Should I help this woman out?

[Helperout]

Hi all nc for this. There is this guy that I was friends with about 20 years ago and I was in a relationship with him for about 2 years. After we broke up we still remained friends and hung out in a large group. I got to know his parents really well and his mam is a lovely woman who always treated me really well (like a daughter).

We all drifted apart but I would still see him occasionally in the town.
Anyway last year he was charged with possession of images of child sexual abuse. The case is ongoing and I am not really sure of the details of what is alleged. At this time his father was terminally ill and died a few months ago.

I went to the funeral and his mam was naturally in a terrible state. She is a very "harmless" woman, she had a very tough life with her husband, he had many affairs that everyone knew about, had a child with another woman, he used to hit her, he drank heavily he was very financially controlling and she has always struggled. She adored her son, he was her golden child and these allegations have hit her very hard. As you can imagine the past year has been horrendous for her, she lives in a small town and has taken a good deal of abuse about her son.
He still lives with her, he was forced out of his house by his wife and was sleeping in his car. She told me that while she doesn't condone what he did she couldn't lie on her pillow at night knowing he was on the streets. She said that what he did was terrible but she cant abandon him. He is in hiding in her house. She is very lonely, has arthritis and needs help.

I called to her this morning for a cup of tea and all this came out. She is struggling to manage the house, she is very house proud. She needs her windows cleaned and a bit of cleaning done outside the house. Her son wont do it as he doesn't want to be seen outside,

I offered to come tomorrow and do the windows for her. When I called this morning I didn't realise he was still living with her. I had just knocked in to see if I could call back to her in 30 mins. The son was there and knew I was coming back so he left the house and only came back when he knew I was gone. He wont be there tomorrow morning (I don't want to see him and they both arranged for him to leave without me asking).

Anyway here is my dilemma, DH is dead against me getting involved in this. He said I cannot be seen down at the house when I know and others know he is living there. I can see his point but I also see a downtrodden old woman who needs help. I don't want to get into a situation where I am calling down regularly but maybe once every couple of months to check in on her and do a few jobs I know people will talk, they live in a housing estate and everyone knows everyone there so I will be noticed.
She was so happy to me and said she had prayed to her dead husband to send someone to help her and then I arrived at the door.

What would you do?

Ideally her DS would be helping but he isn't so I think it would be lovely to help her. If anyone says anything to you then you can point out that she's done nothing wrong & you're helping her not him.

I'd do it and not give two shits what other people think. She hasn't done anything wrong.

OP .. you sound like a lovely warm generous person and this poor woman clearly needs a friend....

I think I would offer to do these things for her once and then suggest meeting out for a coffee or a walk or even a film occasionally... and gently explore why he can't do more, as well as being a friend.

He needs to learn to live with what he has done and that includes helping his mother who has welcomed him back into her house. I am confused as to why he can't clean the windows - if he is worried about being seen, it gets light very early and I imagine if he did it then, he wouldn't be harassed. I also think that the neighbours need to see him helping look after his mum to realise he is not all bad.

This may sound very judgemental and there may be good reasons why he cant but I think they need challenging - if it is just embarrassment rather than a real risk of being harassed it would really help everyone if he got over this

I would help her. It is awfully nice of you and giving what she's been through she will appreciate it so very much

""I'm a bit worried that you are believing things too readily, OP.""

I agree with that. There would have been left over money/benefit and coupled with the Funeral Allowance from the DWP a simple Funeral can be afforded.

OP, I've known people like her, so I know what you mean, but they always seem to manage and people getting involved doesn't change their outcome.

So do not fall out with your DH or other people over this.

She will ask you to do what she won't ask her Son, think about that. Even worse, he will let you do it.

He is an Ex who has got you cleaning the house that he lives in. He is also a Man who may be a Pedophile.

Offer her support, as said, in terms of a trip out, or making contact with services, but don't get sucked in.

She will do whatever she has to to keep her Son happy. She is used to doing that with her DH, you will be thrown under a bus.

Why would the son end up on street's necessarily, doesnt he have a job, I'd be doing all I voulad to stop that poor woman being controlled by her son.

if her son can leave the house to miss you then he can leave to clean the windows

Actually that's a fair point - it makes me wonder if she doesn't want to ask him, rather than that he can't do it

As I said, I'd help her but I'd also be very wary about getting too heavily involved, for all the reasons Birdsgottafly has just given

Wow - people would avoid the house of someone whose son has been charged but not convicted of having child sexual abuse photos on his computer?

I don't understand the level of hatred people have for men accused of this that seems way above that they hold for rapists or even murderers.

People will still go for tea with a guy who helped cause the financial crash and all the child poverty it caused...but have a indecent photo of child on your phone and they'll not only disown you but your entire family.

Its an awful thing to do, no doubt, but some sense of proportion might be good.

Op you want to help someone who doesn't appear to be guilty of anything. You do not appear to be in any danger from the son. Why on earth should you not go and help as you want to?

It also seems like people didn't have a problem visiting when the husband was alive and beating this poor woman, but now its the son with the photos in the house they can't be seen there.

What does that tell us about the relative view of men who actually beat women and men who have abuse photos?

I always wonder on these threads why people say not to do it on the basis that she might suddenly start being overly demanding.

If that happened or there was any request you were not sure about you say let me get back to you and you say no after that or no immediately.

You can always draw a line under it, but it’s entirely possible also that she wouldn’t take advantage.

I would never let my dc meet her son but it seems she isn’t going to have you see him so that seems unlikely.

I would make sure she has contacted the charities mentioned too as lonely old people can do with more than one friend

I think you should follow your instincts here, it sounds like you can see you husband's POV, and weee not comfortable at all with the son being present.

I agree with the posters who say meeet this lady away from her house, even pick her up and take her somewhere else? She'd maybe prefer that herself especially if she's been isolated... can you go a bit further than your local coffee shop so she's not worried about other people curtain twitching?
All that is of course if you want to!

You sound so nice, make sure you're only doing what you're able to, as this lady sounds like she is in crisis and needs more than one person to speak to or you could both get bogged down in negativity.

I think you are being very kind and if you can then I would wash her windows when her son is out. I dont see the problem with that to be honest. I think its a lovely thing for you to do. Its not him you are helping. If people cant understand that you are helping a vulnerable older woman then they arent worth your time anyway.
Your DH is being a bit of a dick here 'cant be seen down her house'... he really doesnt want you to help someone who needs help because of what other people might think?!

You sound like a lovely person OP, the world needs more people like you. I would do what you think is right, which I believe to be to continue to help her and be a friend to her. She is a separate person from her son and hasn’t done anything wrong. To condemn her and isolate her because of the actions of someone else is piling more upset on an already very vulnerable woman; anyone who thinks that’s the right thing to do should be ignored imo. Hang on in there OP, you’re the best!

You’re lovely op.
I would carry on visiting and helping her. She is not her son.

She clearly needs support and let's not forget innocent until proven guilty.

Do YOU have children???

If so then you need to protect them.

It is not down to you to deal with this.
Your DH should be your priority.

If you still want to see her then meet her elsewhere.
Do not let them know where YOU live if they don't already.

You can sound paranoid but at the end of the day, I'd rather be slightly paranoid and take basic safety precautions to stay safe than to chance it.

Thanks so much for all the responses, all the different POV have been very interesting. Ill try to reply to some of the comments;

First off I do think he is guilty of something. I am a lawyer and I know that these types of cases don't get to this stage without serious evidence. His sister did say that there were files on his computer but they have a technical expert who will give evidence that they were never opened. Regardless he still has them so is guilty of possession.

I have no desire to "bump" into him at the house and that is giving me some cause for concern. He left this morning and rang his mam about 1 hour later to check if I was gone. I was still there so he stayed away. His mam knows I don't want to see him and she said he is too ashamed to see me. I know if he is there as he has a car parked outside but part of me thinks if I call down regularly then he may start to feel that I am ok with him and might bump into me on the way in or out.

I think he is being extremely lazy about helping her out and I told her so. I said he should be pulling his weight more and she was being too soft on him letting him away with it. He is drinking heavily and gone into a depression. She mentioned a few jobs around the house and I said anything inside he was well capable of doing and she was to make him do them. She paid a person to clean her gutters and windows outside but wants them cleaned inside. She is also paying a local guy to cut the lawns and the hedges.

Re her DH estate, her DH was on benefits for many years and drank and smoked all his money. He had a couple of thousand in savings and she told me she used this towards the funeral costs.
She is extremely soft and gullible. Her DS wasn't working as he was a SAHD to his child with special needs for many years while his wife worked. He may be on benefits now but knowing her she wouldn't ask her DS for money anyway.

She also asked me to help her sort out her clothes, she said she has loads she wants to bag up and bring to a charity shop. She asked would I look through her clothes and advise her what she should keep and what suited her.

I do have kids but there are in no danger. Her DS is not violent and that would not be a concern of mine.

I think I will go once and give her a hand with a few jobs and then in future pick her up and bring her out for a coffee and treat. I want to help and support her but I don't want to be a substitute for her lazy ass son who should be supporting her more.

We don't have great support from churches, ss here and I think she would be too embarrassed to meet with a group as she is constantly worrying about how people will react to her.

I don't want to go against the wishes of my DH but he comes from a family who are very mean and wouldn't dream of doing anything to support someone. DH isn't as bad as they are but he doesn't have the same level of compassion I would feel. He says I am always picking up waifs and strays!

If a person who had been kind to me in the past needed my help, I couldn't ignore it. My family know that and would support me.
There is no need for either of them to meet your children (if you have any) but I think you should visit occasionally and maybe take her out for tea, or just stay and listen to her. She must be frightened and lonely and she sounds like the sort of person who would have tried to help you if you were struggling.

It is so important that she doesn't get ostricised for what her son did. You are being really kind and it is nice to pop down once every few months to help her out. That way she won't be too reliant on you either.

Sorry I should add so that you can get a picture of this woman that she has no education, she can barely read or write, she would have a low iq, she worked cleaning peoples houses most of her life. She is very innocent and would find it hard to stand up for herself.
She has put up with a hard hand life dealt her and got on with things as best she could and she has only ever shown me kindness.

Keep going. You are a good and kind person. Fuck the small minded, mean spirited mob who feel its appropriate to hound an old lady over the actions of her son. to you for your bravery and your kindness.

sounds very sensible helperout, not getting involved in any way is always going to be the easier and safer option but if you've got firm boundaries, i think it's possible to make a difference.

Wow, the lack of kindness & compassion on here just astounds me !

She's a lovely women who's only every shown you kindness & is going through the most unimaginably awful time. Of course you should help & support her

If she needs practical help, I'm not sure how you can stay away from the house but being a friend to her is probably what she needs most

Some of the posters on this thread should take a good look at themselves. Complete lack of compassion.

OP, I think you're doing a lovely thing for this lady who sounds utterly deserving of help both practical and emotional.

Others would do well to remember that firstly the son is yet to be convicted. Secondly that his mother is in no way connected to or complicit with his alleged crimes and does not deserve to be ostracized. Finally, given what the OP says about this lady's now deceased DH, it is likely that life under the same roof would have been pretty awful and that both she and her son are very damaged people.