that had her back was her grandfather and he died a couple of months back, so there’s grief that she hasn’t dealt with properly either.

If I could just take her away to an isolated place and hide her away from life I would.

Again, I have no idea what I’m talking about but ask her if that’s what she wants (to be taken away from it all). Ok you’re a step mum but she’s 18 she gets to choose. I’m just massively projecting the girl I knew but she was desperate to taken away from it all.
Definitely definitely needs professional help but someone bloody caring and saying out loud that they are worried she’s going to drink herself to death is important too.
My friends parents rushed her to hospital because she was throwing up blood. The drs told them that she have destroyed her stomach with alcohol, her intestines were stripped and any more alcohol she drank was literally burning her organs. Nice middle class family gave her 2 weeks of school and let her go off to university checking in once a week. It was surreal to me. This thread has reminded me so much of her but I darent look her up for fear of what I’ll find.

As difficult as it is, you're enabling her. As so many families of people with alcohol and drug problems do. I've had it done to me when I had similar problems and I've done it myself for family members and loved ones.

As an addict we generally know how it is and the damage we're doing to ourselves but as long as there are loved ones pretending it's not that bad (and it's a slow process to get to that) and bringing us bacon sandwiches and Lucozade and lovely chats and ignoring our intoxicated behaviour; we won't change.

It's an illness. 100%. It causes changes to the brain and personality. As with most MH problems it is selfish, we are selfish but suffering and react defensively to people pointing out the damage we do to ourselves and others.

So supporting us just seems like supporting extremely dysfunctional behaviour.

You can love and support without letting her come in and out of your home and provide hangover cures.

Addiction is so complex but insight doesn't develop when other people around you seem to minimise it. The idea of taking her away to an island is going against any successful addiction treatment where the addict needs to be able to address their addiction in a normal environment.

Removing them to a situation where the substance isn't available is just removing the substance and not the addictive behaviour/brain changes.

Please don't do anything like cold turkey, it's very dangerous and the amount she's drinking it could literally kill her.
She needs to see a doctor.
If she's got no money at the moment how is she going to get drinks? She is going to need them, she can't just stop drinking that amount.
Sorry you're in this situation op, I've dealt with addicts myself and it's a horrible place to be, helping becomes enabling but doing nothing doesnt help either.

They still do an aversion therapies nowadays, but obviously not as horrific as decades ago.
I think it's a pill for alcoholics which makes them vomit basically as soon as they drink. Apparently it is quite a good help when stopping.
But I would assume that must be prescribed and controlled by a doctor.
Maybe speak to your gp about the whole situation. They know where and who you should talk to and see what's available where.

I know this will sound horrible, but... Can you get her sectioned? She would get help she needs

@Ilikelotsofthinngs

I second that. Know a person who went cold turkey and his organs started shutting down from shock

There are tablets you can take that make you sick to take alcohol and that included any alcohol so things like mouthwash, anything with alcohol in have to be avoided.
She would need to be engaging with services to be prescribed them.
They were offered to the alcoholic I was involved with. He was also offered residential detox. So help is available depending on area and of course she needs to want the help.
In my area that also offered acupuncture in the ears. To help relieve the symptoms of withdrawal.

@KittyVonCatsworth it has done except she had gone to far with her body and now has many health conditions that they have to try and manage and she will die early.

You are in such a tough position and there really isn't much people can do unless she wants to do it for herself but you can be there, I really do think she should see someone for depression/anxiety. It can't do any harm.

Landing it at her DM's door isn't doing anything though, whether it her fault or not that doesn't matter now. Your DSD needs help and you know that, which is why it's horrible for you because you 'are just the step parent'.

@Ilikelotsofthinngs the tablets are effective but rely on people taking them and not skipping a dose for a drinking binge. The sooner those meds are available as an implant, the better

Thanks everyone. @garethSouthgateWould yeah, I see what you’re saying about the enabling.

She’s up now, my STBXH had a go at her and while she was out having a cigarette he went up and tipped the rest of her gin down the sink. They had a massive row and he stormed upstairs and not been seen since 🙄

We’ve had yet another talk. I’ve asked her about going to the doctors and she’s refusing. Talked about AA, even less impressed. She wonders why everyone just doesn’t ‘chill the fuck out’ and says she’s not that bad. I did explain that having a drink first thing in the morning every morning isn’t normal. She then got upset saying that she was texting her best friend last night and he said the only reason he doesn’t mess around with her anymore is because of her drinking. I think it’s slowly dawning on her.

Disulifram (the drug that can make you ill if you drink) is only prescribed in specific circumstances and after a medical detox.

Most drugs and alcohol Psychiatrists don't like it because it doesn't address any of the addiction and therefore compliance is poor It also doesn't cause the anti-alcohol reaction in everyone.

And you can't section anyone for addiction. The MHA is quite clear about that.

Might it be worth her dad writing a letter to her gp, hopefully with your input, so he/ knows the score before she goes in?

💐💐💐op.

Op, you are lovely. You’ve got a tough job on your hands.
She’s lucky to have you.

@garethsouthgatewould I did ask the GP about having her sectioned a couple of years ago because she was a danger to herself and he said that it wouldn’t be considered under the MHA and once they realised that it was alcohol dependency they’d withdraw help.

I asked DSD if she would go on that tablet and she confirmed exactly what you’ve said, based on one of her friends, and said it had to be terribly bad and as a last resort before they’d prescribe it.

I’ve just kicked her dad out from his room to go spend some time with her.

@fieryginger I’ve spoken to her GP (who’s mine too) and they need to see her, which is something she won’t do.

God, I sound so negative, sorry everyone xx

@littlechocola, thank you lovely but I’m far from being a saint...I get just as pissed off with her laziness, frustrated with her drinking and we can and do have our moments of fieryness!