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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being harsh on DD?

74 replies

Notss · 11/07/2018 16:16

Hi... another school based one I’m afraid - there seem to be a lot of these recently.

DD (12) got home from school about an hour ago with a face like thunder; so I asked her what was wrong. She told me that a teacher told her off for asking if she could move desks as hers was wobbly (one leg shorter than the others by the sound of it.)

I thought this sounded a bit harsh; but on further probing it turned out to have happened in an end of year exam, and she admitted to asking four times before the teacher got annoyed with her. I told her that it was no wonder she was told off for asking the same question four times!

After that she decided to sit on the couch and sulk. I tried ask her about what she wanted for dinner (we get “payday takeout” on the 11th), but she was still sulking and replied with a grumpy “dunno”. At this I sent her to her room and told her to come down when she felt like having a civilised conversation; and if she hadn’t stopped sulking by the time we had decided what to have for dinner she might not get a say in it.

Just as she was stropping up the stairs, DH comes through the front door; and first thing he asks is “what’s wrong with DD?”. So I explained the situation; and she says I’m being a little harsh on her as “she only wanted a bit of sympathy off her mum.”

So good people of mn, am I being harsh?

Sorry for typos by the way as I’m on my phone!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 19:26

speakout
Exactly.

Interesting that Mar15 like op cannot see an issue with negating the feelings of a child.
“a face like thunder”
“to have a face on”

sailorcherries · 11/07/2018 19:50

When my DS sulks he gives off quite an unpleasant vibe - rolling around, huffing and puffing, muttering under his breath, giving dirty looks etc. To me, this is sulking and is definitely something he can do in his room.

As for the wobbly table. Surely you notice a table is wobbly at the beginning? Did DD ask to move asap or make a point of waiting until the exam started? Whenever I had exams, or tests under exam conditions, we had a few minutes to sort oursevles and call the attention of the teacher/invigilator if necessary. After this point the only need to leave would be illneas/fire/limbs falling off and that was that.

fleshmarketclose · 11/07/2018 19:52

I'm another who thinks you were too harsh. A kind word and a bit of empathy would have probably got the response you wanted anyway without any bad feeling.

Mrsmadevans · 11/07/2018 19:53

The teacher should have moved her because some ppl find small things like this a huge distraction. My own DD would have found it so . I think you could be a bit more supportive toward her tbh .

rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 19:57

She'd been told off at school and wobbly tables are the work of the Devil , so already punished. No need for you to take it further.

I think she just wanted a cup of tea and to rest for a bit. She had had a bad day, she would have grown out of her bad mood if left. You were harsh.

If you're in the habit of punishing teens when they're upset/in a bad mood, for being upset/in a bad mood, you don't only extend the bad mood (completely counterproductive) but over some time you might end up with some very repressed teenagers.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/07/2018 19:58

If I had to go to my room every time I was annoyed about something I'd never come out. Teenagers are allowed to be irritated about stuff. Sometimes it's not "attitude". Sometimes they are legitimately pissed off and entitled to express it.

And Saying "dunno" is hardly crime of the century is it?

rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 19:59

Oh, and - exams are the worst! DS just had mocks and was absolutely exhausted all week, especially coupled with sport practise. DD1 was adjusting to medication throughout her Year 11 mocks as well as doing the exams (and the mocks in Year 11 are very strenuous), the poor thing ended up so tired we kept her off for one day.

It's really easy to underestimate how exhausting they are for teens.

Dancergirl · 11/07/2018 20:03

littledragon speaks a lot of sense - I agree with every word.

GreenMeerkat · 11/07/2018 20:03

I don't think you were overly harsh but I'd be mega annoyed at a wobbly desk in an exam. I don't blame her for asking to be moved

LanaorAna2 · 11/07/2018 20:04

The other poor kids doing the exam won't think YABU OP.

SnapCards · 11/07/2018 20:07

When I was a child I was never allowed my feelings. I was either 'sulking/being miserable' etc even if I had good reason to be upset.

She'd had a crap day, why can't she sit on the sofa looking a bit sorry for herself and not chatting? She didn't give a shit about takeaways in that moment, I think that's ok.

callmeadoctor · 11/07/2018 20:12

I am an exam invigilator and I drum into my daughter that she has to say if there is a problem in an exam. A wobbly table is very very common and invigilators deal with it all the time (always paper to use for that reason). She was quite right to ask and it should have been dealt with. So Im on her side

callmeadoctor · 11/07/2018 20:14

oh and students will not have spare paper to put under leg, not allowed to bring paper in.

SnapCards · 11/07/2018 20:19

I didn't read it as a 'formal' exam, just a EOY exam in the classroom. There would have been plenty of paper!

Teacher was being a dick. Good on OP's DD I say, why should she put up and shut up?

I hope my DD's as confident as yours when she reaches that age OP.

callmeadoctor · 11/07/2018 20:24

OP said that it was a formal exam in hall in her second post so while there may have only been teachers invigilating they may have treated students as they would in a "real exam".

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/07/2018 20:24

I think that you were unnecessarily harsh but I also hate sulking. A grumpy ‘dunno’ might have pushed my buttons too. You are the adult and it’s your job to move the evening along now. I think it’s a good thing to apologise to teenagers when you over-react. We want them to learn to do it after all.
Couldn’t you say something like “I’m sorry I snapped. Sulking really does push my buttons but I wish I hadn’t done it. It sounds like you had an annoying day. Let’s start again...”

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 11/07/2018 20:31

I remember having a wobbly desk in my O levels.

I put my hand up at the start of the exam and asked for an extra piece of paper.

MY teacher brought one over saying 'how do you know you will need it?

I took it, folded it about 4 times, and slid it under one of the legs. Then the table was wobbly no more.

He said 'You will make a great engineer' as he walked off.

SunShades · 11/07/2018 20:46

Never mind your DD, I'd be straight down at the school tomorrow to complain about that horrible teacher.

How dare she not give your DD an appropriate desk to sit an exam. I'd be in first thing tomorrow morning to speak to the head and demand an apology.

kateandme · 11/07/2018 20:50

i think you said sulking is your pet peev.allthough it totally ur to sulk this im afraid is going to become much more common in the teenage years.it almost how they communicate anything they are happy with.so its something I think even fo ryour piece of mind you need to get used to dealing with.
try and act like you would with a child in this case.or a puppy.distract and try and snap them out of this trance of sulky thoughts.
maybe it would have been easier to say "oh im really sorry that shitty but come on it over now eh what shall we have for tea." just to get her out of that headspace.they are quit often in the wrong but sometimes you just need to empthase instead of get angry at this stage as anger only feeds the teenage slumps.and often it can be snapped out of if you just be on there side.
obviously this wouldn't be the case if they had done something really bad.

Stirner · 11/07/2018 21:15

I notice OPs not come back, maybe she's in a sulk cos we didn't agree with her ;)

Original poster

Notss · 12/07/2018 12:19

I have come back!

Haha, I wasn’t sulking; we ended up going out for dinner and dd has forgotten all about it now.

OP posts:

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 13:03

That's good

IME teens aren't very good at holding grudges.

reallybadidea · 12/07/2018 13:16

hahaha - my mum was a teacher and it was the WORST. I could never just have a moan!

One of my textiles teachers got me mixed up with someone else in the class and said that I'd been lazy and done nothing all year. In actual fact I'd completed my first project and was the only one to start a second project. My teacher mother would not believe me over the teacher, despite the evidence (an apron AND bean bag) to the contrary

However I don't think the OP was particularly harsh. I'd have down the same, although I'd probably have ignored the sulking afterwards.

Tinkobell · 12/07/2018 13:25

Have you tried sitting an exam at a desk with a wobbly leg?! I think that would piss a lot of people off as well as having your discomfort ignored time after time.

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