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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate toddler bedtime so much I feel like crawling out of my own skin (or the window) to get away from it?

69 replies

Inkstainedmags · 11/07/2018 21:11

Sometimes I love the snuggles and intimacy of it with an equally strong feeling but right now bedtime is killing me. DS (2) isn't even that bad, he just wants to talk to me and drag all of his stuffies out of their basket and read 4000 books and have another drink and use the potty and read 4000 more books and... you know. He used to be asleep by 7 but now it's 8/8:30.

It's just that at the end of a long day I'm desperate for a little headspace and body space (three months out from breastfeeding he seems to be getting more obsessed with my breasts than ever) so when bedtime stretches out to 2 hours I feel like jumping out a window or shutting him in his room and letting him cry until he collapses.

Then, when he does fall asleep I come downstairs and hate myself for my impatience and the body language I know he witnesses when I'm frustrated.

Does anyone consistently love bedtime and do you have any tips for changing my attitude to it or do I just have to grit my teeth until he's old enough to take himself to bed?

OP posts:
mrsmeee · 11/07/2018 21:12

Teach him to self settle. He is 2.
Or put up with it without complaint.

toolonglurking · 11/07/2018 21:17

I've just spent the last three hours pinballing between DS(2) and DD(3 months) and all I want to do is watch crap TV and eat a bloody ice cream!
I feel your pain!

Original poster
Inkstainedmags · 11/07/2018 21:22

@toolonglurking Solidarity fist bump and Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
Inkstainedmags · 11/07/2018 21:26

@mrsmeee Thing is, he's quite good at self settling through the night but we can't seem to sort bedtime. We don't want to try any of the cry it out methods.

OP posts:
StarShapedWindow · 11/07/2018 21:26

That sounds so hard. Could you keep him up for longer and let him pick one book, read it and go? Then when he cries go back in and settle him however many times until he drifts off?

kaytee87 · 11/07/2018 21:29

Could it be time to drop his nap?
Otherwise just be firm and tell him it's bedtime. If he whinges for 10 minutes then so be it.

Ketayuzu · 11/07/2018 21:33

Oh ignore mrsmee. Yeah its that simple... Hmm
We have the same problem. But when I've really reached the end of my tether DD starts asking for daddy... which by that point I race to go get him. She seems to be happier letting him go after a story than me.
No suggestions, just maybe be a bit firmer and set out/ agree before what books you'll read before you start #1? And then stick to it. Thats the hardest part!

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 11/07/2018 21:38

Stuff that worked here: being really clear and consistent on boundaries (2 stories, tucking in time is 1930 come what may), star chart for putting on own PJs quickly and quietly, being clear after a few returns that we were going downstairs and wouldn't come back. And dropping the nap.

Hortonlovesahoo · 11/07/2018 21:38

No real guidance but I feel your pain. We’re currently going through a growth spurt with our DD and her bedtimes have gone out the window lately.

spotspot · 11/07/2018 21:39

I feel your pain. My DD is same age and doing exact same thing. She used to self settle so happily (and actually preferred me to leave the room before she fell asleep. She'd get annoyed if I hung about too long). Now, it's exactly as you describe and totally doing my head in.

I'm not averse to controlled crying (not cry it out) but it's not suitable for my DD right now as I think the bedtime issue is a little bit to do with a separation anxiety resurgence.

One thing that has helped massively the last few nights is sitting next to her cot but not actively engaging with her. She knows I'm there and not leaving, I will pass her things she definitely wants but I'm not chatting or interacting with her or getting involved in too much rigmarole. There's been no tears and she's laid down and gone to sleep so much quicker. Worth a try?

Zebrasinpyjamas · 11/07/2018 21:41

The only thing that worked here at a similar age was to reduce the lunchtime nap to a max of 1 hr and drop it completely at 2.5 yrs old. Bedtime was then a joy (until he turned 4 and isn't tired again 😴😴).

londonrach · 11/07/2018 21:43

Its the heat. Dd (similar age aged 2) has recently changed bedtime from 8.15 to last night 10. Shes not unusual in her friendship group of similar age. We the mums are all moaning!

OhHolyJesus · 11/07/2018 21:44

Bedtime has got later and later here OP with DS 2.5yo so I feel your pain. It's also around 8/8.30 because he tells me detailed and convoluted stories that go on and on.

The only this I console myself with is the fact he wakes around 7/7.30 and is happy to be left for about half an hour so I tell myself once I'm done I have 12 whole hours.

Also I tell myself "be their calm, don't join their chaos" and be firm about stories ending at 8 on the dot!

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 11/07/2018 21:44

7pm might be too early for his bedtime. My 2 year old goes to bed at 8 but is often babbling to himself happily until 9. He wakes up naturally between half 6 and 7am

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 11/07/2018 21:45

Literally don’t know why the fuck some people reply to these threads if they’ve not got anything constructive or sympathetic to offer. Anyway...

OP I feel your pain. DD 19 months has gone from happily having a couple of books before rolling over to sleep, to now running around like a loon for 2 hours, refusing to even sit still, let alone sleep.

Is he still napping? For how long? DD definitely goes to bed sooner if I limit her nap to 45 minutes. Is it just you putting her to bed? I also think DD is already canny enough to play DH and I off one another if it enables her to string it out a bit longer. She goes to bed sooner if it’s only one of us doing bedtime.

Namechange128 · 11/07/2018 21:46

There's a good gentle but helpful book called the No Cry Toddler Sleep Solution. It's not rocket science but has some good tips for getting a good routine that works for you and your child. It's a good age to start being gentle but firm, or it only gets harder as they head towards 3.

LampHat · 11/07/2018 21:47

Ah I feel your pain! We found limiting DS’s nap to 30 mins worked like magic. He went from taking 2 hours to get down to about 10 mins. Life changing!

Marmite27 · 11/07/2018 21:47

We had this a few weeks ago. DC1 got a bit more leeway for longer than usual due to the arrival of her new sibling.

11 weeks in and I was over it. She used to self settle but it went out the window Granny came I visit and a jolt out of the usual routine got her to tell us she thought there were ghosts in her room.

I happened to have an empty travel spray bottle in the cupboard, some water and a few drops of baby olbas and she had a ghost spray.

She went to sleep clutching it for a few days. But now it’s enough to know it’s there. It was also when it was really hot, so her spraying herself with water probably helped with that.

Could you have a chat to see if something similar is bothering him.

Good luck, it was horrendous at our house for a good few months, throw in mummy in hospital for 11 days, post natal hormones and a sick baby sib we were all on our knees. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster
Inkstainedmags · 11/07/2018 21:48

Thank you for your advice, folks.

window I do think it's time for us to just start gently but firmly extracting ourselves from the ritual. I only ever read him 4 books but he keeps asking and asking and asking. I guess I need to find the strength to stick with the process.

kaytee lalalala I can't hear you. I have wondered whether naptime is ending but that window of head space during the day keeps me sane.

ketayuzu thank you - I self-censored my first response to mrsmeee but yes it's a bit more complicated isn't it?

You're all right. It's time to start setting new boundaries around bedtime.

OP posts:
Kokapetl · 11/07/2018 21:49

He is probably old enough to respond to a more disciplined bedtime. It may seem a bit mean but it doesn't sound like the way it is now is working for you.

Decide on some sensible rules, as others have said and maybe implement some kind of reward/penalty system (we have beads in a jar and when the jar is full they get a cbeebies magazine or other small toy, they gain beads for good things and lose them for bad). You could also get a Gro clock if you haven't got one then if the stars on he has to be quiet or loses the reward. If he can self settle during the night he can probably do it at bedtime too.

WittyJack · 11/07/2018 21:49

Ditto. See also mealtimes - we are down to a menu of about 2 dishes now, despite her eating every last thing at nursery - so that’s more of a nightmare before the bedtime nightmare. You are not alone!

Brummiegirl15 · 11/07/2018 21:50

2.5 yr old and a boob obsessed 8 month old. I literally feel your pain.

I have no space or time to myself whatsoever, it's tough.

Solidarity and wine

QueenOfMyWorld · 11/07/2018 21:50

We just kiss and hug goodnight and go,have been doing since 1 yr old,ds is now 4

WittyJack · 11/07/2018 21:51

Also I assume mrsmee has a magic solution that works on all toddlers. She must be a gazilllionaire by now Hmm

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 11/07/2018 21:52

I do find that it really helps me to enjoy bedtime and the cuddles when I know that I will be walking downstairs by a fixed time. It's really worth being gentle but firm and consistent about when stories, cuddles etc are over and it's time to be quiet, IME.

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