Or is DP being quite inconsiderate?

[scramblesontoast]

Hi everyone NC just in case. Will try not to drip feed and make this as short as possible!

Long story short I had surgery at the end of last week as a result of three months of pain. I'm feeling rough, in a lot of pain in my stomach area (where the surgery was) and on a high dose of codeine and other prescribed meds whilst I recover. I'm still having trouble standing up straight and not getting dizzy when I stand.

Since I came home last week from hospital, DP has become increasingly unhelpful and seems to be acting like he's feeling sorry for himself! He hasn't done any form of washing up/wiping down/Taking the bins out except for filling the dishwasher last Friday. Literally nothing has been done in the house. He's acting like it's SUCH a chore to make me something on toast for dinner after he's been at work all day. Today he's off and his alarm went off at 9 and has been on snooze every five minutes since. So every five minutes for 2.5 hours. There's no milk or bread in the house and he woke up long enough to huff at me and say "I'll go out and get milk in a minute"....well that was 45 minutes ago and I'm now sitting downstairs listening to the sound of him snoring and his alarm going off. For a man in his mid 30's, I'm slightly concerned that his brain has turned to goo. Keep in mind normally I do 90% of the housework and cooking. So I feel like it's not too much to ask, that just for the next week or so he just TRIES to help out? He's being so grumpy and touchy most of the that all I get is sighing and eye rolling.

Rant over!!!!!!

I think you need to reconsider your relationship and to get a partner who isn't a man child.
In fact most children I know would be more helpful.

Please don't have children with this immature man brat unless you want to be a single parent whether in name or practise.

Aww mate, I wouldn't allow my 13 year old to get away with that if I was ill!
He needs a mop bucket of water tipped on his mean head.

How are you managing to sit downstairs listening to this? He is being an absolute arsehole. Is there a friend or family member you can go to whilst you recover?

I would definitely be using this a time to change stuff!!
"You've been really selfish since my op, there's been no help or consideration at all and I'm actually really hurt by it. I don't want an argument, you can't change it now or make excuses but since you can't be bothered to help while I am ill it's made me question why I bother doing things for you when you are fit and healthy enough to do them yourself, so I too have decided not to bother. I'll do x,y,z but a,b,c is down to you from now on"
Or similar to that, what a twat he is

My 15yr old would be helping me out,making cups of tea and manage not to teengrump if I was ill as I was at Christmas.

Inconsiderate doesn't quite cover his behaviour.

Blimey you guys are hot on replying! All I did was go to the loo!

He's now come downstairs (huff included) and is emptying a bin (which I assume is purely because it is so full). It's massively out of character and he's never had a problem doing anything before, hence why I'm sitting here thinking "have you been abducted by aliens?!?".

Why are you doing 90%of the housework and cooking?

He's acting like a big baby whose dummy has been taken away. Poor boy!

Have you explained to him that while you are in so much pain, he needs to just take over running the house and care of you? Presumably you have? Do you have parents? Could you go and stay with them pro tem? Otherwise order groceries online? Very disappointing that he can't step up. What happens if you have DC? You won't get much help from him...

@InDubiousBattle I've considered going to my parents for a couple of nights yeah. That's a good shout.

my FOUR year old made me a sandwich once when I was dying on the sofa with a migraine. He'd said he was going to get a yogurt and came back with one for himself and a sandwich for me.

If your dh cannot even better a 4 year old there is something horribly wrong

@scramblesontoast it's not normally a problem because YOU are doing 90% of the work! Give him a dressing down and tell him to ship up or ship out and I'd be redressing the balance of chores once you are fit and back at work. Would I hell be doing 90% whilst he sits on his arse!

@Returnofthesmileybar that's exactly what I need to say, thank you!! It's bloody ridiculous. You're right, why should I bother otherwise? Thank you for that.

Of course he's a prick, but he was a prick two weeks ago too. He hasn't changed, and he's not going to.

It's up to you whether you consider "is a selfish piece of shit" to be a deterrent to a relationship. You didn't previously, but maybe your perspective has changed.

How would he cope if you left? Would he do these things for himself or would he live like a slob? Sounds like he's either useless and slovenly (unless working ridiculously long hours, etc.) or just has so little respect for you that he's unwilling to do these things as he thinks you should even though you're recuperating. I'd have to say something if it were me.

He is no longer your number one priority.

You are not running after him and pandering to his every whim.

You're not cleaning up or making food as usual

He is sulking because he has lost all his attention and now he's supposed to give it back.

Never have kids with this man. He would be jealous of them

@seventhgonickname I work shorter hours and closer to home so I'm home like 5 hours more each day. Honestly normally I don't mind at all, I like cooking and I'm a very neat person in everything I do. However obviously I said to him before "I'll need your help whilst I recover because obviously I'll be out of action". Bloody mad isn't it?

@MsHomeSlice your four year old sounds like a gem!! This is exactly how I was raised too, so I'm sitting here baffled.

It's massively out of character and he's never had a problem doing anything before

I disagree with this as you also state that you do 90% of the housework. He normally does 10% which is fuck all. Honestly stop doing everything. Unless he's disabled he should be doing more. He's pissed because suddenly he has to do more than the token fuck all he does right now.

Thank you everyone for replying. I'm glad I'm not being some over demanding sick person. That's the thing, before we lived together he was fine and quite tidy etc. I think he's got too comfortable with me doing most things, as a lot of you have said. I will be having a conversation later today. I shouldn't be feeling guilty.

Bugger. Forgot to keep posting on my NC. I blame the painkillers!!!

Agree with @returnofthesmileybar.

Be very clear, direct and firm. Get him to own his behaviour. Be clear that things will change after you're better.

He's meant to love you more than anyone else. Why is he treating you so badly?

How unattractive.

I would do everything for myself from now on, shopping, cooking, washing etc and not do a single thing for him. Actually it would be a deal breaker. Hardly a partner is he.

Go to your mums, and tell him you'll come back when you're recovered, as you can't be dealing with house stuff until then. Don't blame him - he'll get the message. What you do then, depends on what he does while you're gone.