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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being harsh on DD?

74 replies

Notss · 11/07/2018 16:16

Hi... another school based one I’m afraid - there seem to be a lot of these recently.

DD (12) got home from school about an hour ago with a face like thunder; so I asked her what was wrong. She told me that a teacher told her off for asking if she could move desks as hers was wobbly (one leg shorter than the others by the sound of it.)

I thought this sounded a bit harsh; but on further probing it turned out to have happened in an end of year exam, and she admitted to asking four times before the teacher got annoyed with her. I told her that it was no wonder she was told off for asking the same question four times!

After that she decided to sit on the couch and sulk. I tried ask her about what she wanted for dinner (we get “payday takeout” on the 11th), but she was still sulking and replied with a grumpy “dunno”. At this I sent her to her room and told her to come down when she felt like having a civilised conversation; and if she hadn’t stopped sulking by the time we had decided what to have for dinner she might not get a say in it.

Just as she was stropping up the stairs, DH comes through the front door; and first thing he asks is “what’s wrong with DD?”. So I explained the situation; and she says I’m being a little harsh on her as “she only wanted a bit of sympathy off her mum.”

So good people of mn, am I being harsh?

Sorry for typos by the way as I’m on my phone!

OP posts:

YourHandInMyHand · 11/07/2018 17:10

I'm with you OP.

I'd have told my child off for asking a 2nd, 3rd and 4th time in an exam after being told no the first time. Perhaps she went into the exam more stressed than she would have liked to, or was worried etc, but the fact is she spoke out FOUR TIMES during exam conditions and likely distracted the other students.

I also dislike sulkers that want others to suffer their sulky atmosphere, it's not a likeable quality is it.

MMM3 · 11/07/2018 17:12

Sounds like you’re being run through the wringer for acting more like a “dad” than a “mum.” Fortunately, it sounds like your DH is a bit on the sentimental cuddly side. I’m a single parent and was a bit of a daddish mum. I’ve got no real advice, but wanted to say I understand and point out that no one would’ve criticized a father doing exactly the same.

sailorcherries · 11/07/2018 17:13

Why is everyone assuming she is sulking because she feels as though she hasn't done her best?
I read the OP and assumed she was sulking at being told off.

Had she been upset about the former, I'd have been more lenient.
Sulking about being told off, at that age, is a definite up to your room until you're less grumpy. I send my 7 year old DS to his room is he's sulking about a telling off.

Gruffalina72 · 11/07/2018 17:20

She shouldn't have had to ask four times. The teacher should have sorted it out. It's not difficult for them to fold paper up and put it under the offending table leg.

The teacher was out of line, and I'm baffled why your response was to punish your DD instead of supporting her.

RafikiIsTheBest · 11/07/2018 17:21

I'm confused about sending children to their rooms for sulking about being told off. What does this sulking look like? My parents (Dad especially) would yell and yell until you were upset. I know some staff at school tell the children off until they get a reaction like it has effected the child (ie being upset). Is that not just what she was doing, being upset?

A tantrum I can understand, they can do that elsewhere. Sitting their upset with the situation, seems normal after a telling off. Surely you don't tell them off and expect them to bounce back jumping for joy about pizza toppings?

Original poster

Notss · 11/07/2018 17:21

You might not be far off the mark there MMM3... with all of the DCs, my husband and I seem to be the opposite way round to as is stereotypical; he’s certainly much more sentimental and “soft”; while as this thread demonstrates, I seem to be a bit harder on them.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 11/07/2018 17:22

I agree with others you were a bit harsh.

Original poster

Notss · 11/07/2018 17:22

And just to clarify - I didnt tell DD off, I just said “well I can see why the teacher got annoyed if you kept on asking after you were told the answer”.

OP posts:

Stirner · 11/07/2018 17:27

Oh, you're a teacher worshipper. I feel sorry for your kid.

FASH84 · 11/07/2018 17:28

I don't think you were harsh, it was a wobbly desk not a broken arm, she could have folded up some paper under the leg of it bothered her that much. She's interrupted the nearby students four times for something trivial. You've then asked her what she would like for dinner and she was rude. You sent her to her room, she's still welcome to share the takeaway later, she'll get over it. The world doesn't centre around her, but I'm aware at that age she probably feels it does, you just reminded her to get some perspective.

upsideup · 11/07/2018 17:28

no one would’ve criticized a father doing exactly the same.

You might not but I would say exactly the same, I imagine most other people would as well.

DaphneFanshaw · 11/07/2018 17:36

Tbh, I would have criticised a Dad for doing exactly the same.
I feel a bit sorry for your dd, I bet she just needs to vent and have a hug.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 17:36

What a load of tosh about not criticising a father for acting this way. Had my dh spoken this way to dd I totally would have said something. Neither of us are perfect and we both have carte Blanche to call out the others behaviour so it’s not all one sided either.

spanishwife · 11/07/2018 17:38

@stirner

Oh, you're a teacher worshipper. I feel sorry for your kid.

hahaha - my mum was a teacher and it was the WORST. I could never just have a moan!

KittyHawke80 · 11/07/2018 17:40

I don’t think you were the least bit harsh.

speakout · 11/07/2018 17:43

You were very harsh OP.

She had a bad day, it's getting towards the end of term, kids are tired and she had a test.

She told you what was wrong and you showed no empathy.

Kids need empathy even when they know they are in the wrong. ( and she probably did- but really didn't need you piling in too- that is why she reacted as she did)

I told her that it was no wonder she was told off for asking the same question four times!

This is the part where it went off the rails.

Instead I would have said " Sounds like you had a bad day- never mind, it's takeaway night tonight" and given her a hug.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 11/07/2018 17:43

This is where an ‘oh dear never mind’ is excellent

And FWIW I suspect my mum would have been annoyed with the sulk and huffing and puffing and would have reacted similarly - we still like each other

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 17:44

And as for when she did or didn’t start sulking. You said she had a face like thunder. That’s a horrible way to describe your child, who is upset. Did you point that one out to her as well.

I agree with others. You missed a perfect opportunity to just say to her “that sounds tough love, I’m sure you did your best. We are having pizza your fave. Let’s have a hug.”

Sometimes things are best left unsaid. So what if you agree with the teacher. What did you hope to achieve by telling your dd this? For her to have a epiphany and say you know what mum you’re right I behaved like a brat? Not going to happen.

So it wasn’t a rock worth dying on and now your dd now feels criticised and unheard. It really doesn't matter who is right or wrong in this scenario anymore. Just that you didn’t connect with her in the way she needed.

Wouldn’t it be best to just learn to pick your battles?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 17:46

Well there’s 3 posts saying pretty much the same thing

MatildaTheCat · 11/07/2018 17:50

Use the pizza box to make her a wobbly desk wedge to keep in her school bag and turn it into a little joke.

You were fine but you’ll probably have to make the first move to break the sulk and move on. God, how I remember feeling the injustice of a teacher who made me feel small and Mum always trying to see their side of it. Of course she was right and I did the same thing to my dc.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/07/2018 17:58

You sent her to her room for saying "dunno"? Crikey! The teenage years will feel long in your house I suspect.

Mar15mite · 11/07/2018 19:04

Wow I can't believe anyone thinks the OP was harsh. I'm with the PP who said if they want to have a face on they can do it in their room!!

speakout · 11/07/2018 19:14

Wow I can't believe anyone thinks the OP was harsh.

As evident by this thread many people think the OP was harsh.

Me included.

falang · 11/07/2018 19:20

I don't think you were harsh at all. She was being unreasonable asking 4 times to move desks in an exam. She was unreasonable sitting in a sulk because you told her this. I'd have done the same as you.

Believeitornot · 11/07/2018 19:22

You can empathise. She got told off already at school. She’s got exams and is probably tired.

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