To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

[Pollypanda]

To ask if you think I’m “damaging” my baby?

DS is 8 months old and has always been a below average sleeper. He’s never fallen asleep by himself. His preferred way of being put to sleep is being rocked in my arms, he will sometimes accept being patted in his cot but rarely. If he wakes in the night we have to pat or rock him back to sleep. He’s started waking more and more, up to 8 times a night just for a little pat. It’s exhausting. Plus he’s 26lbs and my back and arms can’t take it any more.

He immediately screams if I put him down awake. Today I tried the following: putting him down drowsy, he screamed, I left him for 1 minute then picked up and rocked until calm. Put down, let him cry for 1m 10s, picked up, etc etc. He fell asleep after 9 mins total crying.

I hear all the time about how controlled crying is damaging for baby, affects development and so on. Is what I’m doing as “bad” as CC? I feel like because I’m stood by his cot, he can see me so knows he’s not alone and I’m soothing him with words it isn’t is bad but AIBU to think that?

It is actually cruel to play on a new mother’s emotions with sentimental nonsense like the screenshot posted above. You and your baby have a NEED to sleep and you are not damaging him by gently helping him get the rest you both need. A loved, played with, cared for, cuddled and cherished baby will in no way be irrevocably damaged by ten minutes of complaining.

You have to do what's right for you. CC wasn't for me. I used a couple of techniques outlined in this book www.onbuy.com/gb/parenting-books/gentle-sleep-book~c2978~p1088979/?exta=bingsh&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Parenting&utm_term=OPC-P6FYXV-NEW and this one nocrysolution.com/books/the-no-cry-sleep-solution-solution-2/

I'm not saying you should do this just offering a different opinion. My daughter was a sleep refuser of epic proportions, we co slept for 10 months, we did alot of rocking and walking round the block in the dark. She is a great sleeper now (3 years), goes to bed easily, rarely wakes and even the transition to to bed rather than cot she never gets out even though she knows she could get out and come downstairs so don't think that by NOT doing CC you will end up with a child in your bed until secondary school age. But you do have to stick to your guns once they are older and know what the bedtime deal is - and if you can get a bedtime routine you can transfer to other locations (in case of holidays etc) then even better. good luck!!

Sleep training doesn’t damage babies. In fact the evidence suggests babies, children and parents who sleep are happier and more resilient.
We teach children to use a knife and fork, to speak, to use a lavatory - why on earth would you not teach them to sleep too?

Regarding fluid in the ears

My min has a daycare and 9/10 times When they sleep badly it is fluid in the ears

Its super common

The reason they have trouble sleeping is because the fluid puts pressure on a nerve Inter ear when the babies lie down (if i understand correctly) and it hurts, some Children sleep a little and then wake up crying - some just sleeps when they are super exhausted

If you he sleeps better/longer sitting up e.g. In a carseat its a clear sign of fluid in the ears

self preservation is needed.

Agree with everyone who says that being left to cry sometimes until he can settled is not damaging as long as his surroundings are otherwise caring and attentive, as I am sure they are.

TBH, kids are resilient - we would all be utter headcases by 12 if we couldn't take being left to cry, or occasionally not having our needs met etc. I hate people talking about totally normal stuff 'damaging' kids - I find it quite manipulative.

There is not some kind of continuum from utter neglect to 'ordinary things parents do to enable them to manage' where something less than meeting your baby's every momentary want is going to lead them towards some kind of trauma.

Cleo that is utter bollocks.

I see it's worked for you so far but personally I'd question whether going and picking him up after 1m intervals is helpful. If it does work for YOUR individual baby go for it, 9m total in the long scheme of things is nothing and you're both doing really well! I spent a long, long time with DD sitting in the room, patting, leaving for 2 mins to cry before going back because it was all I could stand, the lot. One day I had to leave her, there was something else that needed doing NOW and I left, expecting to send her into a frenzy. Nope, off she went after a few minutes. Now that she's older with hindsight I can see that she NEEDS to be left alone in order to go to sleep, even when she's unwell or in an unfamiliar place if anyone's there she just can't go off. All that time she needed to be left alone and I didn't realise, all those wasted hours and all that upset on her end! . Some kids are just like that.

I think what you have to remember is that sleep deprivation is undoubtedly damaging to your baby, maybe not in the long term but definitely in the short term. We feel rubbish when we don't get enough sleep and aren't able to perform at our best and I don't see why it would be different for babies. Mine have always been grumpy and quick to cry when they are tired.

A baby that sleeps well generally feels better and has more energy to put into learning everything they need to learn. I think good sleep is obviously helpful for a baby's development. If you are helping your baby to sleep better, you are definitely definitely doing the right thing. Ignore anyone who suggests you are not meeting your baby's needs. Sleep is a really important need!

I don't think so. We've always put ds down awake and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle down. During this time he might cry, but usually he will settle himself to sleep. If not we know there is something else wrong.
We always had the video monitor on, so we could see him.
I think it's better to let children settle themselves to sleep. It was much better for us as well.

Agree with petrolpump complete load of bollocks Cleo. For tiny babies, yes. For older babies/toddlers, absolutely not.

I did "gentle sleep training" and responding to every cry till he was 16 months (and still waking 4-10 times a night, even though we were also cosleeping). All fine and dandy until I was so tired I walked us both into a busy road by accident.

Did contoleed crying (five minute intervals) and on the third night he slept through 7-6am. And is no worse for it. Absolute belter. He was ill and ended up in with me again, so we'll be doing CC to get him back in the cot.

I am a parent first and foremost, but I can't be an effective (and safe) parent if I don't get some sleep too.

Trust your instincts, you know if you are harming your baby, it's intuitive. What you are doing clearly feels ok otherwise you wouldn't do it would you? You sound like a caring mum who just needs some sleep and if your baby isn't sleeping well on it's own, you need to teach it.

An 8 month olds form of communicating all negative emotions is crying, so it doesn't always mean they're really suffering, they even cry when they're bored of playing with a certain toy.

Sounds like you are taking it very slowly so he won't feel insecure. You're doing the right thing.

Hi Pollypanda, I really think that sounds very gentle and hopefully will work. I have an 8 month old DC2 who is a poor sleeper too so you have my every sympathy! DC1 was a great sleeper so this has been a shock, 3rd wake up already here :( Please let us know how you get on, I may need inspiration for what to try! x

Studies can prove anything and its getting annoying. Chuck enough money at something and you can prove whatever you want. As long as NHS choices your gp and the health visitor says its OK I wouldn't worry. Don't believe everything you read in the paper

We used to have to rock my DS to sleep but he got too heavy for me and my DM especially if he fought it, so we did the same. To start with would just leave for 1 minute or so to cry, then we would leave him for 5 minutes and then go to him comfort him and put him back down, rinse and repeat. Now he is nearly 10 months and I put him in his cot with a couple of toys and he will play until he falls asleep. He is advanced for his age (health visitor told me this at his 9 month check) and he took his first unaided step yesterday, he can say mama and dada, he has even started assigning mama to me and dada to my DH, so it hasn't hurt his development at all. He is otherwise very loved by me, my DH and his sister we play with him, sing to him and read to him, as we did/do with his sister.