Don't want to return to work

[Workshy666]

DS is nearly 2. I've been having a ball with him since he arrived. He's an easy child, we have a brilliant setup with local friends and playgroups and toddler classes. I absolutely adore helping him climb the couch a million times a day, making Lego tunnels for his "aermonpane" to fly through, talking about capatillers and wobble wobble butemfies, poking sticks into drains, solemnly watching the washingsheem go roundanround, stomping puddles, etc.

It's the first thing I've ever done in my life that I've really enjoyed and felt reasonably OK at (though I do realise I've been lucky with the kid and his loveliness isn't really about my parenting). I'm 42, so that's a lot of my life where I've been dragging myself through uni and career and non-career jobs that I've mostly really not enjoyed much, out of a sense of obligation and "this is what it's like being an adult, life's not about enjoyment". I don't want to stop. Even a part time job is going to halve the time I could spend with DS while he's little - say a 20 hour job would require 25+ hours' care, probably over three days...

We can afford me not returning to work. But I feel incredibly guilty as pretty much everyone we know has both parents working, and there are plenty of comments from friends, grandparents, DH's colleagues, about it being harder to return to work once you've been out for too many years when they're at school, about me "not contributing to society" because I don't work, about me "throwing away my career" and "letting my mind go to waste", etc.

I absolutely don't think I'm letting my mind go to waste or failing to contribute to society. Parental care of little children is hardly a waste of time and effort, particularly when it's working as well as it does for us. But I do recognise that it will be very, very hard indeed to get a job when I'm close to 50 and have been out of the workforce for nearly a decade. I also realise that my pension provision isn't perfect and that I'm currently financially dependent on DH.

We have a good relationship and this setup works well for us, so a split isn't likely, but if we did split we're reasonably financially comfortable/cushioned. This cushioning is the result of me spending 20 years in uni and a job I didn't really like, doing nothing but work because I was too depressed to enjoy anything else.

AIBU to continue to have fun with DS while he's little and worry about jobs later? Or am I being irresponsible?

It sounds like you're really enjoying being a stay at home Mum. If you can afford for it to continue and you're both happy then why change.
As for other people making comments, that's up to them. I usually nod, agree and then do what I want anyway

I agree with the pp! The only person who needs to be on board with your decision/desire to stay at home, is your husband. Everyone else can bugger off with their opinions! Sounds like you're having the time of your life with your precious little boy, and why shouldn't you stay home and enjoy every minute?

The people who are scathing of sahms either couldn't do it themselves because they find it too difficult and need time to themselves (which is fair enough, but makes them feel guilty), or would love to do it but can't afford it. Usually ime, people who are happy with their own choices respect the choices of other people.

Nothing wrong with waiting till they start school to go back to work.
If you can afford it and you enjoy it, why not?

Why don't you do a bit of both and try find a job that you do like? If you don't have the pressure of having to work, you can take time to find something that is right for you. It would have significant impact to take a big chunk of time out now and from your post, you know that and are obviously worried about it. That being said, the only people that matter in this decision making are you, your husband and DS. Comments from others are irrelevant.

OP It's your life and you have every right to enjoy it. Don't listen to anyone else's opinion on the matter. Raising a child is a valuable way to spend your time.

It's your life and the only person that needs to agree is your DH. But the people that say it's much harder to get back into a career after too many years out are absolutely right. So think long-term as well as short-term. Because down the line, lots of women find themselves missing the power that being able to earn a decent living provides.

OP, why do you have to live your life by other people's rules. What's this about not contributing to society? What the hell are you supposed to be contributing that is more important than your child?

You, your child and your husband are happy and not harming anyone. Bringing up a happy human being is the major contribution.

You lucky duck. Stay at home of course you must while you are enjoying it.
When he starts school you might get a bit lost and lonely so my advice would be keep your fingers on the pulse.
I think all parents should be allowed to enjoy their children.

Continue doing what you are doing. You sound totally delightful.

If you can comfortably afford it then stay off until he goes to school, though I will always, always, tell friends never, ever rely on someone else’s money because you never know what’s round the corner.

Sounds so lovely! Definitely stay at home if you enjoy it. Everyone used to get me so wound up about not being able to get back into work after 5 years at home with DC, but I got the first job I applied for when I decided I wanted to go back and never regretted it. So many employers do value time spent as SAHPs.

This is a lovely post. You should absolutely stay with him whilst he's little. Neither of you will get this time back again. It's so precious. I was a stay at home Mum for 12 yrs (3 children). I have only just returned to work in the last year. I don't regret that in the slightest. I loved being with them, and was able to be there for every milestone. I wanted to be the one to guide them through everything in those first few formative years. I didn't want to hand over all those incredibly special moments to someone I / they didn't know.
Keep enjoying this time op. You won't regret it.

You sound as if you are having a wonderful time with your child, you've studied and worked for a very long time so you are hardly taking the easy path, plus you've saved enough financially from all your efforts to afford this time.

I'm usually hesitant in the career abandoning by young women, but you have invested in yourself and worked hard to get to where you are, definitely enjoy it. Plus with your years of experience (and no hesitation from an employer that you are going to keep having children and time out for the next decade), if you do decide you would like to work again when your family is a little older, I don't think you will have a problem doing this.

I'm sure your child will treasure this time too.

Enjoy it, you deserve it, it sounds lovely for you both and it's lovely to hear of a parent appreciating this time:)

You can't win either way - I work full time and Dd is 2, and the comments I get revolve around missing out, and leaving them in day care at such a wrong age is wrong! However if I hadn't of returned to work I know this would have been questioned as well!

So do what works for you and ignore what other people say. They are little for such a short period of time and I would love to be at home more, but financially we can't afford it.

YANBU if you can afford it do it. Best thing for your DD too.

Gosh that’s so nice you enjoy it

I was all set to send a sanctimonious post abiut pensions tax and such

But life is for living

If your husband is agreeable and as you say, you can afford it, please do it, and don't feel guilty, you are lucky to be doing something you enjoy so much! Anyhow, unless you think you want to home educate him, your DS will be off to school soon enough and then you'll be able to look for something part-time that will fit in with his hours. Or, perhaps you have found yourself a new vocation, and you might be able to change course and work with nursery-age children?

First of all, you sound like a fantastic mum. My own childhood is tinged with exactly the same memories of my mum. Papier mache, dens in the garden, planting flowers....anything and everything to do with play, fun and nurture. It is what has made me feel just like you.

After the birth of my second child I decided I couldn't do full time anymore. I now work 3 days a week from home, term time only and actually I'm about to go on maternity leave and my plan is to become a childminder, because like you I enjoy spending time with children, I want to help them learn and grow and I don't want to miss out on the important things. In my case I can't afford not to work. I hope that by continuing to work in this capacity and running a business I can demonstrate to the working world what I am capable of, for when I do return to the workplace when my children have grown up. My current set up has given us an amazing work life balance.

All I can say is don't rule anything out. Just because you decide today that you don't want to return doesn't mean if something exceptional comes along you can't go for it. I'm currently working in technology of the future and what is apparent to me is how much jobs are changing and the sorts of roles companies are recruiting for. When you return that may be your challenge - jobs that are more technical (maybe you already have a technical background) and focused around technology and innovation. My plan is to keep my toes dipped in by doing various training and learning valuable skills (eg I'm currently building my own website). I hope that between this and running my own business I will make myself more appealing. Is this something you might like to think about doing?

Personally I think that children aren't little for long and that if you enjoy being at home with them and you can afford it and you want to be around, then why shouldn't you! We only live once and you need to do what makes you happy.

I stayed home or worked very part time when mine were under 5 and loved it. I didn’t have trouble getting back to work in between and once they were all school age. I sometimes think that’s used as a frightener. Unless you have a career you need to keep up to date with I don’t think it hurts being home while children are little.

Im usually part of the back to work choir, but in your case I would say stay home. Maybe retrain when dc get to school age. Also really have a good think about future career and find something that makes you happy. Perhaps invest in some coaching?

Stay at home with him but maybe start thinking about doing something when he goes to school maybe? I’m on mat leave atm and not planning to return, my DD is the baby I thought I’d never be able to have so I’m not missing out on her growing up, I think it’s a bit different if you’re older too as you don’t necessarily have years of career left after the DC are at school-if I was in my 20’s/30’s it might be different. Having said that I am starting up a little business, never going to make s fortune but I’m hoping it’ll beat a local part time job money wise.

I would stay at home as you were having so much fun. If you get chance though do something like a college course one day a week. After 4 years of hungry caterpillar and night garden my brain had turned to blancmange.

YANBU and don't need to justify yourself to anyone as long as DP is happy too. You sound like a lovely Mum and your DS is very lucky

I am/was in exactly the same position as you. I took the view that I had waited a long time for my child and that I was going to enjoy every last minute.
I started a little job when I was about 55 that was very loosely similar to what my career was about, think transferable skills. The little job has grown and now I have a new career.
I did a few temp jobs when she started school mainly seasonal, just to stay in touch with the world of work and then looked for more when I was ready.

I was at home with my boys for 7 years and I don't regret a single minute of it. Once you're finally back at work, whenever that may be, you'll soon be caught up in the day to day monotony of it all. My advice would be, as long as you're ok financially, do what you feel is best for you and your child. They are only little for such a short time and they are such precious years. No way could I have put my children in childcare when they were small, that was my personal decision and I don't judge others who make different choices.