Or is DP being quite inconsiderate?

[scramblesontoast]

Hi everyone NC just in case. Will try not to drip feed and make this as short as possible!

Long story short I had surgery at the end of last week as a result of three months of pain. I'm feeling rough, in a lot of pain in my stomach area (where the surgery was) and on a high dose of codeine and other prescribed meds whilst I recover. I'm still having trouble standing up straight and not getting dizzy when I stand.

Since I came home last week from hospital, DP has become increasingly unhelpful and seems to be acting like he's feeling sorry for himself! He hasn't done any form of washing up/wiping down/Taking the bins out except for filling the dishwasher last Friday. Literally nothing has been done in the house. He's acting like it's SUCH a chore to make me something on toast for dinner after he's been at work all day. Today he's off and his alarm went off at 9 and has been on snooze every five minutes since. So every five minutes for 2.5 hours. There's no milk or bread in the house and he woke up long enough to huff at me and say "I'll go out and get milk in a minute"....well that was 45 minutes ago and I'm now sitting downstairs listening to the sound of him snoring and his alarm going off. For a man in his mid 30's, I'm slightly concerned that his brain has turned to goo. Keep in mind normally I do 90% of the housework and cooking. So I feel like it's not too much to ask, that just for the next week or so he just TRIES to help out? He's being so grumpy and touchy most of the that all I get is sighing and eye rolling.

Rant over!!!!!!

So yes, you are effectively his paid cleaner.

Although you work full time, you clean for him in return for him paying your bills.

So basically he pays 90% of the finances and you do 90% of the housework in return? If this is the case would you be happy putting in more £ and he can use his extra cash to hire a cleaner? Or are you both living to a lifestyle that he wants and whilst you could afford to live how you wanted you wouldn't be able to afford to live how he wanted?

I guess what I'm getting at is he has less free time, but his trade-off for that is more money. You earn less, but your trade-off for that is more free time. So why are you obligated to "spend" your benefit of more free time by doing his share of the housework? If that makes sense...

Glad he's starting to pull his weight, if he starts slacking again, go to your parents for two or three days.
Hope you're feeling much better soon Lovely 💐

Gosh, even mine isn't as bad as yours sounds, and I'm usually quite quick to say otherwise!
I've got a broken little finger on my R hand at the moment, which is limiting my ability to do a lot of things. I told DH that he would have to take on the "heavy" washing up all the time at the moment, because I can't get my taped fingers wet and I can't get them into gloves, PLUS I can't put any pressure on them or the hand in general. He huffed at me but said ok. Then a bit later he asked how long this would go on for and when I told him that I was due back to the doc in 3 weeks, he almost screamed "THREE WEEKS? THREE FUCKING WEEKS??" I mean honestly, anyone would think I'd broken it just on purpose to get out of the washing up for 3 weeks

I did offer to break his for him [JOKE!] when mine was fixed so he could have 3 weeks off himself, but he wasn't keen.

Yours is so much worse though - mine might have huffed and groaned but at least he IS helping out, and I only have a broken finger, I can get around ok!

If he's usually this bad then I'd reconsider staying in this relationship if I were you. Hope you recover soon - I'd go to your parents as well, let them look after you.

I don't think the problem is that Op does most of it-if that works for them.

I do most of it & might have to remind my husband to do a couple of things.

But he would do it & make sure that I had cooked meals as well if I wanted.

Wowza. To be fair my DH doesn't always pull his weight when I am well but when I put my back out he was great. Did all the housework, food, shopping, laundry whilst I struggled to move. For a week or so he even had to help me on and off the loo, to dress and to do up my shoes. He didn't moan and whilst he might not have done stuff exactly the way I'd have done it he certainly was trying.

I think you need to reconsider whether you want to be with this guy. It doesn't sound like he cares for you.

Yeah before I was ill when I was at work it was effectively him paying the bills, me paying for all the food shops and other bits and bobs here and there which worked fine. To be honest i know it sounds mad, but I was okay with how things were before I got sick. I'd always done more around the house and I worked shorter hours so it didn't bother me at all. I know that sounds bonkers to other people probably. I just wanted him to pull his weight moreso recently because I needed him to and the bloody "woe is me" attitude I got in return was sooooo shitty.

"he almost screamed "THREE WEEKS? THREE FUCKING WEEKS??" "

And you think that that is OK?

Oh dear. Do let that one go, it's not abusive. It was his shock/failure to understand that a break takes more than a few days to heal.

He sounds like an utter shit. He's angry and huffing because his domestic appliance (that's you, OP) is malfunctioning.

Glad you've spoken up and he's done something. I hope this is a temporary lapse on his part but not too confident on that score. I want to tell you to LTB.

Hope you feel better soon

You do too much, and this has shown you that he doesn't respect it.
So don't go rushing back to doing it all. Split the list of household chores right in half, and allocate him his. If he doesn't do it, neither do you.

And next time he's ill, remember how you're feeling today.

Hope you're better soon .

It's absolutely fine for you to be doing the vast majority of the housework - if that works for you both, why not? The issue isn't the fact that you do most of the housework, it's that now that you can't do it, his response is to get huffy with you rather than to see that you're in pain and simply can't be his servant any more. He doesn't value what you do at all - he just wants his life to be easy and he doesn't care that you're the one that does that for him.

That is bloody awful!!!
My DP had an op last Wednesday.
I have pretty much waited on him hand and foot since, because he is on huge amounts of painkillers, he needs to heal, he needs to rest.
I am really actually enjoying looking after him. He looks after me lots and lots normally, so the ability to be able to really make him feel like I want to do this for him, is incredibly important to me. And I really really love him, and I know that he would be exactly the same if the table was turned.

I would recover from this operation and get a new DP if I were you.
Life is too short to be with an ungrateful arsehole.

I would go to your parents - not only is he doing nothing, he's being huffy about doing nothing. he's not going to change and you can do without the fight of begging him to help you at the moment. You need to be fed properly, and not be forcced into doing more than you should be after an abdo op. If hes never had an op heprobably doesn;t realise how incapacitating it is. That's not an excuse because you;ve told him. But some people have no imagination until it happens to them.

My XH was similar - total waste of space when it came to caring for other people and empathising with pain. On the other hand when he broke his shoulder (drunken showing off in a rounders match in front of young women at his work) after we were separated, he spent a week in bed, then shuffled round the house in his slippers making 'ooh aaaagh' noises. As DD put it the 'air was thick with the smell of burning martyr' . Then when he left the house he insisted on sitting in the disabled seats on the bus.

I'm sure you DH is equally self absorbed when he is the one who is ill, and I'm sure you look after him. So go to you parents, get some TLC and let them know what a dick he is being.

I'm also saying do not have kids with this man.Youve already set the bar doing so much if the house work,see how well he keeps up while you're I'll and if he does it all with good grace and is caring towards you too.

He is being a prick.

At least you’ve found out what an inconsiderate and entitled brat you live with before you married him or had children.

I hope neither of you want children, your life would be hell if you were to spend a day in hospital to have a baby.

Time for a long chat together. He needs to start acting like an adult, and treating you like his equal rather than his mum/housekeeper.

This would actually be a deal breaker for me.

Keep in mind normally I do 90% of the housework and cooking.

Well, there's your trouble. He's entitled and spoiled, and though you may not mind when you are well, he doesn't want to lower himself to do this work when you can't.

If you're planning on having children with this man, he'll need to adjust his ideas as you probably won't be in any shape to run around after him for a few weeks then too.

Go to your parents and have a rest.

This Is exactly why women shouldn’t do the majority of the housework from the get go. It’s doesn’t matter if you don’t mind or would rather do it yourself. You are “training” your partner to expect it, to not appreciate it, and not see it as their job. Add kids to that situation and it will only get worse.

He actually has a son who I love to bits and stays with us a lot. He's an absolutely fantastic dad and I cannot fault him in that area. I wholeheartedly agree that he has been an utter TWAT the past week and I definitely won't be forgiving him in a heartbeat, however this is literally the first big thing he's done to piss me right off. I completely get that most of you are thinking LTB and I probably would say the same to someone else!

Whether or not there's something else actually bothering him ATM I don't know. It's been quite a stressful six months. We're trying to sell the house, that's fallen through twice, we've lost our new house, obviously I've been unwell, DP's dad is temporarily staying with us because he's getting divorced..but then again I'm managing even though I'm in 24/7 pain so suck it up, DP.

Who cooks his son's food and washes his son's clothes when he's in your house?

don't look for excuses for him please ...sounds to me that he owes you a huge apology and to shake himself and realise how lucky he is

he is entirely in the wrong here and you really need to be careful that this is not who he is and the nicer side of him is being phased out.

So yes, you are effectively his paid cleaner.

Bollox! OP has already said she works fewer hours. If they worked the same, and he expected her to do more because he contributed more to the finances, TAT would be treating her s a cleaner.

When I worked FT and DH was PT, I didn't regard him as my domestic help, even though he did more housework.