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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to see my friends without their husbands?

74 replies

papayasareyum · 13/07/2018 08:04

I’ve got a group of friends: we’ve known each other for about fifteen years. A couple of years ago, one of them had the idea to get together with our husbands. Her husband was a bit lonely I think. We all said we thought this was a nice idea and met up several times as couples. The thing is, nowadays we almost always meet up as a group of six, with our husbands. Over 90% of the time. We rarely get together as three women anymore. Having the husbands there totally alters the dynamic. I’ve started hanging out with other female friends more regularly because I miss that old dynamic. Aibu to not want to always meet up with their husbands too?

OP posts:

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:42

Irma, snorting at 'disrespectful'...

My DH and I are friends with each other's friends. They are mutual friends. His female work colleagues have become firm friends of my own. Our group has always included single people and couples. Only split up according to hobbies. Meet up together to socialise.

Yes, I have feel uncomfortable and embarrassed being rather aggressively flirted with. Just doesn't happen very often in a mixed group. Sad but true.

slowrun · 13/07/2018 08:44

And if people are recognising husbands change the dynamic, why is it wrong to prefer that altered dynamic?

phlewf · 13/07/2018 08:44

I have a friend who always has husband in tow. Fine for me because we live in a different country now so visits are for longer and more planned but she had another friend ask if they could me up just the two of them occasionally. My friend cannot understand and said that they hardly spend any time together as a couple so don’t like to do separate things. So be prepared for that kind of answer. I know it’s made things a bit awkward now.

hellsbells99 · 13/07/2018 08:47

I meet up with my friends most weeks down our 'local' or at someone's house. Every 2 or 3 months we will arrange a 'couples' thing - but everyone is still welcome without a partner. I would hate it if my friends bought their partners along every time.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/07/2018 08:48

Yanbu. Whilst you shouldn’t have to could you organise an obvious girls only night such as getting tickets to the new mama Mia film, or organising going to a cocktail bar, (trying to think of something men aren’t interested in)

BitchQueen90 · 13/07/2018 08:49

YANBU but I find people who want to spend all their free time with their significant others odd anyway. I'm long term single though and have found relationships smothering so that's probably my issue.

I was planning a night out with a friend before and she said "oh I'll have to bring DP along, can't leave him by himself" I was a bit

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/07/2018 08:51

I’d rather put up with any flirting - can’t say I’ve had this problem too much - on a girls only night out than have the husbands -protecting us from the flirting - with us all the time slowrun

UneMoonit · 13/07/2018 08:52

YANBU.

Women need time and soace to associate with each other without men changing the dynamic (and vice versa really).

I'd be surprised if nobody else is thinking this - in our friend group the husbands are the first to do so.

UneMoonit · 13/07/2018 08:53

*Space. Soace doesn't sound like a good thing.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 13/07/2018 08:57

yAnbu at all

I gave the very same thing going on

3 of us mates, we met at a cake decorating course and sat together all hit it off been friends 8 years.

About 3 years ago one of my friends was having issues in her relationship and her partner suggested they do more together and so she suggested a meal for all 6 of us round Christmas - it was nice but then she assumed every get together should be as a group of 6.

This courses problems for me and my other friend in terms of babysitting (as we don't have family to do this) and also we don't want the men in tow all the time. The conversation isn't the same so I totally understand what you mean. Me and the other friend meet up now, I text her and say "we're having a girly night come and join us" she declines then afew days later says she's feeling left out!!!!! We wonder if her husband has banned her from going out on her own!????? All very weird.

Un-glue yourself from your man then! You live together I don't think 1 night a month would make any difference.

We also have a new issue with her, her eldest daughter who is 19 is back from uni and doesn't appear to have any friends her own age so she's often got her in tow aswell which again changes the dynamic and conversation too.

It's such a shame but my partner said maybe the friendship has just run its course?

slowrun · 13/07/2018 09:01

They just have to be there, Through, don't actually do anything to 'protect' from flirting.

But if you've never had a problem with men flirting you've never had a problem... Count it as a blessing. Maybe I just attract some strange people. Don't know why. Last time was in the GP's waiting room of all places! Man sat right up against my thigh, I even moved saying 'Just giving you a bit of room'. It was obvious he was targeting me, there were plenty of empty seats. He was persistent though, chatting away non stop.

Lethaldrizzle · 13/07/2018 09:07

And friends who don't have their own separate email - they have a couples email address with their partner - that annoys me!

Original poster

papayasareyum · 13/07/2018 09:17

It’s a relief to know I’m not alone.
I agree with the poster who said they made friends with their friend, not her husband. And just because I get on with her, doesn’t mean I’ll get on with her husband. In a large group, I rarely have a proper chat with my friends. It’s not the same anyway.

OP posts:

Cutietips · 13/07/2018 09:26

I’d hate this. I’ve a group of friends who sometimes (rarely) meet up with partners but tbh I prefer the girls nights out. It’s just a bit more relaxed. Bellabutterfly, I’ve got a friend who often brings assorted children along, to film nights quiz nights etc. I never bring mine on a night out. I love them but they’ve got their own social life and we spend enough time together. It’s particularly annoying if I’m a bit late and I end up sitting next to one of the children (and they’re not very chatty so I have a boring night out). When I go out I want to talk to my friends not my children and even less other people’s children, even if they’re older teens. Surely people should get this!

Cutietips · 13/07/2018 09:29

Lethaldrizzle shared email, the horror! Why would people do this? We have shared WhatsApp groups for family or friendship groups but shared email, ewww. I used to hate it before mobile phones when you had to make polite chitchat on the landline before speaking to the person you really rang up for.

squeelof1 · 13/07/2018 09:30

I've always found it to be a nuisance when someone has their partner in tow, especially at family gatherings.

You want to see THEM not freaking Jeff or Julia let's say who you've come within the vinicity of probably once or twice and know nothing about... not to mention how awkward it is, literally there just because they have the "partner" title, no one cares for them, no one wants them there.

I suggest you mention it to your friends that you feel you can't have a proper time together as friends when all your partners are lurking about, OR suggest a girls night or something fun and girly, something their husbands would probably feel to embarrassed to go, (manicure, salon, yoga, some sort of class) would more than likely decline to go, realize that hey that's a chick thing and then just not show up!

slowrun · 13/07/2018 09:35

Really, squeel, family gatherings? I guess you'd not make very friendly in laws? I'd hate it if my family had been that unfriendly to my DH when I met him or if his family had been that unfriendly to me...

Really, friends of friends and partners of friends, male or female, I consider my friends unless they do something to really upset or offend me.

fourandnomore · 13/07/2018 09:39

Yanbu. Can you organise a girlie day and bill it as such so that there is no ambiguity? Just be honest, say you miss the girls getting together as much as you like the partners getting to know each other, so would they be up for a girls’ get together next time

Lethaldrizzle · 13/07/2018 09:40

Cutietips - quite!

Maelstrop · 13/07/2018 09:50

Organise something exclusively girly. I feel your pain, OP, a friend of mine does this and I can't really stand her DH!

YoucancallmeVal · 13/07/2018 09:58

I cant bear this. Agree with madamegazelle re being the single person entertainment. My friend's dh is constantly around and she is all: oh tell dh about that guy you met! No. Fuck off. I wouldn't tell man in the chip shop. I told you because you are my friend.
It is causing such a problem I increasingly avoid her. People attached to their partner at the hip are very wet.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/07/2018 10:02

I've been single forever so the idea of 'couples nights' feels very excluding to me and tacky I may be bitter luckily my friends are quite a diverse bunch so none of that,

BitchQueen90 · 13/07/2018 10:03

@slowrun how do you think those of us who don't have partners cope day to day with male flirting? If I had to go out with a male in tow to "protect" me then I'd be screwed because I don't have one! Yes it's annoying but we need to get a bit of a grip and be assertive.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 10:04

I completely get it. A girls only night out is so much fun. Why don't you invite them round for dinner and tell them husbands aren't invited? I don't understand joined at the hip couples.

slowrun · 13/07/2018 10:13

Bitch, if I wasn't assertive I'd just agree with you!

I'm just acknowledging that mixed company in the presence of single predatory men can just feel more like a 'safe space' than being in a group of women. The men in the mixed company don't have to do any overt defending. Just by being there the predatory men are most usually put off.

I am assertive but my preference is not to have to be confrontational especially when I'd rather just relax and enjoy myself.

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