Don't want to return to work

[Workshy666]

DS is nearly 2. I've been having a ball with him since he arrived. He's an easy child, we have a brilliant setup with local friends and playgroups and toddler classes. I absolutely adore helping him climb the couch a million times a day, making Lego tunnels for his "aermonpane" to fly through, talking about capatillers and wobble wobble butemfies, poking sticks into drains, solemnly watching the washingsheem go roundanround, stomping puddles, etc.

It's the first thing I've ever done in my life that I've really enjoyed and felt reasonably OK at (though I do realise I've been lucky with the kid and his loveliness isn't really about my parenting). I'm 42, so that's a lot of my life where I've been dragging myself through uni and career and non-career jobs that I've mostly really not enjoyed much, out of a sense of obligation and "this is what it's like being an adult, life's not about enjoyment". I don't want to stop. Even a part time job is going to halve the time I could spend with DS while he's little - say a 20 hour job would require 25+ hours' care, probably over three days...

We can afford me not returning to work. But I feel incredibly guilty as pretty much everyone we know has both parents working, and there are plenty of comments from friends, grandparents, DH's colleagues, about it being harder to return to work once you've been out for too many years when they're at school, about me "not contributing to society" because I don't work, about me "throwing away my career" and "letting my mind go to waste", etc.

I absolutely don't think I'm letting my mind go to waste or failing to contribute to society. Parental care of little children is hardly a waste of time and effort, particularly when it's working as well as it does for us. But I do recognise that it will be very, very hard indeed to get a job when I'm close to 50 and have been out of the workforce for nearly a decade. I also realise that my pension provision isn't perfect and that I'm currently financially dependent on DH.

We have a good relationship and this setup works well for us, so a split isn't likely, but if we did split we're reasonably financially comfortable/cushioned. This cushioning is the result of me spending 20 years in uni and a job I didn't really like, doing nothing but work because I was too depressed to enjoy anything else.

AIBU to continue to have fun with DS while he's little and worry about jobs later? Or am I being irresponsible?

We can afford me not returning to work.

YANBU, as long as your OH is in agreement.

I missed out on my first 4 children - from 6 months with each I went back to work (I was lucky, My lovely mum had all of them for me and she thoroughly enjoyed it) I stayed at home with 5th and 6th and I haven't gone back to work since. I Loved being a sahm - they are all at school now but I don't know how I ever fitted work in, I just don't know how or why I did it - If you can afford not to work and you don't want to work then why on earth would you even consider going back?

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM but you totally are. Do it! I went back to work when my youngest started school and now have an interesting, fulfilling job - it is possible even after several years out.

I think you should consider doing something - re-training, volunteering, part time. It’s good for her to go to nursery, it’s good for you to have options.
I’ve seen too many people really enjoying being a sahm and then fall into an incredibly deep black hole once the kids started school (these were the lucky ones - they were able to recover reasonably well, but it was very painful), or onne the children were more independent (around 9 or 10). time flies, start now to set something up you enjoy to be ready for them not needing you that much anymore. It’s better for you and her.

The only concerning thing is why your y stayed in a job you hated for 20 years. Why didn't you leave and transfer to something else?

I do think working and having your own life separate from your DC sets a good example for them too though.

DC have a way of growing up into ungrateful and demanding teens, who then leave the nest (without a second glance).

Enjoy your SAHP years, but make sure you have retained your identity and still have your own life independent of them.

Do it! It was the best thing I ever did.

A few years at home won't make much of a difference.

Do what works for you, your child and your husband and ignore the criticism, jealousy and 'brain to mush' nonsense. I learnt a myriad of new things as I navigated through the worlds my children became interested in and widened my knowledge if anything. There are lots of museums and books I wouldn't have been exposed to without their thirst for answers! I did volunteer for a lot of different organisations once they were all in school, and walked into a job I chose once I was ready, albeit a very small, but very flexible local job.

If you are all happy, then do it! I hated my full on 'big London job' and after my fourth stopped completely (having done FT, PT, WFH etc on the way to stopping) and the only thing I miss (sometimes) is my big London salary. I have a small PT job now, and may do more once my children are all in secondary school, but for now, I love my life and the balance I have, and the whole family is happier, calmer, better fed etc than when I was concentrating on climbing the career ladder.

Do what you want to do. If you can afford not to work and this is something you and DH are in agreement about, then it's not really any one else's business is it?!

I worked full time from when DS1 was 6 months old and I hated it. When I had DS2, I was redeployed into a part time role working evenings which allowed me to be home during the day with my boys. I couldn't afford to not work and so this was the best of both worlds.

My boys are now 3 and 5 and I am going back full time soon. Personally, I don't feel like my boys need me to be there in the day anymore. DS1 is in school. DS2 starts nursery at school in September. I am being driven by the fact I work evenings though, so I feel like I need to be home in the evenings, not the day now.

You've really only got 2 years until your DC starts school. Perhaps use this time to look into jobs and careers you actually enjoy and look into retraining when your child goes to school or finding something that could work around the school day.

I do believe it is important to have something as a mother that is something for you as a person, rather than just mum. For a lot of women that is work. But it can also be other things like hobbies, volunteering etc. When your child goes to school, it will free up a lot of your time and you may feel lost without them. So make sure you still have something rewarding and fulfilling in your life as well as being a mum for you. Like I said, doesn't have to mean work although for some women it it.

Op as soon as my dh gets a decent job im leaving my job. I hate being apart from my ds.

Why don't you do a bit of both and try find a job that you do like? If you don't have the pressure of having to work, you can take time to find something that is right for you. It would have significant impact to take a big chunk of time out now and from your post, you know that and are obviously worried about it. That being said, the only people that matter in this decision making are you, your husband and DS. Comments from others are irrelevant

This is totally on the ball. And as said above you sound lovely OP! By the way given your description of how the two of you play Id suggest childcare as an option for employment. And I know what you mean, I went through years in the 'wrong' job and study. If I could do-over I don't know if I would as the money was good, but now I'm looking into a different career for when everyone is older

There are loads of SAHMs: it’s not an unusual choice. Are you already a SAHM, or on a career break with the option to return to your employer?

The main risks of SAH are to your personal finances - including long term, eg pension, and earning ability. Eg only being able to get much lower paid work than before. At any time you or your H may change their mind about the setup and you may need to seek paid work.

even though much of the time I don’t like working much either, I would never want to be financially dependent.

A high proportion of people don’t like their jobs.

Much depends on how high a priority you think economic independence is vs other things.

You talk about “we” in the event of divorce: do you mean you and DS? Your H would still have his earning power. Laws may well become less favourable towards the lower/non earner.

There is only one message for anyone who judges you for your choices and it is this video.

It doesn't get old. I am a SAHM and have been for over a decade. It works for our family, my sister works full time, that works for her family. Neither is right, there is no right or wrong. It is based on a personal set of circumstances.

It's only a few years, not a lot in a lifelong career. Employers who are reluctant to accept career breaks are stuck in the past.

You are a woman so, unfortunately, your choices will always be judged. Practise "fuck it" therapy and don't let the comments get to you.

We can afford me not returning to work

Why are you going back then? Just because other people are, that is not a reason for you to go back to work.

You are making a huge contribution already to society by raising your children, you should not feel guilty that you are not doing enough! You are already doing more than enough.

Enjoy your children if you can afford to, you will have years and years (as in decades) ahead of you to work when he is older and much independent.

Best thing I ever did was stay at home, it was the most fulfilling time of my life too. I very much doubt you will regret it!

I lost both my parents in their fifties through illness. Life is short. Enjoy!

No one ever on their death bed said I regret spending too much time with my children.

The years with your ds are the most precious, and my children are older now and I still look back and consider that to be the golden time of our lives. Little children are particularly magical, make the most of it op. Treasure every last moment.

That’s simplistic and trite. WoH parents spend time with DC too.

“We can afford for me not to work”. There is no “we” if you split up, which 50% of couples do. And medium and long term finances, especially your pension, need to be considered too.

I'd ignore what others say and focus on how you feel. You could just play it by ear and see how you feel e.g. at school age, if you want to do something else for yourself. Things change with time. maybe just go with the flow! Enjoy

What a lovely, positive thread. I'm getting a bit choked up from all the posters saying how important this stage of life is for little children and how many happy memories they have of this stage of their children's lives.

I've been home with my DC since the eldest was born (now aged 6 and youngest is 3) and it wasn't by choice initially. We had moved abroad and I didn't have a visa to work but for the past 2 years it's been by choice of a sort. It feels like the DC need me around as we are abroad with no extended family in a work environment where people put in long hours with very little flexibility. If I worked like DH, it would be a situation where the DC are in daycare from 8-6 every day, or longer and we would both be exhausted on weekends. I just don't see the point when the DC enjoy having time with me, I'm happy with them and money is irrelevant.

If I went back to work tomorrow, my entire annual take-home pay would be the same as one of DH's quarterly bonuses so it would be financially meaningless for us. Even for me as an individual, we're in a high cost-of-living area so if DH left me and I had to pay all the bills myself, I'd probably have to move out of the area to get by anyway.

If you enjoy being a SAHP then there is no harm in it, OP. I am worried too that no-one will ever employ me again but if you keep in touch with working life in some way, through volunteering or studying, you should be fine. Good luck!

Follow your heart.

I ditched my career when my kids came along.

It's been life changing.

I wouldn't be in the fantastic position I am atm if I had not taken a leap of faith.
Now in my 50s, run a small business from home, I work part time, I earn more than my OH.

If you want to stay at home, stay at home, you'll never get this time back.

Personally I couldn't wait to get back to work, albeit only part time but our set up worked for us as grandparents and DH had the DCs the days I worked.

Everyone is different though, enjoy your time with him

I stopped full time work when my eldest was born - he's now 15.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Do what works for you and for your family. I've been working for myself at home for about 12 years now, the set-up works for us, it's part time and flexible and I can't see myself ever going back to a regular 9-5 job. (And it's proper work, not MLM shite).

Children are little for such a small time. I also love spending time with my children and I'm on countdown to school breaking up in a few weeks time.
Even when he goes to school you don't need to go back to work, you can easily fill your time by volunteering, that will keep your mind active and contribute to society.
I work part time but only during school hours. I only ever sent my children to pre school for 2 mornings a week so they could get used to the idea of being away from family. Some people told me they were missing out on that early learning but as one is now a junior and at the top of the class.
Do what makes you and your family happy.