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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

65 replies

Pollypanda · 12/07/2018 14:23

To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

DS is 8 months old and has always been a below average sleeper. He’s never fallen asleep by himself. His preferred way of being put to sleep is being rocked in my arms, he will sometimes accept being patted in his cot but rarely. If he wakes in the night we have to pat or rock him back to sleep. He’s started waking more and more, up to 8 times a night just for a little pat. It’s exhausting. Plus he’s 26lbs and my back and arms can’t take it any more.

He immediately screams if I put him down awake. Today I tried the following: putting him down drowsy, he screamed, I left him for 1 minute then picked up and rocked until calm. Put down, let him cry for 1m 10s, picked up, etc etc. He fell asleep after 9 mins total crying.

I hear all the time about how controlled crying is damaging for baby, affects development and so on. Is what I’m doing as “bad” as CC? I feel like because I’m stood by his cot, he can see me so knows he’s not alone and I’m soothing him with words it isn’t is bad but AIBU to think that?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 12/07/2018 14:59

M oldest was a credit to sleep baby. Being held or patted or touched in anyway made him angry and scream himself out. But if I popped him down and let him cry for a bit he dozed straight off - I only discovered this by accident after having to go downstairs for a franc dummy search

arethereanyleftatall · 12/07/2018 15:00

I doubt it.
I expect it would be more damaging if neither of you ever got any sleep. Sleep is vital for development.
Anyone with multiple children, anyone who is busy at that minute with a different ill child, anyone who is having a poo when their baby cries, anyone whose toddler is busy getting a knife from the cupboard when their baby cries, etc etc all of these situations require leaving the baby cry in their nice safe cot.

I did cio with both my children, (didn't take long mind, never more than five mins before they were asleep). It meant that we were all well rested and enjoyed wonderful days together. My children are now gorgeous, happy, well adjusted, mentally well etc etc.

tenbob · 12/07/2018 15:00

You're absolutely not damaging him

Waking 8 Times a night can't be good for him at all, so helping him get more sleep, in a gentle and kind way that you're doing, is totally of benefit to both of you Thanks

Herewegoagain56 · 12/07/2018 15:01

Controlled crying was one of the best things I did! The crying was minimal for a few nights and has been an amazing sleeper since. He spent more time crying BEFORE I sleep trained him as he was a much happier baby not waking every hour or two

piscis · 12/07/2018 15:06

Waking up 8 times a night is not sustainable, that is definitely very damaging for you. It is important to find a balance between the baby and the parents I think and yours isn't a newborn. You shouldn't feel guilty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2018 15:12

My dd always cried for a couple of minutes before going to sleep at this age. The thing I dreaded when she an was older baby was waking up in the night. If I went to her it was a cue for wake up time and she’d be awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night. If she did it once she’d do it the next night and I had to take drastic steps to stop it getting into a habit. One time I remember leaving her for 1 1/2 hours to cry before going back to sleep. It was awful standing listening to her not daring to go in to soothe her. The next night it was less time and the third night she slept straight through.

Do whatever works. 8 times a night waking isn’t working so if it continues I’d change tack. You can try co sleeping as others have mentioned.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2018 15:14

Posted too soon. Didn’t really answer the question. No I don’t think you are damaging your baby. I think you are damaging yourself. You’re not helping your baby to develop healthy sleeping patterns. Hopefully like most stages it will pass.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 12/07/2018 15:16

After ten months on /off living in a hospital room I did cc with ds at 10 months and had him sleeping through on the third night.
A baby who had never slept alone or in the dark /quiet!!
As far as sleep is concerned it gets to the point where for the sake of your mh something needs to be done!

FriendOfScarecrow · 12/07/2018 15:20

I don't understand the 'let him cry for a minute, pat and repeat' thing.

Seems confusing for the child and not conducive to sleep. I'd either give in and let him sleep with me, or bite the bullet and let him learn to CIO.

I did it with all mine slightly older than yours (closer to a year). It's hard for a day or two and then they settle. I feel like you're training yours to cry for tiny pats. Not damaging him by any stretch just not helpful to you or him.

Littlecaf · 12/07/2018 15:38

No you’re not damaging your baby. We did CC with my now 3.5yr old when he was just 1. Took 3 nights and he’s slept well ever since. He was waking 3-4 times a night and none of us was getting any sleep.

Considering doing it with my 9m old as he’s still up once - not ready yet though. I still like a quiet sleepy breastfeed at 3am - it’s just me and him. When I go back to work in 4months I’ll probably be over that!

Bibesia · 12/07/2018 15:40

I also can’t see how what you are doing is helping, though. You’re still up in the night, you are still picking him up.

Surely it's helping because he fell asleep after 9 minutes? After which, if this were to happen at night time, OP could leave him and get some sleep herself.

Emmasmum2013 · 12/07/2018 15:40

I don't think you're damaging your baby.

The cry it out method does work well for some and not for others. If it worked for you then excellent! It didn't work for me, I think me going into DD to 'reassure her' and then leaving again just wound her up more. And she soon learned that if she cried and cried that eventually I would come in.

I think I just ended sleeping in her room for a few nights. She'd wake up and immediately be reassured that I was close by and she very quickly got out of the habit of waking up constantly.
I think most of the waking in the night behaviour is habits, so if you can break them then you've done the hard work.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/07/2018 15:41

I got to about 12 months or so of no sleep before I did controlled crying.

I know they say it’s cruel etc.. but I was at breaking point, and it really was tantrum of not getting what he wanted.

Best thing I ever done.

justausernamex · 12/07/2018 15:54

Does he sleep better with his head elevated?
It sounds like he has fluid in his ear/s. If that is the case it would explain all the waking up, because it hurts to lie down. Take him to a doctor to check it - they can put tubes in (very small procedure) it works wonders

Hissy · 12/07/2018 16:15

18 months of rocking here... DON'T be me! I once spent literally from 1am until 6.30 am rocking him and trying to get him to sleep. My ankles were so stressed they had enormous lumps on the Achilles!

In the end I did CC and it was bad for a few days, but then got better as he got used to settling

Sounds like you are doing the right thing love, it will get easier.

You are reassuring him that you're there and that its OK for him to be put down without being held/rocked.

ScarlettSahara · 12/07/2018 16:20

To echo just about every other poster - you are not damaging your baby. Please don’t feel guilty. There is no perfect method of parenting. You sound a lovely mum. To me the most important thing is that we care. Guess what? - the majority of kids turn out just fine! Your child will feel loved by the care & attention & comfort you give overall.
I really don’t like the way parents are made to feel bad for their choices. Just do what works for you as a family.
I did a modified controlled crying & it worked fairly quickly. We were all on our knees with tiredness so much so that I ended up grabbing the wrong bit of the Dyson when picking it up & released the bin, dropping the whole cleaner on DD in the process. Thought I’d fractured DD’s leg (she was fine) so I would argue best to have a reasonably well-slept family!!

Coyoacan · 12/07/2018 16:37

Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint.

Original poster
Pollypanda · 12/07/2018 17:34

Thanks everyone for your kind and helpful comments! I’ll try to answer some of the points that have cropped up.

It’s definitely going to be a slow process, I’m hoping once he’s started falling asleep with me there I can slowly leave the room and eventually he’ll be falling asleep independently.

I have tried co sleeping and I loved it. However DS sadly did not, he prefers his own space definitely.

He won’t take a dummy... or a bottle but that’s a different story... have tried a comforter but he’s not at all interested. Will persevere.

Not a typo, 26lbs, absolute biffer!

Fluid on the ears, I’ve not heard of this, what makes you think that? Will look into it.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/07/2018 17:43

What you're doing is more like pick up/put down than like full on CC. And you're still with him too. I think it's fine and I hope it works for you. It's very like what I did with DD2 when I night weaned her, except I didn't let her cry at all, just picked her up when she started - but no boob. The first night I picked her up 43 times. The second night it was twice. The third night she slept through. You're using a similarly gentle method. Good luck.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 12/07/2018 17:52

OP my nephew was a sleep-fighter and his parents rocked/soothed/coslept as he wouldn't be put down.

He's now well into school and still rarely spends more than a couple of hours a night in his own bed.

A few days of loving encouragement to settle your baby at 8 months old will save you ALL from long term upset.

DameSylvieKrin · 12/07/2018 18:57

My dd is 8 months. We sleep trained her 16 days ago using the gradual retreat method, which is thought to be gentler than CC. We found out about the method as it is described on the Sleep board here under the title 'What worked for us'. There was a huge improvement the first night and it keeps getting better. She was waking 8–12 times a night and now she wakes once. She can fall asleep in 3 minutes without crying.

BigPinkBall · 12/07/2018 19:57

I read somewhere that babies who were left to self settle are more likely to need background noise to get to sleep as adults.

Cleo2628 · 12/07/2018 20:07

🧡

To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?
CheshireChat · 12/07/2018 20:20

The OP isn't just letting her baby to sob himself to sleep.

DS certainly cried for longer at times simply because I couldn't tend to him fast enough and for a, mercifully brief, period around 18 months he was left to cry as he was more aggravated by me being there. Tried sleeping in his room, but he thought it was playtime and he likes his space.

He's 3 now and it's all so much bloody easier.

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/07/2018 20:24

Op. You do whatever it takes to get baby to sleep! I had a proper cryer - nearly broke us all. I tried everything I could think of. Some babies just struggle to settle
No you won’t damage him - he’ll be fine

My cryer is now almost 9 and he goes to bed fine now ( mostly)