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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to see my friends without their husbands?

74 replies

papayasareyum · 13/07/2018 08:04

I’ve got a group of friends: we’ve known each other for about fifteen years. A couple of years ago, one of them had the idea to get together with our husbands. Her husband was a bit lonely I think. We all said we thought this was a nice idea and met up several times as couples. The thing is, nowadays we almost always meet up as a group of six, with our husbands. Over 90% of the time. We rarely get together as three women anymore. Having the husbands there totally alters the dynamic. I’ve started hanging out with other female friends more regularly because I miss that old dynamic. Aibu to not want to always meet up with their husbands too?

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 13/07/2018 08:06

YANBU. Have you mentioned to your friends you would like to meet without your husbands?

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 13/07/2018 08:09

No, you are totally NBU. I’m a single parent- this drives me nuts. I like all my friends husbands but sometimes I just want to hang out with my female friends, and talk about more personal stuff I’m not comfortable sharing with their blokes. Sometimes it feels as though the couples treat me a bit like ‘exhibit A’: “ooo go on, tell us about the single life! Been on any good dates lately?’ Etc which is weird when it comes from someone’s partner who I don’t necessarily know very well.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 13/07/2018 08:09

YANBU as it does change the dynamic but they are also NBU if they prefer to bring their husbands along. Have you suggested a girls night?

Lotsofdigestives · 13/07/2018 08:10

YANBU

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:14

I prefer mixed company, generally, just for socialising, in bars, restaurants and pubs. Never liked 'girl's nights'. Always felt like some tacky hen night. However if you are talking about specific hobby get togethers I'm quite happy in all female groups, if those are the people that share the hobby. So I've gone to exercise classes with female friends and was all set up to do an evening class with my female friends until it was cancelled.

So perhaps there is a hobby the women share that the men don't?

mumsypig14 · 13/07/2018 08:17

Slorun - why does enjoying the company of other women have to be like a tacky hen night Hmm

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:23

It's just how it feels. I feel slightly vulnerable to predatory men when in a group of women.

haverhill · 13/07/2018 08:25

YADNBU. I made friends with my friends as individuals and I enjoy their company as individuals. Luckily they all feel the same.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 13/07/2018 08:27

slowrun fair enough but that's a very bizarre point of view. Most women having a civilised meal in someone's home or at a restaurant wouldn't feel like they were on a tacky hen night or that they were going to be preyed upon by predatory men. I also don't understand why you're safe from men with a group of women for a hobby meet up but not a meet up with women who just happen to be friends?

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:29

Just my observation over my own experiences, Pitter. Usually get 'chatted up* when with a group of women but not when there are men in the group.

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:30

And when doing a hobby the focus is usually the particular hobby.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/07/2018 08:31

Suggest a girls' night to your friends. YANBU at all. It's fine to socialise in groups where friends' partners are included sometimes, but not all the time - it's not necessarily any more fun for the partners than it is for the original friends. Sticking to the style of your set up (ie het couples) the three men may have nothing in common with anyone but their own female partner, and find the six-people nights unbelievably boring. Or two of the men might get on well enough while the third either irritates the other two or dislikes them because they are so not like him (eg sporty/non-sporty; into music/'grown out of' caring about music, politically on opposite sides, etc.) And the same would be the case if it was three close male friends expecting their respective female partners to get on without acknowledging any differences between the women.

pilates · 13/07/2018 08:32

I prefer being with my girlfriends without partners/husbands, partly because I don’t get on with some of their husbands. One is overbearing and one is quite miserable/antisocial.

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:33

Maybe pubs are worse than gyms or colleges (for hobby pursuits) because alcohol is being served and some men (and women) lose too many inhibitions..

sexnotgender · 13/07/2018 08:34

YANBU, I'd want to meet without husbands sometimes too.

Aria2015 · 13/07/2018 08:36

YANBU girl time is great! Can you suggest a girls night or girls spa. Just calling it that sets the expectation. Then if you all go out and you gush about how nice it is to be just the girls it could put it back on the agenda again?

IrmaFayLear · 13/07/2018 08:36

Snort at hordes of predatory men bearing down on some women having a meal. If you're in a bar , then fair game. I mean, how is anyone supposed to meet a mate if people aren't allowed to talk to each other? Bothering people who don't want to be bothered is another matter, and usually quite easily deflected, but when I was young I liked meeting men!

It's the same mentality as "What a saddo trying to be friends with workmates" or "What a saddo trying to make friends at school gate" . Never understand it.

Anyway, back to OP. YANBU. Soooo irritating when someone turns up with their other half at things. Men or women. Dh was singularly unimpressed when he had gone on a weekend away with some very old friends and one of them arrived with his girlfriend. It not only spoiled the dynamic, but was disrespectful to the blokes who'd left their wives at home.

Gemini69 · 13/07/2018 08:37

Me too OP.... totally get where you're coming from.. I enjoy a girls lunch date catch up...

SoapOnARoap · 13/07/2018 08:38

YANBU OP. Most of the men would rather be out with their own friends too without women.

Have a word & tell them how you feel

eddielizzard · 13/07/2018 08:40

I also think husbands change the dynamic. I'd try and organise a get together with just your friends. There's probably a dh who feels left out. I think it's healthy to have a life outside of the family too. I like seeing friends without dh but dh doesn't really. Does make things awkward but sometimes I fight my corner.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 13/07/2018 08:40

YANBU to want to meet without husbands but neither are they for wanting to do things with their husbands. People are busy and the opportunity for nights out rare for us at least at the moment so if I was going out I’d rather go out with dh because it’s nice to spend time together outside the house and away from the children even in a group.

echt · 13/07/2018 08:40

This happened with my book club which is all women. We arranged a social night out, then one chipped in and said her DH would like to come along. It was very hard to say no, though no-one did as it was all by email; hard to write the words. He's a perfectly OK bloke, but this was a book club outing.

musicalxo · 13/07/2018 08:41

YANBU. I would suggest a girls' night and tell them you miss the old days and see what they say.

I like having couples dates once in a while, but I also prefer just hanging out with my girls.

welshmist · 13/07/2018 08:41

Suggest a movie night and enjoy a film

strawberrisc · 13/07/2018 08:42

It would definitely change the dynamic of conversation if it’s ALWAYS with husbands. We all like to have an honest conversation away from our other halves and the husbands will feel the same.

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