to want to see my friends without their husbands?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve got a group of friends: we’ve known each other for about fifteen years. A couple of years ago, one of them had the idea to get together with our husbands. Her husband was a bit lonely I think. We all said we thought this was a nice idea and met up several times as couples. The thing is, nowadays we almost always meet up as a group of six, with our husbands. Over 90% of the time. We rarely get together as three women anymore. Having the husbands there totally alters the dynamic. I’ve started hanging out with other female friends more regularly because I miss that old dynamic. Aibu to not want to always meet up with their husbands too?

YANBU. This is something that happens with my friends too occasionally. All friends of dh and mine are mutual at this point but it doesn't mean we always have to go everywhere together. It does change the dynamic. Good idea by previous poster to invite them round yours and no husbands invited.

Yanbu, Id just ask your friends if they want to meet up.
Do they have children though? Maybe they don't get the opportunity to go out together much.

They are friends.
Talk to them!

I don’t get these threads. If they are true friends then you say “whilst I love it when you bring xyz, any chance we can just get the original clan together without other halves this time?!”

I don't get it either. I've always liked seeing my friends without my DH. We're not joined at the hip after all. He does his thing as well, visits model railway exhibitions and goes for long walks. (We go for walks together too.) Quite frankly, I can't really imagine my DH wanting to tag along anyway.

You should speak up and say you would like some 'girly time'. If they're not willing to do that, you should consider finding other friends who think like you do.

YANBU. I regularly see my friend and her husband but yesterday I got her to myself for an hour and a half and it was lovely!

@Cutietips

I'm pleased it's not just me being selfish about other people's kids during adult time! It's totally infuriating me and ruining the friendship.

My sis in law has an even more complex issue, her and best friend have babies so meet up once or twice a week and do groups etc...

My sil's friends 14 year old son is autistic she's taken him out of main stream school to home school as he was being bullied now they're at all these baby groups with a 14 year old boy. I appreciate that's very difficult for his Mum but dragging a 14yr old boy round to baby groups and gatherings must be very boring for him and he's permanently saying "can we go home now Mum" and because of his condition Interupts in conversations with group leaders, other mums etc...... and really pees people off, some other parents have complained to organisers as to why he's there!!!

sIL trying to be a good friend but said it's ridiculous. She also said, more to the point he's been "home schooled" since about easter and my sils friend doesn't actually seem to do anything educational with him as she's got her hands full with the baby!!!

She has refused a place at a "special school" and no plans for anything structured in September either - another argument for home schooling to be regulated.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions on how to deal with this?

If he’s fourteen, can’t he stay at home or does his autism preclude this? Aren’t there tutor groups for home schooled children? It sounds like sil’s friend needs to plug into one of the support groups. As I understand it one of the plus sides of home tutoring is that you can organise social groups that suit your child. Could she post in one of the local mumsnet groups or on the education section asking for advice about how to set one up herself. She also could put the baby in nursery for some of the time if her budget allows to give some one on one time with her older child. I agree this must be infuriating for your sil!

YANBU I hate when I see my friends and they are all with their partners like girls I don’t wanna talk to your partners leave them out of this 😂

I have friends that want to take their husbands to everything. It is a bit sad. I don't know whether which one drives it, but it is annoying.

Organise a girls night out, and if they don't want to do it, then I would scale the amount of time I spent with them and focus more on other friends. Most of us don't want to spend our evenings with other people's husbands!

YANBU at all. Heck, my husband doesn't even come to my friends' weddings when invited as a +1. He doesn't know them so doesn't see the point! They are my friends, not his.

Equally, what is stopping your husband from hanging out with these guys individually/as a 3? Why should the onus always be on you to organise it?

Some of it comes down to how you approach things - as in I met my ex husband as he was the best friend of my best friend's boyfriend. So obviously a lit of combined stuff from the start. But after we moved away, when we met up, it was part all four of us and then lots of just us girls and the boys chatted. I'd do a bit more 'move the girls away' tactics? Talking about periods/menopause generally does it.

I love having girls nights/days/weekends!

I meet up with the other mums from school for coffee or lunch (I run my own business so it's easier for me but we try to organise it to fit in with as many mums as possible in our group).

We live in the country but if I go into the city for a day or for the weekend (if there's a trade show on for example) I always try to do lunch with women friends who live there or who can get a train in to meet up.

And recently I had a weekend away with old school friends. We try to do that once a year (save up our Tesco vouchers and change them for meals at places like Prezzo or something so it's a cheaper away weekend).

It's lovely, we can talk about absolutely anything (and usually do), we know each other well enough that there's no 'show' and we're not worrying about partners feeling out of place or being bored with the conversation.

DH does the same with his old friends.

But we also meet up with the same people as 'couples' pretty regularly too - I like my friends husbands or partners.

It's just nice to be able to talk more 'emotionally' sometimes with people you've known forever without feeling (or making some one else feel) uncomfortable. For example, one of my old school friends has a mum who may have Alzheimer's. As my mum has it she was spending a lot of time talking to me about dementia whilst we were away for the weekend and she got quite upset at times (as you would). My other friends and I didn't feel uncomfortable at her tears - we've known each other since we were thirteen so we've been through a lot of tears together. She was tearful over dinner one night. Now my husband or her partner may have tried to 'jolly her along' for the sake of the group, whereas we allowed her to be herself, talk it through and have a little cry because we recognised that she needed that.

I think you need to speak to your friends. Couldn't your husband organise a night out with the other men - opposite parts of town - if it's an issue with the couples evenings becoming a fixture?

Thanks. It happened again yesterday, a group of them meeting with partners at local restaurant. Was arranged very last minute too so couldn’t arrange babysitter even if id wanted to. I’ve tried several times to arrange a girls only get together via our WhatsApp chat, but nothing ever happens and I don’t want to force them if they really prefer the large meet ups with husbands in tow. Time to focus on other friends for now, maybe...

why does enjoying the company of other women have to be like a tacky hen night
I doesn't! You don't have to go to a pub or bar - there are other places to meet up e.g. coffee houses, cafes, restaurants etc. It isn't a requirement to get rat arsed, or even drink alcohol at all.

I've been married for many years, and often go out with just my girlfriends. We meet for coffee, go on walks etc. No husband required.

I feel the same about my friends and their kids
Once in a while fine- every bloody time not so good

Just organise a “girls night” I’m sure most men would appreciate an evening on their own anyway (it’s the only time I get to control the bloody telly!)

I'm sat with my girlfriends having a drink in a bar/restaurant - it's a hen night.

1 of the Girls has brought her husband and he's "sitting in the bar" so he can "meet her after"!

He's drinking so it's not like they're doing it so he's driving her home!!!! He's doing it to keep an eye on her

What is wrong with people????

You're not being unreasonable, it's not as if you never meet up with husbands. Women usually like to get together for lunch or a night out so why not suggest it to your friends but without complaining about husbands. You might find they feel the same

YANBU. Both ways are great so it needs to be a mix, the men should get together by themselves every now and then too.

I’m with you completely OP. I have three friends who I worked with decades ago. We reconnected and started to have meet-ups perhaps two or three times a year and it was great. Suddenly, one bright spark came up with the idea that husbands should be invited too. I’m the only one with no husband. It completely ruined the dynamic and I no longer go along.

It's vitally important to do stuff in women only groups. Many reasons why. Semi related my mother's recently been widowed, I'm slightly flabbergasted that she's now uncomfortable seeing most of her best friends of the last c 40 yrs because they always did stuff in couples only, she's instead kind of tracking down people she was only somewhat friendly with on the basis that they're similarly alone.

it’s kind of created a bit of a divide, where two of us in the group clearly prefer just to meet up as women only, whilst the others have very regular get togethers as couples. It means I’m having a lot fewer night outs that before and even those nights often have the guys meeting us afterwards. We had a meal out recently and the others texted their husbands to meet us afterwards. Dynamic in our group altered forever I think

I'm not particularly interested in socialising with partners of my friends at all. It really irritates me when people are seemingly incapable of having a meal or night out without their partner stuck to their side.

I need to see my girlfriends on their own so we can talk about real stuff that’s concerning us. And feel understood and supported. I think women have this yearning for close female friendships. I don’t understand why you would want to bring your husband along. I have no interest in other people’s husbands because I don’t go there with personal conversations with them. When we do have husbands along, the conversation gets light and social and that’s fine but I can talk like that with my neighbour or my librarian.