To be so done with toddler behaviour

[GKite]

This probably doesn't belong here but I'm desperate. I'm not even sure I can get away with calling my son a toddler still (turned 4 last month)
His behaviour is just becoming a joke and I'm struggling to cope, he has a 17m old sister who he seems obsessed with. He will throw toys at her, snatch toys from her, put toys in front of her wait for her to walk over and then he snatches them away and then just laughs about it. He slams doors to get her attention, if she doesn't look he will slap or kick her.
When we are out walking he has to constantly to be looking at her, to the point where he will fall over something or walk into something and then I get the anger because he has hurt himself.
He is constantly screaming and throwing toys, they break within a day as he just throws them at the wall. If he is in his room to play (where I can get 5 minutes peace) he will go into my room, play with the sockets, empty out my creams/spray hairspray onto the carpet.
Theres a little boy across the gardens from us (definitely younger than my son) but was hoping they could be friends (no other young kids here) but when they are both out in their own garden my son just throws stones at him (obviously he is taken in straight away)
If I let him play out the front he will run off, I've found him 15 minutes away beside the main road before (doesn't give a shit) will run across roads, run into people's gardens. No pushiment works believe me I've tried them all. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my third and struggling, my relationship is struggling as my partner (not his dad) can't understand why my son can't understand to behave. Any advice?

Hmmm. Have you spoken to your health visitor? It may be worth them coming out. It sounds like perhaps he has special needs?

How often do you spend time alone with him, just the two of you? He might be craving some special time.

On another note and this is just my opinion but no way is a 4 year old mature and old enough to be allowed to play outside at the front of a home unsupervised!

You poor thing! He sounds very difficult.

What was he like before his sister was on the scene? Is he struggling to share attention and time with her? What's he like when you just have him on his own?

Does he go to nursery? If he does do they have any concerns? He sounds jealous of his sister, are you spending any time alone with him? If punishment isnt working have you tried ignoring the bad but not dangerous behaviour and massively over enforcing the good?

I have but there is never much she suggests. I created a corner in the living room with foam mats and soft blocks so they could play together, he just bites the mats and toys. Crawls around with them in his mouth
We moved house earlier in the year and he used to play outside the front on his own before without ever wondering off but since coming to the new house it's like he doesn't care and just does whatever he wants.
Admittedly he doesn't get much one to one time with me, but when it's just us he is a golden child. None of this behaviour exists (except running off, throwing stones at the other kid) he is always perfectly behaved on just his own (even with just my partner he is the same, brilliant child) and I think that's what's making us struggle, we constantly feel like we have to be apart.
This behaviour has been on going but just getting worse, since July last year

My first thought was, how did he cope with his sister's arrival? He sounds jealous ime. And the fact that he is playing out on his own is worrying - at 4 he is far, far too young to be able to escape from the garden and end up quite a distance away beside a main road.

Does he go to any playgroups or nursery? How is his communication generally?

What happens if you take him somewhere on his own - can you leave DD with her dad and maybe take him on his own to the park for a couple of hours. It really sounds as though he's acting up out of frustration rather than "naughtiness".

And I agree, talk to your HV just in case there is something else going on, like additional needs.

Sorry - x-post. I see that he seems to love time alone with either you or your partner. It's hard when you have another young child, but it seems as though expecting a 4 year old and a young toddler to play together is unrealistic.

He seems to be craving attention and one to one time. Any grandparents nearby who could maybe give him some undivided attention or else mind his sister for a bit so that you can do stuff with him on your own?

He does go to nursery, only 3 hours for 4 days but he loves it, the staff have no issues with his behaviour and he doesn't do any of this behaviour at nursery.
I've tried ignoring it but that makes it worse I think as then he will do ANYTHING to get any attention be it good or bad. It's hard to ignore behaviour when he turns around and pushes his sister over for no reason, or smacks her because she wasn't quick enough to walk to him?
I've tried pulling him away and going down to his level and explaining that it's not nice, he agrees but then seconds later does it all over again. I've taken toys away like he does to her but he says he doesn't care, that I can bin them. I've tried time out but again the second it's over he just reverts back. I've shouted and he laughs. HV gave me a stop sign and together we explained that when he seen the sign, it meant he had to stop his behaviour,he just screamed whenever he saw it

You say "punishments" don't work, but I prefer natural consequences at this age. Have you read "how to talk so the kids will listen and listen so the kids will talk"? I love this book. The techniques it mentions include helping small children to express their emotion by naming it them - eg. "oh DS it's so annoying that you want to play with something your sister has. Unfortunately she has it right now, but I'll put a timer on so she knows when it's your turn".

You have to follow through 100% of the time with natural consequences - eg. "if you can't behave nicely (define clearly - without hitting people for instance) at this party then we will leave" he'll get three strikes, then I'd be out of there, dragging a screaming child if necessary. Your partner needs to be on board too so he gets a consistent message.

You don't say how he is when not with you. If he's fine, then you know he can do it.

He might be reacting to the pregnancy? Some one on one time talking about how he's still your special little boy might help him.

Is he due to start school in September?

I think it'll do him the world of good. Sounds to me as tho he enjoys the company and stimulation of playschool, and is becoming bored and frustrated being at home with just his baby sister to play with.

Try and hang on until then x

I have booked in him for some summer classes that do like dancing and games and stuff to give him a chance to be out the house doing something (school holidays) but it's an absolute ballache to get there as he just runs off, runs into the road etc. Once he is there he enjoys it but then back in the house the behaviour starts all over again.
We do swimming and soft play, where one parent will take him.
My mum tries to take him but she can only manage two hours before giving him back.
FIL sometimes takes both of them out to visit great nan and he (my son) seems to enjoy that
He maybe is too young to be out on his own but if I don't send him outside then I'll crack up 😭 I really can't cope with this, I've wanted to top myself over this.
Obviously I'm going out and checking on him but as I said above there has been times where he will run off

Does he see his dad? Or does your partner act like dad to him?

No he won't start school, it'll be second year of nursery.
I'm feeling so guilty that I'm having yet another baby, I can't imagine it looks or feels nice to him. If I could abort I would 😭 I honestly thought he'd have stopped all this by now.
What made me post this was this morning he had purposely trapped his sisters hand in the door and when she cried he hit her 😭 I removed him straight away and asked why he done it, for ages he just said don't know and then said its funny 😭 I'm completely failing aren't I?

I would get some support now before your baby is born, as this is likely to make things worse. It is particularly urgent because you will soon have a newborn baby in the house with a very unpredictable child.

A health visitor could come to the house and help with advice and how to deal with him, and give you some support and guidance.

Are you robustly dealing with the stone throwing, not just bringing him in, but the naughty step for four minutes etc? So he has proper consequences for hurting other children. Making special time for him every day (1/2 hour or so or longer) may help him feel more connected to you will make him feel more secure.

There is a dynamic that is unhealthy when it comes to you and your son if he is well behaved elsewhere. It seems that he is craving more time with you and will do anything to achieve it.

Be firmer, but make more time for him, be very loving and kind when he is calm. Reward him with extra kisses and cuddles and praise when you notice he is behaving well. The two in combination may be just what you need, that and a lot more support if you have some.

I have just read your update.

Please can you put him in the back garden, assuming that is a safe and secure place for him. You can't risk him running off at the front he could be hit by a car.

If you are leaving him out in the front because you can't cope you need to call someone to help you.

I didn't mean that how it sounded, he obviously wants to be outside and he has his bike, scooter, slide and chalk out there. I just meant there is noway I couldn't not put him outside ever

Op you sound desperate.

Please don't think about suicide or abortion, you need much more support.

1. Consider extending his nursery hours immediately

2. Make a weekly timetable so that you have help when he is there, 247 if need be. Your mum can help, your dp needs to be more involved. You need a proper management plan.

3. Ask his Dad to take over for a while, this does not all have to be on your shoulders, he has two parents.

4. Permanent help in the shape of 'sure start' helpers that are designed to assist families in the younger years.

5. For the time being don't leave your dd with your ds until things have improved, you have a duty to protect her from this.

Stay calm, you are not the first parent to struggle and won't be the last

Of he's happy for you to remove toys then do! And keep removing them.
Use the naughty step and don't give up. Make him realise there are consequences to his actions.
Never put a 4 year old in a non secure area no matter how much you can't cope!
If he can behave in other environments then this is not anything other than bad behavior.

It sounds like he's bored and unhappy. Have you considered putting him into nursery full time until he starts school? My 3 year old goes full time and loves it. At home she's bored and destructive but at nursery has the company of her peers, structured games and lots of outdoor play.

I think 4 is far too young to be outside unsupervised. His safety needs to take priority. Can you fence the garden so he can't run off, a high fence so he can't throw stones at the neighbour's child? Without a secure fence and locked gate I would never allow a 4 year old to play out, and even with these I'd be watching through the window.

Are there parenting classes in your area that you and your partner could attend? I agree with pp, he can't be trusted around your dd, and needs a robust framework of what happens when he is naughty such as naughty/thinking step.
Screaming when you hold up the stop sign isn't so bad imo - he's expressing his emotion without hurting anyone. I would calmly say would you like a cuddle when you've finished shouting? Then wait nearby but ignore him.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling op.
Have you ever seen House of the tiny tearaways? (I’m sure that’s what it’s called) it was a tv programme and it helped parents with unruly toddlers.

One of the episodes may help, it’s just a matter of finding the child nearest to your son.

It sounds like your little boy has had a lot to deal with in his little life so far - how old was he when you separated from his father? Does he see/stay with his father ever/regularly? How long have you been with your current partner? And a house move, and a new sister, and now another on the way. I wouldn't feel like you are failing or that he is 'broken' - he is reacting to a lot of change, none of it chosen by him or what he would have wanted. It is normal, and natural, given the situation he find himself in.

Definitely agree it sounds like he NEEDS more one to one time with you. This will be even harder once new baby is here so you and DP and if possible little boy's dad need to sit down and work out a robust schedule to ensure he is getting a lot of focused attention from you or his dad, at least half an hour-an hour a day, with no sister on new baby. Love bomb him during those times.

Speak to your GP about your anxiety and depression (that is what it is) and get treatment, as a pregnant woman they will prioritise you as PND can be very dangerous for mother and baby.

I would also suggest you not let your son's behaviour take over family life - how is his sister coping? it seems like she is currently the focus of his difficult feelings, how is she reacting to that? I imagine she is also struggling for attention, and you will need to monitor that as when new baby comes she may be in the same position as your son, resenting the newcomer. Making sure she also gets good quality, focused attention form you and your partner at least once a day may help with that.

Hang in there OP, you're doing your best! xx

You’ve had some good advice above which I can’t expand on. It sounds tough.

From a purely practical perspective, if you haven’t already, put a bolt on your door so he can’t get in and ruin your stuff (been there, done that!)

Get some foam door stopper things, they go over the top of the door so it can’t be slammed and fingers can’t get stuck in the door.

I would utilise an iPad to my advantage if that keeps him still - you don’t mentioned it but it can be a godsend, 3 or 5 episodes of Peppa or whatever and you can shower in peace and have some breakfast.

Good luck though you sound at the end of your tether

Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing it sounds like he’s had a lot of change lately, new baby on the way, new house, starting school soon. This won’t last forever. It sounds like you’re trying lots of things but I’d make sure you carve out regular time and tell him when this will be, for just you and him and try to rebuild your relationship.

I think you need to reset your expectations of your ds. Things like playing out front alone - he’s far too young.

Yes he said your oldest but he’s only just turned 4. I remember when my youngest grew up into the age that ds was when she was born, did I realise I had expected way too much of him.

Reign back your expectations. He’s trying to interact with his sister and get your attention - so a) teach him positively how to play and b) give him focussed attention for regular short bursts in the day.

Tell him how to do things instead of what not to do. It sounds like you leave him to it, he trashed things, gets your attention. Instead you stay with him for a bit, do some playing with him and then you can nip off and do other stuff gradually.

I also spent a lot of time playing with my two when they were 1/2/3 to show them how to play nicely. Yes it was intense and bloody boring sometimes but actually it pays off. They’re 8&6 and more than capable of entertaining themselves.

Put your son into nursery for a day or send him to his grandmother's house (explain to her how serious the situation has become) and make a list of how you are going to tackle this. Start the day making your house safe. The doors so no slamming, the high fences to keep him safe, bolts for certain doors and a timetable designed week by week so you can have some time with your son just for him, time for dd just for her and newborn baby once he/she is here.

By carving up your week in to slots you can make sure all of the children are all well cared for. It is better to do this now before the baby arrives and you are too tired to think about it. You have a month to get your life in order, and line up as much support as possible.