To be so done with toddler behaviour

[GKite]

This probably doesn't belong here but I'm desperate. I'm not even sure I can get away with calling my son a toddler still (turned 4 last month)
His behaviour is just becoming a joke and I'm struggling to cope, he has a 17m old sister who he seems obsessed with. He will throw toys at her, snatch toys from her, put toys in front of her wait for her to walk over and then he snatches them away and then just laughs about it. He slams doors to get her attention, if she doesn't look he will slap or kick her.
When we are out walking he has to constantly to be looking at her, to the point where he will fall over something or walk into something and then I get the anger because he has hurt himself.
He is constantly screaming and throwing toys, they break within a day as he just throws them at the wall. If he is in his room to play (where I can get 5 minutes peace) he will go into my room, play with the sockets, empty out my creams/spray hairspray onto the carpet.
Theres a little boy across the gardens from us (definitely younger than my son) but was hoping they could be friends (no other young kids here) but when they are both out in their own garden my son just throws stones at him (obviously he is taken in straight away)
If I let him play out the front he will run off, I've found him 15 minutes away beside the main road before (doesn't give a shit) will run across roads, run into people's gardens. No pushiment works believe me I've tried them all. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my third and struggling, my relationship is struggling as my partner (not his dad) can't understand why my son can't understand to behave. Any advice?

I really can't afford full time nursery, I was going to try and up his hours when he goes back in august.
He doesn't see his dad, he hasn't be around since birth. Me and my partner have been together 3 years.
See I could have understood the new sister comment a year ago but why is he still acting up now? I do think he is very jealous but this seems like an awfully long time for it to keep going on?
My baby girl adores her brother, she's constantly wanting to play with him (handing him toys, sitting beside him, sharing toast) it's just a shame that doesn't get returned. I'm really praying to God above that at 18m she'll be too young to understand jealousy and we might just scrape by. I am struggling and I am depressed but I think that's just normal now.

Mum really won't take him longer than two hours, I really wish she would. I've tried explaining, crying on her shoulder and all she says is "sounds like hell be spending a few days with nan" but she never follows through. I've asked for help before and I get "no I want to sit on my ass and eat cake" "can't take him out today its too windy" "I cut the grass and now I'm knackered so can't have him"
I had a consultant appointment the other week and she had to look after both kids, I was gone precisely 43 minutes and she couldn't wait to walk out the door, citing it was too hard.
Both gardens are fenced and gated
Sure start is one I'll definitely look into, HV mentioned it before

I know lots of posters are suggesting upping his nursery hours but I would worry that this would make things worse by making him feel more pushed out. As an alternative, could your DD do a few sessions at nursery so he has your undivided attention for a few hours a couple of times a week? I know that's more difficult when the new baby arrives, but it's probably easier to do with a newborn who hopefully will mainly sleep and feed than another active toddler.

www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/parentchannel-tv/

Start with calling this number op, used to be parent line and is now called family lives

0808 800 222

They are there to help, support and offer their services. Hopefully they can match you up with someone that comes into your home and helps out (for free) and takes the load off for a while.

Appreciate you can’t afford full time nursery - and can see you have 4 days x 3 hours (so presumably his funded hours only though can see you are going to look at upping hours). That 3 hour window can’t give you much of a break between getting back from dropping him off and needing to set off to pick him up again and also sounds like it mightn’t be long enough for him to get really stuck in (and tired out). Would it help at all to have a couple of full days at nursery even if that meant he only went in on 3 days? Could your mum or fil commit to a regular slot - even just 2 hours but twice a week on non- nursery days for example? Are you planning to breastfeed the new baby?(just thinking of practicalities around the type of help you will need when little one arrives). Is there an option for DP to take parental leave so you are both at home for a bit?

Sending best wishes though (and sorry if this is a bit “twenty questions”, just trying to understand your situation a little better)

If your mother can't help then dp needs to take both dc to soft play for the day with a picnic and give you the time you need to organise yourself.

Space to really think through what can be done for each child, how it will work when the baby arrives. Plan day by day so you can manage.

You can call the number above for help and go and speak to your GP. There are lots of services to help you.

Maybe your mother is struggling to manage as well, but maybe she could do just one hour every other day, so it isn't too much but would make a difference to you.

I agree with pp make his nursery day longer, and then on the other days plan to go to soft play so he can burn some energy.

If your dd could also attend nursery this would give you time with him one to one on a weekly basis.

Setting aside some time at the weekend to do something fun with all of you.

What is dp doing to help? He could do much more I am assuming even given his working hours.

I agree with resetting your expectations. He's very, very little. Far too little to be unsupervised outside. He should never be left alone to play 'out front', it's no wonder he wandered off (and he must have been gone some time for him to be 15 minutes away).

Toddler is absolutely the right word for him having only just turned 4.

Strip everything back to basics, sit with him on the floor and play. He sounds as though he's feeling very pushed out by the arrival of his sister.

So sorry. It sounds so tough. I have heard good things about 1 2 3 magic as it works for children with and without special needs.

I second 1,2,3 Magic. Really easy to learn and works well. We very rarely get to 3 now and still use it for the older children as well.
Basically it's 2 calmly counted warnings and if they carry on and you get to a 3 count it's a consistent consequence.
Also if your lad is 4 isn't he going to school in September? Or are you not England based?

Speak to pastoral care at nursery and ask them to refer you to the NSPCC selfcare course, they are specifically for these situations. They have a module for exactly this stuff. I'm mid way through mine to help deal with DS's behaviour towards his sister as well as child proof the house. He's 4, she's 18 months.

But for starters this is what we did:-
-extra tall baby gates on all the doorways & stairs
-childproof locks on all the cupboards (wilkos have some brilliant ones in that even me & dp struggle to open)
-choke hazards & broken toys binned
-child proof the garden
-lock on my bedroom door on the outside
-reward charts, he gets a sticker and a marble in the jar every time he does something nice, include little things like sitting nicely to eat dinner and build up to turn taking with his sister. Full chart equals a friday treat, full jar equals a day out somewhere fun.
-the moment a toy goes to be thrown it gets confiscated for 24hrs, he doesn't even have to throw it, he just has to go to throw it.
-alone time 1 - 1 for half an hour a day
-letting him do an activity he likes for a break for me, even if its the ipad
-adult led supervised activities to teach them to play nicely together

You can not leave a 4 year old and an 18 month old alone and expect them to play nicely. It doesn't work like that, and to be frank you're daft if you think it does. You have to teach them both how to do it. Turn taking games like batting a balloon, kicking a football, racing cars down a track.
Most important out of the lot is praise the little things, confiscate if he looks like he's going to throw, and stop leaving them alone, and childproof your house!!

I don't think 17 months is too long for him to be jealous of his sister at all (mine's managed to keep it up for 40 years, after all!). And it could no doubt have gotten worse over that time, not better. Think about it, when your dd was small she didn't have that much impact in his life, other than taking your attention away from him. Now she's mobile, and has interest in him, and his toys. She wants his attention, but he doesn't want hers. Yet I suspect you tell him to play nicely with her, share things with her, be a good big brother, but he doesn't want to.

How 'safe' is his room? Can she get into it? I'd try and make it his area, and teach her not to go in, and that if he doesn't want to share his space and his toys all the time that's absolutely fine. Do you have a playpen? I'd make time each day to put her in there with some toys to keep her occupied, and then concentrate all your attention on him for an hour, doing whatever he wants to do without the possibility of his sister taking over.

It sounds like hes desperate for more attention from you and has focused on his sister as the way to get it. Your partner absolutely needs to step up and help make that happen, he can surely watch your DD for a few hours at the weekend?

It also sounds like he has a lot of energy that isn't getting the outlets it needs to be burned off in a safe way - telling him to "go play outside" on his own is not the way, its not safe AND it feels even more like your sending him away from you so you can spend your time with your daughter instead. Little child with excess pent-up energy being jealous of his sisters time, in a new house, with another baby on the way? I'm not surprised at all hes acting out like he is.

We do high activity games, like I suggested, kicking a football, running around after a balloon, sticky kids, playing lions, anything that gets them up and running around. Burns off the energy, dd also goes for a morning nap so that is me & ds time as well as going to bed an hour earlier than him. We have routines, every hour in the week is accounted for up until they go to bed, so ds knows that at 11am it's mummy & me time.

Sorry if I’ve missed something relating to this as I have just skim read some posts but - do you spend time one on one with him? Could your mum possibly take your youngest for an afternoon so you can spend some time just with him? Maybe do his favourite thing. It all sounds based around attention and maybe a few intensive one on one Mum time sessions will help. Sorry if you’ve already tried this! I hope things get better for you xx

I'd echo the PPs saying this sounds very much like your DS craving more attention. My 6 year old recently told me, very calmly, that she's jealous of the love me and my 18 month old share, which really made me sit up and listen. She has very rarely deliberately hurt him but does seem to follow him around seemingly intent on taking away each and every toy he chooses to play with and is constantly winding him up, getting in his face, saying mean things, etc. Nothing on the scale of what you're describing, but a similar sort of dynamic just less high-charged, if that makes sense. At six though she's able to identify the jealousy she's feeling, and she's able to talk to me about it, which gives me an opportunity to verbally comfort her. That's something that at the age of 4 is developmentally impossible for most kids, which must make those jealousy-type feelings seem 10000 times worse and make the kid act out 10000 times more.

What works best for me is love bombing the 6 year old. Most parents naturally heap more attention, more praise, more 'i love you's on babies and young toddlers while we encourage bigger kids to be more independent. That's fine for some, but others like my DD, and by the sound of it your DS too, don't want more independence and desperately crave more one on one time with their parent(s). When i take the time to fuss over my DD and tell her how much i love my favourite girl and say what a lucky mummy i am to have such a wonderful big girl and do something where the focus is firmly on her rather than on her brother, then her behaviour improves exponentially.

My DD did 3 hr nursery days 5 times a week and it felt like no break at all by the time I'd done drop off and pick up. If you can swap to 5 hours a day 3 times a week that would give you both a bit more of a breather on those days and maybe as someone else said see if you can stretch finances to book your DD into nursery on the other 2 days in the working week. On those two days ask your DS what he would like the two of you to do together so not only does he get one on one time, he also gets to feel in control.

We just did the free nursery hours at that age and they allowed you to do either 5 mornings or afternoons or 3 full days. Maybe doing the full days might allow you some space and then if possible maybe could you get some time 1:1 with him for example get grandparents to take your other child for a bit one or both the other days.

Also I thought of something to support, but I can't remember the name of it, there is something where a volunteer can come by and help and support. Maybe the other Mnetters will know. My friend volunteered for it. Might be helpful when baby comes.

Home start, that is it, www.home-start.org.uk

I do think he is very jealous but this seems like an awfully long time for it to keep going on?

Do you have a close sibling? Sibling rivalry can last a lifetime.

I suggest you read siblings without rivalry. It’s a great book and talks about approaching sibling disputes fairly even if you think one is “to blame”. He’s perfectly valid in his feelings of jealousy. You risk always blaming him and not realising that actually young toddlers are bloody annoying so don’t be surprised if he gets fed up with her.

No my step brother is 7 years older and I hate him 🤣
I did actually take him out to soft play by myself today and he had a brilliant time, even left without a tantrum but then a few minutes after leaving he headbutted a bin, pushed it over, threw himself to the floor, started shouting help me at the top of his voice,ran off and punched a bus stop sign. None of that sounds normal to me?
I did have a feeling previously that he was autistic as he needs to line up all his toys, gets very annoyed if you disrupt the line, has to have all the doors shut but will open and close them a few times first, plays with the curtains constantly - just pulling them back and forth.
To the pp who asked, no his room is absolutely his own and his sister doesn't get in there ever, there's so many small broken toys in there I wouldn't trust it being safe for her.

No my step brother is 7 years older and I hate him 🤣

You laugh but that might subconsciously colour your thinking on this. We all bring our history with us to our parenting.

My ds liked to line things up and piss about with things like doors. He wasn’t autistic- why do people chuck that about.

Instead of softplay, get to know him better by playing with him individually even for ten minutes a day. He may have been tired after soft play hence the behaviour, he may be copying something he’s soon. Who knows. If you genuinely think he’s got autism then go and speak to a professional but that doesn’t negate building up time with him, just for him.

I agree that this is beyond the bounds of normal. I do think there's something else going on. Realistically he either hasn't coped with the changes in his life so far (he might just be a particularly sensitive child) or there's a developmental issue.

If you possibly can I would spend as much 1-1 time with him as possible and make sure he gets NO ATTENTION for bad behaviour. None at all,. You just prevent him from hurting himself or anyone else. He gets loads of attention and praise for anything he does well (even if it's just spending 1 minute without causing any damage).

My ds liked to line things up and piss about with things like doors. He wasn’t autistic- why do people chuck that about.

Because it's a possibility and lining things up is a red flag for autism. No one is saying we can diagnose him with ASD on the basis of that one trait but it's something to consider.

I get that it’s a possibility - but I see it suggested quite a lot and then people use that to excuse things IMO.

Autism or not, a child needs some positive attention and positive encouragement. This usually takes more effort but pays off in the long run.