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To be so done with toddler behaviour

54 replies

GKite · 12/07/2018 09:14

This probably doesn't belong here but I'm desperate. I'm not even sure I can get away with calling my son a toddler still (turned 4 last month)
His behaviour is just becoming a joke and I'm struggling to cope, he has a 17m old sister who he seems obsessed with. He will throw toys at her, snatch toys from her, put toys in front of her wait for her to walk over and then he snatches them away and then just laughs about it. He slams doors to get her attention, if she doesn't look he will slap or kick her.
When we are out walking he has to constantly to be looking at her, to the point where he will fall over something or walk into something and then I get the anger because he has hurt himself.
He is constantly screaming and throwing toys, they break within a day as he just throws them at the wall. If he is in his room to play (where I can get 5 minutes peace) he will go into my room, play with the sockets, empty out my creams/spray hairspray onto the carpet.
Theres a little boy across the gardens from us (definitely younger than my son) but was hoping they could be friends (no other young kids here) but when they are both out in their own garden my son just throws stones at him Blush (obviously he is taken in straight away)
If I let him play out the front he will run off, I've found him 15 minutes away beside the main road before (doesn't give a shit) will run across roads, run into people's gardens. No pushiment works believe me I've tried them all. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my third and struggling, my relationship is struggling as my partner (not his dad) can't understand why my son can't understand to behave. Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
dancinfeet · 13/07/2018 08:21

with regard to the running off, can you emphasise about how this is not how 'big boys' behave?

My two children are teenagers now, but my eldest was 4 and was one term away from starting school when my youngest was born, and I also work with children so have dealt with lots of different types of behaviour over the years.

I have found that children who are in the last stages of pre-school often are desperate to be like other 'big girls and boys' that they see. If it's the case, then this can be used to help weed out certain behaviours (taking into account reasonable expectation of them, since they are only four after all!). For example, when my eldest used to run off if we went out I would tell her that 'only big girls get to walk by themselves' so if she wasn't going to behave like a 'big girl' (i.e. by running off) then she would have to walk and hold my hand or the pram. If the behaviour deteriorated further into a tantrum, I would tell her that she will need reins / wrist strap like a baby, because she is behaving like one. (and only on a couple of occasions did this continue to the point where we actually got the wrist strap out and used it so that she had to walk with me. Good behaviour constantly reinforced with praise such as "well done, you're walking nicely by yourself, just like that big girl over there" (whilst pointing out an 8 year old, or something!). Just to make it clear, it's not about using threats, such as 'stop that or I'll use the reins" more about laying out your expectations (and consequences if he doesn't behave) before you set off.

Can you also use a similar tactic for the garden? (only big boys are allowed outside in the garden without their mummies / little boys need mummy outside to watch them / oh dear mummy can't come out right now so you will have to come in if you throw stones as that's what babies do - because they don't know that throwing stones can hurt someone) .
I still use this tactic now (to some degree) in my dance classes as they all want to be like the big girls and boys in the next class up. It's very helpful for teaching the children not to swing on ballet barres or run about when they should be listening, or whining (seems to be a thing for some children in Reception / Year 1 still). I usually ask the child if they have come to the wrong dance class today, because only children in my tots class do that (whatever it is I don't want them to do).

The really really important thing though, is not use a negative tone or make direct remarks like 'you are being a baby, stop that' or 'only babies do that'. Instead, a calm, no nonsense ' you'll have to come inside right now if you don't want to play nicely by yourself like a big boy'. By using the words 'if you don't want to' it makes the child realise that they are making a choice about their behaviour (as opposed to saying 'if you can't play nicely' which implies that it's beyond their control). And if they don't comply, follow through, either bring him inside (without showing anger - I get it, I was often seething with my eldest when she played up) and perhaps tell him 'maybe tomorrow you can go out and play by yourself like a big boy' or go sit outside with him and supervise 'because little boys need mummy to watch and make sure that they don't throw stones and hurt someone'. (again reinforcing to him the reason why we don't throw stones).
Also, show him all the things he can do that his sister can't - such as helping to put cutlery away in the drawer (babies might hurt themselves so sister can't help), do colouring at the table (babies put crayons in their mouths so sister has to play with the baby toys), go to big school (sister is too little, she'd cry for mummy, and would miss out on doing all of the fun things you get to do at big school!). Put a positive spin on everything he can do, that his sister can't yet, and get him to think that you really want to treat him differently to his sister because he is a big boy and capable of doing all these things.

It sounds like that he is bored, ready for school and attention seeking to try and get your undivided attention, which is normal. I'm sure that with lots of praise and positive reinforcement he will outgrow the behaviour once he is settled at school.

dancinfeet · 13/07/2018 08:26

And just to add as well that constant reminders that you love him (whatever his choice of behaviour that day) and give him lots of cuddles too

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/07/2018 08:31

Sounds like he is feeling very angry and pushed out. Does he know your partner isn't his dad? What's their relationship like?

nutbrownhare15 · 13/07/2018 09:02

I'd agree with PP that he is probably feeling left out and jealous of his sister. So the things to focus on are 1-1 connection and trying to understand how he is feeling inside. I wouldn't recommend ignoring 'bad' behaviour, you need to talk to him about why he did what he did and get to the feelings underneath so you can show you understand. This article shows how www.ahaparenting.com/blog/The_Best_Way_to_Stop_Sibling_Violence I really rate the website in general, they have a section on toddlers and preschoolers on the header bar, and this is the section on discipline www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/Discipline She's also written a book called Calm Parents Happy Siblings which will be my bible if I have a second.

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