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Original poster

Bitter ex wife and CSA

55 replies

Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:04

Hey. I have posted before about my partners ex wife not being happy with her maintenance arrangement and unfortunately there hasn’t been any improvement and she is now contacting CSA.

Some back ground . They split 6 years ago, they share two children and worked out a private money and contact arrangement that has worked well. Last couple of years OH has bettered himself but still is a low earner. On top of the regular money he also contributed to extras and in the end was paying out for expensive items and basics such as school shoes. Not that big of a deal but it ended up that it was only him paying for these items over and over and his ex never offered to go halfs over and above the maintenance he was paying plus the kids phone contracts ( sims) bus passes and so on. He agreed an increase some months ago alongside all the extras he was weekly paying for and she recently asked again for more but he simply doesn’t have it.

Few nights ago she started texting and is now ‘ going to the CSA ‘ and that the girls deserve more and she dropped in personal digs about him and passive digs about foreign holidays and fancy cars ( I’ve just returned from abroad with my own two kids which I paid for through inheritance money and I drive a nice car but it’s mobility as have a disabled child ) so it’s ckmign across there is jealousy/ bitter thing going on.

We are supposed to get married in three months time. She is aware. The thing is if she goes to the CSA she’s will in fact be ‘ entitled ‘ to less money based on his income and how many children are in the household. He is self employed but his income isn’t ever he same and on tax returns / taxable income combined with the two kids here she will 100 % be worse off.

He has explained to her many times they will instruct him to pay less not more. That he doesn’t want to pay less and that he sees no reason to go down the CSA route ( he’s never missed a payment / always keeps
His contact ) even though he’s explained it all she is adamant because she really thinks somehow we must be rolling in money and she’s will get more but in fact it’s only the kids that will
Be worse off based on the CSA calculation and nobody wants that.

The things she wa saying in her texts about my holiday with my kids , the car, about how much she did for him ( they have been apart 6 years ) and now it’s always about what he wants makes
Me think this isn’t about money at all.

The wedding is close and I think that’s why. I’m
Worried that her I’ll feelings are going to affect the relationship I have with my step daughters and I’m worried that she will continue with this bitterness even if she goes through csa which is going to
Back fire against her.

I’m tempted to reach out to her but same
Time it’s not my place. I know that ....

Sighs *

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:07

Sorry for all the typos x

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 13/07/2018 14:08

Tell her to crack on
If it is less, pay less, and then make up the remainder you would have paid in things that benefit the children.

Step back from it though. Their relationship is nothing to do with you in the main.

mickeysminnie · 13/07/2018 14:10

Let her go through the CMS and then your dp can top up the payment to what he had agreed previously.

Atlantea · 13/07/2018 14:11

yup - let her get CSA involved and step away

AlphaBravo · 13/07/2018 14:11

Tell her to go through CSA. She'll get a nice shock.

annandale · 13/07/2018 14:12

Sounds very unpleasant in the run up to your wedding but there's a lot here that you can't control - it would be better to let it lie.

So the csa get involved - he pays what they say; he can decide whether to send more on top or if he wants to, save more for his children to have in the future. No need to worry about that til it happens.

Comments about holidays and cars - nothing you can do about those. You could aim to have a conversation with all the kids about the importance of saving and how it allows you to afford bigger things like holidays.

Future relationships - I'm not sure what you are worried about here. That all this will affect how you feel about them? Best not to focus on it. That they will be turned against you? That is don't know about but probably it will improve after the wedding.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/07/2018 14:12

it's not really your business though is it?

Likewise you don't have to justify what you have and do, because that is none of her business either.

She is probably just a bit miffed that her ex would appear to be enjoying an easier lifestyle than she has, (true or not).

Step back and take a deep breath...

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 13/07/2018 14:14

It's hard when it's your DP she's messaging, I'm sure, but it's also quite a cliche you use in your title "bitter ex wife". They're all bitter, aren't they? They're all out to cause trouble and upset, yes? Don't be so damning against another woman because it's buying into the notion that the ex wives are the ones at fault; why shouldn't a Dad contribute to "big" stuff like shoes? He's their father.

This whole he-bought-this thing encourages bitterness in everyone and there's little point getting involved.

Baumederose · 13/07/2018 14:15

The csa decision will be after the wedding so who cares?

I say a bonus. She gets less and he can still pay for shoes etc.

This though is exactly why I don't get involved with men who have kids. It's a drama filled nightmare of eighth circle proportions.

Sorry for the end negativity Smile

I hope it works out for you

Storm4star · 13/07/2018 14:16

There's really nothing you can do. It's for your partner and his ex to sort out. Tbh this is why I wouldn't really want to get into a relationship with someone in his situation. Whenever I read these types of threads, I often wonder what the point of view is from the ex's side. No disrespect to you, but you only know the story from your DPs side. There may well be things that she is still upset about from the marriage/divorce etc. It's never going to be easy for a woman to see her own kids dad walk out and then become a father to someone else's DCs, well not if she didn't want a divorce anyway.

I'm not sure why he's so resistant to the CSA route if it means he'll be paying less? To be fair, any women who post for advice on here about maintenance are always told to go the CSA route and not to rely on private arrangements.

Anyway, yes I would keep out of it as it's unlikely to help and will likely make things worse.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:17

Worried that she may talk badly about me to the children and that will affect how they see me .

I didn’t know you could top up csa payments so that it great news.

I’m fully aware it’s not my place which is why I don’t contact her or get involved hence coming here instead!

I hate ill feeling between people when there really isn’t any need. Like I said they have been apart for 6 years and he’s been with me for 4.

OP posts:
sue51 · 13/07/2018 14:19

She goes to the cms gets money formalised but with the understanding it's the legally required minimum and your DH continues to contribute to the children's phone, uniform and other out of the ordinary expenses. Then there's nothing for her to moan about.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:20

I said bitter ex wife because of the comments she has been texting which aren’t about the kids or the situation at hand. They are aimed at him, his character and the past. Given its 6 years most people have moved on by this point and holding onto negative feelings towards an ex and your past relationship in my eyes is classed as bitter.

Nope I don’t think all ex wife’s / husbands are bitter. That’s your assumption. There are so many that handle things well and maturely and myself and my ex husband are in that bracket.

Thank god!

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 13/07/2018 14:21

Don't reach out to her, it won't end well. I don't really see the harm in letting her go to the CSA: if they do in fact decrease the amount she should receive then there's nothing to stop your OH still paying what he pays now, plus it might put a stop to her complaining that he should pay more. Without knowing any of you it's difficult to comment too much: I've known people on all sides of this kind of situation. Some exes are right, some are trying to get more money for genuine reasons, some are just trying to cause friction. Try to make sure the DSDs don't get dragged into this, and if they say anything perhaps you and OH can sit them down and calmly explain what is happening and why - depending on their age, I guess. You could be right about her getting vindictive in the run up to your wedding: again without knowing her I can't really say for sure.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/07/2018 14:22

" I'm not sure why he's so resistant to the CSA route if it means he'll be paying less? "

good point....

I wonder if he is being 'economical with the truth' and who to.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:25

And so the conspiracy theories begin^ nope he doesn’t have anything to hide. He is reluctant to go through CSA as he nor I was aware you can top up the payment so he can already see he would pay less which means his kids will get less which doesn’t make him happy! Shock horror a dad that actually cares

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/07/2018 14:26

Worried that she may talk badly about me to the children and that will affect how they see me

She probably is already, that's beyond your control. All you can do is be a nice person to them when they're with you.

Let her crack on with the CSA, if her money is reduced all the better. It's not really your business anyway, it's between your DP and her.

Storm4star · 13/07/2018 14:26

The thing is, you have moved on and have a new partner, who you are about to marry. If she's still alone and struggling then the upcoming wedding might be bringing up all sorts of feelings for her. That's not to say you shouldn't marry! Of course not. But I think it's also potentially unfair to say "it's been 6 years, get over it". I'm "over" my ex but if I heard he was getting married again? Yes I would struggle for a while because it would trigger a lot of stuff from the past. If your feeling is just "get over it" then definitely don't contact her!

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:27

I know the CSA will sort it all out and she will get it arranged through them but my biggest concern is her negativity rubbing off on the kids. They are 11 and 13 and of course will feel protective of their mum. It’s obvious from her texts she sees her ex and me in a bad light ( we haven’t ever met) so that’s my concern

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/07/2018 14:27

FGS it is not a 'conspiracy theory' to suggest that this man is not being honest is it?
Why would going to the CSA upset you both so much if he would end up paying less? it doesn't make sense.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/07/2018 14:27

And if you DP thinks the kids are missing out with reduced maintenance, he can always top it up, so he doesn't have to worry about that.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:27

I said it’s been 6 years most people are over it ‘ I never said get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:29

Once again we wasn’t aware you can top up csa payments. Now I have been told that it doesn’t seem so bad. We both have never had any dealings with CSA before and nor has she hence the expectation she will receive more money and not less. Great! As long as the kids don’t suffer I know we are happier..

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:30

Thanks x

OP posts:
sashh · 13/07/2018 14:33

Cut her some slack.

her ex and father of her children is about to remarry, she has no formal legally enforceable maintenance.

She is probably worried your next move after marriage will be a baby and that baby will a)have a better standard of living then the current two and b) means he will reduce what he is paying.