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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bitter ex wife and CSA

55 replies

Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 14:04

Hey. I have posted before about my partners ex wife not being happy with her maintenance arrangement and unfortunately there hasn’t been any improvement and she is now contacting CSA.

Some back ground . They split 6 years ago, they share two children and worked out a private money and contact arrangement that has worked well. Last couple of years OH has bettered himself but still is a low earner. On top of the regular money he also contributed to extras and in the end was paying out for expensive items and basics such as school shoes. Not that big of a deal but it ended up that it was only him paying for these items over and over and his ex never offered to go halfs over and above the maintenance he was paying plus the kids phone contracts ( sims) bus passes and so on. He agreed an increase some months ago alongside all the extras he was weekly paying for and she recently asked again for more but he simply doesn’t have it.

Few nights ago she started texting and is now ‘ going to the CSA ‘ and that the girls deserve more and she dropped in personal digs about him and passive digs about foreign holidays and fancy cars ( I’ve just returned from abroad with my own two kids which I paid for through inheritance money and I drive a nice car but it’s mobility as have a disabled child ) so it’s ckmign across there is jealousy/ bitter thing going on.

We are supposed to get married in three months time. She is aware. The thing is if she goes to the CSA she’s will in fact be ‘ entitled ‘ to less money based on his income and how many children are in the household. He is self employed but his income isn’t ever he same and on tax returns / taxable income combined with the two kids here she will 100 % be worse off.

He has explained to her many times they will instruct him to pay less not more. That he doesn’t want to pay less and that he sees no reason to go down the CSA route ( he’s never missed a payment / always keeps
His contact ) even though he’s explained it all she is adamant because she really thinks somehow we must be rolling in money and she’s will get more but in fact it’s only the kids that will
Be worse off based on the CSA calculation and nobody wants that.

The things she wa saying in her texts about my holiday with my kids , the car, about how much she did for him ( they have been apart 6 years ) and now it’s always about what he wants makes
Me think this isn’t about money at all.

The wedding is close and I think that’s why. I’m
Worried that her I’ll feelings are going to affect the relationship I have with my step daughters and I’m worried that she will continue with this bitterness even if she goes through csa which is going to
Back fire against her.

I’m tempted to reach out to her but same
Time it’s not my place. I know that ....

Sighs *

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/07/2018 14:34

Can I suggest you meet her? I think it might help her to see you as another human being. I would want to met the woman my children spend time with.

buddhababy123 · 13/07/2018 14:34

Sounds similar to someone I know. What a horrible situation.
Only advice is to stay quiet and let her go to CSA and let them deal with her. The children's father can then pay what they dictate, even if he is self employed and his earnings vary, they will recalculate yearly in my experience.
Re: badmouthing of you/children's father to the poor children, I don't think there's anything you can do except to continue to be yourself when you spend time with them...and never engage with badmouthing back! If she does speak of you/him negatively to the children it will be damaging and their lives will no doubt become more conflicted, but, telling her that would probably make the situation worse.
You can't control what people say about you and it is truly awful when you know that the ones being damaged are the children (so often at their own BITTER(ha, yes, I will use that word) parents hands/tongues).
But...children are not entirely stupid and eventually they will work out the best coping mechanisms for themselves.
Good luck.

sue51 · 13/07/2018 14:41

How can you not be aware you can "top up" maintenance. It's easy, just transfer extra money to ex wife. Job done.

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2018 14:42

I have no idea of there is an official topup mechanism for csa but how is it relevant? There’s nothing stopping your dh bank transferring. So let it go csa and he can find a way to transfer her money. We can al work out how to transfer or Paypal to complete strangers, I’m confident he can somehow manage to get money to his ex wife. I would expect any decent guy to be paying extra above csa, kids cost money and parents make sacrifices to bring them up.

bibliomania · 13/07/2018 15:03

It's not an official top-up mechanism, just one person transferring money to another in the usual way, eg. standing order. The CSA amount is a minimum level of payment, certainly not a maximum one.

The CSA route should be a good thing, because exW clearly has the perception that your DH is under-paying, and this should be official confirmation that it is not the case.

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 15:20

To be honest this kind of thing often happens if you want to marry someone who already has children. I certainly wouldn't.

If he is correct, and he ends up paying less through CSA and just tops up, then everything is as it was. I don't really understand why the drama?

If his DC don't like you then that won't change because of how he pays will it?

Gin96 · 13/07/2018 15:22

Gosh Life gets so complicated financially when there is step children envolved, I wouldn’ know where to start and how money gets split between a couple when there is children from a previous relationship as i’ve never been in this situation, good luck

Mousefunky · 13/07/2018 15:32

She has no idea how fortunate she is that he’s not only paying above what he should but that he also pays towards bigger items for the kids. I get the bare minimum maintenance from my xH and he buys them fuck all. Let her go to CMS, she will realise how well off she has been.

Valanice1989 · 13/07/2018 15:34

To be fair, OP, I can understand people's suspicions about your partner's reluctance to use the CSA. It makes no sense for him to say that he thought he would have to pay his kids less that way - common sense says that he could just keep paying money to his ex's account as well, surely?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/07/2018 15:41

Does he think there's some kind of law prohibiting him from giving his ex more money than the CSA decides on? Really? How would that even work with birthdays and days out etc?

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 15:43

common sense says that he could just keep paying money to his ex's account as well, surely?

Indeed. He would have to be pretty thick not to recognise that he could also buy stuff for DC, give them or XW cash. Especially as OP has already stated that he has already been doing this for the past few years........Confused

LeighaJ · 13/07/2018 16:26

@Glitterzzz

I know someone who's still bitter after 17 years even though their kids are all grown and they're both in long-term relationships. It baffles me.

As for your soon to be step-children, 11 and 13 is old enough for them to come to their own conclusions about you regardless of what their Mother may or may not say about you.

I suspect the step-children like you, she knows it, and she feels threatened that you'll soon officially be their Step-Mum.

Baumederose

"This though is exactly why I don't get involved with men who have kids. It's a drama filled nightmare of eighth circle proportions.

Sorry for the end negativity smile

I hope it works out for you"

😂😂😂

Anniegetyourgun · 13/07/2018 16:36

I'll die bitter about XH. They'd better not let him come to my funeral or I'll be shouting rude things through the coffin lid.

Honeyroar · 13/07/2018 16:37

It's tough being a step mum. This drama is often part of the package. If you keep on being nice and fair to your stepchildren then they will still like you, even if she tries to sway things. They're old enough to make their own minds up.

HOWEVER - Did your husband go on the holiday with you? Personally I'd have included my stepson in any lovely family holiday because he is part of the family and I wouldn't want him to feel pushed out, and I wouldn't want his mum to be able to throw that at us in an arguement.

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/07/2018 16:43

Check the online CSA calculator to see what the payments will be. They are abysmal and the legal minimum so I'm sure your DH will just keep paying what he has always been paying as he can top them up and it gives her peace of mind that money isn't being withheld.

MismatchedStripySocks · 13/07/2018 16:43

What’s this about not being aware you can top up CSA payments? You can pay whatever you want as long as it’s the minimum they have said. Something sounds a bit dodgy here 🤔

agnurse · 13/07/2018 16:50

I suggest just letting her go through with it and she gets what she gets. Your DP can give his girls more when they are with you.

DSD's mum has never come out and really said anything, but I suspect she is somewhat envious of the lifestyle Hubby and I enjoy. (I make significantly more than what she does and Hubby works too.) I have never told her this, but my thought is that, you know, there will ALWAYS be people who make more or less than you do. You can't tell other parents that they can't take their children to Disney or buy them designer clothes because you can't afford to do the same for your children. (As far as the clothes - I live in Canada so outside of private schools we don't normally have school uniforms, although I think they're a good idea for this reason.) Children need to learn that they get what they get and it's not right to be envious of what someone else has.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 17:46

Is it really that hard to believe that having had no experience with the CSA that we didn’t know you could top up above the minimum payment they tell you to make ? Really? How thick we must be:-)

The holiday just me and my children went on. My partner didn’t come. It was paid for by me for me.

His ex wife is adamant that she will get more money if she goes to the CSA when in reality she won’t. But like people here have said let her and when the new rate is calculated maybe she will see that he has been fair.

I can appreciate that it’s hard to date someone with children and all that comes with it but I have no problem with his children and not does he with mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitterzzz · 13/07/2018 17:50

Of course he knows he can continue to spend money on them and maybe spend the difference on them in person that he won’t be making in a direct debit to his ex wife but until now he simply has paid her a lump sum every month and never questioned it. She’s going to be receiving a lesser payment through the CSA arrangement when she totally believes that somehow she’s being screwed over and that the kids deserve even more. Her words.

Of course we all want to give our children the best we can and he has been doing this.

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 13/07/2018 18:03

I would let her have her big tantrum, enjoy wedding etc and go from there. She won’t be convinced otherwise at this point that it will backfire on her so just let her crack on with it if it makes her feel better.

auntyflonono · 13/07/2018 18:04

He could set up savings accounts for them so he can continue to contribute until everything is settled down and sorted out.

sue51 · 13/07/2018 18:11

Umm; yes it is a bit hard to believe that you didnt realise that one can contribute a bit more than the legal minimum required by child maintenance.

UltimateChaos · 13/07/2018 18:21

I would let her get on with it.

He can always put the difference between his old higher payments and his new lower payments in a savings account for the kids for when they hit 18, if he cares that much.

Pretty sure you can pacify by the kids by telling them that they have a savings account that will buy them their first car. They will be ecstastic!

That is what I would do anyways, but I am very much a reap what you sow kind of person. She will feel very silly and the kids won’t actually miss out.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 13/07/2018 18:30

I'd just like to point out that even if the amount is less, the figure they come to is the absolute bare minimum he should be paying.

rainingcatsanddog · 13/07/2018 18:37

OP- She'll be begging (demanding?) to go back to a private arrangement when that first payment hits her account. Hold tight.