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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or is DP being quite inconsiderate?

74 replies

scramblesontoast · 11/07/2018 11:36

Hi everyone NC just in case. Will try not to drip feed and make this as short as possible!

Long story short I had surgery at the end of last week as a result of three months of pain. I'm feeling rough, in a lot of pain in my stomach area (where the surgery was) and on a high dose of codeine and other prescribed meds whilst I recover. I'm still having trouble standing up straight and not getting dizzy when I stand.

Since I came home last week from hospital, DP has become increasingly unhelpful and seems to be acting like he's feeling sorry for himself! He hasn't done any form of washing up/wiping down/Taking the bins out except for filling the dishwasher last Friday. Literally nothing has been done in the house. He's acting like it's SUCH a chore to make me something on toast for dinner after he's been at work all day. Today he's off and his alarm went off at 9 and has been on snooze every five minutes since. So every five minutes for 2.5 hours. There's no milk or bread in the house and he woke up long enough to huff at me and say "I'll go out and get milk in a minute"....well that was 45 minutes ago and I'm now sitting downstairs listening to the sound of him snoring and his alarm going off. For a man in his mid 30's, I'm slightly concerned that his brain has turned to goo. Keep in mind normally I do 90% of the housework and cooking. So I feel like it's not too much to ask, that just for the next week or so he just TRIES to help out? He's being so grumpy and touchy most of the that all I get is sighing and eye rolling.

Rant over!!!!!!

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/07/2018 12:08

Honestly op in your shoes I would go back to my parents and be looked after for a few days. All this stress (and not even a proper meal Sad) can’t be helping your recovery. Then when you are stronger come home and have a conversation with your “d”p and make a decision about your relationship going forward.
Get well soon op Flowers

WinnieFosterTether · 11/07/2018 12:13

He's being an arse. If he can't look after you in good faith when you're ill then what use is he? You'd expect a flatmate to treat you better than he has.
Go to stay with your parents and tell them, your DPIL and your DP why.

katseyes7 · 11/07/2018 12:15

My ex husband was like this when l broke my ankle. l'd been home a couple of days (on crutches, non weightbearing, so couldn't do a lot!) and he'd been to do a food shop (mainly for him, because l was on heavy meds and wasn't eating a lot).
When he came back he made me a cup of coffee but didn't put sugar in it. l hobbled into the kitchen and asked him if he'd mind putting sugar in it, obviously as l couldn't carry either the mug or the sugar on crutches.
He totally lost the plot. Threw a wooden stool from above his head onto the floor where it smashed to bits, (and bits hit me) then started yelling and saying he couldn't cope (bearing in mind l'd looked after him for five months when he'd been ill earlier, working shifts and managing everything to do with the house). l was stood there on one leg thinking, he could kill me and l can't even try to get out of the front door....

Later on in my recovery l was accused of breaking my ankle 'on purpose' (in 3 places, requiring wires, plates and pins!) to 'avoid going to marriage counselling'.
Maybe once you're recovered, you need to think about how much you're doing, and why he isn't? l know l 'mothered' my ex way too much. They get used to it.

Original poster
scramblesontoast · 11/07/2018 12:17

Oh @katseyes7 that sounds bloody awful for you. I'm glad you said ex! I'm so sorry that happened to you especially after you looked after him previously!

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 11/07/2018 12:19

Keep in mind normally I do 90% of the housework and cooking

And therein lies your problem. Why? He has no idea what he's doing, and selfishly, is thinking about all that is not being done for him anymore.

Definitely a time to change things around.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/07/2018 12:21

Later on in my recovery l was accused of breaking my ankle 'on purpose' (in 3 places, requiring wires, plates and pins!) to 'avoid going to marriage counselling'.

If I had been married to your ex-, I would probably have broken some bones, too - all the ones in his brass bloody neck! What an arse! You are well out of it - as I'm sure you know.

OP - go to your mum's and get cosseted. Tell tour "D"H that you expect the house tidy and the basic foodstuffs (milk, tea/coffee, bread, eggs etc) in when you get back, and if they aren't, turn straight round again and go back to your mum's. After all, he'll only have himself to look after - not having to run up and downstairs because of your unreasonable demands for toast - so he shouldn't have any problems keeping on top of things.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 11/07/2018 12:23

You're doing 40% of his fair share of the housework. Does he contribute 40% more than you do to the family finances?

ravenmum · 11/07/2018 12:24

He sounds not just inconsiderate but also very unpleasant.

Pringlemunchers · 11/07/2018 12:24

It really opens your eyes-when the shit hits the fan, have they got your back, or is he really thinking, " Oh poor me , having to work and do all this and on MY day off too!"
Just take it as a steep learning curve for you- get well soon

katseyes7 · 11/07/2018 12:24

Thank you, scramblesontoast and SchadenfreudePersonified! Oh, he's long gone. l'm daft, but l'm not stupid! That was only one incident out of many.

OP - please go and stay with your parents and let him stew and realise how much you actually do for him. They don't appreciate it til you aren't doing it! And you need looking after, not being treated like that. l hope you feel better soon. hugs xxx

Ellie56 · 11/07/2018 12:26

He's a waste of space isn't he? I would go to your parents and be looked after, (telling them and everyone else why)and then when you're fit and healthy, come back and pack his bags for him. Selfish knob.

You can do much better than him.You deserve better.

Paperthin · 11/07/2018 12:29

“quite inconsiderate” is the understatement of the year OP! Go to your parents ‘ leave him to it. When you feel better, whether you feel happy doing 90% or not ( and you shouldn’t be) you need a serious conversation about this.

RailReplacementBusService · 11/07/2018 12:31

Don’t have kids with this man. Because this is how he will behave.

joliejoleen · 11/07/2018 12:36

Wow. What a gem. My 10-year-old offers to look after his little brother and tells me to have a nap whenever I feel rough...

showmewhatyougot · 11/07/2018 12:40

Woe is him indeed, did you get your milk? hope you get well soon op x

Original poster
scramblesontoast · 11/07/2018 12:43

I can't thank all of you enough for your words of support and encouragement. I really needed it. I'm honestly not very good at telling someone that I'm upset with them (shock) but you've all given me a bit of a push. He came downstairs and I confronted him and in a nutshell said "you do realise that before my operation, you came home to a clean house and dinner every night? I can't do a lot right now, I need your help and I shouldn't be feeling bad".

Also for a couple of people that mentioned finances: it's definitely not equal. He earns way more than I do. As in like 3x as much (and a bit more). Maybe this is another reason why I felt inclined to do everything else? I never want to feel like I'm scrounging. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
scramblesontoast · 11/07/2018 12:46

@showmewhatyougot the milk will be arriving shortly. After I had told him how I felt, miraculously the kitchen got cleaned, washing was put on, plants were watered and he's now gone to the shop to get a few bits.

Annoyingly I shouldn't have HAD to say anything in the first place. If roles were reversed I would do all of these things automatically. So I'm still pretty miffed and I expect him to keep it up and actually realise "I'm being an arse" instead of just doing things because I said so.

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 11/07/2018 12:51

Can you clarify whether he puts in 40% more towards your finances?

Summersnake · 11/07/2018 12:52

Actually this is really good this has happened now.....and not when you have brought your first child home from hospital..at least you know what he will be like if you ever have kids

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 12:55

On some fundamental level, he sees you as being there to serve him - you are a useful appliance that he keeps around for his benefit. Now that you're out of action, his only thought is about how inconvenient it is for him - your feelings don't really feature.

It's not just his behaviour that has to change, it's his whole attitude, otherwise this or something similar will happen again. If he truly cared about you as a person he would feel really bad for you that you're suffering and want to do everything he can to make you feel better. Instead he's making you feel bad because his servant is no longer functional.

Do not put up with this.

Tobebythesea · 11/07/2018 12:58

Actions speak louder than words OP. What are his actions clearly telling you?

Seaweed42 · 11/07/2018 12:59

It's funny how they react when the situation changes. It just shows you how the attachment has been working. You have been 'Mummy' and running the house and being his security blanket so he is free to run off out and play. When 'Mummy' gets sick then suddenly all the attention is off him.
It just shows how much attention he gets from you, and what happens when an obstacle is in front of that stream of attention and interest in him. He stages a protest against you giving yourself more attention than him!
I have a similar DH. When I get sick, he suddenly 'doesn't feel well' or somesuch.

ravenmum · 11/07/2018 12:59

He effectively pays you to do his cleaning?

Shutupsidney · 11/07/2018 13:00

I've considered going to my parents for a couple of nights yeah. That's a good shout

So they can also see what an arse he is to their daughter.

Please god do not react to his selfish behaviour. This man doesn't love you he's a shit. God help you growing old with him.

Original poster
scramblesontoast · 11/07/2018 13:02

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat yes he does, because of how much he makes.

OP posts:
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