To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

[Pollypanda]

To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

DS is 8 months old and has always been a below average sleeper. He’s never fallen asleep by himself. His preferred way of being put to sleep is being rocked in my arms, he will sometimes accept being patted in his cot but rarely. If he wakes in the night we have to pat or rock him back to sleep. He’s started waking more and more, up to 8 times a night just for a little pat. It’s exhausting. Plus he’s 26lbs and my back and arms can’t take it any more.

He immediately screams if I put him down awake. Today I tried the following: putting him down drowsy, he screamed, I left him for 1 minute then picked up and rocked until calm. Put down, let him cry for 1m 10s, picked up, etc etc. He fell asleep after 9 mins total crying.

I hear all the time about how controlled crying is damaging for baby, affects development and so on. Is what I’m doing as “bad” as CC? I feel like because I’m stood by his cot, he can see me so knows he’s not alone and I’m soothing him with words it isn’t is bad but AIBU to think that?

The studies which suggest crying damages babies were not done on otherwise loved and well cared for babies, as far as I’m aware. I also can’t see how what you are doing is helping, though. You’re still up in the night, you are still picking him up...

I don’t think you are damaging your baby, you are responding to him.
Does co-sleeping work? It was a total god send with my youngest, but wouldn’t have worked with my oldest. She just liked me to rub her whilst I broke my spine leaning over her cot a million times a night until she was 18 months.

No you are not damaging your baby. You are just trying to help him get himself off to sleep. If its working for you, then thats good for both you and your ds. He is safe and comforted and thats whats important.

@cardibach I’ve only tried this for naps today, so not sure how it will affect nights yet. Today he fell asleep in his cot without a pat for the first time every, surely that’s some progress?

He's 8 months not 8 weeks. I think what you are doing sounds fine.

You sound like a nice mum to me. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Sounds fine to me

Sounds like you are doing fine.

The only study which compared outcomes in older children who had and hadn't been sleep trained as babies showed NO differences in attachment styles/incidence of attachment disorder, IQ or behaviour problems between the groups.

It's bloody cruel the way the internet makes out to new mothers that a few minutes of crying alone can harm a baby. Think about all the times you've cried, do you think they did permanent harm?

My first child cried when he was tired. No amount of pestering helped him settle down because he was crying because he felt tired and the pestering was keeping him awake! When he was 10 weeks old I realised, hey if I just leave him alone for 5 minutes he falls asleep. I hate to think the miserable months, maybe years, of sleepless nights I'd have had if I hadn't realised and thought he must need rocking or something. I'm sure being rocked he'd have passed out from exhaustion eventually.

I did controlled crying with ds2 who never slept! I didn't pick him up though. I let him cry, went in after a few minutes, reassured him but didn't pick him up.
Didn't damage him at all. He's grown up now and is a lovely young man

You're doing a fab job

You are NOT damaging him. Honestly.

He sounds like the perfect candidate to me to be perfectly frank and I’m really pleased cc appears to be working for you. I’m sure that 9 minutes felt like forever but it’s fine. Give him lots of love during the day to help ease any of your fears

I tried with my dd and that scenario you described could last for hours (3.5 hrs was my limit - damn straight she learnt hysterics for that long got what she wanted! ) with the occasional rage induced vomit. I tried so desperately to get it to work over about a year from six months to eighteen because everyone kept telling me that’s what I had to do and making me feel inadequate for not cracking it but some kids just aren’t made that way - I only post this to reassure anybody cc isn’t working for. She’s 2.5 now and still a little git for bedtime but we’re getting there - she’ll now lie down and go to sleep with me there rather than desperately clinging to me so it’s happening slowly at her pace.

You are not damaging him. We did controlled crying with our son from around 6 months, the process lasted about 3 nights, and he now goes to sleep on his own and sleeps through - he's done so ever since - and he's 2 now. Happy and cheeky little lad, who is very active and benefits from a full nights sleep. Sleeping is a skill, and it is hard for little one's to learn it, but I don't see how It benefits them In the long run to delay the learning process by always being the one to help them sleep - could potentially need assistance sleeping for long into the toddler years. All the best with it.

DieAntword - my DS was just the same as yours. I used to try and cuddle him, rock him, pat him etc when he was tired and crying but I eventually realised that it was just something he needed to do before falling asleep. The more I interfered the more incensed he became but if I let him just cry, he would be asleep in 5 mins (it seemed a lot longer at the time though!).

OP you are not damaging your baby.

You sound very sensible.

You are not damaging him. Controlled crying was done frequently when my children were babies 30 years ago and both my DDs are well adjusted young women. Sleeping is a skill which needs to be taught ideally as calmly as possible which is why I preferred controlled crying to cry it out which is what health visitors suggested in the 80s but I could not face that.

If I were you I would not pick your DS up each time though or rock him or anything. Just say go to sleep firmly but gently initially and then if you have to go in frequently just lie him back down in the cot without saying anything. Have you tried a comforter? My DD gave my DGD a teddy which she had in her crib from a newborn when she did gradual sleep training at 7 or 8 months old I think. She is nearly 3 now and still loves her bear and strokes it against her face before she goes to sleep.

You dont have to do controlled crying if you dont want to. What you do need to do is teach him to fall asleep on his own. The easiest way to do this is for his day time naps. You start reducing your interventions. So you are now rocking so start with holding but still. If you are stroking his back. reduce it to a still hand. If you are sitting beside the cot, move your chair a few inches away. This gradual withdrawal will take a while but is far less traumatic than controlled crying. That said, if you get stuck in the process, letting him cry a little won't hurt. If you can manage it, do the same at bedtime. Initially do whatever you have to during the night but do as little as you can get away with. He has learned this over 8 months so be patient. Little chap has to learn new rules. In the end, he will be less stressed when he wakes because he will soothe himself back to sleep. I spent many years doing this with parents. It is kind and loving but it needs patience

You sound like a nice mum to me. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I did this with DD, when a bit younger than yours, with 1m-2m-3m (up to 5m) gaps. I don’t regret it.

ps you are already making changes, It helps to keep morale up to keep a diary, if he gets ill he will regress, dont worry

Seconding @Canshopwillshop

My DS is 9 months old and cries hideously before conking out. There’s also an exponential link between screaminess and how much sleep he’s had that day. It’s hideous and goes on for 5 mins then BAM! he’s absolutely soundo and now goes for 11 hours straight.

My sympathies. Even though he’s been like this for weeks and weeks now that five mins is agony but interfering makes him twice as bad

Please don't feel guilty OP. You sound like a great mum and what you are doing is fine.

I'm generally pretty uncomfortable with CIO techniques but I don't think anything you've described could be damaging. 1 min of crying between being comforted whilst you stay with him for 10 mins actually sounds very gentle to me. I know someone who shut their 3 week old in a room alone and left them to scream until they fell asleep. Now that I find upsetting! You sound like you're doing great :)

I didn't do any kind of sleep training, thankfully I was never really desperate enough that I needed to.

Just conversely, I would say don't be afraid of doing what you need to do to get baby to sleep quickly. This is what I did! We cuddled DS1 to sleep until he was almost a year old, despite people telling us we were spoiling him etc. Both boys had a dummy. I always offered a feed straight away if they woke in the night. Even co slept nights it was bad!

Just do what works best for you and what gets every one some sleep!

Sum total of crying will be less than 2 more years of waking every hour or 2. Do it now before they get older and more stubborn

Could you introduce a dummy or comforter?

Are you sure that weight is right? my 2yo is only 28lbs afaik! No wonder your back hurts!