DH and hobby in late pregnancy

[matchmakers]

I don't know if I am BU or if my DH is being a selfish arse.

I am 34 weeks pregnant but measuring 4 weeks ahead so bloody huge. I've got SPD, and am generally starting to feel really rotten and exhausted. I'm a SAHM to a 2.5 year old who really never stops except (luckily!) for a pretty regular hour nap at lunchtime.

By late afternoon I'm really struggling. I'm trying to make sure I always rest when she naps (either I nap or at least I sit down and relax), I'm snacking regularly to stop blood sugar dips. Nothing wrong with iron etc, it's just late pregnancy fatigue. I sleep terribly, especially with the recent heat. I was the same last time, all normal. I'm lucky in the fact that both grandmothers are retired and often spend time with me and DS in the week, giving me an hour or two to put my feet up while they play with him or nip him out to the local park.

DH works full time, Monday - Friday. He's out of the house from 7am-7pm. He gets home each night in time to read DS a story and put him into bed but that's it. DS is excellent for bed, he almost takes himself really so no difficulties with this. I do 95% of the housework in a reasonably sized 4 bed house as well as the cooking etc as he's out but he does help out at weekends, when he's here.

DH has announced this week that his football season is restarting early or they've got lots of friendlies coming up and basically that means he'll be out one evening a week for training (no issue with this at all, DS will be in bed anyway) and from 11am on Saturdays until about 6pm. So pretty much another day I need to have DS on my own when he could be here helping me out. His answer when I said I could really do with a hand here at the weekends at this stage was 'ask my mum to come and help' which she would but I don't want to do because she already comes in the week and I don't want to take the piss.

He has already told the team he's taking 3 weekends off when baby comes because I'm having a ELCS, but he thinks this is enough. AIBU in saying to him that I really need him here at his stage, and that actually as the games he's potentially missing aren't even league games it shouldn't really matter? He keeps up his fitness with training and going running in the evenings anyway.

Doesn't help that DS is starting to get to the stage where he's upset with DH goes, as he gets exciting when he's here at weekends! So not only do I have him on my own when DH could be helping, I have a grumpy, cross DS who is whinging for his Dad.

I'm not trying to be a precious snowflake, I'm very much a 'just get on with it' person but I'm really starting to find things tough. He just can't see why he should give up his 'me time' when he works hard all week. He does work hard, no disputing that. My point is he is 36 years old and at some point in life surely being needed at home has to come first.

Sorry that was longer than I wanted, I didn't want to drip feed. So. AIBU?

Almost at the same stage as you OP so commiserations it bloody hard being so tired with other kids to look after , I think at this stage of pregnancy and after baby he needs to put his hobbies on the back burner and consider how it impacts you , ultimately everyone needs some downtime but when is yours ? My husband has lots of hobbies like fishing etc but he’s went less this last few months to give me a break .

when is your me time? Ask him that

Yes, ask him when in the week you will be getting seven consecutive hours to yourself while he has DS for your “me time”.

YANBU. It’s shit for anybody to have to cut back on much-loved hobbies, but his duties as a parent and partner need to come first. Tell him that if he’s going out on Saturdays he’s taking DS with him.

He's a father so he should be spending time with his children. I'm sure you could think of something nice to do without them every week op but you don't because you're there to take care of your children. Men like this are so annoying; they aren't really committed to being parents and expect their lives to go on as normal and to still do all their hobbies.

Yanbu. You need a lot of support at that late stage of pregnancy, especially with a toddler.
I’d suggest taking Sunday off for yourself but then you would hardly see each other.

He really needs to put you first over a hobby.

Yanbu.

There’s no way you should be managing alone so much at this stage and asking your mum to help out so your DH can play football is taking the piss.

My OH goes to work at 6, comes home at 3 sods off out again to go the gym and doesn't get home until after 8 and it drives me in-fucking-sane!
I'm only 17 weeks pregnant with our first so I don't have little ones to deal with and I'm finding it difficult, so honestly hun I take my hat off to you!
.... but if I was later on in my pregnancy I would be nipping it in the bud!
As women were not just childminding cleaning housekeepers.... we are people too and we need time to relax every now and then!
I would love to see a man grow a human and still manage to do the stuff we do! I don't think football or going the gym would be so important to them then!

I've pointed out that I have no 'me time' before. He just says 'well you could have, do something in the evening or on a Sunday then!'. But as I've pointed out to him 1) me doing something on a Sunday would mean we have no family time 2) I'm wiped out in the evenings 3) None, not one of the other mums I know of very young children have a 'hobby' as such. We're all too busy either being 'mum' or catching up! Our 'hobby' is seeing each other in the week for a coffee with the children.

I don't have an issue with the Saturdays normally, when I'm not huge, knackered and struggling to walk I often take DS down to watch the football for an hour. It's just these next few weeks.

He did point out 'well obviously if you were really ill like needed to go to hospital or something I wouldn't play would I?!' Great. Problem is I'm not ill. I don't need medical attention. I'm just struggling and I don't think it's he Grandparents job to pick up the slack. It's his!

If I was his mum I'd be furious about being asked to do extra work and offer more support so my son could piss around playing a football game. I'd probably give him a mouthful and tell him to grow up and handle his own responsibilities. He needs to realise that his duties as a parent and partner come before his hobby. He can have an occasional Saturday every couple of months but not every Saturday.

He’s 36!!! My ds is a 27 year old dad and no way would he ever behave like this.

No and no. Time to grow up and out his wife and kids first. Ffs he’s far to old to be doing this! all day Saturday that’s bollocks he’s got s match and he’s going to the pub.

Put your foot down op.

And if I was your mum or worse his mum I would kick his arse into touch. Get your mum to help indeed!!! Cheeky sod.

Yes, ask him when in the week you will be getting seven consecutive hours to yourself while he has DS for your “me time”.

This. And you have SPD so are not exactly ‘well’. You are not being unreasonable and he is not being considerate.

Remind him that friendly and league games only last 90 minutes and for the time being could he come straight home afterwards. Unless he's Harry Kane. In which case YABU.

Thing is his mum probably isn't furious at all. I bet she sees this as completely normal and is more than happy to cover for him on Saturdays. Times have moved on, this was how things were for my generation, it would never have occurred to us to expect our partners to cover child care when they weren't working.

Yes this all day Saturday is utter nonsense.

YANBU

He's a father. He needs time to chill too sure but that's in the evenings, not a whole day which should be family time and time for you to rest. Sorry but it's not on and I would nip in the bud as when you have a newborn it just won't happen.

Bluelady

Nope not my generation! I am 51 and my dh shared childcare responsibilities. My dcs share their responsibility too.

I don’t think Thr mil can be 80!

Hold on, when did football matches start taking 7 hours? He's taking the piss and being selfish.

Looking after you and his dc is his responsibility, not his mum's!

YANBU. I'd be furious, and very disappointed in him. I don't think he should be playing for an entire day every weekend this season at all. With a newborn and a toddler, there's going to be too much going on at home.

You'll be dealing with the newborn (esp if you're breastfeeding), so he'll have to deal with the toddler. All weekend. I like the idea of suggesting he takes DS with him on Saturdays.

Or, take him up on his kind offer to have Sundays off completely and leave the house for the entire day. Is your Mum's house close enough that you could go there and put your feet up?

(As a minor point, why did he say that you should ask him Mum to help? He's the one opting out of parenting, so he should find a replacement. He obviously sees parenting as your job, and his role to help you out when he feels like it.)

@seesawride you’re right, my parents are early 60s now and shared the childcare - in fact dad did more while mum finished her PHD. It’s not generational, it’s just being considerate and seeing yourselves as a team (or not).

The problem is, his mum would be only too happy to do it. She dotes on DS and would come every day if I asked I expect. But I don't want to take this piss or use her as childcare rather than a Gran who loves playing (she babysits occasionally if we go for dinner or something but that's all I'm happy to ask for) and also as much as I love her I don't want my in laws here all the time! Same with my Mum although she'd probably have no problem telling him off if I asked her to. I would hate to be that wife though, he shouldn't need it pointing out by his mum/my mum!

I think also, his football has always been accommodated since he was a child. As in every week his sisters both got dragged to watch him play etc until they were old enough to stay home so his mum just sees it as something he does. I've had the comment before - when I've out my foot down pre children over potentially missing a friends wedding - 'well, he played when you met him'. Yes he did but he was 21 when I met him. Our lives have changed somewhat since then

MIL isn't old she's in her early sixties. Retired but not elderly by any means. My
Mum is slightly younger.

Oh, and he's out of the house for so long because it takes half hour to drive to the club, then he has to help set up (he's club captain) then they have a warm up session before the fame kicks off around 2pm. Game takes two hours ish taking into account half time/injury time etc. Then showers, a team talk and some food and drink in the clubhouse takes probably another hour or so before driving home so he's back around 5/30:6.

Similar situation here but we'd discussed it beforehand so I was happy for DH to keep up his training and Saturday game without time out from it as I know it's important to him and the exercise is good etc. However, the differences are that I also get to the gym whilst he watches DC (3 and 6 weeks) and his Saturday involves leaving at 830 and home at 12 so we still have the day together really.

Given his only solution is to rope his Mum in, YANBU. when does he actually spend quality time with you all? Also, 11-6 seems excessive on the Saturday, can this not be reduced?

Yanbu

Three hours would be just about acceptable I think, which would give him time to drive there and back and play the game. Surely one of the guys without family commitments can set up instead?! And it's totally unfair for him to be out eating and drinking when you need the help. Also, if it's restricted to three hours then that should leave enough time on saturday for him to do three hours of childcare while you have a break. Then it's fair and you spend all day Sunday as a family together.