Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Should I help this woman out?

102 replies

Helperout · 13/07/2018 13:36

Hi all nc for this. There is this guy that I was friends with about 20 years ago and I was in a relationship with him for about 2 years. After we broke up we still remained friends and hung out in a large group. I got to know his parents really well and his mam is a lovely woman who always treated me really well (like a daughter).

We all drifted apart but I would still see him occasionally in the town.
Anyway last year he was charged with possession of images of child sexual abuse. The case is ongoing and I am not really sure of the details of what is alleged. At this time his father was terminally ill and died a few months ago.

I went to the funeral and his mam was naturally in a terrible state. She is a very "harmless" woman, she had a very tough life with her husband, he had many affairs that everyone knew about, had a child with another woman, he used to hit her, he drank heavily he was very financially controlling and she has always struggled. She adored her son, he was her golden child and these allegations have hit her very hard. As you can imagine the past year has been horrendous for her, she lives in a small town and has taken a good deal of abuse about her son.
He still lives with her, he was forced out of his house by his wife and was sleeping in his car. She told me that while she doesn't condone what he did she couldn't lie on her pillow at night knowing he was on the streets. She said that what he did was terrible but she cant abandon him. He is in hiding in her house. She is very lonely, has arthritis and needs help.

I called to her this morning for a cup of tea and all this came out. She is struggling to manage the house, she is very house proud. She needs her windows cleaned and a bit of cleaning done outside the house. Her son wont do it as he doesn't want to be seen outside,

I offered to come tomorrow and do the windows for her. When I called this morning I didn't realise he was still living with her. I had just knocked in to see if I could call back to her in 30 mins. The son was there and knew I was coming back so he left the house and only came back when he knew I was gone. He wont be there tomorrow morning (I don't want to see him and they both arranged for him to leave without me asking).

Anyway here is my dilemma, DH is dead against me getting involved in this. He said I cannot be seen down at the house when I know and others know he is living there. I can see his point but I also see a downtrodden old woman who needs help. I don't want to get into a situation where I am calling down regularly but maybe once every couple of months to check in on her and do a few jobs I know people will talk, they live in a housing estate and everyone knows everyone there so I will be noticed.
She was so happy to me and said she had prayed to her dead husband to send someone to help her and then I arrived at the door.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Villanelle · 13/07/2018 18:02

You sound like a very kind and lovely person. Good for you for helping her out (and for having firm boundaries!).

sunshinesupermum · 13/07/2018 18:10

Anaiis is spot on

ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2018 18:12

Why isn't he doing the windows?

It's not about a lack of compassion. It's about people who support abusers.

She is choosing to support an abuser, however 'harmless' she may seem. If it was your child in those pictures, how would you feel?

People follow their own journeys. Be boundaried. This is not your journey. xx

Lizzie48 · 13/07/2018 18:20

The OP has said that this woman has very low IQ. She probably isn't able to understand that her son could possibly be lying to her when he tells her it's all a big mistake. She isn't the guilty one here.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/07/2018 18:22

You sound so kind and have thought about this, I think it is admirable to help her, but proceed with caution too. I agree wth those suggesting meet her elsewhere for coffee at least until you know more about the situation.
Someone mentioned a help group for families in this situation, it would be really good to talk to them .
Older people in difficult situations sometimes have no idea where to look for help and wouldn't dream of it and protest they don't want it. But if you contact groups like Age Concern or Cruise too and get advice and make appointments for her to see helpful people or for them to visit her, you will be surprised how pleased she will be. I had to do this for a lady whose husband had dementia and couldn't cope. She swore no HVs but loved her when she met her and it was a great relief to her. Good luck

Bubblysqueak · 13/07/2018 18:27

I think I would help. Similar happened to a friend's family member when I was younger, the investigation was horrendous on the entire family especially as press were involved.
I think the difference is though is we knew he was innocent as he wasn't in the country when the incident was supposed to have happened. The press didn't care though.

The lady you are helping is innocent and hasn't done anything, other than stopping her child being on the street. I think until he is either charged or allegations are dropped I would continue to help.

If he is found guilty then I would stop if he was still living with her (if he was not in prison)

alltoomuchrightnow · 13/07/2018 18:34

I know I'd end up feeling sorry for the lady and helping her.. BUT I agree with Christmas. The mother is enabling abuse. And you don't have to have low IQ to know that is wrong. No mother's love for her son should stretch that far that they can overlook the fact their child is a paedophile. So I'd find it very hard to be around someone that I considered to be supporting abuse. Therefore I'd only want to see her away from her home. No, it's not her fault he is an abuser but she has a choice to support that . I'd tread v carefully here, OP.. and take some advise if need be.
I do have some experience of this, not quite the same. I had a close friend and her close friend was a man who got caught with photos etc , it made front cover of the papers at the time as it was on an enormous scale. The real shock was that my then best friend had gone out with his man in the past. I had to break the news to her and , well you can imagine. You can't put into words, that sort of disgust and horror. Anyway.. our mutual friend continued to support this man, all the way through prison etc. She even went to live in his house in a very posh part of London while he was incarcerated . She couldn't hold blame to him saying 'he is sick, he needs treatment, I will be there for him when he comes out, this is an illness that can be treated'. Best friend and me had to cut her out. We couldn't be friends with someone supporting someone who gets his kicks taking photos of children or getting them off the dark net. (he did both)

user8807 · 13/07/2018 18:39

i disagree really, she's not enabling abuse by not having him on the streets, it's quite different to say that he can live with her, than her turning a blind eye to him continuing abuse. You don't know that she's enabling that at all.

Villanelle · 13/07/2018 18:56

She is choosing to support an abuser, however 'harmless' she may seem. If it was your child in those pictures, how would you feel?

I've been the child in those pictures and I truly believe that this woman should not be punished for her sons crimes. She can show her child kindness without supporting, condoning or enabling his behaviour. I think that it is possible that her care can stop her sons behaviour from escalating and she's doing the responsible thing.

OP's compassion for this woman who seems to have been dealt a shitty hand her entire life is admirable.

MsFrizzle · 13/07/2018 19:04

Do you all realise (those who are attacking her) that this woman has been abused and manipulated her entire life, if OP's story is true? Maybe she doesn't know how to say no. Maybe she's afraid of the men in her life and what'll happen to her if she does. Jesus christ.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 19:08

I think I will go once and give her a hand with a few jobs and then in future pick her up and bring her out for a coffee and treat. I want to help and support her but I don't want to be a substitute for her lazy ass son ...

That sounds very sensible, but have you thought how you'll approach this if she asks for more each time you see her (the "few jobs around the house", the "help with the clothes" and so on)? You didn't mention how she reacted to your suggestion she makes DS do more - was she especially open to that?

It's a shame DH's background isn't the helpful kind, but unless he really couldn't care less about those in need, is there any chance at all he might have a point about you "picking up waifs and strays"?

And user8807, have you perhaps considered that those who've helped out but are now cautioning about increasing demands might be doing it on the basis of hard experience?

WhiteWalkerWife · 13/07/2018 21:09

I agree with previous posters that its lovely you are helping this lady but have boundaries. Big ones. Anyone who says 'i prayed to God and he sent me you' i have to be honest, doesnt sound like someone who isnt desperate and wont be needy.

And given her isolation its not surprising if she is but you need boundries OP. I would suggest those contact details of the help groups to her and take her out for coffee.

user8807 · 14/07/2018 07:41

I have puzzled I admit it’s likely but it’s not certain, and the thing about voluntary obligations is they are easy to curtail if it turns into something else. That’s also why I say involve the relevant charities so that if op has to back out, there are others in place.

GreenEyedBlonde · 14/07/2018 07:59

If you really want to help could you afford to pay for a window cleaner for her now and then so you can still be friends with her but meet her away from the house so she has company etc?

You sound like a lovely person and so does she. She doesn't deserve this and I hate that people are so narrow minded 😔

onanothertrain · 14/07/2018 08:00

I would help her, she sounds like she really needs the support. Her son's alleged crimes are not her responsibility and I understand why she couldn't see him on the streets. I'd be telling my OH to piss off.

ushuaiamonamour · 14/07/2018 08:17

Helperout Your impulse is to do the decent thing and I hope nothing dissuades you from following that impulse. Some of the replies here are very disheartening but I'm glad I forced myself to read the entire thread, as I found that ones like that aren't in the majority.

I'm surprised you don't seem more bothered by your husband's attitude. Not only is he failing to show compassion, never mind a modicum of empathy, but from what you say he's taking this tack out of moral cowardice: What if someone sees you at her house? What will people say? And perhaps more to the point, What will people think of me if my wife is seen there?

Please do carry on. You sound well able to deal with any problems that might crop upa growing dependence on you, the son being there when you are, gossipshould they (not 'when they') arise. I'm guessing that you're well able to have a stern talk with your husband about your disappointment in him, too, and you might consider doing so.

Balaboosteh · 14/07/2018 08:23

I think you should definitley help if you have time and are able to! Compassionate and kindness, not judgement. The world could do with more people like you!

Lizzie48 · 14/07/2018 08:53

This isn't about the OP enabling abuse. This is about her compassion for a woman who was very kind to her in the past and is having a terrible time now. She isn't supporting the DS at all, who actually used to be in a relationship with her.

M3lon · 14/07/2018 09:48

how would you feel if it was your child in the pictures

I would feel rage the world cannot imagine towards the people who hurt my child.

I would not feel any rage towards a woman who happens to have a son who may or may not have deliberately put the picture on his computer.

trojanpony · 14/07/2018 10:06

Yep

The son is perfectly fucking capable of leaving the house when he wants to he should be kissing the ground she walks on in thanks
BUT he’s probably a leech and a dickhead and has learned to abuse his mother too.

So.....
Pay a window cleaner and cleaner to go round
if you want to help so much then pay a cleaner. Do not fall out with your husband over this

Duskqueen · 14/07/2018 10:13

It isn't fair for her to be punished for the crime of her son. If he is willing to be away from the property when you are there just always arrange to go before hand giving him time to leave before you go. Then you are not around him just helping the poor old lady that needs help and a friend. Although if he is willing to leave the house while you are there why can't he do some of the gardening etc he should at least help her around the house.

Duskqueen · 14/07/2018 10:20

And to those saying she is enabling abuse how is she? She doesn't condone what he has done, it's not like she knew and hid it, but he is her son. You say how would you feel if it was your child in those photos? How would you feel if it was your son that was in this position? Would you just cut them off, not love and care about them anymore? The OP said she the mother doesn't condone what her son did but couldn't sleep at night knowing he was on the street, he is still her son when all said and done, it is not enabling. Also at least if he has a fixed abode with his mother the police can find him when they get everything sorted and it goes to trial, if he is on the street they would struggle with that wouldn't they.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2018 14:00

the thing about voluntary obligations is they are easy to curtail if it turns into something else

I completely agree in principle, but IME it's not always quite so easy if - as OP's husband suggests - the helper's attracted to "waifs and strays". I've had friends who've been sucked in by emotional manipulation, and when it's all gone beyond what they can cope with and someone suggests a slight withdrawal, the answer is "ooooo I can't let them down now"

Nobody's suggesting OP turns her back - and a good thing too - but I can't help wondering if the idea of involving outside agencies might be more effective in the end

user8807 · 14/07/2018 14:23

someone has to get those agencies involved and advocate for the woman - these groups aren't always good with people that can't advocate for themselves. I know what you mean puzzled, it's very often that kind people have problems setting boundaries, placing their feelings above the person needing help, but only Op knows whether she is confident she can back out if it gets too much.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 14/07/2018 15:02

Helperout - hang on, you’ve just mentioned that the son has a sister....presumably this sister is also a daughter to the woman?

Where is she in all this? Can’t she do the once every few weeks/months jobs, meaning you can just provide emotional support coffee/cake outside the house on whatever terms you are comfortable with?

And if you say she lives far away, or has small kids so can’t do it, those are not excuses to stop this small level of support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5