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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being harsh on DD?

74 replies

Notss · 11/07/2018 16:16

Hi... another school based one I’m afraid - there seem to be a lot of these recently.

DD (12) got home from school about an hour ago with a face like thunder; so I asked her what was wrong. She told me that a teacher told her off for asking if she could move desks as hers was wobbly (one leg shorter than the others by the sound of it.)

I thought this sounded a bit harsh; but on further probing it turned out to have happened in an end of year exam, and she admitted to asking four times before the teacher got annoyed with her. I told her that it was no wonder she was told off for asking the same question four times!

After that she decided to sit on the couch and sulk. I tried ask her about what she wanted for dinner (we get “payday takeout” on the 11th), but she was still sulking and replied with a grumpy “dunno”. At this I sent her to her room and told her to come down when she felt like having a civilised conversation; and if she hadn’t stopped sulking by the time we had decided what to have for dinner she might not get a say in it.

Just as she was stropping up the stairs, DH comes through the front door; and first thing he asks is “what’s wrong with DD?”. So I explained the situation; and she says I’m being a little harsh on her as “she only wanted a bit of sympathy off her mum.”

So good people of mn, am I being harsh?

Sorry for typos by the way as I’m on my phone!

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 11/07/2018 16:20

Sounds like typical teenager behaviour. Agree with your DH - you could have been more supportive. If you'd just ignored the sulky behaviour she'd probably have snapped out of it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/07/2018 16:21

I do think you were a bit harsh, she's just sulking and I would have left her too that. Sending her to her room suggests to her that she's done something wrong and I don't think she has. She's sulking all teenagers do it.

Next time I'd just let her get on with it, ignore it until she's stopped.

spanishwife · 11/07/2018 16:23

I think your DH is right.

You sound like my mum! Sometimes I just wanted a good old moan and a cuddle, I didn't need to be told I was wrong again or be given a solution.

It was not something that could have been fixed, or would likely happen again, so next time, just humour her, give her a cuddle and say 'arhh how annoying!!' and change the conversation.

squeelof1 · 11/07/2018 16:23

Hi, well she was asking for a better desk for some more comfort as when you have a wobbly desk you could suddenly jolt and mess up your work etc, and the teacher I'm surprised didn't just move her quietly and quickly deal with her so she could finish it to the best of her ability in a more comfortable writing space.

As well as I'd think a mum would be a little more understanding from their kids POV and think bad of the teacher for ignoring their child's request.

Enko · 11/07/2018 16:24

I don't think you were harsh op. During an exam she should have stopped after first time she asked and got told no. To take it out on people at home is not good. You simply told her to go upstairs and behave properly when around the rest of you.

I would (and have in the past) done similar with mine. (youngest is 14)

Trinity66 · 11/07/2018 16:28

A little bit harsh, I mean tbf I could see why your DD would want to move from a wobbly desk for her exam, that must have been annoying for her but also i can see the teachers side if she's got kids annoying her in the exam constantly, I can see why she might have snapped a bit too

TakeMeToKernow · 11/07/2018 16:32

I’ve been wondering how we'll approach this when the time comes... ours are (almost) 12, 10 and 10 and repeating questions and sulking are both (lightly) punishable offences in our house. I’d been wondering if we’d need to start altering tolerances as they move into being teenagers if your DD was 11, I’d be voting YANBU, but I don’t think I’m qualified just yet for the teenager category.

elephantoverthehill · 11/07/2018 16:34

A folded up piece of paper usually does the trick. Just a tip to pass on.

Original poster

Notss · 11/07/2018 16:39

Thanks for the replies peeps.

I suppose I might have been being a little harsh, sending her to her room; but sulking is my pet peeve.

I can see why a wobbly desk would be annoying, but if it was a formal exam in the hall I can also see why they might not have wanted to disrupt it by having her move desk or might not have had paper lying about to put under the leg.

I’m sure she’ll come down when she hears us loudly discussing pizza toppings!

OP posts:

bellinisurge · 11/07/2018 16:40

Doesn't sound harsh to me. This weather is making us all a bit grumpy. A wobbly desk is annoying but so is disrupting an exam. Without cctv we don't know how she asked or how the teacher responded. And yes, a folded bit of paper would've sorted it.

Mosaic123 · 11/07/2018 16:43

She might not have had access to spare paper during an exam and it would be difficult to place the paper under the desk leg without getting up.

I can see why she was a bit upset.

upsideup · 11/07/2018 16:52

Shes upset because she didnt do as well as she could have done during the exam, she needed your support not punishment.
If the table rocked everytime she moved the pen thats going to distract her, if it was a serious exam the kids should have had flat tables.
I would have just said that must of been annoying and the teacher should have tried to help but not to worry about how she did now.

Angelil · 11/07/2018 16:55

There is always access to spare paper in an exam.
Sounds like she needed to take some initiative.
Not sure I would have sent her to her room though but understand why you snapped and did. We are all only human!

Meeep · 11/07/2018 16:56

I'm with your DH.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 16:58

You have been too harsh imo. It sounds as if your dd wanted to do well in her exam. Exams can be pretty stressy even without a wobbly table. She was hot and bothered and the teacher didn’t or couldn’t help her out. In her place I would have been annoyed and I’d definitely cut your dd some slack for being cross. It’s the classic it’s not fair, surely? Except it wasn’t fair. Wobbly tables shouldn’t be used.

Your pet peeve is sulking. What’s your dds pet peeve? I would have thought helping your dd to overcome sulking would work better than getting pissed off about it. What did your dd want from you? Comfort or permission to go and sort her head out?

elephantoverthehill · 11/07/2018 16:58

I think the invigilator should have taken the initiative, but your Dd could have suggested it.

Notthatwomanagain · 11/07/2018 16:59

Def harsh!
Id have asked to move too and I think that was really bad of school not to deal with it

Why couldn’t you just say to her aw yep sounds rotten poor you and give her a cuddle

You sound a big mean to me

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 11/07/2018 17:00

Ah, go up to her OP tell her you're 'sorry for being grumpy, she's had a rubbish day (worry about exam?) what sort of topping does she want?'

Kiss, cuddle, make friends.
Go on.

Trytowin · 11/07/2018 17:01

The teacher could have used the folded bit of paper! Why is it all on the girl who could be accused to cheating if she moved/leaned over fiddling with the desk. Poor show from the teachers and actually I would be bloody annoyed too. Deffo too harsh.

Cadencia · 11/07/2018 17:01

I agree with pp that she just wanted a moan and a cuddle after a bad day. Go and give her a hug OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 17:02

^^I double dare you to do that.

SlowDown76mph · 11/07/2018 17:03

Erm, your daughter was assertive enough to point out the issue with the desk. The invigilator should have had a protocol in place to deal with it. It is really distracting and difficult to write on a small table, let alone under exam conditions.

Dancergirl · 11/07/2018 17:03

but sulking is my pet peeve

You're in for a hard time during the teenage years then. They often act like overgrown toddlers, plenty of strops and sulking. Just ignore and offer hugs when they're feeling better.

SlowDown76mph · 11/07/2018 17:03

*small wobbly table

UpTheBumNoBabies · 11/07/2018 17:05

Yanbu. If mine want to have the face on they can go and do it in their rooms!

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