Teenager alcoholic

[KittyVonCatsworth]

My DSD is 18, lives with her mum half the time stays with me and my STBXH the other half. STBXH and XW had a very unpleasant split about 8 years ago and DSD has been drinking since (yep, age 10).

This has progressively got worse over the years and she now drinks a minimum of 8 cans and 2 bottles of wine a day. It is the first thing she does in the morning.

We’ve had lots of issues with drugs, men (not boys), missing for days etc since she was 13.

Last week she arrived at ours unexpectedly after a row with her mum. I’ve kept her busy so she’s not drinking as much, talked to her and spent all my time with her. Yesterday I asked her just to have 1 bottle of wine which she did. I went up to bed about 11pm. About 2am I hear her rattling about in her room and her on the phone. My STBXH was in the room next to me but he normally doesn’t hear a thing once he’s asleep. It transpires that she’s creeping out of the house. I didn’t intervene at this point as it’s not my place and I don’t want to ruin our relationship. I hear her coming back 20 minutes later anyway so I went back to sleep.

I wake at 9 this morning thinking she was in bed. Her dad and I are in the kitchen and she walks through the door absolutely hammered, covered in grass, lost (v expensive) handbag clutching a bottle of vodka. She’s absolutely out of it just not with it at all. Doesn’t know where she’s been or who with or won’t tell us. I’ve packed her off to bed to sleep it off as my in laws are due back in a few hours.

What on earth can I do to stop her? I’m so terrified that this beautiful, kind, smart girl is going to end up dead, raped or on the streets very soon. She’s 18. She knows she’s an alcoholic and we’ve made countless appointment with the doctor and she doesn’t go. I don’t know what else we can do 😢

She also needs an implant or coil or else you’re adding a baby with foetal alcohol syndrome to the mix this time next year.

You're not being negative, you're being realistic. No she can't be sectioned and Disulifram couldn't be prescribed unless she wanted it to be after a medical detox and even then it doesn't 'work' for everyone.

Most drugs and alcohol Psychiatrists won't prescribe it because it's not always physically effective and aversion treatments don't work for the overwhelming majority of people.

After being an addict in my teens and early 20s I got clean and I got a few degrees and work in MH. I don't want to be too specific as I work with high risk offenders and so don't have a social media presence and I nc on MN regularly.

I've only seen Disulifram 'work' for people that feel like they need a potential extreme rapid negative consequence if they drink again. Like some people would also respond to the potential for recall to prison if under probation services and they reoffend. But it's only a small specific group that that 'threat' works for.

For those people that the 'threat' of Disulifram works for, if they drank on it, a lot of them would find not much happens at all. So some do 'test it' then end up relapsing anyway because the negative physical effects don't happen and they hadn't worked on their addiction at all and were relying on medication to 'stop them'.

Addicts need to not want to use again because of the psychosocial effects on them and the people that love them.

Aversion/physical consequences don't work. Every addict knows it is destroying their body in many ways but it's not enough to make them stop.

There's really nothing anyone can do without her cooperation as awful as it sounds. You can use MN for support and there are numerous support services for people in your position

This isn’t going to be any help at all but I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful, wonderful step mum. I’m so sorry all of you are going through this. OP it isn’t a help but I just wanted to give you an un-mumsnetty hug and say you are amazing.

Thanks again everyone, especially Gareth. You give a lot of hope that there’s life beyond addiction.

I IMed a private rehab clinic yesterday to get an idea on the services they could provide. There’s a clinic that offers inpatient rehab about 50 miles away. The cost is astronomical- 13k for 28 days. My flabber was well and truly ghasted at that. It’s do-able but it would wipe out our savings, and although me and her dad don’t agree on many things he’s right when he said that it could be a massive waste of money. She’d be coming back to the same environment and I don’t think she’s strong enough at the moment to beat that. I’m a skeptic on how things could change so dramatically in 28 days. I can’t even get any statistics on success rates. I do appreciate that it’s down to the individual but there must be something. I also wasn’t sure on what support was available after treatment. Why is it so difficult to access care. Has alcohol dependency become so normal that there isn’t enough resources. How on earth do families who don’t have that kind of money cope? It’s tragic that we’re potentially letting down thousands if not millions of people a year.

There’s an open AA meeting on Wednesday night that I’m going to pop along to. Suss it out and maybe broach it with her again in a few days. I think it might also help with how to cope as a family.

Thoughts if you will on this...the only ambition she has for the future is to get her own flat, learn to drive and get a job. Do you think it’s bonkers to offer an incentive? Say, she starts to get professional help and we pay for a deposit on a rental flat and help when she’s stable? STBXH thinks it’s a crazy idea but I’m not talking about the next 2-3 months but maybe 9-12 months down the line. I don’t know if that’ll put additional pressure on her and make her feel worse if it doesn’t work out.

I know you’re all being incredibly kind but I’m not looking for ‘you’re amazing’ comments, I’m just a mum (of my own DD) who’s looking out for another person, one who I love so very much. It’s basic humanity imo. Please don’t take that as me being shitty, it’s not meant to be xx

Given SoShiny's point about the need for contraception, would it be possible to encourage her to go the GP for that (as she's already acknowledged she can't bring a child into this) but ask for a double appointment to bring up the issue of underlying depression and dependency? I'm not suggesting you attempt to trick her about the purpose of the appointment, but it sounds like she doesn't feel "worth" it for herself, but avoiding a damaged baby may give it a more altruistic slant for her.

I have not read other replies but she sounds like she is a victim of child sexual exploitation. Alcohol and drug issues are the often norm for people who have been in that situation.

I am sure you will get lots of practical advice on here.

@bibliomania she won't have the implant but I did mention about the contraceptive injection. I don't think I want to ambush her with an adjacent appointment at the moment, it really has to be something she wants to do to get better. Thank you xx

Anotherangel2 - I think you may be right. Certainly a lot of boys and men have taken advantage of her (when apparently underage too), without a doubt. Her view of what constitutes of rape is quite old school.